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Affair...it's killing me.


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Old 28th October 2017, 7:02 PM   #1
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Affair...it's killing me.

I'm having an affair with a MM (with a family) that I met at work. I'm also married to a wonderful man who would move mountains for me and we have three beautiful children.

I don't know why I fell into it. I expect to be judged by so many people on here and I'll take what I deserve.

I guess I wanted to sample a little taste of the excitement and thrill to make a temporary escape from the reality and complacency that parenthood and long term marriage can sometimes bring.

I got hooked though and I don't know how to get out. We fell in love. The emotional connection is overpowering, controlling.

I wŠnt to focus on my husband and family and I want to be back where I belong. But I can't seem to beat the obsession, the sadness, the sinking depression.

We tried NC but we always end up back in an EA under the guise of friendship.

NC is so hard for me that I end up physically ill and it's impossible to hide my distress from my husband. I end up making excuses of depression or flu or whatever I can find to

My husband is so supportive and wants me to be happy. He tries so hard but I can tell he doesn't quite know why I'm like this. I blame my health, my job, my depression, family politics.

I cannot tell my husband. It would kill him and it would most certainly break up our family. Yes, he deserves to know and deserves to make his own choices but I think here about our children too.

I want to succeed at NC but I don't know how to hide the distress that it will bring from him while I battle the withdrawal.

In order to get away from MM I left my job and started a new one on lesser pay, one that I hate. It took about two weeks before we picked it up again. We message daily, see each other about once a week as friends in a restaurant and every few months our paths cross on business trips and we have a PA.

I live from contact to contact... everything I read on here resonates with me.

He seems to do a far better job of switching on and off. He loves his family and is happily married.

I'm sinking into the dark depths of depression and I can do with a supportive group around me. I cannot do this alone.... please help me.
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Old 28th October 2017, 7:16 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
I'm having an affair with a MM (with a family) that I met at work. I'm also married to a wonderful man who would move mountains for me and we have three beautiful children.

I don't know why I fell into it. I expect to be judged by so many people on here and I'll take what I deserve.

I guess I wanted to sample a little taste of the excitement and thrill to make a temporary escape from the reality and complacency that parenthood and long term marriage can sometimes bring.

I got hooked though and I don't know how to get out. We fell in love. The emotional connection is overpowering, controlling.

I wŠnt to focus on my husband and family and I want to be back where I belong. But I can't seem to beat the obsession, the sadness, the sinking depression.

We tried NC but we always end up back in an EA under the guise of friendship.

NC is so hard for me that I end up physically ill and it's impossible to hide my distress from my husband. I end up making excuses of depression or flu or whatever I can find to

My husband is so supportive and wants me to be happy. He tries so hard but I can tell he doesn't quite know why I'm like this. I blame my health, my job, my depression, family politics.

I cannot tell my husband. It would kill him and it would most certainly break up our family. Yes, he deserves to know and deserves to make his own choices but I think here about our children too.

I want to succeed at NC but I don't know how to hide the distress that it will bring from him while I battle the withdrawal.

In order to get away from MM I left my job and started a new one on lesser pay, one that I hate. It took about two weeks before we picked it up again. We message daily, see each other about once a week as friends in a restaurant and every few months our paths cross on business trips and we have a PA.

I live from contact to contact... everything I read on here resonates with me.

He seems to do a far better job of switching on and off. He loves his family and is happily married.

I'm sinking into the dark depths of depression and I can do with a supportive group around me. I cannot do this alone.... please help me.
It sounds like you've done enough reading to know your relationship is no special flower. It's 100% typical of affairs and you two do not have some unique special love of a lifetime.

There's only one way to end this and get your life back, and it sounds like you genuinely want your life back. No contact. It's that simple. Delete his contact information. Block his number. Tell him you have to do this, and have the self respect to stick to it.

Good luck.
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Old 28th October 2017, 7:30 PM   #3
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Sounds like you're in limerence. You need to block, your husband will catch on eventually. Keep posting here and do everything you can to stay away.
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Old 28th October 2017, 7:37 PM   #4
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Reading your story made me very sad. You know what you need to do, yet you are clearly struggling to end this relationship. Because of the decisions that you have made, the security and happiness of your husband and three children hang in the balance... And that, is very sad because they didn't chose this and they don't deserve this.

There are only two things to do - no contact and counselling.

I wish you strength.

Last edited by BaileyB; 28th October 2017 at 7:45 PM..
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Old 28th October 2017, 9:27 PM   #5
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He seems to do a far better job of switching on and off.
Yes, I believe men are able to do this much better than we can. I think their brains are wired to compartmentalize where ours are not.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. If this man truly cares about you, he will understand that you need to let him go, and he will help you by going NC with you. Maybe you can take some solace in that thought - that he cares enough about you to help you do what's best for yourself.

If he keeps coming back, well then you know he's just the typical MM out for his own satisfaction, and he doesn't really care who it hurts.
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Old 28th October 2017, 10:34 PM   #6
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I guess you and your husband have different opinions on what marriage means. Once you've stepped over that line you own it for the rest of your life because you can't undo what you have done. You will have to tell your husband one day because he is the only one that can forgive you if that matters to you. The longer you carry this on the worse it will be for everyone that loves you. If your husband is like many men, infidelity is a deal breaker.

Only you can decide if that taste of excitement was worth the cost to you, your husband and the futures of your innocent children. I just don't understand why intelligent people will risk so much for something that means so little yet affects everyone that is important in their life. You selfishness has changed the paths of everyone around you. You will remember this for the rest of your life. You have to make a decision, who is more important in your life, your affair partner or your husband and children. The bigger the secret you hide the greater it shines, you will be discovered, just look at the thousands of members registered on this site. The chances of saving your marriage are much better if you confess. As a betrayed spouse I can tell you that infidelity is the greatest form of disrespect you can show your husband. Nothing will ever be the same even if you don't get caught.
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Old 28th October 2017, 10:51 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
I guess I wanted to sample a little taste of the excitement and thrill to make a temporary escape from the reality and complacency that parenthood and long term marriage can sometimes bring.

I got hooked though and I don't know how to get out. We fell in love. The emotional connection is overpowering, controlling.

I wŠnt to focus on my husband and family and I want to be back where I belong. But I can't seem to beat the obsession, the sadness, the sinking depression.

I cannot tell my husband. It would kill him and it would most certainly break up our family. Yes, he deserves to know and deserves to make his own choices but I think here about our children too.

I want to succeed at NC but I don't know how to hide the distress that it will bring from him while I battle the withdrawal.

In order to get away from MM I left my job and started a new one on lesser pay, one that I hate. It took about two weeks before we picked it up again.
Hello Sarahhurts, and welcome

I am sorry you are in so much pain.

The items quoted from your post above jumped out at me.

Your actions have not matched your words.

And like so many of us here, you know what you need to do, but since it is hard, you get so far and then you turn back. You actually left your job, for instance, and not even two weeks later, you were back in it with the married man, who is getting everything he needs - he is totally fulfilled - from two women. I am willing to bet that as you sink into despair, he has a lighter step and is actually quite happy...

You wanted a temporary escape and a little taste of the excitement. Unfortunately, that also comes with the price tag of what you are now experiencing. Interestingly enough, you probably could have accomplished a shake-up by telling your husband you either found another man attractive or were considering an affair.

But that is water now under the bridge.

What should you do?
You are not so weak that you must bend to the whims of your emotions. It's hard. You are and will continue to experience sinking depression, sadness... but the obsession will lessen as you step into the reality of what you are doing and have done and put an end to your affair. It is draining you. And you are actively lying to yourself, your husband, and your children.

I would consider reading in the Infidelity forum in addition to this one. Check out posts by (and this is off the top of my head) deadsoul, jenkins95, and Overtaxed as a start - there are more members who have found themselves in your position (and/or in the position of your betrayed husband), of course. Read all their stories and how they all panned out and what they did to stop the madness and then recover... As you find and read their posts, you will discover many others. It is all eye opening.

You need a dose of reality, and you say you cannot tell your husband because you must think of the children. The fact of the matter is, as a married person, you cannot afford to live out a fantasy with an external person without the possibility of blowing up everything you've built at home... you must always be aware of threats to your marriage - even if you are the threat. And you must always be vigilant in protecting from these threats... a rule of thumb here is to act in this way: if it cannot be said or done in front of your husband, then don't do it. End of.

Some will advise you to clue in your husband, and that will provide the most powerful dose of reality to you - and to him. I cannot advise you to do this. I am unmarried, and I have no children. But I can say, the truth shall set you free.

Wishing you courage and peace as you travel this road. Keep posting, and please read, read, read... you are bound to obtain some clarity by reading these threads.
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Last edited by Vivir; 28th October 2017 at 11:01 PM..
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Old 28th October 2017, 11:50 PM   #8
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Your story sounds very similar to mine except I'm almost two years on from where you are now. And by no means healed and still struggling with a lot of demons of my own! (I'm in counselling).

I had an affair for 12 months in 2015 with a married co- worker with children and I was also married with children. The difference is that we stopped the A (the physical component anyway) when he found another job. I entered the A for the same reasons as you.

You feel depressed because deep down you realise the hopelessness of the situation. The initial excitement and "feeling alive" is slowly being eroded by the addiction. The obsessing and living your life on hold getting through from one contact to the next to keep you going. Not living in the moment, not enjoying your kids etc. My XMM was exactly like yours - could compartmentalise way better and still enjoy his happily married life.

There is no future. You have already said he is happily married and therefore I assume also having loving sex with his wife. He no doubt enjoys the attention, validation and ego boost from you but so long as it doesn't effect his primary relationship with his wife. That will always be his priority.

If you don't want to tell your husband (no judgement as I didn't either) there are 4 options:

1. Continue as is. Over time the depression and loss of your sense of self will get worse and become more overwhelming. Not to mention jealousy and behaving irrationally. And the guilt of living a double secret life. Plus all the push/pull stuff!

2. D day - this is a very real option. If the A is ever exposed then everything is destroyed anyway. Your MM will drop you like a hot potato so he can work on saving his marriage. Your husband and children will be devastated. Your husband already senses something is up with you. I am sure your MM's wife does as well. It's only a matter of time.

3. LC - you end the A but remain in LC under the guise of "friends". So you can still get your fix. I chose this option and it didn't work. The pain of remaining in contact (where nothing is ever the same as it was in the beginning), will become greater than the pain of going NC.

4. Permanent NC - yep, it feels horrendous and almost impossible. The pain of withdrawal from your addiction is overwhelming. This is the path that Jenkins took and if you read his story you will see now that 2 years on he is a much better place. This is the path I wish I was strong enough to take at the start. I still have a long way to go but realise now that permanent NC is the only way. You need to remove the addiction because no matter how strong you try and be and no matter how many "boundaries" you have in place, the addiction will prove too strong and one contact is all it takes to go back to square one.

None of the options are pleasant because that is the nature of affairs. They are a head f@k and nothing will ever be the same again.

I feel for you because you have a really long journey ahead of you no matter which path you take. Read up on limerance and realise that what you and your MM share is not special or unique. It's chemical which is why you are struggling so much now.

I'm sorry to say it's only going to get worse unless you take some type of serious action. You'll realise that the pain you experience during NC is better then the anxiety, depression and conflicting feelings remaining in the A.

ONLY if your XMM is out of the picture do you have any hope of working on your marriage and your feelings for your husband. Right now, your MM is a massive distraction in your life. Your "real" life is still there to sort out when that distraction is gone.

Last edited by Grey Cloud; 29th October 2017 at 12:10 AM..
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Old 29th October 2017, 1:49 AM   #9
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I can see that you are hurting OP, but I'm not convinced you are ready to do what is required to end your affair. You know what is required but you are still in the rationalization phase. As long as you stay in that phase, nothing will change.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
I don't know why I fell into it. I expect to be judged by so many people on here and I'll take what I deserve.
You'll get no judgement here. You may get some very uncomfortable truths, but they're not judgement.

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Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
I guess I wanted to sample a little taste of the excitement and thrill to make a temporary escape from the reality and complacency that parenthood and long term marriage can sometimes bring.
All due respect, that is not the real reason for starting an affair. If it was, then sh*t, everybody would be having affairs all the time, your BH included, because he's been in the same marriage as you hasn't he? You need to dig deeper to find your reasons. IC will help a lot.

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Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
I got hooked though and I don't know how to get out. We fell in love. The emotional connection is overpowering, controlling.
You know exactly how to get out. You just aren't willing to do what it takes yet.

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Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
I wŠnt to focus on my husband and family and I want to be back where I belong. But I can't seem to beat the obsession, the sadness, the sinking depression.
If you really wanted to focus on your BH and kids you would. Acting like you're the victim of some uncontrollable obsession or force is a cop out because it conveniently takes all responsibility away from you. You are an adult perfectly capable of making decisions for yourself. Own that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
We tried NC but we always end up back in an EA under the guise of friendship.

NC is so hard for me that I end up physically ill and it's impossible to hide my distress from my husband. I end up making excuses of depression or flu or whatever I can find to.
You end up running back to your AP because you have no one to hold you accountable. That is the price of hiding your secret. You have no one to lean on.

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Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
My husband is so supportive and wants me to be happy. He tries so hard but I can tell he doesn't quite know why I'm like this. I blame my health, my job, my depression, family politics.
This is the saddest part of your story. You have a spouse who actually loves you enough to notice and be supportive when he notices you are struggling. The poor bastard.

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Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
I cannot tell my husband. It would kill him and it would most certainly break up our family. Yes, he deserves to know and deserves to make his own choices but I think here about our children too.
I'll be frank here. Your main concern here is yourself. Don't drag your kids into it to try and rationalize your decision to try to save your own skin. Your BH not only deserves to know, but he also deserves to have a partner who thinks of him the way you think of your AP.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
I want to succeed at NC but I don't know how to hide the distress that it will bring from him while I battle the withdrawal.

In order to get away from MM I left my job and started a new one on lesser pay, one that I hate. It took about two weeks before we picked it up again. We message daily, see each other about once a week as friends in a restaurant and every few months our paths cross on business trips and we have a PA.
So, don't hide the distress. Tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may. An authentic life is worth its weight in gold, and that goes for your BH too. His marriage has been make believe from the day the affair started.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
I live from contact to contact... everything I read on here resonates with me.

He seems to do a far better job of switching on and off. He loves his family and is happily married.

I'm sinking into the dark depths of depression and I can do with a supportive group around me. I cannot do this alone.... please help me.
This isn't really about your AP. It's about you and who you want to be. What are you willing to do to get to the point where you are happy with yourself?
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Old 29th October 2017, 2:01 AM   #10
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Hi Sarah...

BTDT. It is not an easy place to be in. Yes, you will get a lot of judgment here, but you will also get support.

When I was in your situation, it was by far the worst time in my life. I'm coming up on a year since it ended. It can be done.

If you aren't in counseling, that's a good place to start. Work on you. Work on fixing you. Many here will tell you have to confess right away, but before you even think about making that decision, you have to fix you. No one else can do it but you.

Try not to hit bottom. For many, it's the only way out.

Keep posting. You will find many posters who you relate with. For me, some of those are Jenkins, Midnight Blue, Southern Sun and Grey Cloud (waves). HeCantbreakme doesn't post much anymore, but read her story too.
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Old 29th October 2017, 3:22 AM   #11
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I feel your pain. I have been where you are at and I am here to offer caution.
I went NC for a year and tried to work on my marriage, without disclosing the affair to my H. I spent a miserable year, feeling guilty towards my H, missing my MM, angry with myself. A mess.Total,horrible, mess. I did not understand why I was not getting any better and why I was feeling so torn between my H and MM.
After a year of NC, my MM and I both left our marriages and decided to be together.
Great, right?
Nope.
I have a nagging feeling that I gave up on my marriage without giving my H and myself a true chance at salvaging it. By not confessing to my H (for the same reasons you don't want to- it would hurt him, he will leave me, the kids will be devestated) I continued the affair in my heart. It was a form of false reconcilliation, I was over compensating and we got along better but we didn't face our true problems together and tried to tackle them.
I am pretty sure that had I confessed and asked for reconcilliation, my exH and I could have worked things out and kept our family together.
I will get slammed for this, but I really do love both men. One is my children's father and a man I have 20 years of shared history with. He is also a man who never strayed. These 3 things alone probavly made hime the better choice for me.
exMM and I love each other and get along very well. In many ways, we're better suited than my ex H and I. Having said that, in a fundemental way, I trust my ex H in a way I still can't my exMM/now partner. And I miss my ex H, often. (Re: trust issue. Yes, we were both married but if you read my thread you will see differences in our attitudes which cause my concern)
My partner knows all of this. One thing I have learned, better to have out with it and let the chips fall. I do not hold back or avoid any conflict, no matter how hard it is for me to say things.
So, 3 years after the A began, I am still struggling with it and its reprecussions. I couldn't move past MM because I wasn't honest with my exH, and I can't really move on with wxMM because I feel unfinished business with my exH.
I didn't look to thread jack (though I think I did) but to warn you that your decisions now are crucial to your future. If you ask me,I'd tell you to go NC, get in MC with your H and tell him everything. Whatever happens later, you will know that you did all you could to make things right. I thought at the time I could just bury the A and forget all about it, while resuming a happy ever after with my H. Didn't work.
I believe that had I done things right, maybe I still would have been divorced and with my exMM, but I'd feel much more at peace with it.
Good luck.
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Old 29th October 2017, 4:22 AM   #12
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The time and effort people have gone to to respond to my post have overwhelmed me so much!

Iím in floods of tears here over some of the true, profound and valuable information given.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart... iím in the claws of a very dark depression and the only thing that keeps me going is my beautiful children and husband who deserve none of this.

The pain is overwhelming, the confusion, the fog, the pretense to hold it together. I donít know how to make the first step. Yes, it may seem so self-absorbing, selfish and simple...itís easy, just walk away and delete his number.

With it will come the complete devastation though of the people that I love and whom I will hurt because I will not be able to hide the pain, the drug withdrawal, the guilt. I will have to come clean and I fear the storm of pain in my house.

Why should others get hurt? Only I deserve this pain. But in hiding it I cause them pain anyway, only they donít know the name of it.
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Old 29th October 2017, 4:23 AM   #13
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I feel your pain. I have been where you are at and I am here to offer caution.
I went NC for a year and tried to work on my marriage, without disclosing the affair to my H. I spent a miserable year, feeling guilty towards my H, missing my MM, angry with myself. A mess.Total,horrible, mess. I did not understand why I was not getting any better and why I was feeling so torn between my H and MM.
After a year of NC, my MM and I both left our marriages and decided to be together.
Great, right?
Nope.
I have a nagging feeling that I gave up on my marriage without giving my H and myself a true chance at salvaging it. By not confessing to my H (for the same reasons you don't want to- it would hurt him, he will leave me, the kids will be devestated) I continued the affair in my heart. It was a form of false reconcilliation, I was over compensating and we got along better but we didn't face our true problems together and tried to tackle them.
I am pretty sure that had I confessed and asked for reconcilliation, my exH and I could have worked things out and kept our family together.
I will get slammed for this, but I really do love both men. One is my children's father and a man I have 20 years of shared history with. He is also a man who never strayed. These 3 things alone probavly made hime the better choice for me.
exMM and I love each other and get along very well. In many ways, we're better suited than my ex H and I. Having said that, in a fundemental way, I trust my ex H in a way I still can't my exMM/now partner. And I miss my ex H, often. (Re: trust issue. Yes, we were both married but if you read my thread you will see differences in our attitudes which cause my concern)
My partner knows all of this. One thing I have learned, better to have out with it and let the chips fall. I do not hold back or avoid any conflict, no matter how hard it is for me to say things.
So, 3 years after the A began, I am still struggling with it and its reprecussions. I couldn't move past MM because I wasn't honest with my exH, and I can't really move on with wxMM because I feel unfinished business with my exH.
I didn't look to thread jack (though I think I did) but to warn you that your decisions now are crucial to your future. If you ask me,I'd tell you to go NC, get in MC with your H and tell him everything. Whatever happens later, you will know that you did all you could to make things right. I thought at the time I could just bury the A and forget all about it, while resuming a happy ever after with my H. Didn't work.
I believe that had I done things right, maybe I still would have been divorced and with my exMM, but I'd feel much more at peace with it.
Good luck.

This is a very interesting perspective. Thank you so much for sharing.
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Old 29th October 2017, 4:52 AM   #14
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Sarah, you are most welcome.
I got this same exact advise on this board and I didn't follow through, thinking it far fetched to tell my H. Well, I did eventually, when I told him I was leaving and he said he already knew and was hoping I'd come clean so we can work it out.
I hope you resolve your issues properly so this whole affair will turn in to a distant dot in your far past and not dominate your life any longer. It takes guts and strenghth.
You wrote your MM is able to just switch off when he's at home and enjoy his marriage.
Mine was the same, it drove me nuts. I was all over the place and he seemed to be together.
My point of view was so distorted that I thought I was crazy for losing it and he was stronger and smarter for handling it so well. Ha. What a joke.
Don't envy him.
Living with him for months now I see it completely differently than I did before. I now know this isn't a positive sign. the switching off occurs when something is threatning, inconvenient. It is a childish response. Think of a kid who buries his face in his hands and thinks you can't see him. The ability to disconnect from yourself is not a desirable goal. In fact, a healthy adult aims to be engaged and in touch with their emotions as much as ppossible. Switching off is a sign that something is not right.
Your reaction is the normal one. Falling apart during an affair, imo, is the healthy reaction to an unhealthy situation. Hopefully, falling apart will drive you the best, positive, healthiest reaction of all- ending this nightmare.
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Old 29th October 2017, 4:55 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by imsosad View Post
I feel your pain. I have been where you are at and I am here to offer caution.
I went NC for a year and tried to work on my marriage, without disclosing the affair to my H. I spent a miserable year, feeling guilty towards my H, missing my MM, angry with myself. A mess.Total,horrible, mess. I did not understand why I was not getting any better and why I was feeling so torn between my H and MM.
After a year of NC, my MM and I both left our marriages and decided to be together.
Great, right?
Nope.
I have a nagging feeling that I gave up on my marriage without giving my H and myself a true chance at salvaging it. By not confessing to my H (for the same reasons you don't want to- it would hurt him, he will leave me, the kids will be devestated) I continued the affair in my heart. It was a form of false reconcilliation, I was over compensating and we got along better but we didn't face our true problems together and tried to tackle them.
I am pretty sure that had I confessed and asked for reconcilliation, my exH and I could have worked things out and kept our family together.
I will get slammed for this, but I really do love both men. One is my children's father and a man I have 20 years of shared history with. He is also a man who never strayed. These 3 things alone probavly made hime the better choice for me.
exMM and I love each other and get along very well. In many ways, we're better suited than my ex H and I. Having said that, in a fundemental way, I trust my ex H in a way I still can't my exMM/now partner. And I miss my ex H, often. (Re: trust issue. Yes, we were both married but if you read my thread you will see differences in our attitudes which cause my concern)
My partner knows all of this. One thing I have learned, better to have out with it and let the chips fall. I do not hold back or avoid any conflict, no matter how hard it is for me to say things.
So, 3 years after the A began, I am still struggling with it and its reprecussions. I couldn't move past MM because I wasn't honest with my exH, and I can't really move on with wxMM because I feel unfinished business with my exH.
I didn't look to thread jack (though I think I did) but to warn you that your decisions now are crucial to your future. If you ask me,I'd tell you to go NC, get in MC with your H and tell him everything. Whatever happens later, you will know that you did all you could to make things right. I thought at the time I could just bury the A and forget all about it, while resuming a happy ever after with my H. Didn't work.
I believe that had I done things right, maybe I still would have been divorced and with my exMM, but I'd feel much more at peace with it.
Good luck.

This is a very interesting perspective. Thank you so much for sharing.
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