LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > The Other Man / Woman

Almost buried in this A


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

Like Tree151Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 13th October 2017, 3:34 AM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 34
Almost buried in this A

I stumbled upon this site in a desperate search for my own salvation in endless online searches for self help of a wayward spouse.
I am a MW in what I will call an emotional A with a MM. that statement is shameful. It is a co-worker. Go figure
He pursued me. And I the obvious insecure woman fell for it. He flirted for weeks and then found an opportunity that I just wasnít strong enough to walk away from. I succumbed to his advances and allowed him to kiss me. And I recall the intense fear and anxiety that followed that day but here we are 4 months in and countless passionate kisses later. He went from just kissing me in secluded corners and flirting at work to now daily texts and professing ďfeelingsĒ. Which I assume to be his tactics and ploys as I have come to find out this is his track record.
At one point I ended and he didnít protest. But somehow his texts then became more frequent and I found myself back in his arms and I am disgusted but at the same time infatuated. I canít let go. I think of him everyday. I look forward to shifts we work together. He consumes my every thought.
Nonetheless I am here because I feel the need for support in ending this and keeping my sanity. I know I will have moments of withdrawal and sadness but it canít be anything unlike the roller coaster of what I already go through on a daily basis through this A.
I DO love my H. Despite problems that I need to work through within our marriage obviously. I know this A could never go beyond what it is: A major mistake. But itís what I feel. The emotional attachment. Or the need.
I have read posts and see the first step is NC. And I canít even fathom how to get there because of my obvious co-dependency issues and because it is a coworker.
I anticipate backlash. But really I am here for guidance and support to improve and move forward.
grass-hopper is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th October 2017, 3:55 AM   #2
Established Member
 
sandylee1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5,920
Look into getting another job. That may be the only way for you to go no contact.

Another motivator is thinking what you have to loose if you're husband finds out.

Are the consequences worth it?

Would you be able to hold your head up when your family find out about it?

It's not worth the risk.
__________________
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
sandylee1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th October 2017, 4:01 AM   #3
Established Member
 
misspalmy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 190
I think the only way our going to free yourself is to tell your hubby, i know its a big risk but living in a affair is not heathy, i know i been the ow really hit my mental heath ig that wasnt worth it, I hurt alot of people but was worth telling his wife as im free now no more lies.
misspalmy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th October 2017, 5:29 AM   #4
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 24
I have no words of wisdom for you as I'm just at the start of something myself (nowhere near the stage you're at), and I wish he'd just p1ss off out of my head.

Good luck and stay strong!
lusting is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th October 2017, 6:41 AM   #5
Established Member
 
1966Seahorse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: In a Land of Rainbows & Unicorns
Posts: 117
Hi grass-hopper,

You say:-

" ... I succumbed to his advances and allowed him to kiss me ..."

" ... but here we are 4 months in and countless passionate kisses later ..."

You describe this as an emotional affair .... however, it has obviously turned physical.

If you aren't able to put a stop to the "attachment" you have with your co-worker then maybe, as sandylee1 said, you need to seek alternative employment.

You further say his texts also became more frequent - if you want to put things in hand to stop this situation then why not delete his number AND block him from calls/texts/whatsapp?

I can only suggest you concentrate more on your husband, who you say you love. Whether that be sitting down and talking your marital issues through or attending marriage counselling.

This infatuation is not worth risking losing the husband you love.

Good luck xx

Last edited by 1966Seahorse; 13th October 2017 at 6:43 AM.. Reason: spelling mistake!
1966Seahorse is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th October 2017, 8:15 AM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,342
If you've honestly gone no further than kissing, telling your husband isn't mandatory IMO as long as you can manage to actually bring an end to it, full no-contact.

Why? Well, because unfortunately there's a very strong likelihood that he won't believe you haven't done more than that. And if he's furious and demanding that you confess to something you haven't done, leaving you stuck between making a false confession or having him hate you and denounce you as a liar, this is going to make a small crack in the marriage turn into an absolute war.

But first things first, you need to put an end to this.

Write down a list of all the reasons why this is a terrible idea. You do already know in your head that this affair is never going to be good for you, but you need a touchstone to refer to and remind yourself.

Make a plan to end all contact between this man and yourself. At the least you need to block texts and social media contact. If you have a sympathetic supervisor you might be able to ask for a certain amount of assignment juggling to minimise how much you come across each other. (If you have a VERY sympathetic supervisor you might be able to make a sexual harassment complaint, but that has its own risks!)

A new job might be needed but that's hard to do quickly.
somanymistakes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th October 2017, 8:59 AM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Deep South, USA
Posts: 683
Quote:
Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
He pursued me. And I the obvious insecure woman fell for it. He flirted for weeks and then found an opportunity that I just wasnít strong enough to walk away from. I succumbed to his advances and allowed him to kiss me. And I recall the intense fear and anxiety that followed that day but here we are 4 months in and countless passionate kisses later. He went from just kissing me in secluded corners and flirting at work to now daily texts and professing ďfeelingsĒ. Which I assume to be his tactics and ploys as I have come to find out this is his track record.

Nonetheless I am here because I feel the need for support in ending this and keeping my sanity.

I anticipate backlash. But really I am here for guidance and support to improve and move forward.
First step - accept your active role in this affair, as opposed to passive role as you describe throughout your post! Your comments make the MM sound like a sexual predator and you're just an innocent lamb that fell into his snare. If you truly believe that he is this aggressive womanizing serial cheater, then you would be able to tell him to go to hell.... and mean it.

The challenge in accepting your active role is it requires you to see yourself as you really are: an unfaithful wife. Making MM out as the big bad wolf allows you to view yourself as a "good wife" that is the victim in this situation. You are not a victim.
Betrayed&Stayed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th October 2017, 9:07 AM   #8
New Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2
Dear Grass-Hopper,
Iíve read many, many posts and never responded but I feel I must respond to you to help you bypass a possible catastrophe. Iím asking you to reconsider the consequences of the full blown physical affair. The emotional portion might seem gratifying, but the consequences can affect you and your family the rest of your lives. The other man is an opportunist and has affected your emotional equilibrium. You are unbalanced, and you must gain some clarity. Reflect back on the good times with you and your husband and also your children (if you have them). Try to gaze into the future and see the enormous, wonderful possibilities you have with your husband (only if you transfer the same amount of energy you have a place on this A to your husband and family). Call a counselor to help you navigate through all of this. Lastly and most importantly, talk to your husband and tell him your concerns. Your husband can be the hidden gem to help you through this entire process. Remember, your husband is your protector! He has committed to protecting you from both physical and emotional harm. He canít protect if he doesnít know the threat exists.
Dreamer
Dreamer2017 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th October 2017, 9:25 AM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,342
Quote:
Originally Posted by Betrayed&Stayed View Post
First step - accept your active role in this affair, as opposed to passive role as you describe throughout your post! Your comments make the MM sound like a sexual predator and you're just an innocent lamb that fell into his snare. If you truly believe that he is this aggressive womanizing serial cheater, then you would be able to tell him to go to hell.... and mean it.

The challenge in accepting your active role is it requires you to see yourself as you really are: an unfaithful wife. Making MM out as the big bad wolf allows you to view yourself as a "good wife" that is the victim in this situation. You are not a victim.
A serial sexual harasser who targets multiple women at the workplace and pressures them into relationships IS a big bad wolf.

Victims do not have to be perfect saints to be victims.

Yes, it is important for her to acknowledge that she has a choice in what she did in the past and in what she does now. That does NOT require trying to convince her that the whole thing is her fault. You don't know that. I don't know that.

Time and time again, bosses, mentors, professors, directors, producers, etc - put moves on women. Often these women are in relationships already. Often, they 'know better'. Often, for a variety of complicated reasons, they go along with things, at least a little bit, rather than telling the guy to go straight to hell. That doesn't mean they were actively seeking it!

Being the victim of a serial harasser doesn't mean that you can just curl up and go "Oh well, poor innocent me, nothing I can do about it now" either. Being a victim doesn't mean you can't fight. Being a victim means you need to fight. To save yourself. Because, most likely, nobody else is going to do it.
somanymistakes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th October 2017, 9:37 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4,127
Listen, if your goal is a stronger Marriage, then confession is a must. Confession is also a risk, your husband could simply walk away. To be honest, despite what impression you may get from this site and others like it, most men do just walk away.

If you pay attention here, the MW that confess tend to work through these things at a faster pace. You could say that because they confessed it shows that they are truly wanting to move past it. I'm not sure about that. What I am sure about is that confession shows they are willing to face the consequences of those actions. It show that she is willing to be proactive. That is what your husband will need to get through.

To this point, from the point of view for many men your affair has been "that bad" more of a high school crush kind of thing.

So here is you are, at a crossroad. You can either be proactive and take strong actions to end this situation by looking for a new job going no contact and confession, or you can continue to justify your passive actions and get yourself deeper into this mess.
DKT3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th October 2017, 9:40 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4,127
Quote:
Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
A serial sexual harasser who targets multiple women at the workplace and pressures them into relationships IS a big bad wolf.

Victims do not have to be perfect saints to be victims.

Yes, it is important for her to acknowledge that she has a choice in what she did in the past and in what she does now. That does NOT require trying to convince her that the whole thing is her fault. You don't know that. I don't know that.

Time and time again, bosses, mentors, professors, directors, producers, etc - put moves on women. Often these women are in relationships already. Often, they 'know better'. Often, for a variety of complicated reasons, they go along with things, at least a little bit, rather than telling the guy to go straight to hell. That doesn't mean they were actively seeking it!

Being the victim of a serial harasser doesn't mean that you can just curl up and go "Oh well, poor innocent me, nothing I can do about it now" either. Being a victim doesn't mean you can't fight. Being a victim means you need to fight. To save yourself. Because, most likely, nobody else is going to do it.
It doesn't matter if they are seeking it or going along, at the end of the day it's her fault because she is the one betraying her family. Not the man she is doing it with. It's her responsibility to protect her marriage and family. That is pretty clear.
DKT3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th October 2017, 9:52 AM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Deep South, USA
Posts: 683
Quote:
Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
A serial sexual harasser who targets multiple women at the workplace and pressures them into relationships IS a big bad wolf.
Who said he was harassing her? The OP didn't. I've never heard of a victim of sexual harassment be infatuated with the perpetrator and look forward to more interaction.

"...but at the same time infatuated. I canít let go. I think of him everyday. I look forward to shifts we work together. He consumes my every thought."

She's not a victim. That's her cognitive dissonance kicking for self-preservation of her self-identify of being a "good" person.
Betrayed&Stayed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th October 2017, 11:52 AM   #13
Established Member
 
Bittersweetie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 720
After my d-day, my H said this to me: "You were the one person who was supposed to have my back. And you didn't."

I have never forgotten that statement because he was right. My H put his trust in me, his faith in me, and I was betraying him. It was a horrible choice and one that I regret every day.

You have a choice. What kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to be someone who betrays, who obsesses, who kisses someone else? Or do you want to be someone who lives honestly and authentically? Starting down the honest path will not be easy, it will take every ounce of strength you have. But it is worth it.

Take it one day at a time. In the morning, tell yourself: today I will not think of AP. I will not engage with him. Today is the day I will be strong for myself. And soon, days will add up to weeks, add up to months. You can do this...you can handle one day. GL.
__________________
~ What you allow, is what will continue. ~
Bittersweetie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th October 2017, 12:55 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 325
Quote:
Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
I DO love my H.... But really I am here for guidance and support to improve and move forward.
If these sentiments are true, then the path forward for you is relatively straight forward. Straight forward doesn't mean easy though.

The most important things you have to do are:

1. Tell your husband what has been going on. Tell it all and tell it true. Don't minimize it or leave out details in order to "protect" him. Preserve all evidence. He deserves to know the truth and to be able to make a decision for himself on how he wants to move forward.

2. No contact with the other man is non negotiable. I would even go as far as to encourage you to get another job asap. This man is a cancer to your marriage, and he must be completely obliterated from your life if your marriage to stand a chance.

3. Get yourself into IC in order to find out why you were willing to accept intimate affection from someone other than your spouse. To be sure, your marriage played no part in your decision to stray. Finding out your whys will help you develop better coping mechanisms which will better protect your marriage.

4. Do not try to control the outcome. Focus on working on yourself. It is very hard work, but the pay off is worth it. A better version of yourself (with or without your husband).

Good luck OP.
malvern99 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th October 2017, 2:02 PM   #15
Established Member
 
sandylee1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5,920
This isn't a case of sexual harassment. It's a case of the OP caving to a serial cheat.


A simple "I'm married, I love my husband and I'm not interested" would have shut this down.

If that didn't stop it then "I'll report this to HR"..would have done the trick.

None of the above happened. Women (most) aren't feeble and helpless. Let's give females more credit than that.

I'm not convinced confession is a must ... but counselling is a must ... as is NC.
sandylee1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
buried my heart alive blackfire Dating 2 22nd July 2014 2:06 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 5:35 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.