LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > The Other Man / Woman

Affair...it's killing me.


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

Like Tree69Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 29th October 2017, 9:05 PM   #31
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: United States
Posts: 4,632
Quote:
Originally Posted by Imajerk17 View Post
Every time you think about MM, think about the devastation you are now causing in your husband, and the pain you are putting your children through leading your double life. I hope that makes your selfish fun and excitement sound less appealing to you.
It's not my intention to beat anyone down, but you need to understand OP how dire your situation is. Your husband and kids are headed for an awful lot of pain due to your actions. You are basically driving a truck right into your family home--with everyone inside. The devastation you are about to cause your loved ones will stay w them a long long time.
Birdies likes this.
__________________
You'll thank me for saying that later.

Last edited by Imajerk17; 29th October 2017 at 9:10 PM..
Imajerk17 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2017, 9:28 PM   #32
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Imajerk17 View Post
It's not my intention to beat anyone down, but you need to understand OP how dire your situation is. Your husband and kids are headed for an awful lot of pain due to your actions. You are basically driving a truck right into your family home--with everyone inside. The devastation you are about to cause your loved ones will stay w them a long long time.
Even after I end it? I told MM by text last night that Iím done. I deleted his number and blocked his email address. I donít even feel sad at this stage, just sick to my stomach about my own actions over the past year. I woke feeling relieved.

What Iím hearing from a few people on here though is that ending it will not be enough to end the pain for my family unless I confess all?
Sarahhurts is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2017, 9:34 PM   #33
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 1,909
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
What Iím hearing from a few people on here though is that ending it will not be enough to end the pain for my family unless I confess all?
You'll hear all sorts of opinions about this. You yourself said you'd be in so much pain if you end it, your husband will surely want to know what in the world is wrong with you.

My personal opinion is that you're still going to have this huge secret between you which will impact your relationship even if you don't tell him. You'll live in fear constantly that he may sometime find out. But, if you tell him, well, you know how that will go. Either way, your relationship is forever harmed. There is simply no going back to more pure days .

Glad you ended it with MM. For now anyway.
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2017, 9:37 PM   #34
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,808
Grey Cloud has it - those are your choices. Don't be swayed by the few who ended up with their mm, you said yourself that he shuts off easily. He is really just having fun and these guys, they will drop you the second their wives have an inkling something is up.

You are in hell and the only way out is to keep going. You know you need to stop contact, etc. I sense it has gone way past the point where you have control over the situation though. Can you just stop? It is an addiction unfortunately. It takes about 6 months of NC to start feeling better. Another year after that to start to feel like you are getting back to yourself - except that you who you were, she is gone now. The innocence is lost. You will come out the other side but you will be a new person. That is not a bad thing as you will never fall for this kind of stuff again. Pain does that to a person.

People will post here and tell you that you need to tell your husband. Many of them are men who were the BS, so you need to take advice from whence it comes. Many spouses already know and - particularly men - wish they hadn't known the truth. Dead Soul confessed and I'm not sure she felt like it helped the situation at all. She doesn't post much anymore so I'm not sure where things stand.

Confessing is the right thing to do if your marriage has big flaws which you need to fix and you need your spouse to understand that things are so bad that you have gone and gotten yourself in this terrible situation. You need to be able to accept that your spouse may divorce you or hate you forever. Many men do. People will tell you that the spouse has a right to know and make the decision for themselves - but that is tricky because they are referring to themselves, they don't know your husband. You need to think about what you think he would want and what are your motives for telling him.

If you think you will tell him and feel better, you are wrong. You won't feel better, you will feel exactly the same way about your mm and now have this horrible situation to deal with on top of it. You will not be able to even hint at grieving in home. So if you tell him to try and unload your grief on him, it won't work. Only tell him if you think he would want to know and you are ready to do the work to fix your marriage. You need to be prepared to lose it all and not care.

My story is long, you can read it, but I told him the big points and we fixed our marriage. It was total h*ll though. I was in pain beyond belief for 2 years from the combination of both things going on. That is my story though. You need to figure out yours.
MidnightBlue1980 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2017, 9:45 PM   #35
Established Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,090
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
Even after I end it? I told MM by text last night that Iím done. I deleted his number and blocked his email address. I donít even feel sad at this stage, just sick to my stomach about my own actions over the past year. I woke feeling relieved.

What Iím hearing from a few people on here though is that ending it will not be enough to end the pain for my family unless I confess all?
I don't think you realize what you've done. You see you aren't on the receiving end of this but your H and family are.

Read up
Things that every wayward spouse needs to know
Marc878 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2017, 9:46 PM   #36
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 3,743
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
I told MM by text last night that Iím done. I deleted his number and blocked his email address.
IF you affair partner has any affection for you at all, he will respect your wishes and let you go.

IF he contacts you again or makes any attempt to re-initiate the affair, you will know that he does not have your best interest at heart - he is only looking out for his best interest. And then, you should really run for the hills...
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2017, 9:59 PM   #37
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 325
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
What Iím hearing from a few people on here though is that ending it will not be enough to end the pain for my family unless I confess all?
Ending it is good, but who knows how long that will last for? Haven't you ended it before only to pick up where you left off later on? The same inputs will guarantee you the same result.

Yes, ending the A is not enough in my opinion. Is it possible to have a real relationship with someone while hiding such a monstrous secret from them? I highly doubt it. This secret will always prevent you and your BH having a healthy relationship, and your children will model their future relationships on what they witness in your household, so yes, it will still damage everyone. The best way to deal with it is openly so everyone can get the help they need. IC for both you and your BH, and maybe even counselling for your kids.

When your BH or your kids inevitably see you mourning your AP, they (especially the kids if they are young) may begin to blame themselves for your unhappiness. Don't do that to them. Give them the gift of authenticity. Stop putting yourself and your desires first.
malvern99 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2017, 10:31 PM   #38
Established Member
 
aliveagain's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Just East of the Rockies
Posts: 3,107
The best way to confess is to do it in the presence of a professional counselor. Let them mediate/referee as an independent third party. As long as you have secrets this big between you and the other man and withheld from your husband(just my opinion as a betrayed spouse)your affair still lives. You need to start being honest, you have been lying to your husband too long. You allowed a predator into your marriage and he or your husband has to go.
aliveagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2017, 10:37 PM   #39
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,853
Yeah, you will need to drop the poetic tragedy. It's sad and it sucks that you compromised your boundaries.

How badly do you want to save your marriage?
MuddyFootprints is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2017, 11:25 PM   #40
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 64
Sarah and Imsosad

I feel a lot like you both. Happy to chat offline and be a source of strength.
Scoutjr is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2017, 11:31 PM   #41
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4,120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
Even after I end it? I told MM by text last night that Iím done. I deleted his number and blocked his email address. I donít even feel sad at this stage, just sick to my stomach about my own actions over the past year. I woke feeling relieved.

What Iím hearing from a few people on here though is that ending it will not be enough to end the pain for my family unless I confess all?
Say you step on a nail and it creates a great deal of pain. You pull the nail out and it gives you some relief. However, the wound is infected. If left untreated in time it will cost you your foot, then leg. It will spread until it consumes everything. That is your affair. Leave it untreated it will slow consume everything you once held dear.
DKT3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2017, 11:37 PM   #42
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 65
Iím not married so I canít comment if I would wanna know or not but what I can tell you is if you were in your husbands shoes would you want to know??

Letís say so far you havenít strayed,youíre faithful to him, and everything you wrote about your husband but heís the one sleeping with another woman and loves her. How does that make you feel and would you wanna know?? How would you react?


I think your NC is gonna fail. You said you texted him, blocked his email, deleted the number but...why not block the number also?? Itís little thing like these that we subconsciously do to leave the door open.

Chances that you will relapse are HUGE just like many of us in here have relapsed.

You say both you and affair partner are in love but he can turn it ďon/offĒ easy....as a guy I can tell you one thing. If youíre really in love with somebody there is NO OFF switch. So maybe you should also drop that outta your head. As somebody wrote, if this affair became known he would drop you like a hot potato and run to his wife.

I think you did a good thing to post on here. Keep coming back and keep posting each time you think you will crash. The thing you need to remember is to be honest on here if you want an honest opinion/advice.
Origin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th October 2017, 12:20 AM   #43
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 34
Youíll have to understand that if you do come clean to your H, itís not going to make you feel any better. Someone once said to me ďIgnorance is blissĒ.
Iím not in any real position to give advice. But understand that youíre going to cause a great deal of pain to your H. So donít tell him for your own relief. Maybe you shouldnít try marriage counseling. Start working on both of you together. And arrive to the confession if it needs to go there.
grass-hopper is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th October 2017, 1:13 AM   #44
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4,120
Quote:
Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
Youíll have to understand that if you do come clean to your H, itís not going to make you feel any better. Someone once said to me ďIgnorance is blissĒ.
Iím not in any real position to give advice. But understand that youíre going to cause a great deal of pain to your H. So donít tell him for your own relief. Maybe you shouldnít try marriage counseling. Start working on both of you together. And arrive to the confession if it needs to go there.
I confessed to my wife that I ate her banana bread....not the same as confessing to an affair. Point being confession (being honest) isn't the root of the pain it's what you're confessing too.

Trying to rebuild a marriage on a secret affair is like building a five million dollar house on a minefield. Everything may seem to be going great then one misstep and BOOM.
DKT3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th October 2017, 6:00 AM   #45
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 367
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
Even after I end it? I told MM by text last night that Iím done. I deleted his number and blocked his email address. I donít even feel sad at this stage, just sick to my stomach about my own actions over the past year. I woke feeling relieved.
?
This is a good first step and yes you will feel relieved and strong initially but be prepared for the intense cravings to reach out and contact him. It will be so intense but will only provide temporary relief (if at all) if you do contact him.

Hopefully he will respect your wishes and not contact you but the silence will become deafening. Its all part of the process.

I once went weeks of complete NC and thought I would never contact him again. One song on the radio and I completely triggered and sent him an email. If you feel like contacting him then post here instead.
BaileyB likes this.
Grey Cloud is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
This affair is killing me... alicia1217 The Other Man / Woman 17 11th October 2012 10:40 PM
Emotional Affair is killing 4year-itch The Other Man / Woman 19 9th October 2011 4:15 AM
Wifes affair and behavior is killing me Steve L Infidelity 19 18th November 2008 2:24 AM
i hit my boyfriend. his past is killing me. killing us. celesten10 Dating 2 20th March 2007 11:36 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:00 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.