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Head is melted


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 8th November 2017, 10:19 AM   #1
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Head is melted

Hi all,

First time poster. I am stuck in a very unhappy marriage. We are married 10 years and have 2 kids. We were kind of bumbling along until 4 months ago when I bumped into an old ex. My OH was out with me that night as well but went home early. I went out with my ex 15 years ago for 2 yrs. We were very young and broke up because he made no effort but there was never a fall out.

Anyway - that night it became apparent that we still had a huge connection but nothing happened. He messaged me a few days after and we are still messaging. That night has been the catalyst for me to tell my husband how I feel and we are in limbo at the moment.

I enjoy the texting with my ex but am so confused about what he wants. He has a girlfriend. At the beginning he texted and said he regretted a lot of stuff, that he was thinking about me all the time etc etc. He then propositioned me to meet up privately but I turned him down as it's not something I would ever do to my OH, no matter how tempted I was. So he knows where I stand on that. Ex still messages me quite a bit, some everyday stuff and also some more flirtacious stuff. I do enjoy a bit of banter but divert the conversation back to the subject of his girlfriend if it gets too risque.

I suppose I'm just wondering why he is still texting me? I do have feelings for him but would never act while I'm still married. Do you think he knows this and is just messing with my head? He was getting deep a few months ago but just really wants to discuss surface stuff now.

My head is melted
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Old 8th November 2017, 10:31 AM   #2
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The thrill of the chase.
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Old 8th November 2017, 10:34 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by BTDT2012 View Post
The thrill of the chase.
It's looking like that. I've no idea why he is doing that though as if something did happen we have big family connections and a load of people could get hurt and involved. Don't know why he isn't off pursuing someone else less dangerous.

When we were together I would have said loyalty was the his biggest asset. He was so loyal. I am so disappointed that he would risk it when he has a lovely girlfriend. He also knows how unstable my marriage is so to play with my emotions as well is downright nasty. Feel like I don't know him anymore.
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Old 8th November 2017, 10:36 AM   #4
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A lot of water under the bridge in 15 years. Beware of connections based on past memories. BTDT.

If your M is done, that's OK. Happens. Agree to see others or divorce. I'd view the ex as a wake up call in the here and now. A similar situation certainly helped me move on from a draining M nearly a decade ago. So, so happy the call came when it did.

Look into your kids eyes and you'll know what to do. Good luck and welcome to LS.
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Old 8th November 2017, 10:59 AM   #5
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A lot of water under the bridge in 15 years. Beware of connections based on past memories. BTDT.

If your M is done, that's OK. Happens. Agree to see others or divorce. I'd view the ex as a wake up call in the here and now. A similar situation certainly helped me move on from a draining M nearly a decade ago. So, so happy the call came when it did.

Look into your kids eyes and you'll know what to do. Good luck and welcome to LS.
Thanks for the welcome Carhill. 15 years is definitely a lot of water under the bridge. Just generally struggling with his apparent personality transplant but am so glad I turned down his proposition. I am probably just focussing on him because I am unhappy elsewhere.
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Old 8th November 2017, 11:04 AM   #6
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He wants to get you in bed...

He wants to get you in bed...

That is always the reason. And, even if you divert the risqué talk, you are having an emotional affair.

Further, if you keep this up, you will end up in bed with him.

So, is your marriage done? If it is, then file for divorce. It really is that simple.

If it is not done, you should know some things. There is a reason that they call it the 7 year itch! And it usually happens at between 7 and 10 years. Kids, everyone gets somewhat fat or just unattractive, life gets in the way and so on and so on.

I know that for a lot of woman this is when they have affairs.

So you need to decide if your marriage has anything left in it and if it does you need to stop this EA and focus on your marriage. But don't make some half hearted attempt at fixing the marriage, you need to be all in or all out.

And your husband has to do the same...
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Old 8th November 2017, 11:10 AM   #7
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He wants to get you in bed...

That is always the reason. And, even if you divert the risqué talk, you are having an emotional affair.

Further, if you keep this up, you will end up in bed with him.

So, is your marriage done? If it is, then file for divorce. It really is that simple.

If it is not done, you should know some things. There is a reason that they call it the 7 year itch! And it usually happens at between 7 and 10 years. Kids, everyone gets somewhat fat or just unattractive, life gets in the way and so on and so on.

I know that for a lot of woman this is when they have affairs.

So you need to decide if your marriage has anything left in it and if it does you need to stop this EA and focus on your marriage. But don't make some half hearted attempt at fixing the marriage, you need to be all in or all out.

And your husband has to do the same...
Thanks for the reply.

My marriage is definitely over and has been for some time. I don't love my husband anymore. The meeting was just the catalyst because it reminded me of what it was like to laugh with someone and to be treated well. Ex always treated me very well and we always laughed. Life has just been one big struggle for myself and my OH for a very long time.

I agree that I do have a dependance on the texts and contact but I don't initiate them. I don't consider it an EA as we don't exchange any feelings. It is mainly light hearted banter and a bit of flirting but nothing too heavy. Obviously though, he is hoping that I will be jumping into bed with him. Which I won't, we live a good distance away from each other and have no plans to be in or near his company.
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Old 8th November 2017, 12:27 PM   #8
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First of all it is a known psychological fact that we tend to remember the good things and forget the bad about past relationships. There was a reason why you did not last and no matter what is said, that reason is still there or lurking.

It is natural for a person in a bad marriage to seek the comfort of another. Every girlfriend that cheated on me did so with someone she knew. It is rare for a girl to meet a stranger and start a relationship when married. Also know that men are genetically designed to view women as potential mates, even if they already have one. He can be thinking about having sex with you again figuring you are safe because you are married and it can be just FWB type of thing. It can also be because men like the attention of women even if they are not thinking of taking it further at that time. I have done that myself. I got flattered and encouraged the girl's attention but when it came down to sex, I backed off, most times anyway. The thrill of the hunt was sometimes better than the kill. I did that when I was married. Just wanted to know that I could most times. I did give in once and regret that to this day.

Best thing to do is to separate. So many say they want to stay married due to sake of children but that is mostly just not wanting to put them through the divorce process. These days half of all kids are from divorvced parents and adjust well. I think the short term upheaval is better than providing your children with an example of married life when no love or even like exists. Where do you think they will get their idea of how to treat a spouse, if not from your and your husband.

My sister stayed together for the sake of her kids. One is 35, been engaged 3 times, has a kid and not married or engage anymore. She got her idea of how to be a wife from my sister who treated her husband as a money machine showing no love towards him and so does her daughter. Her son married a very controlling women. He works full time, does all the cooking and cleaning as well as takes care of their two kids. Why? His dad meekly put up with my sister dominating him and putting him down because she no longer loved him and in fact did not even like him so she resented that she had to live the lie.

She did not do her kids any favors by staying together. Now they are divorced and both are the happiest I ever saw them with new spouses. Your life, your choice but you are only making things more difficult by seeing your ex. If you think taking up with an ex who has moved on with another women is better than a legal separation or divorce, you are digging yourself a deeper hole.
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Old 8th November 2017, 12:31 PM   #9
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This should be placed into the LoveShack Best Titles bin

shouldn't it?
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Old 8th November 2017, 5:01 PM   #10
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First of all, you absolutely are having an emotional affair. Does your husband know about the communication? Do you show him the texts? Divorce your husband so you both can just move on
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Old 8th November 2017, 9:46 PM   #11
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First of all, you absolutely are having an emotional affair. Does your husband know about the communication? Do you show him the texts? Divorce your husband so you both can just move on
This is ridiculous advice. People do not just get divorced like that. I take it you are not married.
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Old 8th November 2017, 10:00 PM   #12
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My MM was single and I was married when we started the emotional affair. Then he got a gf and guess what? Now he's married and I'm single.

Did you ever hear that expression "I pissed on him/her first"

It's like marking territory. He thinks because he had you years ago, and before you were married that he can have you again.

Doesn't mean he wants to be with you, he wants sex and thinks because of your history he can get it easier.
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Old 8th November 2017, 10:02 PM   #13
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This is ridiculous advice. People do not just get divorced like that. I take it you are not married.
Well, she did say her marriage was over and she didn't love her husband. So divorce is in order.
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Old 9th November 2017, 1:28 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by Confusedlady77 View Post
Thanks for the reply.

My marriage is definitely over and has been for some time. I don't love my husband anymore. The meeting was just the catalyst because it reminded me of what it was like to laugh with someone and to be treated well. Ex always treated me very well and we always laughed. Life has just been one big struggle for myself and my OH for a very long time.

I agree that I do have a dependance on the texts and contact but I don't initiate them. I don't consider it an EA as we don't exchange any feelings. It is mainly light hearted banter and a bit of flirting but nothing too heavy. Obviously though, he is hoping that I will be jumping into bed with him. Which I won't, we live a good distance away from each other and have no plans to be in or near his company.
Your ex is not treating you well at all. He is disrespecting your marriage.

Flirting when you are married is testing your boundaries. I know you are Long Distance. You will be s urprised how close up he will get if you let him.

Poppy.
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Old 9th November 2017, 1:37 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by Confusedlady77 View Post
Thanks for the reply.

My marriage is definitely over and has been for some time. I don't love my husband anymore. The meeting was just the catalyst because it reminded me of what it was like to laugh with someone and to be treated well. Ex always treated me very well and we always laughed. Life has just been one big struggle for myself and my OH for a very long time.

I agree that I do have a dependance on the texts and contact but I don't initiate them. I don't consider it an EA as we don't exchange any feelings. It is mainly light hearted banter and a bit of flirting but nothing too heavy. Obviously though, he is hoping that I will be jumping into bed with him. Which I won't, we live a good distance away from each other and have no plans to be in or near his company.
But it IS an emotional affair because you admittedly depend on those texts/communication - even though you know he's not the man you thought he was.

Yet, you are willing to risk your reputation for his texts...?

You are what you do - so do things that you are proud of - not embarrassed about.

File for divorce since you say your M is over... then you can date available men.

What is OH? H is for husband...does the O stand for old?
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