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Affair...it's killing me.


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 30th October 2017, 10:48 AM   #46
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Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
Even after I end it? I told MM by text last night that Iím done. I deleted his number and blocked his email address. I donít even feel sad at this stage, just sick to my stomach about my own actions over the past year. I woke feeling relieved.

What Iím hearing from a few people on here though is that ending it will not be enough to end the pain for my family unless I confess all?
I can give you some reasons for telling, but ultimately, you know your husband and yourself. You'll end up doing what you feel is he right thing to do.

Some reasons to tell:

- a marriage built on lies is like a house built on sand. You never know when things can shift and collapse. You'll never be able to be 100 percent sure your husband won't find/figure out what has been gong on.If he hears it in any other way than from you, you will be increasing his pain exponentially

- one thing that many ws do is blame their marriage for their actions. How are you ( general you, not you specifically) ever going to make it better if your bs has no idea you feel the way you do.

-you have zero control over what your ex-om o his spouse will do. If he comes clean to his wife, she may well contact your husband and tell him what's been going on. If he finds out that way, it will devastate him

- in the end it all comes down to who your are and the type of person you want to be. Some feel okay about this type of deception, and others don't. If you are someone who does feel okay with it, I would suggest that you re-evaluate being married.

I once read that bs are like mushrooms, they get kept in t e dark and fed bullsh@t. Just speaking for myself, it's the lying from my ws that hurt more than anything else. It really does kill a little part of you, and I n't think you cna ever get that b
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Old 30th October 2017, 11:04 AM   #47
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Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
Even after I end it? I told MM by text last night that Iím done. I deleted his number and blocked his email address. I donít even feel sad at this stage, just sick to my stomach about my own actions over the past year. I woke feeling relieved.

What Iím hearing from a few people on here though is that ending it will not be enough to end the pain for my family unless I confess all?
It all comes down to the type of person you want to be and the type of marriage you want to have.

Some people can keep a lie like this and take it to their grave. It doesn't seem to affect them very much. They just don't seem to feel guilty.

Others try to keep the lie, but it eats away at them, and the affair ends up destroying the marriage anyway, even if the bs never knows that was the cause.

In the end, do you want a married that has a foundation of honesty, or one of deception?

Add to all of this the following factors:

- if your husband finds out form anyone else than you, he may well never trust you again. looking at the situation from his perspective, can you blame him?

- you really have no control over the situation. your ex-om may spill the beans, if hs wife finds out, she may contact your bs to let him know what's been going on.

- if, as some say, they cheated because they weren't happy in their marriage, then how can one expect their marriage to ever get any better if they are being deceptive? That's like a 500 pound man complaining about how he's overweight while he's eating fried chicken hand over fist.

In the end, you know yourself and you know your husband. In his shoes, what would you want? Would you want something like this to have gone on behind your back, or would you like to know about it so you can make informed choices about your life?

If you don't mind a suggetsion, go to your nearest mirror and look at the face looking back at you. Think of both the options, and taking in all the possible outcomes, information and your actions, what do you feel is best for your marriage? I worded it that way because, as it stands right now, you have chosen your marriage over your om. If taht's the case, then you need to do what is best for your marriage, even if that's really hard on you.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, as it sounds like you have been through a tough time and are looking for help. If I can offer one more piece of advice, it's to take each day as it comes for now. Have a plan ready ahead of time so that if your ex-om tries to contact you, you will be able to act immediately before you have time to think about it and get bogged down.

You will get through all of this. It may not be easy, but the most worthwhile things in life never are. You've taken the first step out of the darkness and into the light. Keep that momentum going and be gentle to yourself. Eat well,make sure you get the rest you need and keep forging ahead.

One step at a time. Grieve your loss and then keep moving forward, even if it's only at a snail's pace at first.
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Old 30th October 2017, 11:09 AM   #48
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The time and effort people have gone to to respond to my post have overwhelmed me so much!

Iím in floods of tears here over some of the true, profound and valuable information given.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart... iím in the claws of a very dark depression and the only thing that keeps me going is my beautiful children and husband who deserve none of this.

The pain is overwhelming, the confusion, the fog, the pretense to hold it together. I donít know how to make the first step. Yes, it may seem so self-absorbing, selfish and simple...itís easy, just walk away and delete his number.

With it will come the complete devastation though of the people that I love and whom I will hurt because I will not be able to hide the pain, the drug withdrawal, the guilt. I will have to come clean and I fear the storm of pain in my house.

Why should others get hurt? Only I deserve this pain. But in hiding it I cause them pain anyway, only they donít know the name of it.
Kudos to you, but even though you don't recognize it, I think you have taken a first step by changing jobs. Changing jobs from one you like to one you dislike is hard all on its own. - Even more difficult when you add in job romance that was going on there. That tells me - even though you like the attention/ excitement that the affair brings - you're not ready to give up your marriage.

Try thinking about what you like so much that your affair partner does, because it will relate to what's missing in your marriage.
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Old 30th October 2017, 12:03 PM   #49
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Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
Even after I end it? I told MM by text last night that Iím done. I deleted his number and blocked his email address. I donít even feel sad at this stage, just sick to my stomach about my own actions over the past year. I woke feeling relieved.

What Iím hearing from a few people on here though is that ending it will not be enough to end the pain for my family unless I confess all?
Very good first step, no contact is critical. You can not control the actions of other people, you can't control what happens in your O/M's relationship. He may get busted by his wife for a future infidelity and confess all his affairs, happens here all the time. First thing we always recommend is to tell the other betrayed spouse. Hearing the news from another source will be devastating for your marriage and the chances of surviving it are much lower. Just read the infidelity posts on this site. Personally I couldn't have a successful relationship while withholding a secret that big, you are not me and if your OK with being deceptive and lie to your husband that's up to you. I think lies that big break people down over time. The best policy is always honesty. I found out through a third party, I left within 30 days. To me she is just another face in the crowd now.
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Old 30th October 2017, 6:47 PM   #50
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Grey Cloud has it - those are your choices. Don't be swayed by the few who ended up with their mm, you said yourself that he shuts off easily. He is really just having fun and these guys, they will drop you the second their wives have an inkling something is up.

You are in hell and the only way out is to keep going. You know you need to stop contact, etc. I sense it has gone way past the point where you have control over the situation though. Can you just stop? It is an addiction unfortunately. It takes about 6 months of NC to start feeling better. Another year after that to start to feel like you are getting back to yourself - except that you who you were, she is gone now. The innocence is lost. You will come out the other side but you will be a new person. That is not a bad thing as you will never fall for this kind of stuff again. Pain does that to a person.

People will post here and tell you that you need to tell your husband. Many of them are men who were the BS, so you need to take advice from whence it comes. Many spouses already know and - particularly men - wish they hadn't known the truth. Dead Soul confessed and I'm not sure she felt like it helped the situation at all. She doesn't post much anymore so I'm not sure where things stand.

Confessing is the right thing to do if your marriage has big flaws which you need to fix and you need your spouse to understand that things are so bad that you have gone and gotten yourself in this terrible situation. You need to be able to accept that your spouse may divorce you or hate you forever. Many men do. People will tell you that the spouse has a right to know and make the decision for themselves - but that is tricky because they are referring to themselves, they don't know your husband. You need to think about what you think he would want and what are your motives for telling him.

If you think you will tell him and feel better, you are wrong. You won't feel better, you will feel exactly the same way about your mm and now have this horrible situation to deal with on top of it. You will not be able to even hint at grieving in home. So if you tell him to try and unload your grief on him, it won't work. Only tell him if you think he would want to know and you are ready to do the work to fix your marriage. You need to be prepared to lose it all and not care.

My story is long, you can read it, but I told him the big points and we fixed our marriage. It was total h*ll though. I was in pain beyond belief for 2 years from the combination of both things going on. That is my story though. You need to figure out yours.
I'm here
I agree with everything in this post. I did the right thing in confessing. I also don't believe that's the right move for everyone, but it was in my case.

But I need to reiterate MB's statement that confessing does NOT make you "feel better" or "relieve your guilt." At least it didn't in my case. What confessing did was allow me to make some major changes in my life and how I think. It also made me accountable to my family, which I needed. I couldn't do it alone. More power to the people who can. I hate that I had to make myself accountable to my family, but it's what I had to do.
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Old 30th October 2017, 9:12 PM   #51
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I'm here
. What confessing did was allow me to make some major changes in my life and how I think. It also made me accountable to my family, which I needed. I couldn't do it alone. More power to the people who can. I hate that I had to make myself accountable to my family, but it's what I had to do.
One of the best reasons I have heard why one should confess.
Salut.

Last edited by Cullenbohannon; 30th October 2017 at 9:17 PM..
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Old 30th October 2017, 11:02 PM   #52
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I'm here
I agree with everything in this post. I did the right thing in confessing. I also don't believe that's the right move for everyone, but it was in my case.

But I need to reiterate MB's statement that confessing does NOT make you "feel better" or "relieve your guilt." At least it didn't in my case. What confessing did was allow me to make some major changes in my life and how I think. It also made me accountable to my family, which I needed. I couldn't do it alone. More power to the people who can. I hate that I had to make myself accountable to my family, but it's what I had to do.
This, this, this. deadsoul you have come a very long way and you make very much sense(this is coming from a man that can be very hard on a wayward). I remember your very first post about confessing and the look on the face of your husband after you confessed. I remember my very first reply to you about how you changed the value your husband saw in you by having an affair. Glad you are still here playing it forward.
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Old 30th October 2017, 11:11 PM   #53
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There is no such thing = "a dead soul"

Souls are reborn.
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