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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 26th October 2017, 8:00 PM   #1
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Other women

Hello everyone, I am new here, I need advice on my current situation. Itís been so hard to talk to someone about it. I just need to get all this out of my chest and hopefully get good advice

I meet Steve a little over a year ago, he transferred to my job. When we first met I was going through a really bad break, a lot of things in my life just werenít working out. Steve and I became friends and after a month of the friendship we slept together. I later found out he had a gf so we didnít sleep together after that, I also started dating another guy.

8 months past and Steve and I became the best of friends, the friendship we developed has been incredible. I realized that i couldnít keep dating the guy I was dating cuz all I can think about was Steve. Plus on top of everything that was happening in my life at the moment was just too much for the guy I was dating to handle, so things ended. Steve on the other hand embraced everything that was bothering me, all my problems he was there to listen. Our connection flourished and we ended up sleeping together again. Yes he was still with his gf and I knew about it.

Fast forward to now, itís been 3 months and we have been sleeping together, our friendship is stronger than ever and we are both afraid to let each other go. We spend so much time together. We have both been really opened about how we feel about each other. He is still with his gf, they did break up for a month and got back together. Now itís getting messy. I work at his family business, I needed the extra cash. She works there too! She is such a good person and it hurts to see them together knowing how we both feel about each other. We keep saying we are going to stop sleeping with each other before are feeling get more involved, but the connection we have, just wonít keep us apart. The fact we work two jobs together and we are always around each other makes it even harder. I know heís not going to leave her and I feel so stupid.
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Old 26th October 2017, 8:15 PM   #2
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Do you really need advice? This guy will never "pick you". If his feelings were what you think is it really logical that he would go back into a relationship with his girlfriend?
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Old 26th October 2017, 10:39 PM   #3
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If he was going to pick you the perfect time for him to do it would have been when he and his gf broke up for a month. Instead he got back together with her. What does that tell you? Why do you want to be with a guy who is so comfortable with lying and cheating that it doesn't even bother him to have his gf and his mistress working together where he works?
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Old 26th October 2017, 11:16 PM   #4
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Oh, what a tangled web we weave...

I totally agree. If he wanted to be with you, he would not be back together with his girlfriend now.

There is no advice to be given, except to tell you to stop sleeping with this guy and look for another job. What else do you expect us to say?
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Old 27th October 2017, 12:55 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by anika99 View Post
If he was going to pick you the perfect time for him to do it would have been when he and his gf broke up for a month. Instead he got back together with her. What does that tell you? Why do you want to be with a guy who is so comfortable with lying and cheating that it doesn't even bother him to have his gf and his mistress working together where he works?


Not trying to defend him, but I REALLY needed to take the job where we all work at together. I was homeless last year and I got my car repo a few months back. Been struggling to provide for my son and I. So it was necessary to take this job. It works perfect with child care and my other job. I tried for months to find another job and I just wasnít lucky enough. He had even offered this job months back because he knew I needed it. But you are right about everything else, if he wanted to be with me he would. It just blows.
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Old 27th October 2017, 4:28 AM   #6
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Hi Orionsbelt,

I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in .... it is so difficult.

I don't mean to sound harsh ... I am just going to say things to try and make you see the situation for what it is ... it will be harsh ... but I want you to try and see things for what I think they really are - and start to put plans in place for YOU and for a better future for you and your child.

As others have said .... I too think if your male friend was going to be with you then he would have done something about it by now.

You say:-

"... Steve and I became friends and after a month of the friendship we slept together. I later found out he had a gf ..."

He slept with you concealing the fact he had a girlfriend? So he was lying to you as well as to her ... not good. If you two did ever get together do you think he would not do this to you as well?

"... 8 months past and Steve and I became the best of friends, the friendship we developed has been incredible..."

Having found out he had a girlfriend after you FIRST slept with him should have made you cool things off drastically and not continue

"... Our connection flourished and we ended up sleeping together again. Yes he was still with his gf and I knew about it..."

How would you like a boyfriend of yours to be sleeping with someone behind your back? - I guess you would come on to LS to start a thread about your cheating boyfriend!

"... Fast forward to now, itís been 3 months and we have been sleeping together, our friendship is stronger than ever and we are both afraid to let each other go..."

He is having his cake and eating it ... he is the only "winner" in this situation

"... He is still with his gf ..."

Sorry - but it is his girlfriend I am feeling desperately sorry for here - no-one else

"... they did break up for a month and got back together..."

And what does this tell you? Even after he had broken up with his g/f,
you as his Plan B still wasn't enough to make him want to be with you


"... Now itís getting messy. I work at his family business, I needed the extra cash. She works there too!.."

Regardless how desperate you were for extra money, ending up taking a job so you are working with him AND HIS GIRLFRIEND was a really, really bad move.

"... She is such a good person ..."

She is such a good person that you can't stop screwing her b/f .... how you can even look her in the eyes is beyond me, let alone be in her company all the time at work.

"... and it hurts to see them together knowing how we both feel about each other..."

they are together as they are supposed to be b/f and g/f ... it wouldn't hurt you if you hadn't willingly got yourself in to this ridiculous situation to start with - you have to blame yourself for the hurt you are feeling.

"... but the connection we have, just wonít keep us apart ..."

He is having his cake and eating it .... you are going along with it .... great connection

"... The fact we work two jobs together and we are always around each other makes it even harder..."

You put yourself in that position of being with him practically all the time

"... I know heís not going to leave her and I feel so stupid."

As you know this ... start making plans to change things ... spend all your energy into finding alternative employment/s ... even if it is something you don't particularly want to do in the first place ... take other jobs ... you need to distance yourself from this male friend of yours ... and start to move on ...
you are just wasting your life waiting for someone who is more than happy to sleep with two people at the same time


"... Not trying to defend him, but I REALLY needed to take the job where we all work at together. I was homeless last year and I got my car repo a few months back. Been struggling to provide for my son and I. So it was necessary to take this job. It works perfect with child care and my other job. I tried for months to find another job and I just wasnít lucky enough. He had even offered this job months back because he knew I needed it. But you are right about everything else, if he wanted to be with me he would. It just blows."

No - that was the worst thing you could have done - taken a job where all 3 of you would be together. Sorry, but that is sick.

If I found out a boyfriend of mine was having sex with someone else and then coming home and sticking his p**** inside me afterwards, that would make me physically sick.

As I say, it is his g/f I feel sorry for.

I wish you all the best in making the correct decisions for your future.
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Old 27th October 2017, 7:43 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by Orionsbelt View Post
Not trying to defend him, but I REALLY needed to take the job where we all work at together. I was homeless last year and I got my car repo a few months back. Been struggling to provide for my son and I. So it was necessary to take this job. It works perfect with child care and my other job. I tried for months to find another job and I just wasn’t lucky enough. He had even offered this job months back because he knew I needed it. But you are right about everything else, if he wanted to be with me he would. It just blows.
In other words, you were already sleeping together before he gave you the job? I still think you should be looking for another job. This situation is going to suck for you long term...
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Old 27th October 2017, 10:12 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Orionsbelt View Post
Hello everyone, I am new here, I need advice on my current situation. It’s been so hard to talk to someone about it. I just need to get all this out of my chest and hopefully get good advice

I meet Steve a little over a year ago, he transferred to my job. When we first met I was going through a really bad break, a lot of things in my life just weren’t working out. Steve and I became friends and after a month of the friendship we slept together. I later found out he had a gf so we didn’t sleep together after that, I also started dating another guy.

8 months past and Steve and I became the best of friends, the friendship we developed has been incredible. I realized that i couldn’t keep dating the guy I was dating cuz all I can think about was Steve. Plus on top of everything that was happening in my life at the moment was just too much for the guy I was dating to handle, so things ended. Steve on the other hand embraced everything that was bothering me, all my problems he was there to listen. Our connection flourished and we ended up sleeping together again. Yes he was still with his gf and I knew about it.

Fast forward to now, it’s been 3 months and we have been sleeping together, our friendship is stronger than ever and we are both afraid to let each other go. We spend so much time together. We have both been really opened about how we feel about each other. He is still with his gf, they did break up for a month and got back together. Now it’s getting messy. I work at his family business, I needed the extra cash. She works there too! She is such a good person and it hurts to see them together knowing how we both feel about each other. We keep saying we are going to stop sleeping with each other before are feeling get more involved, but the connection we have, just won’t keep us apart. The fact we work two jobs together and we are always around each other makes it even harder. I know he’s not going to leave her and I feel so stupid.
You are best friend
**** buddies
Care about each other
Afraid to loose each other
And the out of the world connection you guys have

So

He does not leave his gf so what exactly is his reason looks like you are soul mate material

Steve is no one's friend Steve is just looking out for his own interest and fooling 2 woman equally .he must really enjoy the power play to watch 2 women he fools working with each other .
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Today I am wise so I am changing myself
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Old 27th October 2017, 10:58 AM   #9
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OrionsBelt (((Big Hug))) for you. I know as well as any how easy it is to "fall" into these situations. I was a MM in an affair...and the speed and ease from which it went from respectful compliments, to flirting.........to the bedroom amazes me even now. It's like a whirlwind and before you know where you are, you are in deep, feelings are involved, you are dependent and it is VERY difficult to get out....,....and all the while someone innocent is being lied to, duped and cheated on.

Established LS members have read stories like yours...and mine...so many times on here, and they usually follow a similar apttern. All I would say is that enduring some hurt and heartbreak is already inevitable in your case I'm afraid. But the longer this goes on, the more addiected and dependent you will get, the more you will hurt, the longer you will take to recover and the more his girlfriend continues to be cheated and disrespected.

Be the bigger one here - end it now. Do it for her, and most of all, do it for you. Try to find another job. Break free. Don't allow your world to blow up over this - you are getting very close to this point.

Absolutely no judgement, here. I went much further than you have here before finding myself again (two years after the end of my affair, I am just about feeling something like normal again). Remember that you are only human and we all make mistakes...but you also have the power to stop this desctructive path, turn away and get your life back on trap before something happens that will devastate everyone. We would support you here if that happens too...but don't let it!

Thinking of you - keep posting. x
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Old 30th October 2017, 11:39 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Orionsbelt View Post
Hello everyone, I am new here, I need advice on my current situation. Itís been so hard to talk to someone about it. I just need to get all this out of my chest and hopefully get good advice

I meet Steve a little over a year ago, he transferred to my job. When we first met I was going through a really bad break, a lot of things in my life just werenít working out. Steve and I became friends and after a month of the friendship we slept together. I later found out he had a gf so we didnít sleep together after that, I also started dating another guy.

8 months past and Steve and I became the best of friends, the friendship we developed has been incredible. I realized that i couldnít keep dating the guy I was dating cuz all I can think about was Steve. Plus on top of everything that was happening in my life at the moment was just too much for the guy I was dating to handle, so things ended. Steve on the other hand embraced everything that was bothering me, all my problems he was there to listen. Our connection flourished and we ended up sleeping together again. Yes he was still with his gf and I knew about it.

Fast forward to now, itís been 3 months and we have been sleeping together, our friendship is stronger than ever and we are both afraid to let each other go. We spend so much time together. We have both been really opened about how we feel about each other. He is still with his gf, they did break up for a month and got back together. Now itís getting messy. I work at his family business, I needed the extra cash. She works there too! She is such a good person and it hurts to see them together knowing how we both feel about each other. We keep saying we are going to stop sleeping with each other before are feeling get more involved, but the connection we have, just wonít keep us apart. The fact we work two jobs together and we are always around each other makes it even harder. I know heís not going to leave her and I feel so stupid.
Step #1 Now that you've gotten yourself back into employment, use that spot as a job reference to get yourself a different job. When workplace romances end, sadly it is often the woman who gets left out in the cold, losing not only her romance partner, but also her financial support.

Step #2 Safeguard yourself financially by trying to get a new job & have independence again. It will help to increase your own sense of self worth.

Step #3 Once you've secured a new job, that will act as an enabler for you emotionally to help you logically think about future directions, personally & financially for yourself. Make a goal list. If you still want this guy - then set some goals for him too, that are good for you.
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Old 1st November 2017, 2:00 PM   #11
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Oh my, you are going to have your heart broken and lose your job. You really should end things with him.
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Old 6th November 2017, 1:12 PM   #12
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Oh my, you are going to have your heart broken and lose your job. You really should end things with him.
Things ended with him a couple weeks back, we decided to stay friends just because we work together. But she found out this weekend and now I lost my friend and my second job.
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Old 6th November 2017, 3:03 PM   #13
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Thatís unfortunate but it ended exactly how it only could & should. Donít beat yourself up about it. He did initially conceal it from you but you choosing to go back to it was the turning point.

We all make mistakes. All you can do is take it as a lesson learned and really learn from it. Ask yourself: Why did I go back to him knowing that he had a girlfriend?? Analyze the situation but not for too long. Let this situation make you a better and smarter woman. You should be thankful that you got out of this messy situation as early as you did. It gets messier for some. I hope that you find a new job soon and I hope that you really and truly learn from this invaluable lesson.
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Old 6th November 2017, 3:38 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by 1966Seahorse View Post
Hi Orionsbelt,

I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in .... it is so difficult.

I don't mean to sound harsh ... I am just going to say things to try and make you see the situation for what it is ... it will be harsh ... but I want you to try and see things for what I think they really are - and start to put plans in place for YOU and for a better future for you and your child.

As others have said .... I too think if your male friend was going to be with you then he would have done something about it by now.

You say:-

"... Steve and I became friends and after a month of the friendship we slept together. I later found out he had a gf ..."

He slept with you concealing the fact he had a girlfriend? So he was lying to you as well as to her ... not good. If you two did ever get together do you think he would not do this to you as well?

"... 8 months past and Steve and I became the best of friends, the friendship we developed has been incredible..."

Having found out he had a girlfriend after you FIRST slept with him should have made you cool things off drastically and not continue

"... Our connection flourished and we ended up sleeping together again. Yes he was still with his gf and I knew about it..."

How would you like a boyfriend of yours to be sleeping with someone behind your back? - I guess you would come on to LS to start a thread about your cheating boyfriend!

"... Fast forward to now, itís been 3 months and we have been sleeping together, our friendship is stronger than ever and we are both afraid to let each other go..."

He is having his cake and eating it ... he is the only "winner" in this situation

"... He is still with his gf ..."

Sorry - but it is his girlfriend I am feeling desperately sorry for here - no-one else

"... they did break up for a month and got back together..."

And what does this tell you? Even after he had broken up with his g/f,
you as his Plan B still wasn't enough to make him want to be with you


"... Now itís getting messy. I work at his family business, I needed the extra cash. She works there too!.."

Regardless how desperate you were for extra money, ending up taking a job so you are working with him AND HIS GIRLFRIEND was a really, really bad move.

"... She is such a good person ..."

She is such a good person that you can't stop screwing her b/f .... how you can even look her in the eyes is beyond me, let alone be in her company all the time at work.

"... and it hurts to see them together knowing how we both feel about each other..."

they are together as they are supposed to be b/f and g/f ... it wouldn't hurt you if you hadn't willingly got yourself in to this ridiculous situation to start with - you have to blame yourself for the hurt you are feeling.

"... but the connection we have, just wonít keep us apart ..."

He is having his cake and eating it .... you are going along with it .... great connection

"... The fact we work two jobs together and we are always around each other makes it even harder..."

You put yourself in that position of being with him practically all the time

"... I know heís not going to leave her and I feel so stupid."

As you know this ... start making plans to change things ... spend all your energy into finding alternative employment/s ... even if it is something you don't particularly want to do in the first place ... take other jobs ... you need to distance yourself from this male friend of yours ... and start to move on ...
you are just wasting your life waiting for someone who is more than happy to sleep with two people at the same time


"... Not trying to defend him, but I REALLY needed to take the job where we all work at together. I was homeless last year and I got my car repo a few months back. Been struggling to provide for my son and I. So it was necessary to take this job. It works perfect with child care and my other job. I tried for months to find another job and I just wasnít lucky enough. He had even offered this job months back because he knew I needed it. But you are right about everything else, if he wanted to be with me he would. It just blows."

No - that was the worst thing you could have done - taken a job where all 3 of you would be together. Sorry, but that is sick.

If I found out a boyfriend of mine was having sex with someone else and then coming home and sticking his p**** inside me afterwards, that would make me physically sick.

As I say, it is his g/f I feel sorry for.

I wish you all the best in making the correct decisions for your future.

Bravo, seahorse! This advice is perfection and now mine is not needed.

This online community is my favorite, because it is filled with intelligent people who are willing to offer a helping hand.

I loved reading your post and look forward to more in the future.
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Old 11th November 2017, 5:54 PM   #15
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He's just another player but you need to learn it for yourself. people can say get rid of him but its never easy if your falling in love with him.
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