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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 7th November 2017, 3:38 PM   #1
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Unhappy Strength from others!

Hi all,

I started a new thread, is that against the rules? Anyway, I read an interesting book the other day. Although the situation is no exactly similar, there were enough similarities that made me think. The book is called ďA Terrible, Beautiful ThingĒ and is a memoir about a woman who discovered her husband was having an affair while she was pregnant and continued it after (she found out when the baby was three weeks old). Well, Iím not sure if I shared this tidbit but, I met my ďMMĒ when HIS wife was pregnant. No excuse on my part, he was still married, but I didnít find out until months after we started. Anyway, even when I did find out, I continued because I was very selfish and weak. I enjoyed the attention, which I hazard a guess that most of us here have too.

My point about the book is that the BS figured out her husband was a psychopath and serial cheater. Although Iím the OW, I really kind of identified with her. I have come to realize that my MM fed me a lot of the same garbage this guy fed her. I know I have waffled, thinking one minute I loved him and the next that he used me. Now Iím in the latter camp and I am resisting from calling him out on it. Hereís where Iím asking for help and support. Iím feeling so much stronger these days. But I canít do it alone. I think seeing my therapist is a trigger for me, but I still need someone to talk to. Although I donít deserve it, im asking for ďgood vibesĒ or any encouragement to leave this behind me. I havenít spoken to him in almost two weeks. It was longer before that, but I broke down and contacted him one night after a few glasses of wine and not enough dinner. Iím embarrassed to admit that I told him I loved him. Yikes!!
I donít love him. I liked the attention. But reading that book was a smack in the face. Now I really think he is a piece of <insert expletive > and was only out for himself. I need to continue no contact. Please give me strength!
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Old 7th November 2017, 6:08 PM   #2
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Stay strong.
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Old 7th November 2017, 6:16 PM   #3
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You deserve better. His wife has to deal with a lying cheat...not YOU! Find a deserving man who will treat you the way you should.
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Old 7th November 2017, 10:07 PM   #4
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I think one of the hardest things to deal with once you've gone NC is ruminating over whether he did care for you or not. You will never truly know. I finally realized I was never going to know the truth, because whatever he told me could very well be a lie. He was, after all, lying to his wife.

Good relationships are built on mutual trust. You can never have that with someone for whom deception is second nature.

Once you realize this, there is no reason to be in contact with him. It's simply impossible to relate to someone when you never know if what they're saying is the truth or not, or you have to question whether they're hiding something. Once you realize the futility of it, then that will be the end.

Good luck and stay strong.
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Old 7th November 2017, 10:19 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by jah526 View Post

Once you realize this, there is no reason to be in contact with him. It's simply impossible to relate to someone when you never know if what they're saying is the truth or not, or you have to question whether they're hiding something. Once you realize the futility of it, then that will be the end.
That is very sound advice. I just never know with him, and that is not a good feeling. When I first met him I thought he was full of sh$t, but then I started doubting myself, I wanted to believe he was sincere.

Full disclosure to all -- I am also married myself, so I am certainly no saint (ha). DH does not know. Dh and I are more like roommates, co-parents and "friend" but now after two tumultuous years, I consider myself lucky to have him. Why did it take an affair with sociopathic ******* to realize this.

Hanging my head.
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Old 7th November 2017, 10:32 PM   #6
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Why did it take an affair with sociopathic ******* to realize this.

Hanging my head.
Eh, some of us need to learn the hard way. Don't be too hard on yourself. Just keep moving forward...
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Old 8th November 2017, 12:26 AM   #7
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Hats off to you for getting out of the A and moving forward. You say you were weak, but itís seems to me that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are able to understand the lies and manipulation on his part. Think of it this way, you had a minor setback in contacting him 2 weeks ago. Youíve made progress and youíre better off now than you initially were when you were with him and spinning in his web of lies.
Btw. You give me hope. 2 weeks feels like an eternity away for me.

Stay strong.
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Old 8th November 2017, 7:18 AM   #8
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Sounds like you have had a lot of realizations in the last little bit. That's great! It must be hard to realize that he is selfish and was in it for himself. You need to mourn what you thought it was and start letting go of ideas of what might have been. That is a hard thing.

You say that you're realizing that you are realizing how lucky you are to have your husband, despite all of the difficulties you've had the past couple of years. I'm sure you know it will take time to rebuild and reconnect with him and I hope you're making steps to do that.

Now that you've decided on your path of leaving the A behind, it's going to be hard. The things you've been ignoring, you'll need to face. And you'll be better for it. I know you can do it.

Keep posting and keep connected on here. I hope that you have a good day today!
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Old 8th November 2017, 4:16 PM   #9
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I'm a BS. I just wanted to thank you for posting about this book. I got it this morning. And read it through in one sitting. And geez, so many similarities between what her husband said and mine. The lies they spun. How reading what her husband said... how I could believe him, too. It took my breath away. But my story is so much worse than that one. Maybe I should write a book. Lol.
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Old 8th November 2017, 7:28 PM   #10
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I'm a BS. I just wanted to thank you for posting about this book. I got it this morning. And read it through in one sitting. And geez, so many similarities between what her husband said and mine. The lies they spun. How reading what her husband said... how I could believe him, too. It took my breath away. But my story is so much worse than that one. Maybe I should write a book. Lol.
Starswillshine: First, I am sorry you are in this situation, but I am glad the book was helpful. It really opened my eyes, not only to my "MM's" behavior, but the effects of my behavior on someone else. If you recall one part of the book they talk about how the OW ("Croella") might have been similar to the author in the sense that she was looking for affection, affirmation and maybe had low self esteem. I think one of the author's friends discounted that idea, but for me it was very much like reading about myself. He preyed on my insecurities and I fell for it. I am not an evil person. I made a huge mistake and I am full of regret.

Sometimes I feel like I should warn MM's wife, but that's not my place. They have two young children and she could be very happy with him, I'll never know. I thought he made me happy at one time. Anyway, I want to put some distance between myself and this whole "affair" (pardon the pun).

Thank you everyone for listening.
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Old 9th November 2017, 1:24 AM   #11
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If you got him, he is only somebody else's lying cheating husband... no great prize for you, is it?

Poppy.
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Old 9th November 2017, 8:07 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
Hats off to you for getting out of the A and moving forward. You say you were weak, but itís seems to me that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are able to understand the lies and manipulation on his part. Think of it this way, you had a minor setback in contacting him 2 weeks ago. Youíve made progress and youíre better off now than you initially were when you were with him and spinning in his web of lies.
Btw. You give me hope. 2 weeks feels like an eternity away for me.

Stay strong.
Feels like an eternity to me too! But I think if I make it through the next few weeks it will get better. Then the holidays will be here.
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Old 9th November 2017, 8:11 AM   #13
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Thank you big sky. It's hard. For one thing,I have a big interview for a job I really want that is in his industry. It's so tempting to text him and ask for advice. But the I thought, "bleep" him, if he gave a $hit he'd text me to wish me luck (he knows about it).
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Old 9th November 2017, 8:13 AM   #14
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Ill help you write it! I'm a writer!
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Old 9th November 2017, 8:22 AM   #15
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Yeah, who wants that!
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