Should I continue seeing a separated man

[Slanty]

Hi guys,

 

I'm 28, no kids, no previous marriage. I have been seeing a separated man (31 separated for 2 years) for about 7 months. He says that he hasn't filed for a divorce because of financial reasons...sounds like he doesn't want to part with the money (he owns a few businesses with her, and properties). They have a child together. He lives apart from her.

 

I enjoy our relationship a lot because of how supportive, patient and kind he is and I've never experienced this level of pursuit and commitment from someone. But I've been in a few really terrible relationships prior and am quite afraid that I'm so damaged that I wouldn't even know it if he's just taking advantage of me.

 

Before I knew anything about him being separated, we started casually hooking up, at the time that's all I wanted from him and I initiated it. I didn't even think about it possibly developing into a relationship because to be frank I just wasn't all that into him and I was still grieving my last relationship (that process lasted about a year and started to get better shortly before I met him, and the remnants of pain faded completely a few months later).

 

 

At the time, I figured he was just taking me for a ride, sweet talking me so that he could continue to be intimate with me, so I kind of brushed off his interest and stayed skeptical...I made it clear that I was fine keeping it sexual but he continued to pursue me for exclusivity. We live in different countries so I figured that once the summer ended it would be over. But he told me that he would like to continue seeing me and I decided to half heartedly give it a chance.

 

He didn't tell me about the marriage straight off the bat when we met, he just told me he'd been married twice in his past, but I snooped and figured it out. When I called him out on it he came clean. This bothered me a lot at the time, and I was horrified that I was potentially a mistress so I asked him to message her and ask her if they are still together, he screenshotted the conversation, she said "??? no."

 

He seems to be serious about me, he makes an effort to connect with me everyday via phone and has flown back to see me once for a week (we're on separate continents). He wants me to come visit his hometown in a few weeks. I feel very calm in his absence, something I've never experienced with any of my boyfriends in the past. (Always insecure about cheating and so on) The problem is I am still extremely paranoid sometimes. Even though he did really pursue this relationship with me, I would say it moved a little bit fast. Or a lot fast.

 

We got pregnant (a failed vasectomy pregnancy unless he lied about his vasectomy) and he asked me to keep the child, but I declined as I'm not willing to have children outside marriage or a secure relationship. I thought he would maybe disappear after I terminated the pregnancy because he really wanted me to change my mind about it and tried to convince me to bond with baby. Then I started questioning why he's moving so damn fast, and now am worried that he's just rebounding with me.

 

She still wears her wedding ring. I never told him that I saw that, but he told me once that facebook is always about keeping up appearances, I assume he was talking about her married status and a few photos with him. He also mentioned that his friend circle was surprised to hear that they were separated because they seemed like the perfect couple.

 

Anyway I can't help but be extremely bothered about the idea that he's still married. I don't know if he'll ever file for divorce and I don't feel right about asking him to, I think that is something he should decide for himself and do it for himself. On top of that I am totally willing to walk away if he wants to work this out for his child or for any other reason for that matter, but I do not want to invest more if thats the case. I don't want to break up a family or take anyones husband, the idea makes me nauseous. I feel ashamed that I'm involved with a married man to begin with... It's a secret I would have to keep from my family and friends.

 

I'm not sure if I should just call it quits and walk away now or hope that at some point he decides that I deserve to be 100% committed to. I don't want to share these feelings with him because I feel like that's the same thing as pressuring him to divorce and I really want him to do it on his own. Any thoughts about my situation... I'm not sure how to proceed and if I'm way in over my head with this, is he just playing me, do I walk away, do I wait it out? HELP.

[anika99]

I've never understood the point of having (or trying to have) a relationship with someone who lives on a whole different continent. What's the end game? Are you supposed to move to him or is he supposed to abandon his family and move to you?

 

I'm also greatly suspicious of men who pursue women who live so far away. Most hot blooded men want a flesh and blood woman in their bed and in their daily lives. Not someone they have to fly thousands of miles just to visit to have occasional real life sex.

 

I have grave concerns about this man's marital status. He separated but his wife still wears her wedding rings, her fb profile states married and she still post photos of them together. Mighty suspicious if you ask me. Maybe they are separated but working on reconciliation. Or maybe his separation happened very recently but he told you two years to make it seem like the marriage is a lot closer to over than he's letting on. You have no idea. He can tell you anything and since there is no way for you to really check up on him you have no choice but to believe it. I'd be wary if I were you

[londonlondon]

There are so many red flags, you will never be the same again once this is over. If you don't care about your inner peace then go ahead otherwise run as fast as you can and do a 100% NC.

[Slanty]

Thanks for your input guys. It's definitely a scary situation for me, and I've never been in one like this, nor thought I ever would be.

To answer your questions:

 

I would be only 2 hours away from him in a month when I return home, and he did ask what would happen after our next visit in terms of the distance. I don't think he will continue if the distance remains, so yes, I would have to move.

 

I am also very suspicious about all the social media stuff, but then again he did send me a literal screenshot of their conversation where he asks her if they are together...

 

The reconciliation thing may very well be.

[Poppy47]

2 failed marriages, omitting to tell you he was still married, messing around about a divorce ???? Three red flags to begin with.

 

He might very well be love bombing you to keep you around. xMM relentlessly love bombed me for almost 9 years so some men never give up.

 

I would also say he is in too much of a hurry to get into a relationship with you. That's another red flag. You will start to feel confused and off balance with all the attention and rushing.

 

Back off from him and think it through. A lot to process.

 

Poppy.

[Blanco]

Do you want children eventually? You're not old, but you're at an age where you probably don't want to be sinking time into a relationship that's not aligned with your long-term goals.

 

I'm not a fan of people getting involved with people who are only separated, but even more so when the separated person hasn't even filed for divorce. Him not doing it for financial reasons is so open-ended. When would that change, if ever? Are you willing to sit pat and wait for something that may not come for years, if ever?

 

If they own businesses together, I would expect the divorce to be drawn out and emotionally taxing.

[kassy]

It sounds a bit weird to me. If you're long distance, then how can this move forward if he won't get divorced and you won't let anyone know you are in a relationship with him, so I'm guessing moving to be with him is out of the question.

 

Also did I mead correctly he is 31 and this is his second failed marriage ?

 

My boyfriend is divorced with kids. He's also had the snip. He unsure if he wants more kids, I told him if I get pregnant I will keep the child but he can decide his involvement or not. We decided this was best a situation avoided at the early stages of our relationship and so were very careful until tests came back to show his vasectomy was still good. It seems that if he wants more kids will probably be the decider in how this relationship pans out. He hasn't ruled it out, so for now that's ok as I wouldn't want to get pregnant with a guy this soon anyway.

 

I think dating someone divorced with kids (and separated) is difficult at times and you need to be able to have the hard conversations. If you can't talk to him about whether he ever feels he will get divorced and how he would see things progressing with you (or just in general with a new partner) in the long term, then I don't think you should be in this relationship.

 

It seems you aren't likely to get what you want from him. So personally I would break up and move on. Not because of his situation, but because you don't seem to be able to discuss it and there doesn't seem to be a future here.

 

Either way best of luck

Edited November 16, 2017 by kassy

[Slanty]

Thanks for your reply.

 

 

He wants more children, we've had that discussion.

 

To be fair to him, he didn't refuse to get a divorce. I never asked him to. We were just talking about how I'm uncomfortable with it and he said "well the main reason I didn't file is because of all the financial stuff" He does stand to suffer quite a loss here. That being said he also didn't say he was going to file. Sooo I guess that is a refusal? -_-

 

I would be willing to move to him if I had more security, as in if he would show me that this isn't a dead end. Ie: file papers.

 

 

Your response was refreshing and I saw a response like this coming because honestly I do feel that I'm having a really hard time accepting this and it just might not fulfill me. I like so many things about him, obviously otherwise I wouldn't be struggling right now. But I also think to myself, I'm unmarried, no kids, have done A LOT of emotional and physical work on myself, maybe I should look for someone who doesn't come with so much baggage. But I feel guilty for saying that because I do think he's a good person with a lot to offer, I just worry that he hasn't done the emotional work on himself. The 2 failed marriages was an obvious red flag to me as well -_-

 

Seems like the type to just go head first into things. But I'm also that type...so HERE WE ARE.

[Jdoublenn]

Do you want children eventually? You're not old, but you're at an age where you probably don't want to be sinking time into a relationship that's not aligned with your long-term goals.

 

I'm not a fan of people getting involved with people who are only separated, but even more so when the separated person hasn't even filed for divorce. Him not doing it for financial reasons is so open-ended. When would that change, if ever? Are you willing to sit pat and wait for something that may not come for years, if ever?

 

If they own businesses together, I would expect the divorce to be drawn out and emotionally taxing.

 

Very much agree. If you can sit and wait, with no expectations of the divorce ever happening, enjoy your time with him. Otherwise I think you're going to end up an unhappy sitting duck, waiting on something he may never do. What if they got back together? The longer you wait the harder it'll be, but it all depends on you, girl.

[dumbass2]

I can't quite get past that you had to find out he was still married and he wasn't the one to come clean up front. I don't like the situation at all. Him still married and you in another country. There's two big strikes against this relationship progressing to where you would probably like it to go, not to mention two failed marriages at a fairly young age. The failed vasectomy has me conceded also. Sounds like he might of lied because he does want kids again and is moving fast, as you said.

[kassy]

To be fair to him, he didn't refuse to get a divorce. I never asked him to. We were just talking about how I'm uncomfortable with it and he said "well the main reason I didn't file is because of all the financial stuff" He does stand to suffer quite a loss here. That being said he also didn't say he was going to file. Sooo I guess that is a refusal? -_-

 

I would be willing to move to him if I had more security, as in if he would show me that this isn't a dead end. Ie: file papers.

 

I would say this answer tells you all you need to know... You discussed it but not really and.didnt get any clarity or resolution. I don't think you guys communicate effectively. Given how complex the whole thing is I think just move on.

 

I hope now he knows the snip isn't working you are on good birth control. Are you sure he's had it done? Why didn't he get tested if he hasn't for a while?

 

Anyway, I agree he seems to be rushing things but without building any foundation. With his track record I think that is very concerning.

 

Go find something a bit easier and.more.likely to be fulfilling and fun! This guy isn't the guy for you, he's selling a product that doesn't exist (at least with him)

[PegNosePete]

"well the main reason I didn't file is because of all the financial stuff" He does stand to suffer quite a loss here.

That "financial stuff" is only going to get worse, the longer he remains married, and the more successful their shared business grows. It hardly ever makes financial sense to stay married once the marriage is over. He should see a lawyer for advice.

 

Personally I would never get involved with a married person. It's just way too much drama. Even the most amicable divorce is incredibly stressful.

[sandylee1]

I'm suspicious of:

 

the so called vasectomy.

His separated status (that screen shot is easy to fake with the use of 2 phones)

 

I wonder what he'd say of you wanted to ask her directly.

 

 

He lied from the get go.

 

Save yourself the headache/heartache and find another man.