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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 16th October 2017, 1:30 AM   #16
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I found this site and posted and read through several threads and responses to my own. And deep down inside i know what I have to do. But somehow I donít. I keep on replying to his messages. I keep on hoping and waiting. My heart still skips a beat when he messages me and replies. And sends me sweet nothings out of the blue during our conversation about nothing. ďI really like you a lot. I care about you. Blah blah blahĒ
And i convince myself that he really cares. I convince myself i am different. But deep down inside i know Iím not. Itís wishful thinking.
Iím scared of not knowing that feeling of him wanting me. Iím scared of missing a message. Iím scared of having to come to terms of the realization of what i am doing. And dealing with that self realization scares me. I donít know how i will deal with it.
I know he talks to OW at work. I know Iím not the only one. Iíve see him engaged in his phone. Smiling. Why do I wish I was them? What is he giving them really? False hopes. Those same false hopes he gives me.
And why would I accept this? Who am I? How could I let this man destroy me?
Why do I still want him?
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Old 16th October 2017, 1:50 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
How could I let this man destroy me?
The sad thing about your situation is you are destroying yourself. The longer you act like you don't have control over yourself and your destiny, the deeper you will dig the hole you're in.

What happened to "I DO love my H "? The only thing that hurts more than the betrayal of an affair is the deception to facilitate the affair. That deception lives and grows stronger every day you look your H in the eye and maintain your secret.
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Old 16th October 2017, 9:33 AM   #18
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The sad thing about your situation is you are destroying yourself. The longer you act like you don't have control over yourself and your destiny, the deeper you will dig the hole you're in.

What happened to "I DO love my H "?.
Malvern. You are correct. This is me acting like I have no control when In reality that what i do have control of is me. Not him. Not his actions. That isnít for me to control. Just me and my own actions. At this moment I am clear headed and determined. Thank you for your reply

As for your question about my love for my H. I do love him. Thatís not a doubt. But I am in some serious need for IC. I know I walked into this A because of a lack of something in my marriage. Iíve asked him for us to attend counseling. His reply ďI donít believe in thatĒ. After statements that he is only with me for kids. If I put things into perspective. I have a whole bunch of issues to resolve.
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Old 18th October 2017, 6:56 PM   #19
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Is he (MM) lying or does he mean what hes saying ?

Still here. Still struggling.
I have many moments of clarity. I understand what is going on. I can see myself for what I am. And I hate who I am and where Iíve allowed myself to be in this EA with this MM. But then Iím overwhelmed in hope and lovesick ridiculousness when Iím around him or when we text.
So I tried NC. We chat in an app that is more discreet. So i blocked him. He immediately sent me a phone text asking if I deleted him. I fought the urge to reply but i ended up replying. I felt I had to as I knew we would see one another at work. I wanted to avoid conflict. We didnít speak at work. It was so uncomfortable. We work in very close proximity. We have to exchange words which we did relating to our job. But otherwise passing him in the hall broke my heart.
After work we started texting and discussing what was going on. He told me how much he cares for me but heís willing to let me go. He told me it is my decision and he understands if I need to end this. He said heíd rather be friends than nothing at all. And then he left it up to me on an ending note. Told me heíd be around if I needed to text. I didnít intend to.
First thing next day he contacted me. And we text for hours. About us and how much he cares for me. And how heíd never hurt me.
Iím torn. I want to believe him. But then I know I shouldnít.
I chose that we not speak for a couple of days. 3 days. And although I can still linger on hope of our great conversation, I am missing him terribly on day 1.
I feel obsessed and irrational.
Can someone intentionally say all these things for their own benefit?
Can someone be so deceiving and lie about their feelings?
Or is he caught up in the fog and mistakenly confusing infatuation with these feelings he claims to have?
I seem to know my answer. But I just have to say this somewhere. Before I drive myself insane.
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Old 18th October 2017, 7:19 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
Still here. Still struggling.
I have many moments of clarity. I understand what is going on. I can see myself for what I am. And I hate who I am and where Iíve allowed myself to be in this EA with this MM. But then Iím overwhelmed in hope and lovesick ridiculousness when Iím around him or when we text.
So I tried NC. We chat in an app that is more discreet. So i blocked him. He immediately sent me a phone text asking if I deleted him. I fought the urge to reply but i ended up replying. I felt I had to as I knew we would see one another at work. I wanted to avoid conflict. We didnít speak at work. It was so uncomfortable. We work in very close proximity. We have to exchange words which we did relating to our job. But otherwise passing him in the hall broke my heart.
After work we started texting and discussing what was going on. He told me how much he cares for me but heís willing to let me go. He told me it is my decision and he understands if I need to end this. He said heíd rather be friends than nothing at all. And then he left it up to me on an ending note. Told me heíd be around if I needed to text. I didnít intend to.
First thing next day he contacted me. And we text for hours. About us and how much he cares for me. And how heíd never hurt me.
Iím torn. I want to believe him. But then I know I shouldnít.
I chose that we not speak for a couple of days. 3 days. And although I can still linger on hope of our great conversation, I am missing him terribly on day 1.
I feel obsessed and irrational.
Can someone intentionally say all these things for their own benefit?
Can someone be so deceiving and lie about their feelings?
Or is he caught up in the fog and mistakenly confusing infatuation with these feelings he claims to have?
I seem to know my answer. But I just have to say this somewhere. Before I drive myself insane.
If he truly cared about you, and doesn't want to be with his wife, he'd end his marriage and be with you.

Words mean nothing, actions mean everything.

Get out before it gets physical and 3000 times harder.
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Old 18th October 2017, 7:47 PM   #21
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Who knows. But every bit of energy you spend trying to "figure out" MM and try to ascertain MM's behaviour towards you is only pulling you deeper into this. And is energy you should be applying towards your family.
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You'll thank me for saying that later.
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Old 18th October 2017, 8:04 PM   #22
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Mm

Run. Run like Bambi's mother. He does not care about you. He only cares about what he can get from you. When he is done? He still has his wife.

A true man would not cheat on his wife. A true man wouldn't make excuses as to why he cannot leave his wife [money, house, children, etc.] A true man would leave his wife, THEN start dating again. Any man who strings a girl along with excuses, and then says, "If you want to end it, I'll understand..." is not the kind of man any girl needs.

You are being used. Get away from him. He will only be drama and heartache.
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Old 18th October 2017, 8:07 PM   #23
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Quote:
Can someone intentionally say all these things for their own benefit?
Can someone be so deceiving and lie about their feelings?

YES, YES THEY CAN.
and people do it all the time.

Especially married men looking for an A.
Men lie to women about their feeling ALL THE TIME to get what they want.

Repeat that over and over to yourself until it sinks in.


He said he would never hurt you?? lol He already has.
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Old 18th October 2017, 8:32 PM   #24
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being a side-piece is no good, check your self-esteem, or your need to avoid available men, so many single guys to see, and you pick this MM ...
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Old 18th October 2017, 8:33 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
Can someone intentionally say all these things for their own benefit?
Can someone be so deceiving and lie about their feelings?
Or is he caught up in the fog and mistakenly confusing infatuation with these feelings he claims to have?
Are you kidding me??!? His FEELINGS??!? He's a GUY. Guys who act like this (pouring attention on you) will say ANYTHING to get you into bed with them. Married or single or anywhere in between, that is their singular goal. Feelings are fickle and treacherous, especially in a guy. They don't care what they're saying, except as far as it helps them reach their ultimate goal -- getting you into bed. Once they're done with you, their feelings "magically" change toward you. That mountain's been climbed. They get restless for the next adventure.

If you value yourself at all, don't be that mountain! Whatever you do - Don't give it up.

EDIT: Oh! I see Ruffian beat me to it.
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Old 18th October 2017, 9:55 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
Still here. Still struggling.
I have many moments of clarity. I understand what is going on. I can see myself for what I am. And I hate who I am and where I’ve allowed myself to be in this EA with this MM. But then I’m overwhelmed in hope and lovesick ridiculousness when I’m around him or when we text.
So I tried NC. We chat in an app that is more discreet. So i blocked him. He immediately sent me a phone text asking if I deleted him. I fought the urge to reply but i ended up replying. I felt I had to as I knew we would see one another at work. I wanted to avoid conflict. We didn’t speak at work. It was so uncomfortable. We work in very close proximity. We have to exchange words which we did relating to our job. But otherwise passing him in the hall broke my heart.
After work we started texting and discussing what was going on. He told me how much he cares for me but he’s willing to let me go. He told me it is my decision and he understands if I need to end this. He said he’d rather be friends than nothing at all. And then he left it up to me on an ending note. Told me he’d be around if I needed to text. I didn’t intend to.
First thing next day he contacted me. And we text for hours. About us and how much he cares for me. And how he’d never hurt me.
I’m torn. I want to believe him. But then I know I shouldn’t.
I chose that we not speak for a couple of days. 3 days. And although I can still linger on hope of our great conversation, I am missing him terribly on day 1.
I feel obsessed and irrational.
Can someone intentionally say all these things for their own benefit?
Can someone be so deceiving and lie about their feelings?
Or is he caught up in the fog and mistakenly confusing infatuation with these feelings he claims to have?
I seem to know my answer. But I just have to say this somewhere. Before I drive myself insane.
If you ever start questioning how he can do what he’s doing to you, just remind yourself what he’s doing to his wife and family..that’s what I did.
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Old 18th October 2017, 10:20 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
Can someone intentionally say all these things for their own benefit?
Can someone be so deceiving and lie about their feelings?
Or is he caught up in the fog and mistakenly confusing infatuation with these feelings he claims to have?
In my humble opinion, these are all the wrong questions to ask, and their "answers" are irrelevant. Your situation isn't about this other person. It's about who you are, and more importantly, who you want to be. You don't get to be who you want to be by being a slave to someone else's "feelings". Master your emotions, or they will enslave you and lead you down a path of no return. The choice is yours.
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Old 18th October 2017, 10:30 PM   #28
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He told me how much he cares for me but he’s willing to let me go. He told me it is my decision and he understands if I need to end this.
First thing next day he contacted me. And we text for hours. About us and how much he cares for me. And how he’d never hurt me.
I’m torn. I want to believe him. But then I know I shouldn’t.
Your post reminds me of the children fairytale, Hansel and Gretal - "come closer into my house, my lovelies..."

He is slowly drawing you into his house...

Darling, people who truly love you want the best for you. He says that he would never hurt you... but, he already has.
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Old 18th October 2017, 10:49 PM   #29
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And then he left it up to me on an ending note. Told me heíd be around if I needed to text. I didnít intend to.
First thing next day he contacted me.
This guy can't even keep his word for one day! Why would you believe anything he says?
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Old 18th October 2017, 10:49 PM   #30
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If the two of you aren't willing to be honest with your spouse and ready to walk away from Marriages why does it matter if what he is saying is true?

It only matters if you're interested in ending Marriages. Otherwise, you're acting like a couple high school kids with adult consequences looming
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