LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > The Other Man / Woman

I called him....now in worse pain


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

Like Tree59Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 26th October 2017, 5:53 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: North of the 49th
Posts: 138
I called him....now in worse pain

I know, I know. How much I've read here on how that's the worst thing to do...and I did it. Was at work, couldn't post my torment on LS, so I called him instead. Went to v/m and doubt he'll call me back.

I just want this pain to go away and it's not. Tried working out more, new hobbies, reading, self reflection, contacting old friends, EVERYTHING, and nothing is making this better.

How much longer will this last. I can't take it anymore.
Adoraxx likes this.
What_Did_I_Do is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th October 2017, 6:03 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 136
WDID -- Am I right that you've been NC since around July and it was a 7 year A? I'm NC since June and it was 4 years. It's weird that I've been feeling the pull. I don't know if it is the time of year or the amount of time since last contact, but really missing her. And while I felt like it got much better than the initial discomfort, it seems I'm in a trough. No matter -- I feel like I just need to keep going .... as do you. Don't beat yourself up about it. I know how hard and frustrating it is. I'm really glad you are posting here. You've got some good people in your corner here. You just have to keep trudging, okay? With the rest of us. I'm sorry you're going through this, but hang in there. You'll learn from all of it, including the call today. It's okay and you're okay.
rumblefish12 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th October 2017, 7:09 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 662
Quote:
Originally Posted by What_Did_I_Do View Post
I know, I know. How much I've read here on how that's the worst thing to do...and I did it. Was at work, couldn't post my torment on LS, so I called him instead. Went to v/m and doubt he'll call me back.

I just want this pain to go away and it's not. Tried working out more, new hobbies, reading, self reflection, contacting old friends, EVERYTHING, and nothing is making this better.

How much longer will this last. I can't take it anymore.
You know, just when you think you're at this frustrated point where you can't take it any more, something just happens... and you start to notice that you have all these moments you don't think of him 24/7. And you learn you really can get through this. The dark moments will come back, but you'll notice they aren't as intense. I honestly never thought I would get to the place I'm at now and it's been a long road to get here. It happens. I promise. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself that time to grieve. I also realized that as soon as I quit fighting the pain so much and just embraced it and let myself feel it, that I started feeling better. I had been fighting it for so long and it just kept coming around and kicking my butt again. Have that person you can call instead of him on your weak moments. Or go take a walk. Read the Power of Now. Listen to Noah Elkrief (sp) on youtube. All of these things help. But the biggie is let yourself feel it. Tell yourself it is okay to sit in it for awhile.

Yeah, you had a little setback and now you know not to do that again. Huge hugs. You can do this.
deadsoul is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th October 2017, 8:11 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 3,035
Generalizing a bit but i will guess that the worst of it will take 6 months. And then until you find someone else to love might still flare up now and then.
BluEyeL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th October 2017, 8:36 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,808
7 years is a long time. I had many steps backwards, so don't beat yourself up. It took me about 18 months to stop thinking obsessively and mine was only a 5 month A. Do you have to see him? I had to see him. With complete NC it takes about 6 months to a year to start to feel better.

Are you married or single?
MidnightBlue1980 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th October 2017, 10:20 AM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Out West
Posts: 1,278
(((WDID)))

I'm so sorry to read how low you are feeling WDID.

I concur strongly with the other posters. It's all about time (and what you do with the time), patience and resolve and determination.

I was an MM in an affair. At two years out I am just about starting to feel like my old self again (although a new version - you are never 100% the same after an A). These things take time. Don't give up hope - you will get there. Trust your biology - your brain will re-wire itself, but it is a very complex organ and it takes a lot of time. Your hormone balance will also re-normalise. Like rumblefish, I went through periods of missing my xOW terribly, even though I was glad to be out of the affair and knew it was the right thing to recommit to my marriage. I could still miss her now if I chose to, but the desperate longing, the pain, the addiction - that's long gone.

I believe that BluEyeL is about right. When coming out of a long term affair, it will probably take six months until you notice even a slight improvement. Midnight obsessed over her other guy for 18 months...but look at her now. She wouldn't touch him now if he was the last guy on earth (right Midnight?). And, as ever, deadsoul is VERY wise. These things go in cycles. You can feel terrible for weeks, then wake up one day, feel better...for several days, think you are over the worst of it...and than wake up under a black cloud again. It goes in cycles, but gradually, very gradually, the cycles themselves move in a more positive direction. Where the early cycles may be two devastating weeks followed by a bearable day, a year later the cycles may have evolved to two good weeks followed by one bad week. Just stay the course...you will get there.

Know that you are not alone. Millions have gone through what you are going through....and nearly all of them came out the other side. LS members, whether BS, WS, other person or whatever, we understand your pain.

A lapse in NC, calling him in a moment of weakness...this is very common. It hurt you (breaking NC - whatever the outcome - very rarely leads to anything other than further pain...it happened in my A too) and I'm sure this will deter you from doing it again. Get back on your horse and brush yourself down - you will be OK!

Take care and keep posting. Deep breath - you can do this girl. Get through the pain barrier and reclaim your life back. Imagine how much more you will appreciate life once you get all this behind you.

Last edited by jenkins95; 27th October 2017 at 11:12 AM..
jenkins95 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th October 2017, 12:16 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 662
Op how are you today?

Jenkins!!! How I love to read your posts. You lift me up dude. Seriously. Please donít take long hiatuses again. And MB? Everything you write helps me too. I guess one day I will get to that point where I donít need the board so much anymore.
deadsoul is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th October 2017, 3:47 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by deadsoul View Post
Op how are you today?

Jenkins!!! How I love to read your posts. You lift me up dude. Seriously. Please don’t take long hiatuses again. And MB? Everything you write helps me too. I guess one day I will get to that point where I don’t need the board so much anymore.
And when you do get to that point, PLEASE make sure you keep checking in once in awhile. Your insight is needed around here and so appreciated!! (As are the ones that are further along in their healing... Jenkins, mb, etc. So thankful that you all continue to contribute to those of us that are making our way out of the messes that we have made)
deadsoul likes this.
BigBlueSky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th October 2017, 11:41 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 105
Hugs to you:
(((What_Did_I_Do)))

It happens to the best of us, you know. Just this week was the first time in a while that I even considered dialing his number.

Ultimately, I didn't call. I just thought about it. I focused on the phone number and just saw it in my mind's eye... I even remembered when he jotted it down and handed it to me. I can see this action happening; it is a memory. And then I thought to myself, What has changed?

I could feel my resolve slipping a bit, so I wrote to him in my journal. And the next day, I wrote about my feelings... twice... so that was three days this week. But I have been patient with myself. And I am showing myself some much needed compassion. And that is all I can do. These things take time. We all have setbacks.

You have some excellent advice and support here and that makes me so happy for you, because I genuinely feel that you are going to be OK. It might hurt, you might feel terrible, but you're going to make it! We're all rooting for you.

But I really, really, really loved this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by deadsoul View Post
But the biggie is let yourself feel it. Tell yourself it is okay to sit in it for awhile.

Yeah, you had a little setback and now you know not to do that again.
Some time ago, I visualized myself being flushed down the toilet and then floating face-down in the sewer. That is how bad I felt. A dear friend asked me what I was going to do, and I told her, "I think I am just gonna be here for a while."

I felt terrible. But the feeling passed.

Hugs to you WDID.
Vivir is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th October 2017, 11:51 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: sydney Australia
Posts: 1,286
All the best WDID. My A was 9 years long.

When I get the urge just to lay eyes on him again, I come on the board and read and read. It reminds me that he did not have my best interests at heart and was a danger to my future happiness.

One slip up is not the end of the world. You have lived to tell the tale.

Poppy.
Poppy47 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2017, 10:30 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: North of the 49th
Posts: 138
It was a difficult week. HUGE work issue that prompted an out of town meeting yesterday. All the pressure was on me. I buckled. Felt I had nowhere to go and he used to be my support system. Hence the call.

Well, surprisingly he called me back. He was cold, hard and pointedly asked the question: what did you call me for. I didn't have an answer. Felt scolded (again) by the meanie school teacher. I hate him. Loooong way to go to indifference but better than the helpless 'in love' feelings from before.

MB, I'm D and have no RL or significant other to redirect my focus. Kids are older and independent.

Just didn't expect the severity of that pull to reach out to him. Nothing good came from that call except more shame and embarrassment. 7 years is a long time and it will be a while before I see some light.
What_Did_I_Do is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2017, 10:41 AM   #12
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 13,597
Quote:
Originally Posted by What_Did_I_Do View Post
7 years is a long time and it will be a while before I see some light.
Yes 7 years is a long time but you need to get past the mindset of " it will be a while before I see some light"
If you decide to let it take a long time, it probably will.

You now know he is not pining for you, or regretting his decision so use that to move forward.
Do not let him dictate the further course of your life.
He, with your help, already wasted a big chunk of it.
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2017, 11:17 AM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: North of the 49th
Posts: 138
Quote:
Originally Posted by Poppy47 View Post
All the best WDID. My A was 9 years long.

When I get the urge just to lay eyes on him again, I come on the board and read and read. It reminds me that he did not have my best interests at heart and was a danger to my future happiness.

One slip up is not the end of the world. You have lived to tell the tale.

Poppy.
Poppy, do you now feel some peace post long term A? I'm not chasing the elusive "happiness" rainbow, just want peace.

I wouldn't have called him if I had the opportunity to cry but couldn't go into that meeting with red and swollen eyes. Held that emotion in and then channeled it in a bad direction. NOTHING good comes from affairs. If we could only turn back time.
What_Did_I_Do is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2017, 11:33 AM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 203
Quote:
Originally Posted by MidnightBlue1980 View Post
7 years is a long time. I had many steps backwards, so don't beat yourself up. It took me about 18 months to stop thinking obsessively and mine was only a 5 month A. Do you have to see him? I had to see him. With complete NC it takes about 6 months to a year to start to feel better.

Are you married or single?
From my own experience different people take different lengths of time to heal.
There is no right or wrong way to move on as long as your taking a small step everyday to move on with NC.

As this poster mentioned, sometimes even short relationships may take a long time to get over because of the feelings that are involved and that is okay. Your relationship was 7 years! Just time wise it can be difficult. Just keep moving forward and you will get there.

You're strong. I know you can do this!
HiCrunchy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2017, 1:10 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 662
Quote:
Originally Posted by What_Did_I_Do View Post
It was a difficult week. HUGE work issue that prompted an out of town meeting yesterday. All the pressure was on me. I buckled. Felt I had nowhere to go and he used to be my support system. Hence the call.

Well, surprisingly he called me back. He was cold, hard and pointedly asked the question: what did you call me for. I didn't have an answer. Felt scolded (again) by the meanie school teacher. I hate him. Loooong way to go to indifference but better than the helpless 'in love' feelings from before.

MB, I'm D and have no RL or significant other to redirect my focus. Kids are older and independent.

Just didn't expect the severity of that pull to reach out to him. Nothing good came from that call except more shame and embarrassment. 7 years is a long time and it will be a while before I see some light.
Use his coldness to move yourself forward. This part is the hardest because your ego is taking a beating over how someone could be so cold after 7 years. You might feel like you don't matter. It is a horrible feeling.

One day, you realize you put your self-worth into someone else's hands, when they should've been in yours all along. And you realize their actions are a reflection of who they are, just as yours are a reflection of you. When you start focusing on you, you start to get that self-worth back. You get stronger.

You have setbacks. I still do. I still will.

I have my dignity now. I have self-worth now.

It may be awhile before you see the light, it may now. Have the mindset that you will just get through today. You won't think about yesterday or tomorrow, but just today. It helps. I promise. Do good things for others. Do good things for you...

Believe it or not, something that helps me is to write on this message board. I don't know if my posts are helpful or just full of ****. If I can just reach someone and show them I empathize and that it's okay and I survived this and so will they, it heals something inside of me. I know the pain. I know everyone's is different.

Affairs are ugly addictions. As a wayward, I'm judged way more than a drug addict or alcoholic would be. And that's fine. It's part of my growth. It will be yours as well.
deadsoul is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Which is worse? Physical pain or emotional pain? Darren2013 Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being 27 30th November 2014 9:46 PM
A pain worse than death cantkeepcalm Breaks and Breaking Up 7 28th March 2014 9:04 PM
Parents a pain... moving on is worse >.< OffTheEdge Breaks and Breaking Up 0 23rd May 2012 11:18 PM
She called now I feel worse stanchain Coping 1 4th December 2006 7:39 AM
Pain Is Getting Worse! blondebarbie Separation and Divorce 3 6th April 2004 9:50 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 7:18 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.