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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 28th November 2017, 1:45 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by Scoutjr View Post
Sorry to post another thread, but feeling a little blue today and somewhat needy (yes, I admit it).

Feel like text ex MM but I know it wonít make me feel better. Give me strength, please!

Much appreciated!
You only live once. If you both are still interested in each other, why not text? What made you leave him or vice versa?
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Old 28th November 2017, 11:04 AM   #17
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Cullenbohannon,

Not sure how to respond to you directly! But yes, I agree, this forum is dark. But I guess a lot of us are going through some darks times. I certainly have found myself in a place I never expected! That said, I need to move on. I need to make a lot of changes in my life, and I am trying. Through all of this, Iíve realized that what Iím really craving is connection. Iím not getting it in my marriage or in my job. Because I have a long commute for my job, I feel disconnected from my friends in town and am not as involved as I used to be. I guess I feel deeply lonely and I donít know how to fix it. I am in therapy and I am trying very hard to get a new job, but theses things take time, and Iím getting impatient!

Thank you for checking on me. MM did contact me last week. He sent me some meaningless text about a movie. We hadnít texted for a few weeks, so I really think he was just checking to see if I was around. I responded, but now I wish I hadnít. Anyway, going back to NC. Last text was day before Thanksgiving.
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Old 28th November 2017, 8:22 PM   #18
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It is good to hear from you. We didn't think you would have zero contact especially during the holidays, so we are ready for that shot (see avatar)

Anyways, If you want to put the MM out of your head for a bit, try to enjoy every second of the Holidays. Focus a little more on the spirit of it all. Give of your time and hang some extra lights. Buy yourself a gift. Make a present or two for family. Forgive a old friend from long ago. Buy your tree if you haven't done so. Breathe the cool air. Just enjoy it all. Focus on the negative later.

All this is pointless, if you are Muslim.

A toast to your effort and a sincere Happy Holidays to you and to my girls favorite poster.
Deadsoul, we hope you read this advice and have a couple of shots also.

Take care all. C and C

Last edited by Cullenbohannon; 28th November 2017 at 8:30 PM..
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Old 28th November 2017, 8:58 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by Scoutjr View Post
I guess I feel deeply lonely and I donít know how to fix it.
I'm struggling with the same thing. But nothing new really, I've felt lonely for a lot of my life. That's one of the reasons it was so hard for me to let go - he kept dangling this "friendship" carrot, and probably he could see how lonely I was. I felt like I was cutting off a lifeline when I ended it.

But now, I'm around 5 months no contact (well, limited, I still see him occasionally). I am slowly trying to reach out to others and have had some success. I'm also trying to be ok with being alone. It's honestly really nice to be around people who just like to hang out with you, with no games, no criticisms, no projection, no lies. But it feels a little weird to me too, almost like it's too easy, if that makes sense.

I wonder sometimes if he wasn't lonely too. After all, who can he show his real self to? I'm probably the only one who knows.
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Old 29th November 2017, 3:12 AM   #20
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Hello all!

For me, curbing my loneliness most recently has included

- leaning into the fact that I am alone and deciding to get to know me better but also reaching out to people slowly, like Jah
- reading TerKeurst's Uninvited and journaling about it
- coloring in an adult coloring book - this really takes my mind somewhere else
- writing notes to friends and family in Christmas cards
- planning activities for weekends in December
- planning which Christmas movies to watch and on what days (I currently want to watch Home Alone and Charlie Brown)

The activities I have cued up for December include
- Christmas dinner! My aunt is cooking, and I love her pies and the fact that I simply have to show up!
- attending a tree lighting ceremony in the city square followed by a mini bazaar
- attending a Christmas-themed martini tasting party (went to this two years ago by myself and WILL do it again if no one else decides to go)
- finally going to this weekly event listed as one of the top things to do in my city on TripAdvisor... (WILL go alone if I have to, see above)
- attending an outdoor Christmas venue that includes s'mores by the fire, light shows, etc. (would suck to do alone, but... oh well - see above)

This is pretty much the extent of my effort so far.

Hope it helps
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Old 29th November 2017, 10:07 PM   #21
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Vivir, great list!

Quote:
Originally Posted by jah526 View Post
I'm struggling with the same thing. But nothing new really, I've felt lonely for a lot of my life. That's one of the reasons it was so hard for me to let go - he kept dangling this "friendship" carrot, and probably he could see how lonely I was. I felt like I was cutting off a lifeline when I ended it.

But now, I'm around 5 months no contact (well, limited, I still see him occasionally). I am slowly trying to reach out to others and have had some success. I'm also trying to be ok with being alone. It's honestly really nice to be around people who just like to hang out with you, with no games, no criticisms, no projection, no lies. But it feels a little weird to me too, almost like it's too easy, if that makes sense.

I wonder sometimes if he wasn't lonely too. After all, who can he show his real self to? I'm probably the only one who knows.

I get this Jah... my situation is similar. Honestly, even my "no game" friends probably toe the line of personality disorders. This is probably because people who build entire worlds in their heads and live their lives on a roller coaster of emotions are more interesting because they're similar to me. I get them. Hanging out with "normals" feels weird because I know I tend to be overly emotional, distrustful of people (there's a term for it - neurotic... I'm much less so than I once was though) and have questionable emotional stability. It seems to easy because there's a history of those rollercoaster relationships, and the level relationships (which can be great!) just don't have the draw. I think this takes time though.. eventually those better relationships will build.

Not sure if any of that resonates, but yeah. The MM I know doesn't show many his true self either.
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Old 29th November 2017, 11:56 PM   #22
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Thanks BourneWicked!

Quote:
Originally Posted by jah526 View Post
I wonder sometimes if he wasn't lonely too. After all, who can he show his real self to? I'm probably the only one who knows.
I found myself struggling with this, too, very recently.

Jah, I am encouraging you and anyone who feels anything remotely close to this sentiment you posted above to go on over to niteandfog's thread and read the response by MidnightBlue posted on 11/29 (#314).

Even though I had basically come to terms with all that MB had written, it still hurt to read it and was like a (needed?) kick to the gut. I mean, I felt kicked at first, but I immediately reversed my thinking and began focusing on myself again instead...
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Old 30th November 2017, 2:05 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by Vivir View Post
Thanks BourneWicked!



I found myself struggling with this, too, very recently.

Jah, I am encouraging you and anyone who feels anything remotely close to this sentiment you posted above to go on over to niteandfog's thread and read the response by MidnightBlue posted on 11/29 (#314).

Even though I had basically come to terms with all that MB had written, it still hurt to read it and was like a (needed?) kick to the gut. I mean, I felt kicked at first, but I immediately reversed my thinking and began focusing on myself again instead...
I read it but I don't really think it applies to my situation. I knew my relationship with him wasn't special or lasting. I knew he loved his wife, and with a second baby, was probably feeling the lack of attention from her.

I think I'm mainly lamenting the fact that he and I couldn't have just been friends, because I think friendship goes a long way towards helping with loneliness. I know people will say that men and women can't be friends, but I do have a friendly relationship with a number of male colleagues. I don't see any of them outside of work though and maybe that's the difference.

I do fault myself in part for that. I should never have accepted his invitation to do something with him outside of work without other people present. Lesson learned.
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Old 30th November 2017, 8:42 PM   #24
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I think I'm mainly lamenting the fact that he and I couldn't have just been friends, because I think friendship goes a long way towards helping with loneliness. I know people will say that men and women can't be friends, but I do have a friendly relationship with a number of male colleagues. I don't see any of them outside of work though and maybe that's the difference.
Oh Jah, this is what keeps me up at night. This is what makes me jealous of other people in his life. That this line was crossed, I screwed this up, and everybody but me I work with has an above-the-table ability to be friends with this funny, clever, mostly wonderful person.

Yes, I think men and women can be friends. I have a couple male friends I absolutely trust not to cross that line - and I trust myself never to cross that line with them. I see myself being friends with them (and their wives) decades from now.

Regrets... and lessons for "next time." I do try to console myself that - I never thought I'd meet someone like this, or feel like this again. Now that I've learned that this can happen when you let your guard down, I think I'm in a better place not to ruin future friendships, and to guard my boundaries with the mental equivalent of an electric fence. Because I would have enjoyed this for always if I could have just kept it just that, a friendship.
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Old 1st December 2017, 1:13 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by BourneWicked View Post
Oh Jah, this is what keeps me up at night. This is what makes me jealous of other people in his life. That this line was crossed, I screwed this up, and everybody but me I work with has an above-the-table ability to be friends with this funny, clever, mostly wonderful person.

Yes, I think men and women can be friends. I have a couple male friends I absolutely trust not to cross that line - and I trust myself never to cross that line with them. I see myself being friends with them (and their wives) decades from now.
I don't think men and women can be friends. I think women greatly enjoy having male friends, there are a lot of benefits for us, but men will really only be friends with a woman for the hope that one day he will sleep with her. That's it really. That's not to say men don't like women as people, we can be friendly over things like business, sports, kids stuff - but if a guy is contacting you all the time, it's pretty much for one thing only. If he's single, he likes you and if he's married, he's bored and/or wants to sleep with you.

It's taken me a long time to accept this. Think about what you said - you trust yourself to not cross that line (and that's good, you shouldn't trust them) but if a person is just a friend, you really would not even be thinking that thought. Know what I mean?
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Old 1st December 2017, 2:28 PM   #26
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I don't think men and women can be friends. I think women greatly enjoy having male friends, there are a lot of benefits for us, but men will really only be friends with a woman for the hope that one day he will sleep with her. That's it really. That's not to say men don't like women as people, we can be friendly over things like business, sports, kids stuff - but if a guy is contacting you all the time, it's pretty much for one thing only. If he's single, he likes you and if he's married, he's bored and/or wants to sleep with you.

It's taken me a long time to accept this. Think about what you said - you trust yourself to not cross that line (and that's good, you shouldn't trust them) but if a person is just a friend, you really would not even be thinking that thought. Know what I mean?
I have to agree here. That is why women prefer other women for friendships. No pressure.
POppy.
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Old 1st December 2017, 2:39 PM   #27
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I both agree and disagree.

I agree that if a man is contacting you all the time wanting to do things alone with you, then yes, he wants you.

But I get along quite well with the men at work. We talk, we go out to lunch. But I'm never alone with them, the talk never gets "intimate" like it would with a female friend or a boyfriend/girlfriend, and we don't contact each other outside of work. I still consider them friends, but maybe that's not the right word for it. Friendly colleagues?

This is what I had with MM too. We used to talk all the time and joke around, and it helped the time go by faster. I miss the "friendly colleague" relationship we once had. It was when I started doing things with him alone outside of work that things got hairy. But you're right, he was contacting me frequently. It was a mistake giving him my number.
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Old 1st December 2017, 3:29 PM   #28
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QUOTE=Scoutjr;7477277]Cullenbohannon,

Not sure how to respond to you directly! But yes, I agree, this forum is dark. But I guess a lot of us are going through some darks times. I certainly have found myself in a place I never expected! That said, I need to move on. I need to make a lot of changes in my life, and I am trying. Through all of this, I’ve realized that what I’m really craving is connection. I’m not getting it in my marriage or in my job. Because I have a long commute for my job, I feel disconnected from my friends in town and am not as involved as I used to be. I guess I feel deeply lonely and I don’t know how to fix it. I am in therapy and I am trying very hard to get a new job, but theses things take time, and I’m getting impatient!

Thank you for checking on me. MM did contact me last week. He sent me some meaningless text about a movie. We hadn’t texted for a few weeks, so I really think he was just checking to see if I was around. I responded, but now I wish I hadn’t. Anyway, going back to NC. Last text was day before Thanksgiving.[/QUOTE]

When you look at this a second time, there is a deeper message. You may be where you should be, mentally. You recognize this isnt about a particular AP, but what is missing in your life. You describe the APs text as meaningless. You are lonely in your marriage and unfulfilled in your work. You have a long boring work commute. You feel disconnected from your freinds. You know you need to move on and make changes in your life.

Your life appears to be the problem. (That doesn't let you off the hook for the affair) Try not to focus on ALL of it at once. Continue your work search. The AP is a short term fix. Stop doing that drug. Time and effort will put you in a better place. Rest. Give yourself a little break this holiday season.

You are changing the way you think. This will change your life. In the meantime, it is your responsibility to give yourself some "positive vibes".
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Old 9th December 2017, 12:24 AM   #29
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Yes, I think men and women can be friends.
true BUT - one important detail - when there isnít any physical attraction between them. where there is sexual attraction + interesting personality... that cannot be ONLY friendship. you mention all those other people, they most likely arenít attracted to him. that is why they are able to mantain friendship with him.

that being said, i donít think you could be just friends with him - there would always be this attraction between the two of you. i think thatís just you wanting to keep him in your life, in ANY FORM so you wish youíd have him as a friend... at least. but i donít think you could ever mantain just friendship with this man, especially because there is obviously tons of chemistry between the two of you - from the beginning. there was attraction, no way would you ever be able to stop at just friendship. the A most likely couldnít be stopped.
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Old 9th December 2017, 10:23 PM   #30
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MidnightBlue, I think you are right to a degree - that I shouldn't have to think about it. But I only think about it in context to the affair. My definitive answer to anything with my male friends is no, no matter what, no matter where, no thank you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by minimariah View Post
true BUT - one important detail - when there isnít any physical attraction between them. where there is sexual attraction + interesting personality... that cannot be ONLY friendship. you mention all those other people, they most likely arenít attracted to him. that is why they are able to mantain friendship with him.

that being said, i donít think you could be just friends with him - there would always be this attraction between the two of you. i think thatís just you wanting to keep him in your life, in ANY FORM so you wish youíd have him as a friend... at least. but i donít think you could ever mantain just friendship with this man, especially because there is obviously tons of chemistry between the two of you - from the beginning. there was attraction, no way would you ever be able to stop at just friendship. the A most likely couldnít be stopped.

Agree to this -

I do truly think men and women can be friends. I do think the biggest factor here is that the woman has zero attraction to the man. A friend of mine once said - all your male coworkers want to sleep with you. Probably mostly true. I went a decade + without that ever happening, so why this one?

So I think the number one part is that the woman is NOT interested (as they say women are the "gatekeepers" of sex. Feel free to picture gatekeeper and keymaster a la ghostbusters. Tho - Sigourney Weaver's character wasn't great at friending in that movie). I think the number two thing is that anything that happens is open to both spouses/significant others - there's no hiding. And this is how it's always been with my male friends.

I think men and women can be friends if they both recognize that the sex question is there, but they guard that boundary because the non-sexual relationship is too special to screw up. I think it's possible, this might be idealistic and delusional as I've been wrong before...

It's all about self-control and boundaries, every day. Ideally, that's what makes the difference between humans and the rest of the animal kingdom.
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