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Affair...it's killing me.


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 29th October 2017, 9:01 AM   #16
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Hi Sarah, big hugs to you. I can see how much turmoil and sadness that you're feeling and I'm sorry that you're experiencing so much pain. There have been so many great suggestions already given and I echo the ones that have suggested to read stories of those who are out and are further along so that you can learn from the steps they've taken to crawl out of the hole that they dug for themselves.

We're here to support you and to keep you accountable if you need it. I feel like it's still early days for me and I'm still working through a lot, but things are getting better... But it is an incredibly slow process. And impossible if you don't have people to lean on through this.

You said that you wanted out. You clearly aren't happy with how things have been going. You've tried a lot of things that haven't worked so you're going to need to do something different. What do you think needs to happen differently for NC to stick?

For now, just take it a moment at a time... Keep reading and posting. For me, it's been helpful to get my story out there so I don't feel so alone. I have people here prodding me along when I get stuck and encouraging me. You'll hear from a lot of different people and different perspectives, and that's a good thing. We're here for you!
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Old 29th October 2017, 9:26 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by imsosad View Post
Sarah, you are most welcome.
I got this same exact advise on this board and I didn't follow through, thinking it far fetched to tell my H. Well, I did eventually, when I told him I was leaving and he said he already knew and was hoping I'd come clean so we can work it out.
I hope you resolve your issues properly so this whole affair will turn in to a distant dot in your far past and not dominate your life any longer. It takes guts and strenghth.
You wrote your MM is able to just switch off when he's at home and enjoy his marriage.
Mine was the same, it drove me nuts. I was all over the place and he seemed to be together.
My point of view was so distorted that I thought I was crazy for losing it and he was stronger and smarter for handling it so well. Ha. What a joke.
Don't envy him.
Living with him for months now I see it completely differently than I did before. I now know this isn't a positive sign. the switching off occurs when something is threatning, inconvenient. It is a childish response. Think of a kid who buries his face in his hands and thinks you can't see him. The ability to disconnect from yourself is not a desirable goal. In fact, a healthy adult aims to be engaged and in touch with their emotions as much as ppossible. Switching off is a sign that something is not right.
Your reaction is the normal one. Falling apart during an affair, imo, is the healthy reaction to an unhealthy situation. Hopefully, falling apart will drive you the best, positive, healthiest reaction of all- ending this nightmare.
I just read an interesting article about this yesterday. I think you're right that the "falling apart" reaction is actually the healthier one. Here's some excerpts from the article (Compartmentalizing | Every Man's Battle) .

Men who commit sexual betrayal, especially those who are sexually addicted, are incredibly adept at compartmentalizing their behavior.
...
Anyway, it is safe to say that the boxes are self-soothing, coping strategies that men use to deal with life. The fragmented mind of a sexually addicted man often finds its origin in his childhood. For myriad reasons, the child needed and developed distinct boxes, each with its own set of rules, regulations, and relationships in order to make sense of or deal with the pain in his world.
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Old 29th October 2017, 3:49 PM   #18
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op,
It really sounds like this situation is mixed up.

You say you can;t tell your spouse because it would hurt him and your children. Madam, it isn't the telling that hurts, it's the affair itself that is the problem.

Why is " don't want to hurt my husband/kids" enough reason to not tell him, but that's not enough of a concern to stop the affair?
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Old 29th October 2017, 4:09 PM   #19
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op,
It really sounds like this situation is mixed up.

You say you can;t tell your spouse because it would hurt him and your children. Madam, it isn't the telling that hurts, it's the affair itself that is the problem.

Why is " don't want to hurt my husband/kids" enough reason to not tell him, but that's not enough of a concern to stop the affair?
Funny how that works huh?

We see this exact situation time and time again. Posters come in and try to help, but in all honesty it's all useless, she isn't ready and/or willing to actually end the affair, tell her husband or walk away from the marriage.

It's always "don't want to hurt them" when it's really "I just want both or I don't want to face the consequences of my actions" we're it really about not wanting to hurt the spouse or impact the kids then the hurtful behavior would end, right?
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Old 29th October 2017, 4:17 PM   #20
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Funny how that works huh?

We see this exact situation time and time again. Posters come in and try to help, but in all honesty it's all useless, she isn't ready and/or willing to actually end the affair, tell her husband or walk away from the marriage.

It's always "don't want to hurt them" when it's really "I just want both or I don't want to face the consequences of my actions" we're it really about not wanting to hurt the spouse or impact the kids then the hurtful behavior would end, right?
It should be that simple, but it doesn't seem to work that way... does it.
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Old 29th October 2017, 4:53 PM   #21
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Why is it that so many people having affairs believe that telling their spouse about their infidelity is what causes the pain? Please grow up, meeting someone without your spouse's knowledge, the secret dirty little world you create with some stranger, meet ups in cheap hotel rooms, the back seat of a car or on your office desk, that is what hurts because you betrayed the trust they gave you. There is no way to describe that pain you go through when someone you would give your life to defend disrespects and humiliates you like that. This special man you are so in love with that is cheating on his wife with you and will never leave his wife, this is the guy you think so highly of? One day when you are really lonely wondering how you got here you will re read your posts and wonder why you were so..........

The way you proceed is really important. Get professional help because right now you are making some really bad decisions. There is still hope that you and your family can recover from this. Being part time in your family isn't the way to go forward if it's your family you want. Quit giving the other man what belongs to your husband. Everything you do and have done with him will have to be told to your husband at some point if reconciliation is what you want. There is no room for lies in a successful marriage. Think about these things carefully because it is your life we are writing about. What happens will make very little difference to me and my life but it still breaks my heart when I think about your children. Parents are supposed to give their children every opportunity to succeed in life, not this. Get the help you need with someone that has infidelity experience. The pain has already been done and it won't change if he discovers your betrayal tomorrow or 15 years from now, it will hurt him the same.

If you don't want to hear the truth from someone that has been in your husbands position just say so and this will be my last post to you.
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Old 29th October 2017, 4:58 PM   #22
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Why is it that so many people having affairs believe that telling their spouse about their infidelity is what causes the pain? Please grow up, meeting someone without your spouse's knowledge, the secret dirty little world you create with some stranger, meet ups in cheap hotel rooms, the back seat of a car or on your office desk, that is what hurts because you betrayed the trust they gave you. There is no way to describe that pain you go through when someone you would give your life to defend disrespects and humiliates you like that. This special man you are so in love with that is cheating on his wife with you and will never leave his wife, this is the guy you think so highly of? One day when you are really lonely wondering how you got here you will re read your posts and wonder why you were so..........

The way you proceed is really important. Get professional help because right now you are making some really bad decisions. There is still hope that you and your family can recover from this. Being part time in your family isn't the way to go forward if it's your family you want. Quit giving the other man what belongs to your husband. Everything you do and have done with him will have to be told to your husband at some point if reconciliation is what you want. There is no room for lies in a successful marriage. Think about these things carefully because it is your life we are writing about. What happens will make very little difference to me and my life but it still breaks my heart when I think about your children. Parents are supposed to give their children every opportunity to succeed in life, not this. Get the help you need with someone that has infidelity experience. The pain has already been done and it won't change if he discovers your betrayal tomorrow or 15 years from now, it will hurt him the same.

If you don't want to hear the truth from someone that has been in your husbands position just say so and this will be my last post to you.
I hear you and Iím taking it all in. Thank you.
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Old 29th October 2017, 6:06 PM   #23
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I hear you and I’m taking it all in. Thank you.
Every time you think about MM, think about the devastation you are now causing in your husband, and the pain you are putting your children through leading your double life. I hope that makes your selfish fun and excitement sound less appealing to you.
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Old 29th October 2017, 6:12 PM   #24
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Funny how that works huh?

We see this exact situation time and time again. Posters come in and try to help, but in all honesty it's all useless, she isn't ready and/or willing to actually end the affair, tell her husband or walk away from the marriage.

It's always "don't want to hurt them" when it's really "I just want both or I don't want to face the consequences of my actions" we're it really about not wanting to hurt the spouse or impact the kids then the hurtful behavior would end, right?
I don't want this to sound like an excuse, but it's part of the addiction. Think of a drug addict or alcoholic. They say the same things. One thing we all have in common is we avoid, don't face our problems head on.

It seems so simple to just advise someone to end it. I believe most of us never planned to be in that position to begin with. It is a painful, terrible position with a ton of self-loathing.

In a strange way, I welcomed many of the negative comments I read because it was my way of punishing myself. I'd think, "Yep. You deserve every bit of this."

I did, to be honest. I realize now how warped my interpretation of everything around me was. I still fall into that thinking and I have to catch myself and remind myself that's not how I am anymore.

OP is recognizing she can't continue this way and it's a start. Making the move to end it is the next step. Baby steps.

OP, take it in. I hope you get the courage to take the next step. I wish it was easy as many think. But I know from experience it isn't. I got really lucky because it was done for me. I was trying to end it and couldn't.

I didn't used to think I was lucky it ended the way it did, but now.... I think I am extremely lucky. I needed a huge wake up call. Unfortunately, like an addict, you may have to hit bottom. The good news is, the only way from there is UP.
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Old 29th October 2017, 6:34 PM   #25
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OP, take it in. I hope you get the courage to take the next step. I wish it was easy as many think. But I know from experience it isn't. I got really lucky because it was done for me. I was trying to end it and couldn't.

I didn't used to think I was lucky it ended the way it did, but now.... I think I am extremely lucky. I needed a huge wake up call. Unfortunately, like an addict, you may have to hit bottom. The good news is, the only way from there is UP.
Same. My A (I was married and in an A with a MM, same deal as you Sarah, very much in love with him) was ended for me, by his estranged wife suddenly showing up and then calling my husband before I could get ahold of him. Obviously it was a life-ending disaster of epic pain for everyone at the time, but I think now too that it was lucky. Otherwise I would have eventually had to end it, and we would have still been in love but white-knuckling through NC, and there would be a huuuuge secret between my husband and me that would always create distance between us and that I would always have feared would come out eventually.

Instead, as awful as it was, having the truth exposed allowed each of us to examine honestly and without deception what we wanted going forward. It gave my husband the chance to make a decision about his life with all the information available to him, instead of being woefully clueless about the biggest betrayal of his life. It gave me a chance to truly evaluate what I wanted in life, whether it was my marriage or to move on from my marriage, without being stuck in inertia because I couldn't be honest with him and I couldn't fathom hurting him with the knowledge of what I'd done. We all could make an informed decision, and while that was a devastating process, it was also a relief.

Anyway, I know you probably can't fathom telling your husband, but be warned that it will be 1000% worse if he finds out in another way.

I hope you can decide to pull the trigger once and for all on NC. Otherwise your life will blow up spectacularly just as mine did. But as I said, I think the eventual honesty between my husband and me was worth the pain of it all, and I know he agrees. (We eventually divorced and my MM and I have been in a great relationship for several years. My ex has a new gf and I think we are both a lot happier than before, although our marriage was not terrible.)

Ps, just ignore the posters here who have 100% judgment, 0% advice. This board serves as a convenient whipping boy for some betrayed spouses.
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Old 29th October 2017, 7:02 PM   #26
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Listen, in these situations she, like you or Deadsoul when you came didn't HEAR advice only those coddling you and patting you on the back. That's stuff is nice and all but not helpful.

All of us that have traveled this road know what steps she will have to take at some point one way or the other, she isn't hearing it I don't want to hurt him?? Boat left the dock first time she lied or mislead her husband for MM.

Once she gets serious about this then she will take steps towards a real solution, steps that are real actions and sacrifices.

I get that some say it's not that simple, addiction and all. My wife had a 20 month affair, she wasn't in love or addicted, she said it was that long because when she hung out with him was the only time she did feel like crap about herself. I empathize with that, I can empathize with feeling helpless or confused. I can't empathize with the denial and delusion that not taking steps have anything to do with saving the spouse from pain. The truth is, like the affair the motive is selfish based. Not wanting the spouse to change his/her view, not wanting to face consequences, not wanting to change the fact that you're getting attention from two people, not wanting to give up the excitement blah blah blah. Not wanting to hurt the spouse is just the excuse for not being honest...plus it sounds better to tell yourself that.
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Old 29th October 2017, 7:15 PM   #27
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Listen, in these situations she, like you or Deadsoul when you came didn't HEAR advice only those coddling you and patting you on the back. That's stuff is nice and all but not helpful.

All of us that have traveled this road know what steps she will have to take at some point one way or the other, she isn't hearing it I don't want to hurt him?? Boat left the dock first time she lied or mislead her husband for MM.

Once she gets serious about this then she will take steps towards a real solution, steps that are real actions and sacrifices.

I get that some say it's not that simple, addiction and all. My wife had a 20 month affair, she wasn't in love or addicted, she said it was that long because when she hung out with him was the only time she did feel like crap about herself. I empathize with that, I can empathize with feeling helpless or confused. I can't empathize with the denial and delusion that not taking steps have anything to do with saving the spouse fr bethe spouse to change his/her view, not wanting to face consequences, not wanting to change the fact that you're getting attention from two people, not wanting to give up the excitement blah blah blah. Not wanting to hurt the spouse is just the excuse for not being honest...plus it sounds better to tell yourself that.
It's good for her to get everyone's perspective: yours is as the betrayed, mine is the wayward's. I've been there, just as you have, but from another perspective. I know you see it as coddling, and I get that. I see many betrayed posts coming from their own pain, which OP needs to hear as well.

The wayward will never truly understand the betrayed spouse's pain. The betrayed isn't expected (nor should they) to emphasize with the wayward's pain. After all, we've caused all of the destruction. We have to live with that.
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Old 29th October 2017, 7:21 PM   #28
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It's good for her to get everyone's perspective: yours is as the betrayed, mine is the wayward's. I've been there, just as you have, but from another perspective. I know you see it as coddling, and I get that. I see many betrayed posts coming from their own pain, which OP needs to hear as well.

The wayward will never truly understand the betrayed spouse's pain. The betrayed isn't expected (nor should they) to emphasize with the wayward's pain. After all, we've caused all of the destruction. We have to live with that.
I don't agree, I do empathize with the pain of waywards, I mean you guys are human right? You make mistakes and have regrets. I empathize with the fear of facing consequences. I don't empathize with delusional excuses for not giving someone who one claims to love or at least care for a choice, I don't empathize with endangering Thier health and we'll being, or the physical safety of your family....after all one never knows how people will react in dire situations.
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Old 29th October 2017, 7:30 PM   #29
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A's are definitely addictions, but like any addiction, they are almost impossible to beat alone. No one would advise a heroin addict to just stop doing heroin. If it were that easy, they wouldn't be addicted. Addicts need support systems in real life in order to be able to fight their addiction, and the best weapon against addiction is truth. Wasting energy trying to hide an addiction is self defeating. That energy would be better spent fighting the addiction in the light of day with the support of those who love you.

Let me put it this way OP. How many times have you tried to end the A? From your initial post I gather it is more than once. All those failed attempts have one thing in common, and that is you trying to battle it alone. How has that worked out for you? So my question is what makes this time different? How can you possibly expect a different result if all the inputs are the same as the last times you tried to end it? Trying the same thing over and over expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

In order to successfully end it, you have to try something different. The only proven way to deal with affairs is to do it in the light of day. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. Your BH needs to know the truth as does your AP's wife.

The best piece of advice anyone can give you is this. Stop trying to control the outcome. Living like that will only keep you trapped in your current situation. Let go of the outcome, deal with the consequences of your decisions, and work on making yourself the best version of you you can. Yes, you made some terrible choices that will likely follow you for a long time. Attempting to hide those choices from your spouse won't change the fact that the A happened. That said though, that doesn't have to be the end of your story. The choices you make now will determine the outcome. You can either continue to live the double life that robs your family of your 100% presence always praying your BH never finds out, or you can take those chains off and live authentically with empathy for those who love you. The choice, like the consequences are yours.
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Old 29th October 2017, 8:38 PM   #30
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I think you need to come clean. free your self even if it means chance u may lose ur man
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