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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 31st October 2017, 3:01 PM   #61
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I think you need to stop thinking of your own pain OP, and instead think of the pain you are causing your H and family. Does your H know?

Meanwhile I wonder what you are gaining from this thread. You are making yourself sound like a victim not in control of your own actions, and the responses you are getting so far are only reinforcing that mindset.
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Old 31st October 2017, 3:30 PM   #62
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I think you need to stop thinking of your own pain OP, and instead think of the pain you are causing your H and family. Does your H know?

Meanwhile I wonder what you are gaining from this thread. You are making yourself sound like a victim not in control of your own actions, and the responses you are getting so far are only reinforcing that mindset.
Fair enough. I can honestly say that at this point I donít feel in control. And this is what brought me here. To relate to othersí who have been in my shoes. To understand that Iím not the only whoís made bad choices. I come here so I donít go there. So I donít tell him I feel these things. Because Iím hidden behind a fake name and a screen and I can let out all these feelings. Iím gaining: An outlet. Some understanding. Some brutal honesty.

Iíve not said much about my H. I understand that will eventually come to a head and then the feelings of guilt will override all this self pity. He does not know. You are right, imajerk. I should focus on whoís pain really matters here. And it shouldnít be mine. As a mother I should be able to take all the pain to avoid inflicting pain on my family. I will ponder that thought over and over and over again in hopes that I see myself as less of a victim.
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Old 31st October 2017, 3:51 PM   #63
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As a mother I should be able to take all the pain to avoid inflicting pain on my family.
Just joining the discussion now, but this sentence is disturbing to me. Your pain is your pain. Don't attempt to deny it, or repress it, because it will destroy you.

If you need assistance, seek help.

However, you do have a responsibility to your husband, and especially your children, not to inflict pain on them. Which is why, you need to find a way to deal with this. You need to find a way to end this relationship. It's not healthy for you, or your family.

Last edited by BaileyB; 31st October 2017 at 3:56 PM..
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Old 31st October 2017, 10:45 PM   #64
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Just joining the discussion now, but this sentence is disturbing to me. Your pain is your pain. Don't attempt to deny it, or repress it, because it will destroy you.

If you need assistance, seek help.

However, you do have a responsibility to your husband, and especially your children, not to inflict pain on them. Which is why, you need to find a way to deal with this. You need to find a way to end this relationship. It's not healthy for you, or your family.
My pain feels like itís destroying me. I interject every time and say to myself think about your family. Think about them. Put them first. But itís especially hard right now. This is day 1 NC. I was hopeful heíd contact me. But maybe, like all the other stories I read on here, he is like the others. Able to turn it on an off. He never cared. And that in itself is heart shattering. Because not only am I now dealing with my own obsessive issues. Iím dealing with being made a fool of. And I guess i need this for clarity. Itís confirmation. But I wonít lie. Itís hard. Itís so hard. Despite my efforts to think of my H and my family. My ego is bruised.
I AM getting assistance. I initiated IC last week, now just awaiting my first session. I intend to work on me. I intend to work on my M. And I intend to survive this. I just donít know how I will get there.
Thanks everyone for reading and probably rolling your eyes at all my posts. And thanks for those who reply. Empathetic or harsh. I write here tonight to avoid writing him.
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Old 31st October 2017, 11:43 PM   #65
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There is one common piece of advice that applies to both betrayed spouses and wandering spouses. Be decisive in your actions, because that is all you are in control of. This business of waiting for the other person to decide your fate will lead to your ruin. So, grass_hopper, you need to decide and act for yourself whether you want to end this affair or whether you want to leave it in the other guy's hands.

I'll let you in on a secret. If your AP really cared for you even a little bit, he would leave you alone, because he knows that you are likely to pay a higher price for your infidelity than he will. If/when your affair is exposed, he will simply move on and leave you to your fate because who would commit to a long term relationship with a partner they know is capable of cheating? Think about that. Think about what you are actively trading for that future right now.
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Old 1st November 2017, 12:00 AM   #66
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This is day 1 NC. I was hopeful he’d contact me.

But maybe, like all the other stories I read on here, he is like the others. Able to turn it on an off. He never cared. And that in itself is heart shattering. I’m dealing with being made a fool of. My ego is bruised.
No contact means... you have no contact. Read that first sentence back again - do you see how nonsensical it is?

It's not about him though... Whether he contacts you again or not, you are NOT going to take his call because you have chosen your family and you have made the decision to go no contact. It's your decision, not his.

Malvern99 is right, if he cares about you at all, he will respect your wishes and he will not contact you.

But rather, you have taken his silence to mean that he does not care. You have taken his silence today to mean that he has used you (which is accurate, he has used you). And this has bruised your ego and made you feel foolish, for falling so hard for a man who cares so little that he can walk away so easily...

You need validation... so, you want him to call.

I am glad to hear that you are getting help. You really need it. You are in deep here and it's hard to really understand why...
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Old 1st November 2017, 12:12 AM   #67
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He will contact you when his sex drive gets higher.

The question is...will you say no? Will you think of your family at that point when a decision means something significant?
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Old 1st November 2017, 12:19 AM   #68
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My pain feels like itís destroying me. I interject every time and say to myself think about your family. Think about them. Put them first. But itís especially hard right now. This is day 1 NC. I was hopeful heíd contact me. But maybe, like all the other stories I read on here, he is like the others. Able to turn it on an off. He never cared. And that in itself is heart shattering. Because not only am I now dealing with my own obsessive issues. Iím dealing with being made a fool of. And I guess i need this for clarity. Itís confirmation. But I wonít lie. Itís hard. Itís so hard. Despite my efforts to think of my H and my family. My ego is bruised.
I AM getting assistance. I initiated IC last week, now just awaiting my first session. I intend to work on me. I intend to work on my M. And I intend to survive this. I just donít know how I will get there.
Thanks everyone for reading and probably rolling your eyes at all my posts. And thanks for those who reply. Empathetic or harsh. I write here tonight to avoid writing him.
So you seem to be in the what it means to the MM part. Once a MW concludes it didn't mean much to him the ego is hurt because you've spent so much time thinking it's so special and you're special to him.

Now, you have to understand, attempting to "work on your marriage" will fail if you're not honest about all the things that need to be worked on including your affair. If you're not will to own up to it then really you are stealing more of your husband's time, not to mention, if we are being honest, Thier is a very good chance he won't even want to fix it.

All this stuff about MM is, well you simply not REALLY wanting to end it that's all. Once you do you will, and it won't be will all the hope he contacts you nonsense.
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Old 1st November 2017, 12:21 AM   #69
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He will contact you when his sex drive gets higher.

The question is...will you say no? Will you think of your family at that point when a decision means something significant?
At this point...not likely. He calls she runs, doubt her family will be a strong enough reason to stop her. Because,it's what she wants, period
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Old 1st November 2017, 1:41 AM   #70
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At this point...not likely. He calls she runs, doubt her family will be a strong enough reason to stop her. Because,it's what she wants, period
Itís what my distorted mind thinks it wants. But deep down inside, despite the bad decisions I have made, I am also able to see that these emotions/feelings/desires are distorted and wrong. And I am in tune enough to know that I need professional help through it. Hence, my initiation of IC and my posts here. People talk about addiction qualities and how this compares. Iím trying to seek help and am not in complete denial and Iím honest. Yes, my distorted views want him to respond for my own validation. Iím hoping that will pass. Iím hoping I can overcome that.

Perhaps most of your views and opinions are from experience through other posters or maybe from scorned egos. Nonetheless I remain hopeful that I can overcome. After all that is why I am here.

I appreciate all input whether encouraging or discouraging. And i understand that there will be those that only see me as the deceiving spouse and have no hope for me. But I will hold on to hope because that is all I have going for me right now. I am human. I have made bad choices. But I am not all knowing nor perfect.
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Old 1st November 2017, 2:05 AM   #71
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Itís what my distorted mind thinks it wants. But deep down inside, despite the bad decisions I have made, I am also able to see that these emotions/feelings/desires are distorted and wrong. And I am in tune enough to know that I need professional help through it. Hence, my initiation of IC and my posts here. People talk about addiction qualities and how this compares. Iím trying to seek help and am not in complete denial and Iím honest. Yes, my distorted views want him to respond for my own validation. Iím hoping that will pass. Iím hoping I can overcome that.

Perhaps most of your views and opinions are from experience through other posters or maybe from scorned egos. Nonetheless I remain hopeful that I can overcome. After all that is why I am here.

I appreciate all input whether encouraging or discouraging. And i understand that there will be those that only see me as the deceiving spouse and have no hope for me. But I will hold on to hope because that is all I have going for me right now. I am human. I have made bad choices. But I am not all knowing nor perfect.
When you don't want to be in the affair you won't be. Until then you will hide behind this mythical inability to control your self and actions.
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Old 1st November 2017, 11:57 AM   #72
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No contact means... you have no contact. Read that first sentence back again - do you see how nonsensical it is?

It's not about him though... Whether he contacts you again or not, you are NOT going to take his call because you have chosen your family and you have made the decision to go no contact. It's your decision, not his.

Malvern99 is right, if he cares about you at all, he will respect your wishes and he will not contact you.

But rather, you have taken his silence to mean that he does not care. You have taken his silence today to mean that he has used you (which is accurate, he has used you). And this has bruised your ego and made you feel foolish, for falling so hard for a man who cares so little that he can walk away so easily...

You need validation... so, you want him to call.

I am glad to hear that you are getting help. You really need it. You are in deep here and it's hard to really understand why...
An excellent post from Bailey. Grasshopper, read it again and again. I clearly remember being in the above position. Unfortunately it wasn't until after my d-day, when I could see the consequences of my choices right in front of me in the face of my H, that my focus was able to shift from XAP to myself and my family. Start thinking outside the box...the box of you. And hold on to NC one day at a time. Like my signature says...what you allow is what will continue. GL.
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Old 1st November 2017, 5:33 PM   #73
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(((grass-hopper))) sending you love and strength today. You are worth soooooo much more than how you are being treated and yes how you are treating your family

Please don't expect anything from this man. You will be letdown. Try not to wonder why as this just keeps you planted in indecision. I am proud of you for telling him how you feel for deciding to end this and take control of your life again. You can do it hurts like holy hell but it's possible. There was a time that I thought I would never get over my xOM, today the thought of him doesn't even enter my mind unless I'm here talking about it.

Please check out a book called 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass it really is a good read and eye opener about how A's begin and progress and their aftermath.
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Old 2nd November 2017, 9:46 AM   #74
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Thanks all for listening and taking time to respond.
Itís strange how thereís a roller coaster of feelings and emotions in this process. Distraught one day and hopeful and positive the next. I see how NC is the solution. I will see how LC works out during work. Luckily we donít always work together.
And that is one solution. The other is how I will get to working on myself and how I ended up here and if there is any salvaging my M. A M that has been broken for a long time.
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Old 2nd November 2017, 1:11 PM   #75
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The M may have been broken for a long time, and both you and your BH own 50% of that situation. Whether or not you think there is enough there worth fighting for to salvage it is your call. Whatever you do decide to do though, build the foundation for your future on truth, and by that I also include being honest with yourself. It's often really hard to do, but once you get to a place where you can be honest with yourself, it will make any subsequent decisions easier. Good luck.
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