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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 20th October 2017, 2:58 PM   #46
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Originally Posted by kittencupcake View Post
Why is looking for another job in order to make sure the affair is over not an option?
This is my career. Iím under a contract for at least 6 more months because I just took a promotion. That too can be an issue I guess.
If it gets too much Iíll have to request a transfer in 6 months. Or maybe heíll go. But we are in a field where our paths will always cross. Unless we move out of the city.

I canít seem to get him out of my head. We hadnít text in 3 days. But heís reappeared. Just like clockwork. I know when heíll text and when he wonít. Iím a sucker for him though.
Despite knowing who he is and his history. Iím still a sucker. But I can only keep trying to abstain or keep it friendly. He can do that. He is just friendly most of the time. It isnít usually love and rainbows talk.
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Old 20th October 2017, 3:54 PM   #47
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IMHO, keeping it friendly only prolongs the affair. 100% NC is what is required, and I think a part of you knows that, but you are unwilling to embrace it yet. Hopefully you will embrace it before it is too late, because it is only a matter of time before your affair takes the next logical step. Once it crosses that line, there may be no going back. Take it from me... I've been on the other side of that equation. All affairs are destructive (much more destructive than anyone who hasn't been touched by infidelity can fully grasp), but at least in my eyes, there is a difference between an EA and a PA. They are both terrible and emasculating, but one more so than the other.

Save yourself the guaranteed pain you are setting yourself up for. Either deal with your marital issues or have the courage to end it truthfully before you continue on this path. If you truly are in love with your AP, then fair enough... that is your call to make. Just don't drag other unsuspecting people into it this. Good luck.
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Old 21st October 2017, 1:49 AM   #48
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in my eyes, there is a difference between an EA and a PA. They are both terrible and emasculating, but one more so than the other.
Which do you see as worse? EA or PA? Just wondering. As a woman, I would say the EA is worse. But I assume most men would say PA is worse.

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Originally Posted by malvern99 View Post
If you truly are in love with your AP, then fair enough... that is your call to make.
I know I am not in love with my AP. I would call it infatuated.. with an idea of something i am missing. I know enough to know he could have been anyone. He is just that someone that paid attention. So itís awful to know this and still find myself in this predicament... feeling attached and addicted to him.

Iíve taken the steps to begin IC. Hopefully that will give me answers to how i found myself here. But until then Iím sure Iíll keep posting here. Iím finding everyoneís replies insightful.
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Old 21st October 2017, 11:23 AM   #49
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Are you kidding me??!? His FEELINGS??!? He's a GUY. Guys who act like this (pouring attention on you) will say ANYTHING to get you into bed with them. Married or single or anywhere in between, that is their singular goal. Feelings are fickle and treacherous, especially in a guy. They don't care what they're saying, except as far as it helps them reach their ultimate goal -- getting you into bed. Once they're done with you, their feelings "magically" change toward you. That mountain's been climbed. They get restless for the next adventure.

If you value yourself at all, don't be that mountain! Whatever you do - Don't give it up.

EDIT: Oh! I see Ruffian beat me to it.
Excuse me! I beg to be different as man. Why can't men just want to be loved and in loved. Why can't we be appreciated and loyal to the women we love. As a single man this is what I believe in. I am in no rush to jump into bed. I would rather get to know you. Not into one-night-stands, booty-call or quickies. No casual sex acts, nothing like that. I am fun but.. I do not know you so can't prejudge all men as this as you describe, just not fair on us who don't do that!

This guy that OP has is married and a cheater she gave him her life so he has hers and his wife. So he lies to his wife who he lives with has sex with and makes babies with. Then the OP see him when he's able to sneak away from his loving wife he loves so much yet he can cheat on her with the OP. Live a live of lush and lies cheating while married. Cheating while have sex with MM. I had stopped MW trying to convince me of all people to believe it was just a piece of paper. Not a piece of paper. It means your married. See people like my Ex MW/MWSfor 10 years and still married for 30 years. Prior to this she did the same thing. I am not paying for her divorce and I am not going to do the same as your current husband. I finally put a end this n 1 year. No I didn't sleep for sex nothing, never going to happen. She was tough one to let go, she still loves me no matter what I say to her. I do miss her but like she thinks I do. I told her call up your husband ask him to come home to you. Only him can make the love you want and the sex you want I will never do it with you, why because your MW who told me she was single. Liar and cheater... Who's still married but separated. No stop him calling like he did and he can show up anytime sleep over and have sex with his MW. I told her this million times. All this is hogwash nothing in it for me just confusing the heck out of me. For my birthday she sent me a card with no name in it.. I knew it was her. She sent me stuff in the mail stuff don't want, but she still did it. I had to say if you keep this up I have to call the local deputy Sheriff on you. She stopped.. Thank God...

Last edited by coolheadal; 21st October 2017 at 11:26 AM..
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Old 21st October 2017, 4:36 PM   #50
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Excuse me! I beg to be different as man. Why can't men just want to be loved and in loved. Why can't we be appreciated and loyal to the women we love. As a single man this is what I believe in. I am in no rush to jump into bed. I would rather get to know you. Not into one-night-stands, booty-call or quickies. No casual sex acts, nothing like that. I am fun but.. I do not know you so can't prejudge all men as this as you describe, just not fair on us who don't do that!

This guy that OP has is married and a cheater she gave him her life so he has hers and his wife. So he lies to his wife who he lives with has sex with and makes babies with. Then the OP see him when he's able to sneak away from his loving wife he loves so much yet he can cheat on her with the OP. Live a live of lush and lies cheating while married. Cheating while have sex with MM. I had stopped MW trying to convince me of all people to believe it was just a piece of paper. Not a piece of paper. It means your married. See people like my Ex MW/MWSfor 10 years and still married for 30 years. Prior to this she did the same thing. I am not paying for her divorce and I am not going to do the same as your current husband. I finally put a end this n 1 year. No I didn't sleep for sex nothing, never going to happen. She was tough one to let go, she still loves me no matter what I say to her. I do miss her but like she thinks I do. I told her call up your husband ask him to come home to you. Only him can make the love you want and the sex you want I will never do it with you, why because your MW who told me she was single. Liar and cheater... Who's still married but separated. No stop him calling like he did and he can show up anytime sleep over and have sex with his MW. I told her this million times. All this is hogwash nothing in it for me just confusing the heck out of me. For my birthday she sent me a card with no name in it.. I knew it was her. She sent me stuff in the mail stuff don't want, but she still did it. I had to say if you keep this up I have to call the local deputy Sheriff on you. She stopped.. Thank God...
I agree that there is a lot of anti male feeling on this forum. Perhaps it is because more women are willing to com here and talk about their experiences than men
Perhaps more thought should be put into they way women speak about men on the forum.
POppy
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Old 22nd October 2017, 4:12 PM   #51
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I agree that there is a lot of anti male feeling on this forum. Perhaps it is because more women are willing to com here and talk about their experiences than men
Perhaps more thought should be put into they way women speak about men on the forum.
POppy
Yes I do agree more do come here and talk about their bad experiences with men who treat them awful but they want that from man. I don't want to be label nice and would like be nice brawny confident man.
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Old 30th October 2017, 12:05 AM   #52
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My affair is leading to my own self destruction

I am watching myself from the outside looking in and Iím appalled. Who is this woman? Reliant on a manís attention?
I obviously havenít initiated NC. My every last breath seems to be hanging onto him and what he does or doesnít do. And Iím seeing it all happen. The deeper I get into this, the harder it will be for me to crawl out of. I donít understand how i got here. I donít understand how I let myself get here. I used to walk this Earth with regular adult problems. How did I invite this into my world? And why the hell cant I just let it go? Let him go?
Iím frightened of who I am becoming. And where this is taking me. I know I have a long painstaking road ahead of me. And I havenít even gotten to the not knowing him anymore. I havenít even gone through the guilt. I havenít had to think of possible d-day. And this is me. I am self destructing and I donít know why.
I used to think I had my sh!! together. I used to think I was a smart woman. But I am proving to myself that I donít have a clue. Iím obsessive. Iím full of anxiety. Iím moving along in life but Iím in a haze/a daze. I want so badly just to snap out of it.
Iím hoping this is all just a moment Iím having today. And at the risk of sounding awful to everyone. I just need to get it out. Any words of wisdom?
IC doesnít start until 2 weeks from now. And even then itís going to take a lot of work. And it wonít go away until i stop all this.
Thereís no escaping this, is there?
I have no one to blame but myself.
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Old 30th October 2017, 12:07 AM   #53
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Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
I am watching myself from the outside looking in and Iím appalled. Who is this woman? Reliant on a manís attention?
I obviously havenít initiated NC. My every last breath seems to be hanging onto him and what he does or doesnít do. And Iím seeing it all happen. The deeper I get into this, the harder it will be for me to crawl out of. I donít understand how i got here. I donít understand how I let myself get here. I used to walk this Earth with regular adult problems. How did I invite this into my world? And why the hell cant I just let it go? Let him go?
Iím frightened of who I am becoming. And where this is taking me. I know I have a long painstaking road ahead of me. And I havenít even gotten to the not knowing him anymore. I havenít even gone through the guilt. I havenít had to think of possible d-day. And this is me. I am self destructing and I donít know why.
I used to think I had my sh!! together. I used to think I was a smart woman. But I am proving to myself that I donít have a clue. Iím obsessive. Iím full of anxiety. Iím moving along in life but Iím in a haze/a daze. I want so badly just to snap out of it.
Iím hoping this is all just a moment Iím having today. And at the risk of sounding awful to everyone. I just need to get it out. Any words of wisdom?
IC doesnít start until 2 weeks from now. And even then itís going to take a lot of work. And it wonít go away until i stop all this.
Thereís no escaping this, is there?
I have no one to blame but myself.
There's no escaping who you've actually become (a cheater), but of course you can get out of this downward spiral by ending the affair.
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Old 30th October 2017, 6:50 AM   #54
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fight for your life.

if you were swimming and something grabbed your foot from below, would you stop to think you're in love with the thing trying to drag you under and stop your life?

hell no.

you'd turn on whatever it was and smack, kick, gouge, punch and head for safety.

the fact that you feel you are watching what's going on, leads me to believe that you will be able to "change the channel" once you realize that it is happening to YOU and not someone else.

i don't know what you call that feeling, i had it myself. maybe a bit of borderline personality, morbid curosity, not sure. perhaps you're just enjoying the feeling of watching something your curuious about, like how low will that person go??

it will keep on until your instinct for your own life kicks in. hopefully soon.

cuz the deeper the hole, the longer it takes to climb out.

you are important. if not to yourself, then to whom?

don't wait for the IC. call the hotline for emotional anonymous. whatever the label, you need to admit you are powerless and need something greater then yourself(not him) to help you.

find a meeting, then go.

good luck
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Old 30th October 2017, 2:07 PM   #55
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Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
I am watching myself from the outside looking in and Iím appalled. Who is this woman? Reliant on a manís attention?
I obviously havenít initiated NC. My every last breath seems to be hanging onto him and what he does or doesnít do. And Iím seeing it all happen. The deeper I get into this, the harder it will be for me to crawl out of. I donít understand how i got here. I donít understand how I let myself get here. I used to walk this Earth with regular adult problems. How did I invite this into my world? And why the hell cant I just let it go? Let him go?
Iím frightened of who I am becoming. And where this is taking me. I know I have a long painstaking road ahead of me. And I havenít even gotten to the not knowing him anymore. I havenít even gone through the guilt. I havenít had to think of possible d-day. And this is me. I am self destructing and I donít know why.
I used to think I had my sh!! together. I used to think I was a smart woman. But I am proving to myself that I donít have a clue. Iím obsessive. Iím full of anxiety. Iím moving along in life but Iím in a haze/a daze. I want so badly just to snap out of it.
Iím hoping this is all just a moment Iím having today. And at the risk of sounding awful to everyone. I just need to get it out. Any words of wisdom?
IC doesnít start until 2 weeks from now. And even then itís going to take a lot of work. And it wonít go away until i stop all this.
Thereís no escaping this, is there?
I have no one to blame but myself.
Grasshopper, I didn't start posting on here until I was weeks into no contact. But if I had, it would be your post verbatim. It's like being in a living hell as you turn yourself into a wreck of a person. So...

GET OUT NOW

There aren't caps large enough. Each day you stay prolongs your pain and delays your recovery. When you're in hell, the ladder up to the real world will scorch your body and peel the skin from your hands. It will hurt. But once you get there, you'll look down and realize how horrible it really was. And you will start to heal. You will.

So get out now.
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Old 30th October 2017, 4:05 PM   #56
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My experience as an xMOW was that the feeling and withdraw is just like addiction. This is no different, if you can see it this way then you will know you need to practice a lot of self care and discipline to stay away and better yourself. You don't get better by continuing to use ;-) Best of luck to you.
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Old 30th October 2017, 6:21 PM   #57
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There are many of us who know EXACTLY how you feel and what you are experiencing. The only way out of the pain is through it. In other words, it's going to get worse before it gets better. You have to stop contact now. Then go through the withdrawal. It gets better. Slowly. Very slowly.

However, you will not begin to heal and repair and rebuild yourself until you eliminate this man from your life. You just have to quit him. That's all there is to it. Then go from there.

Ultimately, this all starts and ends with you. YOU have a lot of work to do on yourself. The hows and whys and personal work on boundaries, integrity, honesty, compassion (for yourself and others) self-esteem...these are all isssues that you will be able to occupy your time with.
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Old 31st October 2017, 2:16 PM   #58
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I think I just unintentionally ended the affair

I just sent a message to him that quite possibly called things off and I can feel the dark clouds rolling in, my chest tightening up, my heart trying to escape out through my throat, my stomach churning, my lungs gasping for every last breath. These are the symptoms of withdrawal. I’m frightened of what lay ahead.
We worked together. And for the most part he’s just a childish man. Have I mentioned I am the older one in this A? He’s always playing silly games and picking on me like a little kid. Kind of making my job difficult. Really just being obnoxious. And I take it. Most of the time we work together he does this. He acts completely different in person than the man behind the social media screen. And I think maybe he doesn’t want to draw too much attention by being overly nice. But it’s likely he just has no respect for me. Why is he two different people? When he’s not teasing me, he is asking me for favors with his big pearly whites and puppy dog eyes and at that point I’ll do things for him. What an absolute idiot I am. I am seeing what he’s doing to me. But I am choosing to let him do these things. It’s almost as he’s just toying with me. Because he knows he’s got me.
Usually the pattern is he’ll act like this when we work together and then he’ll send me a sorry message once he’s left. Except this time I told him that he’s two different people in person and through message and he apologized again and told me he would leave me alone at work. Usually I’d say oh it’s ok. This time I just told him I didn’t need his sorry and that he could choose to talk to me or leave me alone. I told him he was obviously the one calling the shots and I was just rolling with the punches and I was sure that was his easy way out and I understood. He read the message. And he hasn’t replied.
I’m stringing along on a thread. And my gut tells me he won’t reply. Because really all those messages he sent me 3 days ago about how much he cares for me and how he wants to give me those feelings and emotions I deserve and how he wants us to be how we are for a very long time. It was all just BS.
Why is it that as I write all this down I can see clearly that I’m just a game to him. I can see clearly what he is doing to me but I still want a reply. Why? How can I have such low respect for myself to allow him to treat me like trash?
I’m scared of how I will feel when he doesn’t reply. Of how he’ll ignore me when I see him at work. Of how jealous I’ll feel when I see him moving on to the next one.

Last edited by grass-hopper; 31st October 2017 at 2:18 PM.. Reason: Grammer
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Old 31st October 2017, 2:48 PM   #59
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I just sent a message to him that quite possibly called things off and I can feel the dark clouds rolling in, my chest tightening up, my heart trying to escape out through my throat, my stomach churning, my lungs gasping for every last breath. These are the symptoms of withdrawal. Iím frightened of what lay ahead.
We worked together. And for the most part heís just a childish man. Have I mentioned I am the older one in this A? Heís always playing silly games and picking on me like a little kid. Kind of making my job difficult. Really just being obnoxious. And I take it. Most of the time we work together he does this. He acts completely different in person than the man behind the social media screen. And I think maybe he doesnít want to draw too much attention by being overly nice. But itís likely he just has no respect for me. Why is he two different people? When heís not teasing me, he is asking me for favors with his big pearly whites and puppy dog eyes and at that point Iíll do things for him. What an absolute idiot I am. I am seeing what heís doing to me. But I am choosing to let him do these things. Itís almost as heís just toying with me. Because he knows heís got me.
Usually the pattern is heíll act like this when we work together and then heíll send me a sorry message once heís left. Except this time I told him that heís two different people in person and through message and he apologized again and told me he would leave me alone at work. Usually Iíd say oh itís ok. This time I just told him I didnít need his sorry and that he could choose to talk to me or leave me alone. I told him he was obviously the one calling the shots and I was just rolling with the punches and I was sure that was his easy way out and I understood. He read the message. And he hasnít replied.
Iím stringing along on a thread. And my gut tells me he wonít reply. Because really all those messages he sent me 3 days ago about how much he cares for me and how he wants to give me those feelings and emotions I deserve and how he wants us to be how we are for a very long time. It was all just BS.
Why is it that as I write all this down I can see clearly that Iím just a game to him. I can see clearly what he is doing to me but I still want a reply. Why? How can I have such low respect for myself to allow him to treat me like trash?
Iím scared of how I will feel when he doesnít reply. Of how heíll ignore me when I see him at work. Of how jealous Iíll feel when I see him moving on to the next one.
Oh, grasshopper, Iím so sorry to hear youíre having a rough time. I completely relate to how youíre feeling. Youíll get through this. Sending the message was the right thing to do, and shows youíre tired, finished with his games. Try to hold onto that. Focus on you; healing yourself. You donít need him or his apologies.

Sigh. Today I feel like Iíve been literally hit and run over by a truck. My chest is so heavy and empty, all my muscles ache, and I feel truly awful. So much guilt surrounding the possibility of our spouses finding out, and yes, the anguish of feeling such low self esteem; of needing this stupid A to somehow validate myself. This craven addiction eating away at me.

Ugh. This is not worth our time and energy!!
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Old 31st October 2017, 2:50 PM   #60
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Yours sounds a lot like mine. I have a decade on him. And he was like two different people. When I first met him, I thought, wow, this guy is really deep. He was gentle and listened to me when I was having a rough time. At some point though he had to drop the mask, and then I saw who he really was - a manipulative thug hiding behind a nice guy exterior.

I think we got hooked onto that initial nice guy, and we keep trying to get that person back. We get scared that the next one is going to get the good guy for real. It's hard to accept that that guy was never real - it was just a cleverly constructed image designed for the purpose of getting what he wanted.
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