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I don't know how to feel


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 7th November 2017, 4:37 AM   #1
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Unhappy I don't know how to feel

I've been lurking the forums for a while and decided to make an account and post my situation.

I have been in an EA with an MM for three months now, and about a month ago it turned into a PA. We haven't had sex yet, but we've done other things. About a week ago or so, I found out that his ultimate goal with me was just to sleep with me and nothing more. When he told that to me, it stung like crazy. I don't know why especially because I know for a fact that a romantic relationship with him is not possible since he is married and that I am also getting married in a few months' time.

Knowing this, I still don't mind continuing our A (is this even an A, or am I just being used?) and for some reason I am hurting over this newly revealed goal of his. I doubt we'll ever have sex (I still think that there's just too much to lose once you do the deed with someone other than your SO) so I'm not even sure if this A (or whatever this is) will last long.
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Old 7th November 2017, 7:19 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by myoldspace11 View Post
I've been lurking the forums for a while and decided to make an account and post my situation.

I have been in an EA with an MM for three months now, and about a month ago it turned into a PA. We haven't had sex yet, but we've done other things. About a week ago or so, I found out that his ultimate goal with me was just to sleep with me and nothing more. When he told that to me, it stung like crazy. I don't know why especially because I know for a fact that a romantic relationship with him is not possible since he is married and that I am also getting married in a few months' time.

Knowing this, I still don't mind continuing our A (is this even an A, or am I just being used?) and for some reason I am hurting over this newly revealed goal of his. I doubt we'll ever have sex (I still think that there's just too much to lose once you do the deed with someone other than your SO) so I'm not even sure if this A (or whatever this is) will last long.
myoldspace11

Two things I think you should do immediately: -

1. End the affair - nothing good can come from it.

2. Postpone your marriage - you can't possibly be in the right headspace to marry your fiancé while you are lusting over a MM. It is the ultimate insult to be having an affair behind your fiancé’s back, and then go ahead with the wedding with him still in the dark about it. You need therapy and you need to come clean with your fiancé and thrash it all out.

By the way, MM whose ultimate goal is just to sleep with the OW and nothing more - they are ten a penny! He just sees you as a sex object. Something to spice up his life, which may otherwise be very mundane. At least he was honest. It is even more cruel to pretend he wants more, only to dump you when he's had enough sex.

Please, myoldspace11, turn 180 on this guy and keep walking - it's not worth it. The real challenge is going to be in analysing and repairing your relationship with your fiancé. You need to work out why you did what you did, if you really love him and if you can truly commit to a life of monogamy with him. On LS, I don't always advise cheaters to tell their partners - each case has to be looked at individually in my opinion. But in this case, before you are even married, I think it would be extremely cruel to allow him to walk down the aisle completely oblivious of what you have done. Communicate with him - it may be the beginning of the end of it...or you may find that you reconnect on a new level and he forgives you and wants to go ahead with the marriage. But please, give him that choice.

Good luck and keep posting.
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Old 7th November 2017, 7:51 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by myoldspace11 View Post
I've been lurking the forums for a while and decided to make an account and post my situation.

I have been in an EA with an MM for three months now, and about a month ago it turned into a PA. We haven't had sex yet, but we've done other things. About a week ago or so, I found out that his ultimate goal with me was just to sleep with me and nothing more. When he told that to me, it stung like crazy. I don't know why especially because I know for a fact that a romantic relationship with him is not possible since he is married and that I am also getting married in a few months' time.

Knowing this, I still don't mind continuing our A (is this even an A, or am I just being used?) and for some reason I am hurting over this newly revealed goal of his. I doubt we'll ever have sex (I still think that there's just too much to lose once you do the deed with someone other than your SO) so I'm not even sure if this A (or whatever this is) will last long.
First things first, you can't get married if you are having an affair with another man. I mean, come on... Your future husband deserves more than that!! He deserves a woman who loves him and respects him enough to follow her vows - to foresake all others...

And second, if you think this isn't going to progress to sex and a full-on PA, you are seriously delusional. This man wants sex - he's told you this. Believe him! And, have some self respect... Don't blow your life up for a man who has told you that he wants to use you for sex and nothing more... Your standards should be a little higher than this...

Man, what kind of a person marries a man while in an affair with another man - and has no remorse. Unbelievable.
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Old 7th November 2017, 8:20 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by myoldspace11 View Post
I've been lurking the forums for a while and decided to make an account and post my situation.

I have been in an EA with an MM for three months now, and about a month ago it turned into a PA. We haven't had sex yet, but we've done other things. About a week ago or so, I found out that his ultimate goal with me was just to sleep with me and nothing more. When he told that to me, it stung like crazy. I don't know why especially because I know for a fact that a romantic relationship with him is not possible since he is married and that I am also getting married in a few months' time.

Knowing this, I still don't mind continuing our A (is this even an A, or am I just being used?) and for some reason I am hurting over this newly revealed goal of his. I doubt we'll ever have sex (I still think that there's just too much to lose once you do the deed with someone other than your SO) so I'm not even sure if this A (or whatever this is) will last long.
If you think *that* stung, how do you think your fiance would feel knowing that his "future wife" is emotionally involved with another man. Who doesn't even respect you (with how you're betraying your fiance its not hard to see why) he just wants to get laid!

Your actions OP sound cold-blooded. You need to see past your own pain and see the (much greater) pain your actions are causing other people.

Last edited by Imajerk17; 7th November 2017 at 8:26 AM..
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Old 7th November 2017, 8:58 AM   #5
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Knowing this, I still don't mind continuing our A (is this even an A, or am I just being used?)
Those aren't separate things. Most affairs are all about someone being used.

Some of the 'happiest' long-term affairs are where both partners are completely aware that they're using each other and don't care, because they are both getting what they want. It's happy for them. Not necessarily so happy for their spouses, obviously. But if both people in the affair just want sex and fun and nothing beyond that, and they're both getting it, then they can be stable in that situation for a long, long time.

Right now, it seems like you think all you want from him is what you're getting - attention, flirting, an ego-boost, the excitement of knowing that he wants you. But you know that he wants more than he's getting, so that's not stable. And you have at least a tiny pinprick of hurt feelings, suggesting you want more than you're getting. That's not stable either.

Even without considering your fiance and his wife, the situation you're describing is unstable and is going to hit the rocks in the near future. Either this little not-relationship is going to break up, or you're going to end up in bed together. Which may then lead to the same break up afterwards, except that he'll be happy that he got the sex, and you'll be upset that you let your guard down and lost control, and probably lost your other relationship along the way as well.

For your own sake as well as everyone else's, you are better off ending this cold now.
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Old 7th November 2017, 10:54 AM   #6
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Dear God, do NOT get married! If you love your fiancé - or even just like him - come clean and call off the wedding. You are the one person in the world who can spare him years of pain, self-doubt and the soul-crushing experience of divorcing a woman he loved but wasn’t loved equally in return. It would be unbelievably cruel to marry him as you have feelings and intimate contact with another man. Please, please be kind to him.
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Old 7th November 2017, 12:29 PM   #7
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You can't get married in this state. How can you stand at the altar or in the registry office and make a vow of fidelity when you're already cheating.

It makes a mockery of marriage.... You aren't ready to get married.
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Last edited by sandylee1; 7th November 2017 at 12:30 PM.. Reason: Typo
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