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From Boy Friend To The Other Man


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 15th October 2017, 5:29 AM   #1
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From Boy Friend To The Other Man

I have posted here before and received a lot of insight from others and I hope some can shed some light on my current situation. In my past post I talked about my mutual split from my ex girlfriend, how quick she became involved with someone else, how upset I feel etc... It has been only a month now since this started and I am working physically and mentally to better myself, but its hard. In this short amount of time she has moved on to another relationship that she said is different, they connect on a different level and that she loves him. My question is this, then why are we still spending time together and she still sleeping with me? She has told me that (her and I) connect on a physical level that is very intense, our passion over the las month has been one for the record books and that she still loves me. I still love her too and this is a problem for me. I still am not emotional over the split and her being with someone else so soon is tearing me up. I still need time to heal. In my mind I am still romanticizing our past relationship thinking one day it will great again. My heart and mind are in a epic battle here. My mind tells me this is so wrong on so many different levels, but get what you can and move on. My heart is still in love and tells me it is broken.

She said she still loves me for many reasons including our long history and also loves him. Is she that mentally detached from me to move on so quick?

One of 2 things need to happen here. 1. I win her back, she can't be 100% into her new relationship if she is still with me and commit to her or 2. Stop romanticizing about something that isn't there, get away from her. If she is doing this now it can happen again, why would I want that back in my life. It is emotional damaging to me etc...

Any help or opinions will be greatly appreciated. Thank You!
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Old 16th October 2017, 8:43 AM   #2
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hotwheels, I vote #2.

This is going to be a "Do as I say, not as I do" kind of response, because, unfortunately, I have done the exact opposite of what I am advising you to do.

She made her choice when she broke up with you. She then jumped into another relationship with another guy... which she is still in, "loving" you on the level to such a degree that she has made you the Other Man.

It feels so good right now.

It is intense and passionate, a lot of that intensity and passion falls under The Break-Up Sex Rule and the rest falls under The Affair Rule, where intimacy is heightened because there is, respectively, conflict and secrecy.

You know this. You typed it out in your post.

You know the pain comes later. Or now, since you are posting your concerns here. You already know what to do. You just have to do it.
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Old 16th October 2017, 11:45 AM   #3
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The less interested you act toward her, the more she will wonder what you're up to. If you truly want to win her back (not that she deserves you, because she doesn't) you need to be busy when she calls you. Blow her off, cancel plans, etc. She isn't going to want a sure thing, clearly.

I know this sounds harsh and cold...
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Old 16th October 2017, 2:27 PM   #4
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Bro, you're not winning any war here. Think about it either the other geezer thinks he's exclusive with your ex so she's already cheating or she's told him you guys have just broken up either way who's winning here? She is, two dudes, she's sleeping with both of you (STD's)

You want to win her back? Why? Girl has dumped you, has moved onto another relationship (ultimately that's her long term goal) has told you she loves him and you've accepted this? She doesn't respect you and the more you cling on and "fight" for her the more you're setting yourself back. You should be moving on, kicked her to the curb. The sex is intense because she's cheating on the other guy now, just like she cheated on you and guess what, the sex is intense with the other guy as well.
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Old 16th October 2017, 2:42 PM   #5
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Usually, in these situations the "new" relationship isn't new, you know? I find it hard to believe she could be committed to you, break up and fall in love with someone else in that short amount of time.

The answer is simple, STOP. JUST STOP. Stop having sex, stop hanging out, stop talking to her. Don't allow her into your life.
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Old 16th October 2017, 3:42 PM   #6
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Look up "hysterical bonding". She's getting the extra kick of hysterical bonding sex with you after being with him and with him after being with you. She's having her cake and eating it, too. She will continue to do so until one or both of you decide to cut her off and walk away. If you're smart, it'll be you that walks.
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Old 16th October 2017, 3:49 PM   #7
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Thank you all for your thoughts. We were together for over a decade. With any relationship we had our ups and downs. I have paid, made, did so much for her over the years it isn't even funny. I gave her all of me for a life partner, but it wasn't enough, she wanted the certificate saying we were married. I let myself become week and a door mat for her. We have been in a odd stage in our relationship for the last 2 years. She has said many times that I don't love her bc I wouldn't buy her a ring and that she was so over me bla,bla,bla, but she would never leave me. When you love someone as I did her, my actions spoke volumes. I know for a fact that she just met him the beginning of last month, she gave dead giveaway hints. At that time I asked her if she met someone and she said, "yes, got tired of waiting around for you." She still likes me in her life as a friend, but that isn't working for me. It is just a shock to me that she had to be so mentally detached from me for so long to move on so fast. She loves him? Wow, this guy must have some super powers, but if he did why would she still be"loving" me. Something that sucks is that back in the early summer, I bought her 2 tickets to see her favorite performer. The show is coming up soon and most likely she will take the new guy. I just paid big money for there date lol. I am doing much better than before and in time i will meet a more quality woman when I am ready. Thanks again all
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Old 16th October 2017, 4:03 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by hotwheels View Post
Thank you all for your thoughts. We were together for over a decade. With any relationship we had our ups and downs. I have paid, made, did so much for her over the years it isn't even funny. I gave her all of me for a life partner, but it wasn't enough, she wanted the certificate saying we were married. I let myself become week and a door mat for her. We have been in a odd stage in our relationship for the last 2 years. She has said many times that I don't love her bc I wouldn't buy her a ring and that she was so over me bla,bla,bla, but she would never leave me. When you love someone as I did her, my actions spoke volumes. I know for a fact that she just met him the beginning of last month, she gave dead giveaway hints. At that time I asked her if she met someone and she said, "yes, got tired of waiting around for you." She still likes me in her life as a friend, but that isn't working for me. It is just a shock to me that she had to be so mentally detached from me for so long to move on so fast. She loves him? Wow, this guy must have some super powers, but if he did why would she still be"loving" me. Something that sucks is that back in the early summer, I bought her 2 tickets to see her favorite performer. The show is coming up soon and most likely she will take the new guy. I just paid big money for there date lol. I am doing much better than before and in time i will meet a more quality woman when I am ready. Thanks again all
Being in denial doesn't help, "I know for a fact it's a new relationship" no actually you don't.

But really it's irrelevant, just move on with life without her.

Good luck
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Old 16th October 2017, 4:30 PM   #9
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Viva: #2 is my path.

Grass: Im not going back. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Im not insane just a little hurt.

Darren: She has disrespected me for years, I will not the back up plan.

DKT3: I told her good luck with her new relationship and hope she is happy. I am much better off
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Old 16th October 2017, 4:31 PM   #10
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I gave her all of me for a life partner, but it wasn't enough, she wanted the certificate saying we were married.
She wants marriage, you won't give that to her. For your own piece of mind you should just end things.
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Old 16th October 2017, 5:36 PM   #11
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10 years is a long time to 'just be a girlfriend'. Either you aren't the marrying kind or you didn't want to marry her.

A decade is more than enough time to decide if a woman is right for you.

You had the power before by not proposing .... She has the power now and having realised you won't marry her ..she's relegated you to her secret lover.

You need to walk away from it. Stop giving her that power.
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Old 16th October 2017, 6:14 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post
10 years is a long time to 'just be a girlfriend'. Either you aren't the marrying kind or you didn't want to marry her.

A decade is more than enough time to decide if a woman is right for you.

You had the power before by not proposing .... She has the power now and having realised you won't marry her ..she's relegated you to her secret lover.

You need to walk away from it. Stop giving her that power.
All depends on when the relationship started. I started with my wife when we were 16 &17 so after ten years I wouldn't have said it was too long. However we got married young .

OP, I truly hope you mean it, because she is far from done with you, she will keep wanting to have you around. My guess is if you go a while without talking to her she will try harder, maybe even leave the other guy and come back..just jump off the train and leave the station.
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Old 17th October 2017, 2:23 AM   #13
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Yes, 10 years is a long time, but there were red flags along the way (she is selfish and complains where I am not). She was in her mid 20's when we started dating. Deep, deep down my gut was telling me something was wrong. I talked about it with her, and I thought things would change, but things never did and never will. DKT3, I won't go back. I am not a back up plan, anyway I don't see her leaving him, she said they are connecting on a level that we didn't. Over the last couple of months I have been working on bettering my self by loosing weight, etc... She noticed the change and even commented on it. I have my good days and bad days, and today is bad. Thinking of her with her new man makes me sick to my stomach! She did text me late today about how bad her day was. My response was brief and positive "tomorrow is a new day" she sent something back to me but I never responded. It just hurts, wonder if my pain will go away, wonder if this is how things are going to be, wonder if there is something better out there or this is the best I can do and confidence is low.
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Old 17th October 2017, 6:32 PM   #14
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The problem is you didn't end it when you saw the red flags. She could feel like you were stringing her along with the hope of marriage...which never materialised.

Both of you should have realised it wasn't heading anywhere much sooner. 10 years is a very long time.

She's now mid 30s .... most women want to settle down, get married and start a family.

It's hard to know if she became selfish and her attitude changed when marriage wasn't forthcoming.... Or if she was selfish naturally.

Just a different perspective really... but bear in mind that she will need time to develop a new relationship to the point of marriage... she realises she had no future with you and her new relationship is hopeful....
biology doesn't favour women who want to mothers...and not many want to be an old bride...... especially first time round.

With that in mind ... she should leave you alone.
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Old 17th October 2017, 9:31 PM   #15
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return the tickets.

do not pay for her to go with the new dude with your tickets.

have some respect for yourself.

NC and 180.

get tested for stds and move on.
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