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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 19th October 2017, 12:14 AM   #31
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It has to be self esteem issues. I know heís not a good man/husband.. He and I have nothing in common. Heís actually not really ďmy typeĒ (though I donít really see myself as having a type. I mean it was just my H, I wasnít looking.) Itís the attention he gave me. He likely saw my vulnerability and thought me an easy target. I donít know how I let myself get here. I know I have issues in my marriage. Issues that my H refuses to seek counseling for. Regardless, I know me falling into this A isnít the resolution.
Iím afraid of the uphill battle I have ahead of me to suck it up and stop all this. Leaving my job is not an option so the absolute NC is not an option. I have to figure out how to work with him and keep my sanity and distance. I know I sound pathetic. I donít know how itís so difficult for me to just turn it off. Itís not like I am imagining a future with him. Itís not as if I see us leaving our spouses to live happily ever after. I understand the reality of it all. I see who he is. So why do I latch onto His kindness to me. His attention. Our jokes?
Thank you everyone for your replies. They are helpful. I will return to read them over and over in hopes that they will serve as that support I am so desperately in need of.
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Old 19th October 2017, 2:26 AM   #32
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Grasshopper, it doesn't matter if he means what he says.


My MM loves me. He shows it all the time. But he won't choose me. So his love doesn't matter. Because as much as he loves me, he chose his W. And it doesn't matter why he chose her. All that matters is that when it came down to it, he did not leave.


Your MM says he doesn't want to hurt you but he knows he is. He doesn't care because your pain is an ego boost for him.


You can't go NC, fine, I understand that you can't quit your job. But you can go LC. In other words, if its not work related, you don't talk to him. If he sends you these long emotional texts respond with 1 word, "Stop". Nothing else. If he slips something emotional into a work text, respond to the work portion and completely ignore the emotion crap. Give him a blank wall. Eventually he will find someone else to torture.


When you get into ANY relationship that causes you to say the words, I hate myself. It is time to pop smoke.


You deserve better. But you won't get it until you decide that you wont accept less.


As to your H. If he won't go to therapy with you, go by yourself. If your M can and should be fixed, work on that, if it can't or shouldn't be fixed, work on leaving it with your dignity intact.
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Old 19th October 2017, 6:49 AM   #33
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Iím afraid of the uphill battle I have ahead of me to suck it up and stop all this. Leaving my job is not an option so the absolute NC is not an option. I have to figure out how to work with him and keep my sanity and distance. I know I sound pathetic. I donít know how itís so difficult for me to just turn it off. Itís not like I am imagining a future with him. Itís not as if I see us leaving our spouses to live happily ever after. I understand the reality of it all. I see who he is. So why do I latch onto His kindness to me. His attention. Our jokes?
I totally get this pull. We love how we feel ABOUT OURSELVES when someone adores us and values our company and treats us well. It's like they're holding up a mirror to us of the person we'd love to be all the time. We love how we look in their eyes. Wouldn't it be nice to walk around all day feeling like that REGARDLESS of who is (or isn't) holding up that mirror to us. That, I believe, is what we really want. The mistake we make is when we start depending on a person to hold up that mirror for us. And when they stop, we feel that we've lost a part of our identity. It's not them we're missing. It's the way they make us feel about ourselves that is so crushing to lose.
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Old 19th October 2017, 7:27 AM   #34
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It has to be self esteem issues. I know heís not a good man/husband.. He and I have nothing in common. Heís actually not really ďmy typeĒ (though I donít really see myself as having a type. I mean it was just my H, I wasnít looking.) Itís the attention he gave me. He likely saw my vulnerability and thought me an easy target. I donít know how I let myself get here. I know I have issues in my marriage. Issues that my H refuses to seek counseling for. Regardless, I know me falling into this A isnít the resolution.
Iím afraid of the uphill battle I have ahead of me to suck it up and stop all this. Leaving my job is not an option so the absolute NC is not an option. I have to figure out how to work with him and keep my sanity and distance. I know I sound pathetic. I donít know how itís so difficult for me to just turn it off. Itís not like I am imagining a future with him. Itís not as if I see us leaving our spouses to live happily ever after. I understand the reality of it all. I see who he is. So why do I latch onto His kindness to me. His attention. Our jokes?
Thank you everyone for your replies. They are helpful. I will return to read them over and over in hopes that they will serve as that support I am so desperately in need of.
It usually is related to self esteem, because a happy, healthy woman would not usually fall prey to this kind of thing (no disrespect intended). Truly, you are unhappy in your marriage and along comes a man who will talk and listen to you, who shows you some attention, who makes you feel some excitement, and.... The rest is history.

Have you been to talk with a counsellor? That's the thing, this is not about him, it's about you. You must figure out why YOU allowed this to happen. It would be good to get some help to do that. Best wishes.
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Old 19th October 2017, 8:01 AM   #35
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The affair started, continued, ended and celebrated its end-aniversary... yet, I got no clue if it was a lie or not.

No one knows except him, are you ready to give away your peace, dignity, time and thought for atleadt a couple of years?, then there might be a chance you will figure out.... no guarentee thou.
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Old 19th October 2017, 8:53 AM   #36
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Still here. Still struggling.
I have many moments of clarity. I understand what is going on. I can see myself for what I am. And I hate who I am and where Iíve allowed myself to be in this EA with this MM. But then Iím overwhelmed in hope and lovesick ridiculousness when Iím around him or when we text.
So I tried NC. We chat in an app that is more discreet. So i blocked him. He immediately sent me a phone text asking if I deleted him. I fought the urge to reply but i ended up replying. I felt I had to as I knew we would see one another at work. I wanted to avoid conflict. We didnít speak at work. It was so uncomfortable. We work in very close proximity. We have to exchange words which we did relating to our job. But otherwise passing him in the hall broke my heart.
After work we started texting and discussing what was going on. He told me how much he cares for me but heís willing to let me go. He told me it is my decision and he understands if I need to end this. He said heíd rather be friends than nothing at all. And then he left it up to me on an ending note. Told me heíd be around if I needed to text. I didnít intend to.
First thing next day he contacted me. And we text for hours. About us and how much he cares for me. And how heíd never hurt me.
Iím torn. I want to believe him. But then I know I shouldnít.
I chose that we not speak for a couple of days. 3 days. And although I can still linger on hope of our great conversation, I am missing him terribly on day 1.
I feel obsessed and irrational.
Can someone intentionally say all these things for their own benefit?
Can someone be so deceiving and lie about their feelings?
Or is he caught up in the fog and mistakenly confusing infatuation with these feelings he claims to have?
I seem to know my answer. But I just have to say this somewhere. Before I drive myself insane.
You are already hurting ....so his point of not hurting you ever is mute .The only way you stop hurting is if he leaves his wife immediately and starts a life with you .

Where is he at about that?

Also if you notice the whole line about I leave it up to you ...its your decision. I am here for you if you need to text ....
is very subtle but he is not taking responsibility but putting it on you to take that decision so tomorrow when you pressure he says hey it was your decision you knew I was married.

Yes mm having affairs can intentionally say this for their benefit .
HE is married as in a committed legal relationship with someone else .
How else can he get you in?
Would a I am married I am not leaving my wife .I love her but am looking to have some fun with you on the side without pressure do the trick.

Please do not consider being friend with this guy.

Plus what do you want when you ask us is someone capable of deceiving and lying about their feelings?

What do you think he is doing to his wife ...lying and deceiving for his own agenda

Do you really believe he will not do that to you because this feels like crazy love

HE is lying .deceiving ..he does feel an attraction and wants to pursue his own agenda .
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Old 19th October 2017, 10:46 AM   #37
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Are you kidding me??!? His FEELINGS??!? He's a GUY. Guys who act like this (pouring attention on you) will say ANYTHING to get you into bed with them. Married or single or anywhere in between, that is their singular goal. Feelings are fickle and treacherous, especially in a guy. They don't care what they're saying, except as far as it helps them reach their ultimate goal -- getting you into bed. Once they're done with you, their feelings "magically" change toward you. That mountain's been climbed. They get restless for the next adventure.

If you value yourself at all, don't be that mountain! Whatever you do - Don't give it up.

EDIT: Oh! I see Ruffian beat me to it.

Not all men are like this ^^^
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Old 19th October 2017, 11:23 AM   #38
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Grasshopper, it doesn't matter if he means what he says.


My MM loves me. He shows it all the time. But he won't choose me. So his love doesn't matter. Because as much as he loves me, he chose his W. And it doesn't matter why he chose her. All that matters is that when it came down to it, he did not leave.


Your MM says he doesn't want to hurt you but he knows he is. He doesn't care because your pain is an ego boost for him.


You can't go NC, fine, I understand that you can't quit your job. But you can go LC. In other words, if its not work related, you don't talk to him. If he sends you these long emotional texts respond with 1 word, "Stop". Nothing else. If he slips something emotional into a work text, respond to the work portion and completely ignore the emotion crap. Give him a blank wall. Eventually he will find someone else to torture.


When you get into ANY relationship that causes you to say the words, I hate myself. It is time to pop smoke.


You deserve better. But you won't get it until you decide that you wont accept less.


As to your H. If he won't go to therapy with you, go by yourself. If your M can and should be fixed, work on that, if it can't or shouldn't be fixed, work on leaving it with your dignity intact.
Excellent post.

Like I said in your other thread, you have a choice. Your choice is who YOU want to be moving forward. Your choice is how YOU will react to whatever MM sends your way. Your choice is how YOU will handle your H and your marriage. Who do you want to be? A person with dignity? Or a person who cheats? Focus your energy on YOU and what choices YOU can make moving forward. Good luck.
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Old 19th October 2017, 12:50 PM   #39
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After work we started texting and discussing what was going on. He told me how much he cares for me but heís willing to let me go. He told me it is my decision and he understands if I need to end this. He said heíd rather be friends than nothing at all. And then he left it up to me on an ending note. Told me heíd be around if I needed to text. I didnít intend to.
You have to see the manipulation and his own personal selfish goals in this message exchange.

By you leaving and going NC his ego is bruised, he is feeling less wanted, more discarded, less worthy. Instead of accepting this outcome he has to guilt, make it your fault for not "being friends", or leave it to you to come rushing back into the affair and giving him the ultimate ego boost of you need him, he is desirable, and he is in control. And this cycle will continue because you feel the same way and that desire to respond is your way of getting your self esteem, ego, and worth repaired by feeling wanted and needed. So what stops this cycle? Because it won't end until you realize that you don't need to be in an affair to have self esteem, self worth, and be loved. Become the better person. Know your worth.
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Old 19th October 2017, 1:04 PM   #40
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Is he (MM) lying or does he mean what hes saying ?
Simple answer to your question. It is an affair. His desire is to have fun, feel desired, wanted, and less all the drama that a real relationship endures that include finances, kids, responsibilities, accountability, etc.. An affair acts like a drug, he doesn't have to account for his actions with his affair partner because his affair partner (you) know he has an wife and family so when he has to deal with real life stress he can blow you off and then spend only the "good energy" inside the affair for that drug high he experiences. How does he do this by lying to himself about how he feels about you. Makes the relationship with you feel real by telling himself you have so much in common, etc.. Drinking the cool aid.

But what happens when the curtain falls and real life crashes into this fantasy affair life? Will he stay or will he go?

And if he stays with you over his wife, what happens when your relationship with him is now that real life? And then he needs the same drug high and fantasy land he had with you to fill that same hole inside him. But now in comes a new employee or woman in his life and you are now the "original betrayed spouse". Because remember he made a vow and promise to his original wife in front of friends and family, so what makes you different? This is what is broken. He is in a sense addicted to two different ways of having a relationship / love and will maintain this order with a forked tongue.

And now think on the opposite what happens when his wife demands NC and he cuts you off 1000% to save his family and he realizes he was drinking this cool aid and the affair high was fantasy? Now you are hurt with abandonment and no more "friend". What is a friend?

In which of these outcomes do you not get hurt in the long run?

If he loved you he wouldn't do this to you!!! Or his wife and family. Actions speak louder than words. Look at the actions.

Last edited by Sampson; 19th October 2017 at 1:14 PM..
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Old 19th October 2017, 2:52 PM   #41
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Still here. Still struggling.
I have many moments of clarity. I understand what is going on. I can see myself for what I am. And I hate who I am and where Iíve allowed myself to be in this EA with this MM. But then Iím overwhelmed in hope and lovesick ridiculousness when Iím around him or when we text.
So I tried NC. We chat in an app that is more discreet. So i blocked him. He immediately sent me a phone text asking if I deleted him. I fought the urge to reply but i ended up replying. I felt I had to as I knew we would see one another at work. I wanted to avoid conflict. We didnít speak at work. It was so uncomfortable. We work in very close proximity. We have to exchange words which we did relating to our job. But otherwise passing him in the hall broke my heart.
After work we started texting and discussing what was going on. He told me how much he cares for me but heís willing to let me go. He told me it is my decision and he understands if I need to end this. He said heíd rather be friends than nothing at all. And then he left it up to me on an ending note. Told me heíd be around if I needed to text. I didnít intend to.
First thing next day he contacted me. And we text for hours. About us and how much he cares for me. And how heíd never hurt me.
Iím torn. I want to believe him. But then I know I shouldnít.
I chose that we not speak for a couple of days. 3 days. And although I can still linger on hope of our great conversation, I am missing him terribly on day 1.
I feel obsessed and irrational.
Can someone intentionally say all these things for their own benefit?
Can someone be so deceiving and lie about their feelings?
Or is he caught up in the fog and mistakenly confusing infatuation with these feelings he claims to have?
I seem to know my answer. But I just have to say this somewhere. Before I drive myself insane.
The clue into where his mind is at is..." He told me how much he cares for me but heís willing to let me go. He told me it is my decision and he understands if I need to end this." Translation... he has already given himself permission to break his marital boundaries, the question is, will you help him do so? You've opened the door to him, instead of immediately slamming it shut upon entry. He knows what he wants, so there is no reason for him to quit texting you, or flittering with you at work. What you're feeling now is the limmerance stage, several individuals have wrote about this stage & how it effects individuals in affairs on other postings.

The two of you "work in close contact... proximity," so before this goes pear shape, you need to think about/ ask yourself can you still work there? Often it is the man who stays in the workplace and the woman who ends up having to leave.

The logical part of you knows its an irrational action. The ball is in your court, you just have to make up your mind if you wish to pursue it at a full run down the court into the rabbit hole.
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Old 19th October 2017, 3:27 PM   #42
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grass-hopper, I understand you feel torn here, but you can never know what someone else is thinking or what their feelings are. All you can go by is what they tell you and what they show you. You can only know for certain what you are thinking and feeling.

As far as any of us are concerned, his actions aren't matching his words.

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He told me how much he cares for me but he’s willing to let me go. He told me it is my decision and he understands if I need to end this. He said he’d rather be friends than nothing at all. And then he left it up to me on an ending note. Told me he’d be around if I needed to text. I didn’t intend to.
First thing next day he contacted me. And we text for hours. About us and how much he cares for me. And how he’d never hurt me.
Based on what you wrote, he is willing to let you go rather than take any action on his end to be with you, which I assume is what you want. But you cannot have that since you are actually a married woman. If he were willing to take action, are YOU willing to turn your life upside down to be with him?

He says he understands if you need to end it. I have taken this to mean that he doesn't "need" to end it, and can let it go on indefinitely, so long as he isn't found out by his betrayed wife.

He says he would rather be friends, but once an affair begins, the friendship boat has sailed, and it is generally one that never returns. We mostly cannot be friends with an affair partner. I am told it is disrespectful to the betrayed, and runs the risk of rekindling the affair.

It can be hard to stop doing something that feels good to us, when there has been no "natural" end. It will be hard for him to stop talking to you, as it is hard for you to stop talking with him...

For a looooonnnnggg time, I felt responsible for my xMM's feelings and made decisions for ME based on how I thought those decisions might make him feel... even if the decisions hurt me and favored him. Not good.

He told you that he would be around for you IF you wanted that, but he busted your boundaries by reaching out to you first. He didn't wait because he didn't want to...

He is taking full advantage of the fact that YOUR words are not matching YOUR actions. I've been there, done that, too.

Mostly, you will stop when the pain outweighs the pleasure.

But remember this: after all of his talking and busting your boundaries and his "hurt" feelings, he packs his belongings into his car and drives to the home he shares with another woman (HIS wife, no doubt), spends the bulk of his time, love, and everything he has with her, and leaves you to ruminate and be completely alone - well, as alone as a married woman can be, that is.

You have asked if someone can intentionally say all these things for their own benefit. And I answer Absolutely. People have agendas, and sometimes they are hidden. Sometimes their agendas mesh with ours. But people mostly act in their own best interests. He may really feel for you, may have some care and concern or even love for you... but it is not enough to do what is best for you. That ultimately means, what is best for him will win the day. You will also have to reread the definitions of "friendship" and "kindness". You should do this so that you can be certain that he is not being those things with you, and if he is, it is likely to further his agenda. It is quite difficult to untangle a wolf in sheep's clothing; that is, doing kind things or acting like a friend while actively hurting that person - which is what he is doing, whether he is fully aware of it or not.

This may really hurt, and I am being sincere (I promise),but can you consider the possibility (may or may not be fact) that he carries on with you in this manner at work and on a virtual level because he is bored? Consider the worst possible thing to counteract your own ideas. How would you feel about him and the situation if the antithesis of what you think and feel were the truth? Doing this is partially how I was able to lift myself out of my own affair fog.

What do you think will happen if you clue in your husband?

Last edited by Vivir; 19th October 2017 at 3:52 PM..
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Old 19th October 2017, 6:39 PM   #43
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Not all men are like this ^^^
You're probably right. I can only speak from my own experience. Just all the guys (straight ones, anyway) I've ever met, or seen, who zoom in on a woman like what this MM is doing to the OP. They are all the same.
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Old 20th October 2017, 1:38 AM   #44
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What do you think will happen if you clue in your husband?
He would leave me, of course. And with good reason.

I know. Itís a mess. I read all these things about him lying and being deceitful and a wolf in sheepís clothing and how heís using me. And i read what i write. And I think, Iím just as bad as him. Iím lying and deceitful too. I appreciate everyoneís words. They are helping me see things and understand the lies I am eating up.

I made it through day 2 NC much easier than day 1. But still I know I will see him in 2 days. That might be getting me through this. It is true though. Complete NC is the answer. Itís unfortunate that I canít leave the workplace.
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Old 20th October 2017, 10:40 AM   #45
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He would leave me, of course. And with good reason.

I know. It’s a mess. I read all these things about him lying and being deceitful and a wolf in sheep’s clothing and how he’s using me. And i read what i write. And I think, I’m just as bad as him. I’m lying and deceitful too. I appreciate everyone’s words. They are helping me see things and understand the lies I am eating up.

I made it through day 2 NC much easier than day 1. But still I know I will see him in 2 days. That might be getting me through this. It is true though. Complete NC is the answer. It’s unfortunate that I can’t leave the workplace.
Why is looking for another job in order to make sure the affair is over not an option?
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