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What would you have done?


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I met a woman via OLD, we swapped numbers and texted back and forth for two straight days. She lives an hour and half away and we made plans to meet up for dinner. But, I do some pretty through research before I go out with a woman because I picked up a stalker a few years ago. It didn't take me long to pull up her Facebook page as we have a friend in common. I was able to see her whole page and it turns out she is married. Her background picture is actually of her and her husband from just three weeks ago.Her page is also full of pictures of the two of them together. Initially, I was going to just block her number and move on but I decided to confront her on it via text. I did so because I wanted to have some evidence in case the husband found out haphazardly and contacted me.

 

I was straight forward and told her that I knew she was married and that I didn't want her to contact me any more. She told me that she had been split from her husband for two months and that she was sorry for not being open about it. I called her out on that as well. I told her that I had viewed her Facebook page and saw that she had been posting pictures of her and her husband within the last few weeks. She became irate and started in on a nasty diatribe about me "violating her privacy". I just ignored it, took SS of all of our conversations (again, in case her husband found out and contacted me) and blocked her number.

 

I told a co-worker of mine about it as he uses OLD as well and we end up talking to some of the same women because we live in a sparsely populated corner of the States. He said he had sent her a message but never got a reply and was glad he dodged that bullet. But, he then told me that I needed to contact the husband and inform him of his wife's behavior. I informed him there was no way I was going to do so but that I had the evidence in case the husband found out and tried to pin anything on me. He was very insistent that I pursue it further but I put my foot down and told him that refused to involve myself in it any further. I turned into a bit of an argument but he finally understood where I was coming from and dropped it.

 

I'm not going to throw myself into this circus anymore than I already have but I am curious to see how other people would handle it. The thought of contacting the husband had never even crossed my mind but it was the first thing my co-worker thought about..

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Hi OatsAndHall,

 

I am totally with you on this one ... I would have done exactly the same ... I would keep all the evidence and if the husband did get in contact then the evidence is certainly your "get out clause" as it were.

 

I would be inclined to just try and forget this unfortunate incident and move on.

 

Thank goodness you carried out your research first ... I can't imagine the potential hassle that nipped in the bud!

 

:)

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I don’t know if the app allows this (I’ve never used OLD) but if there is some way to post feedback that alerts others, I’d do that - the same way that you would post a review on eBay or Trip Advisor to warn others off if you have a bad experience. If she’s portraying herself as single, it’s false advertising.

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I don’t know if the app allows this (I’ve never used OLD) but if there is some way to post feedback that alerts others, I’d do that - the same way that you would post a review on eBay or Trip Advisor to warn others off if you have a bad experience. If she’s portraying herself as single, it’s false advertising.

 

I just checked and yes, the site allows you to "report" the user and I just did so. Hopefully they will follow through and allow me to send the screen shots to verify my story.

 

I do have two other male friends in the area who use the same site and I sent texts to them warning them to stay away from this woman.

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somanymistakes

It sucks for him if his wife is fooling around behind his back, but I don't think it's getting to the level of endangerment where you are morally obligated to report it and involve yourself in the drama of strangers.

 

If you knew a convenient way to anonymously send him a link to his wife's online dating profile and then duck out of it, that might be helpful.

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Don’t get ahead of yourself, and stay out of it completely. No postings, no warnings, no emails to the husband. You don’t know what’s going on in their marriage. Maybe he left, and she wants to make it work, hence the enthusiastic Facebook posts… And maybe she is afraid that he is gone for good, hence looking for a replacement, or some Distraction. That’s all legit. I don’t see anything that would point to a red flag here at the moment.

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Don’t get ahead of yourself, and stay out of it completely. No postings, no warnings, no emails to the husband. You don’t know what’s going on in their marriage. Maybe he left, and she wants to make it work, hence the enthusiastic Facebook posts… And maybe she is afraid that he is gone for good, hence looking for a replacement, or some Distraction. That’s all legit. I don’t see anything that would point to a red flag here at the moment.

 

Uh... No, dragging someone else into your marriage problems or looking for them to be a "replacement" or a "distraction" isn't "legit". It is not only a waste of my time but also a seriously disrespectful towards me and her husband.

 

Her profile doesn't say "separated"; it says "divorced". So, even if her story is true (which I seriously doubt it is) I never would have sent her a message if she were honest. I don't date women who are separated.

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She just keeps digging a deeper hole for herself. One of the friends that I warned about her got back to me about an hour ago. He's been talking to her too and actually made plans for her to come up and visit him this weekend... These plans were made AFTER I confronted her about being married. He just did some digging himself and found her Facebook page.

 

Thankfully, he's a laid-back guy and he said he was going to tell her to go away and not contact the husband..

 

It's pretty unbelievable; he literally lives three miles away from me.

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As for the original question... I would have done the same. I would confront the person, as opposed to ghosting.

 

*** By the way, the person becoming irate would set alarm bells ringing immediately to signify that I had made the right choice! A Facebook page should be considered public even if it is set to private; we can never know who has access to our information these days!***

 

I would save the evidence in case the spouse came calling, as opposed to seeking out the spouse. If I could report the false advertising to the website, I would definitely do that. No doubt.

 

Also...

Uh... No, dragging someone else into your marriage problems or looking for them to be a "replacement" or a "distraction" isn't "legit". It is not only a waste of my time but also a seriously disrespectful towards me and her husband.

 

Her profile doesn't say "separated"; it says "divorced". So, even if her story is true (which I seriously doubt it is) I never would have sent her a message if she were honest. I don't date women who are separated.

 

I agree with this sentiment, but I would add the word "irresponsible" to characterize her false advertising. So many people think they are not harming others if they aren't physically attacking them. Wasting his time by presenting herself as divorced when she isn't can lead to much more detrimental emotional harm, in my opinion. Whatever her motivations, she should take care not to do emotional harm to the unwitting single men out there looking to grow a relationship from online dating. If she were upfront about her marital status, that would give others the opportunity to make an informed decision about whether to get in touch with her at all.

 

Of course, not everyone agrees with this line of thinking. A lot of people feel that we should only look out for ourselves. As if to communicate through actions that if their agendas cause harm, the offended party should've been looking out for themselves or at least more guarded and not allowed the offenders to harm them...

 

I think Minnie09 was conveying the idea that this lady might've just been testing the waters to see what was out there... maybe she wasn't looking for anything serious, just "friendship" - but then... we have to remember that this OM/OW forum is filled with people (like me) who were "looking for friendship", had hidden agendas, thought they could meet up once or twice, it's innocent (until it isn't), etc.

 

My point is Where do we nip it in the bud?

And I think OatsandHall is saying that we don't even let it start AT ALL, which is hard to do when we have people like this married woman on a dating site advertising to people that she is divorced. What she put on this DATING site should never have been there, because her marital status means she is not available to date. Hence, false advertising. I think it is a shame he and others have to hire private investigators (= research, me being sarcastic) to determine if people are lying about the most basic of stuff! Now I am upset :mad:

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CautiouslyOptimistic

This happened to me before, and there's no way I'd get involved. You did the right thing.

 

In my case, as soon as I called the guy/cheater on it, he insisted someone had used his identity without his permission and created that online dating account lol. He was in a high position of authority in the community so I'm sure he was sweating bullets for a while!

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I’d cut my losses and let it go. Fakebook is a weird place where you believe half of what you hear and even less of what you see. Granted I’ve been out of the dating game for awhile, but I’d have been creeped out somebody had researched me thoroughly before essentially a blind date, but maybe that’s the thing now. It would have put me off giving any explanation, even if it was logical, because I’d think you were a weirdo.

 

Maybe she’s trying to cheat, maybe she’s separated and has her for awhile, but they’re hiding it for whatever reason. Either way, your not knowing should only eclipsed by your not caring. Not your pigeon. Not your statue, so no need to care about the crap.

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I don't find this particularly shocking, though it does tend to happen more with men from what I've seen.

 

I'm not sure what "evidence" you need as you did nothing wrong. Unless you plan to give the husband to help him out in a divorce if he contacts you I don't see the point.

 

I understand how you have become more careful after a stalker. For me, it's too much effort. I've spent the night at a woman's place and invited them over to mine on second dates. Something happens I'll deal with it then.

 

I'm very skeptical of all women and they have to earn my trust as it is not given out easy. Chances are I will lose interest before anything earth shattering arises.

 

I'm not knocking your caution, just saying it sounds like a lot of work.

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Don’t get ahead of yourself, and stay out of it completely. No postings, no warnings, no emails to the husband. You don’t know what’s going on in their marriage. Maybe he left, and she wants to make it work, hence the enthusiastic Facebook posts… And maybe she is afraid that he is gone for good, hence looking for a replacement, or some Distraction. That’s all legit. I don’t see anything that would point to a red flag here at the moment.

 

I agree. Leave it be. Cut all contact and let her loose.

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I’d cut my losses and let it go. Fakebook is a weird place where you believe half of what you hear and even less of what you see. Granted I’ve been out of the dating game for awhile, but I’d have been creeped out somebody had researched me thoroughly before essentially a blind date, but maybe that’s the thing now. It would have put me off giving any explanation, even if it was logical, because I’d think you were a weirdo.

 

Maybe she’s trying to cheat, maybe she’s separated and has her for awhile, but they’re hiding it for whatever reason. Either way, your not knowing should only eclipsed by your not caring. Not your pigeon. Not your statue, so no need to care about the crap.

 

I research the women I date now because I picked up a stalker a few years ago, via OLD. Had I Googled her name before we went out, I would have known that she was up on charges for stalking her ex husband and his new girlfriend.

 

I basically do my homework on any woman that I date now, even if I meet them in RL. I was shooting pool alone one afternoon at a local watering hole and ran into a woman I knew from my billiards league. We played a few games together, flirted, swapped numbers and started texting back and forth. We made plans to meet up for dinner until one of my teammates from the league texted me and told me to stay away from her because she was married with two kids. I looked up her Facebook page and, although it was set for private, I could still see pics of her with her husband and her kids. I just stopped texting her, period. I blocked her number her number and stayed away from her.

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I don't find this particularly shocking, though it does tend to happen more with men from what I've seen.

 

I'm not sure what "evidence" you need as you did nothing wrong. Unless you plan to give the husband to help him out in a divorce if he contacts you I don't see the point.

 

I understand how you have become more careful after a stalker. For me, it's too much effort. I've spent the night at a woman's place and invited them over to mine on second dates. Something happens I'll deal with it then.

 

I'm very skeptical of all women and they have to earn my trust as it is not given out easy. Chances are I will lose interest before anything earth shattering arises.

 

I'm not knocking your caution, just saying it sounds like a lot of work.

 

Yeah, it is a lot of work but my stalker was dangerous.. She tried to break into my house.

 

I don't think I did anything wrong but an angry, jealous husband is an unpredictable person. My best case scenario is that this just goes away (which I think it will) but my worst case scenario is that this guy comes looking for me.

 

And, I'm not hard to find, given that I'm a teacher in a tiny community. One search of my first name and the community I live in and he'd have everything he needed to come knocking on my door. I seriously doubt that would happen but just the possibility is spooky.

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I can't see that the husband would try and contact you. There was no physical meet-up, you shut it down and have blocked her.

 

It's crappy that OLD can be used as a playground for the married/attached but you know how to prevent getting caught in a trap of deceit so if for any reason that you are contacted you are covered!

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I can't see that the husband would try and contact you. There was no physical meet-up, you shut it down and have blocked her.

 

It's crappy that OLD can be used as a playground for the married/attached but you know how to prevent getting caught in a trap of deceit so if for any reason that you are contacted you are covered!

 

I don't imagine it will happen either but you just never know. In my experience, married men are pretty quick to place blame on the "other man" (even though I'm not one in this case..) so it wouldn't be out of ordinary. This area is really bad in that aspect and I've learned to be cautious and wary.

 

I went down to a Halloween party at the local bar last year around this time and some drunken women started touching me out of the blue; running her hands through my hair and what-not. It was extremely uncomfortable and I got away from her as quickly as I could. She made quite the scene when I asked her to leave me along. But, that didn't stop her husband from getting angry and yelling at me to "stay the f--- away from his wife" across the bar as he was dragging her out. I see him around town here and there and he still glares at me.

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