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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 9th November 2017, 6:56 PM   #76
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Update to where I stood last. For those of you that remember, I sent the NC message. And my obsessive side feared he wouldnít contact. But he did. Not 24 hours passed before he weaseled his way back. There was no sorry. There were no long ďlets talk this outĒ messages. It was just a broken heart. And then friendly messages. But an increase at that. I figured I needed to maintain the friendly texting as we worked together the upcoming couple of days and I couldnít stomach working uncomfortably next to him. EXCUSES (I see them). But honestly there is some truth to that. We work closely and very reliantly on each other as we work as first responders. There is no room for communication gaps in our line of work. (I realize I need to find a new job). So those of you that said Iíd cave. I did. Reluctantly but stupidly.

My weaknesses are there. Iím still making bad decisions by responding to his texts that will go on for 12-16 hours at a time. I hate myself for it. I tell myself that Iíll stop or slow them down a bit. But he somehow will keep texting until I reply. Heís got this control over me. And Iím beginning to understand thatís what all this is about. He knows where he has me. And Iím scared to ďman upĒ so to speak and stop it all. For fear of losing that feeling that I get from his attention. How am I validating myself through him? I donít understand how I am allowing this. I have the ability to reason and say I am wrong in this. I am not doing right by myself or my family. And while heís away, clarity sets in and I feel good about not needing that what he gives me. But then he reappears. And I sink all
over again.

Itís a game. A cruel game that he is playing. And I am the puppet. Iíve read up on serial cheaters and players and how these guys use their ďtalentsĒ on weak vulnerable women. No, Iím not blaming him. I take 99% of the blame.i know I am sounding like a victim. I am not. I too am partaking in this with open eyes and that makes it worse doesnít it? But something is deeply wrong with me to allow this. I start IC next week to hopefully work on myself and be able to stop all this once and for all.

Iíve withdrawn in my M because of my shame and guilt. Itís not fair to my spouse. None of this is fair to my children. I had a dream that my daughter found out about the A and I woke up scared with my heart pounding and regret and shame all around. That had to have been a sign for me. A warning.

These are the couple of days we donít speak. I know this because he wonít contact me during certain times and I will never initiate contact. Itís a mourning period every time this happens. And then I start feeling better about not talking to him. But then he starts again. Itís a roller coaster of emotions for me.

I know Iíll get backlash. I know Iíll get the ďthink about your H and childrenĒ. Iím honestly trying to figure my way out of this. And I know NC is where i have to start. But until then I write here.

Iíve also been reading posts from others and I see so many similarities in myself. The only difference is I am looking from the outside in and I can see how easy it is to tell others to stop and get over it and they are strong enough. Itís just so different when you are the one caught up in the whirlwind.

Iíve actually moved away from the ďdoes he care about me?Ē Into ďhow can I overcome these weaknessesĒ. That has to be a start.
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Old 9th November 2017, 7:51 PM   #77
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Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
Update to where I stood last. For those of you that remember, I sent the NC message. And my obsessive side feared he wouldnít contact. But he did. Not 24 hours passed before he weaseled his way back. There was no sorry. There were no long ďlets talk this outĒ messages. It was just a broken heart. And then friendly messages. But an increase at that. I figured I needed to maintain the friendly texting as we worked together the upcoming couple of days and I couldnít stomach working uncomfortably next to him. EXCUSES (I see them). But honestly there is some truth to that. We work closely and very reliantly on each other as we work as first responders. There is no room for communication gaps in our line of work. (I realize I need to find a new job). So those of you that said Iíd cave. I did. Reluctantly but stupidly.

My weaknesses are there. Iím still making bad decisions by responding to his texts that will go on for 12-16 hours at a time. I hate myself for it. I tell myself that Iíll stop or slow them down a bit. But he somehow will keep texting until I reply. Heís got this control over me. And Iím beginning to understand thatís what all this is about. He knows where he has me. And Iím scared to ďman upĒ so to speak and stop it all. For fear of losing that feeling that I get from his attention. How am I validating myself through him? I donít understand how I am allowing this. I have the ability to reason and say I am wrong in this. I am not doing right by myself or my family. And while heís away, clarity sets in and I feel good about not needing that what he gives me. But then he reappears. And I sink all
over again.

Itís a game. A cruel game that he is playing. And I am the puppet. Iíve read up on serial cheaters and players and how these guys use their ďtalentsĒ on weak vulnerable women. No, Iím not blaming him. I take 99% of the blame.i know I am sounding like a victim. I am not. I too am partaking in this with open eyes and that makes it worse doesnít it? But something is deeply wrong with me to allow this. I start IC next week to hopefully work on myself and be able to stop all this once and for all.

Iíve withdrawn in my M because of my shame and guilt. Itís not fair to my spouse. None of this is fair to my children. I had a dream that my daughter found out about the A and I woke up scared with my heart pounding and regret and shame all around. That had to have been a sign for me. A warning.

These are the couple of days we donít speak. I know this because he wonít contact me during certain times and I will never initiate contact. Itís a mourning period every time this happens. And then I start feeling better about not talking to him. But then he starts again. Itís a roller coaster of emotions for me.

I know Iíll get backlash. I know Iíll get the ďthink about your H and childrenĒ. Iím honestly trying to figure my way out of this. And I know NC is where i have to start. But until then I write here.

Iíve also been reading posts from others and I see so many similarities in myself. The only difference is I am looking from the outside in and I can see how easy it is to tell others to stop and get over it and they are strong enough. Itís just so different when you are the one caught up in the whirlwind.

Iíve actually moved away from the ďdoes he care about me?Ē Into ďhow can I overcome these weaknessesĒ. That has to be a start.
If you wanted to stop you would...first step be honest with yourself, second step admit that this is what you want and stop making yourself sound like an out of control victim.
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Old 10th November 2017, 5:50 AM   #78
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DTK3, I wouldn't say she sounds like a victim; more like an addict.

Just for fun, here's a list of ways to beat an addiction

5 Steps to Starting a New Habit to Beat Addiction
1. Simplify Your Goals. If you try to change your entire life in a day, you're going to fail.
2. Make A Daily Change. Your goal for a healthy new habit has to be a change you make on a daily basis.
3. Set Reminders (write your goal on your fridge, tell friends)
4. Create A Trigger (a ritual to replace the old one)
5. Get Rid Of Temptation

Grass-hopper, it's really like someone trying to kick the ol' coke habit. It sounds nice in theory, but as long as there is supply there, and the individual doesn't want to change /more/ than they want to maintain the status quo, nothing is going to happen.

For change to happen, the benefits have to outweigh the assumed risks/loss. How can you make this happen in your life and mind?
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Old 10th November 2017, 4:31 PM   #79
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You are playing victim... you reach out to him and then say HE is playing a cruel game.

It seems you are both playing the game.

Poppy.
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Old 10th November 2017, 5:17 PM   #80
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Quote:
Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
Update to where I stood last. For those of you that remember, I sent the NC message. And my obsessive side feared he wouldnít contact. But he did. Not 24 hours passed before he weaseled his way back. There was no sorry. There were no long ďlets talk this outĒ messages. It was just a broken heart. And then friendly messages. But an increase at that. I figured I needed to maintain the friendly texting as we worked together the upcoming couple of days and I couldnít stomach working uncomfortably next to him. EXCUSES (I see them). But honestly there is some truth to that. We work closely and very reliantly on each other as we work as first responders. There is no room for communication gaps in our line of work. (I realize I need to find a new job). So those of you that said Iíd cave. I did. Reluctantly but stupidly.

My weaknesses are there. Iím still making bad decisions by responding to his texts that will go on for 12-16 hours at a time. I hate myself for it. I tell myself that Iíll stop or slow them down a bit. But he somehow will keep texting until I reply. Heís got this control over me. And Iím beginning to understand thatís what all this is about. He knows where he has me. And Iím scared to ďman upĒ so to speak and stop it all. For fear of losing that feeling that I get from his attention. How am I validating myself through him? I donít understand how I am allowing this. I have the ability to reason and say I am wrong in this. I am not doing right by myself or my family. And while heís away, clarity sets in and I feel good about not needing that what he gives me. But then he reappears. And I sink all
over again.

Itís a game. A cruel game that he is playing. And I am the puppet. Iíve read up on serial cheaters and players and how these guys use their ďtalentsĒ on weak vulnerable women. No, Iím not blaming him. I take 99% of the blame.i know I am sounding like a victim. I am not. I too am partaking in this with open eyes and that makes it worse doesnít it? But something is deeply wrong with me to allow this. I start IC next week to hopefully work on myself and be able to stop all this once and for all.

Iíve withdrawn in my M because of my shame and guilt. Itís not fair to my spouse. None of this is fair to my children. I had a dream that my daughter found out about the A and I woke up scared with my heart pounding and regret and shame all around. That had to have been a sign for me. A warning.

These are the couple of days we donít speak. I know this because he wonít contact me during certain times and I will never initiate contact. Itís a mourning period every time this happens. And then I start feeling better about not talking to him. But then he starts again. Itís a roller coaster of emotions for me.

I know Iíll get backlash. I know Iíll get the ďthink about your H and childrenĒ. Iím honestly trying to figure my way out of this. And I know NC is where i have to start. But until then I write here.

Iíve also been reading posts from others and I see so many similarities in myself. The only difference is I am looking from the outside in and I can see how easy it is to tell others to stop and get over it and they are strong enough. Itís just so different when you are the one caught up in the whirlwind.

Iíve actually moved away from the ďdoes he care about me?Ē Into ďhow can I overcome these weaknessesĒ. That has to be a start.
Take your power back and go No Contact... like REAL no contact. It works it was the only way for me ;-)
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Old 11th November 2017, 2:48 PM   #81
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Nope, he's got no control or super powers over you.
It is 100% in your hands.
Accepting this control also means accepting responsibility for carrying on, so that's why you're pretending he has a hold on you.
Excuses.
You can stop but you don't want to, so you tell yourself you're powerless.
No control, easier to shift blame, deny and most importantly- continue.
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Old 11th November 2017, 3:23 PM   #82
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Once you kissed the COW the first time it became a physical affair. You can stop whenever u like but enjoy the attention of the OM so will continue until either the OM gets what he wants which is full blown sex then keeps you on the side until either he gets tired of you or a new potential conquest shows up at the office or when your BS finds out and sends you packing and all alone.
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Old 11th November 2017, 6:15 PM   #83
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I agree. I am shifting the blame on him so as to not take responsibility for the bad choices I have made. After all, no one really wants to come to terms with their own faults and demons. No one wants to take that long look on the mirror and see who they really are. But I know it needs to be done.

I also agree that I continue to allow it because I like the attention. Because looking at myself through his lying eyes is far better than coming to terms with the reality of who I really am.

I also know that this is temporary for him. And can be permanently destructive for myself. Knowing all this, I still find myself here. So I know there is something deep rootedly wrong with me. And Iíve began to take the steps to try and figure it out by starting IC.

I know itís easy for everyone here to say sheís weak, acting a victim, placing blame when all she has to do is shut the door. If it were that easy for me, I know I would. I know I could. I just need to find another job and then I will be able to do it. Weíd gone 2 days no contact and I found that although there were moments that I drifted into thoughts of him, it was easy to turn it off. And I am fine not contacting him. He always initiates contact. I never do.

Thanks everyone for your replies. You are forcing me to take that long overdue look in be mirror.
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Old 11th November 2017, 6:27 PM   #84
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I agree. I am shifting the blame on him so as to not take responsibility for the bad choices I have made. After all, no one really wants to come to terms with their own faults and demons. No one wants to take that long look on the mirror and see who they really are. But I know it needs to be done.

I also agree that I continue to allow it because I like the attention. Because looking at myself through his lying eyes is far better than coming to terms with the reality of who I really am.

I also know that this is temporary for him. And can be permanently destructive for myself. Knowing all this, I still find myself here. So I know there is something deep rootedly wrong with me. And Iíve began to take the steps to try and figure it out by starting IC.

I know itís easy for everyone here to say sheís weak, acting a victim, placing blame when all she has to do is shut the door. If it were that easy for me, I know I would. I know I could. I just need to find another job and then I will be able to do it. Weíd gone 2 days no contact and I found that although there were moments that I drifted into thoughts of him, it was easy to turn it off. And I am fine not contacting him. He always initiates contact. I never do.

Thanks everyone for your replies. You are forcing me to take that long overdue look in be mirror.
It is possible to do NC while you are in the same job. Have you tried asking him to delete your contact info? This is what worked for me. Going NC right now will make it that much easier when you do get another job. By that point heíll already be a distant speck in your rear view mirror.
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Old 12th November 2017, 2:16 PM   #85
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Weíd gone 2 days no contact and I found that although there were moments that I drifted into thoughts of him, it was easy to turn it off. And I am fine not contacting him. He always initiates contact. I never do.

Thanks everyone for your replies. You are forcing me to take that long overdue look in be mirror.
Part of that long look is acknowledging that just because he is reaching out doesn't mean you have to be willing to respond. Block his number, either on your phone or on whatever messaging app you're using. Take the strength you have on day 2 or 3 to do this. Like someone else said, it's an addiction and you just have to go cold turkey to get him out of your system.

More than that, you have to get clarity on what you want (your husband, your marriage, your children) and be willing to go through the pain and withdrawal to have a happy, fulfilling home life again.
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Old 13th November 2017, 6:10 AM   #86
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can you start to look for a new job? I had to move and it broke my heart but it's what needed to be done to get out of this mess
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Old 13th November 2017, 7:51 AM   #87
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What I really don't understand is that it doesn't sound as if you really even care that much about this guy. It sounds more like you are addicted to the feelings in the A. By that, I don't mean that there is some great love or even that much affection between you and this guy. It sounds more like there is some need in you that the A meets, but I really don't think it's even anything that "romantic".


What is it is you that feels the need to engage in this risky behvaior? What are you getting out of it that makes it worth it? How else can you get that same "rush"? ( are you a bit of an adrenaline junkie?)
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Old 13th November 2017, 11:02 AM   #88
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Can't you just block him? Do you need to be able to receive texts from him for work? If not - BLOCK HIM. Take back your power. You're a grown woman. Put on your big girl panties and just do it.
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Old 13th November 2017, 12:47 PM   #89
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Can't you just block him? Do you need to be able to receive texts from him for work? If not - BLOCK HIM. Take back your power. You're a grown woman. Put on your big girl panties and just do it.
She doesn't desire to do so. Guilt, she feels guilty and part of making herself feel less of it is convincing herself that she wants to end thing. It's all sort of an act. She has admitted earlier in the thread that she doesn't really want to end it, so until she gets there it's just drama designed to make herself feel less guilt.
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Old 13th November 2017, 3:56 PM   #90
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Question

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I also agree that I continue to allow it because I like the attention. Because looking at myself through his lying eyes is far better than coming to terms with the reality of who I really am.

I also know that this is temporary for him. And can be permanently destructive for myself. Knowing all this, I still find myself here. So I know there is something deep rootedly wrong with me. And Iíve began to take the steps to try and figure it out by starting IC.
This is what will drive a wedge between you and your husband and rot your marriage from within. You will feel less worthy and more shame sending you towards your affair partner who you will feel is more accepting and this will be a vicious cycle to break.
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