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Just ended my affair,... tormented by grief


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 30th October 2017, 1:09 PM   #46
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I'm left wondering if her "feeling" would be remorse instead of grief - IF she'd been caught.

You have grief... that's all about you. That's what got you into this to begin with - thinking too much of how you feel.

Tell your H of your affair. That may instigate some changes.


You also say he has issues - YOU have issues too... or you wouldn't have cheated. Get help for YOUR own issues. Tell the truth to your H.
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Old 30th October 2017, 3:52 PM   #47
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Hm, not sure about this. I don't know how easy it would be. I doubt the majority of women would be interested.
How would they know? MM lie.
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Old 30th October 2017, 10:39 PM   #48
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How would they know? MM lie.
Just going by my own experience I guess. I knew that he put a lot of time and effort into grooming me. It seemed to me he was fairly discriminating though, in that he was super paranoid about getting a disease, and I think he wanted to find someone he could trust.

I'm sure there are some out there who play the field, and mine, well, I guess he was always trolling for what he could get. But once he got a hook in, he reeled in veeery slowly.

Some may lie initially but eventually the OW is going to find out. It would take a pretty sly guy (and maybe an especially gullible woman) to pull off the single guy act in the long term. I believe most want to find someone with weak boundaries who can be cajoled into a taboo relationship. So much simpler not to have to lie.
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Old 31st October 2017, 2:04 AM   #49
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I agree. I was a WW. My H and I were going through a rough patch too, and I thought I could have xAP to fill in the gaps. But in reality it just muddied the waters. The A does impact all relationships, even if no one else knows.

So what kind of person do you want to be then OP? The kind of person who stands with their spouse and marriage when the tough times come? Who faces things head on? Or the kind of person who secretly escapes with another man? It's your choice.

As someone who has BTDT...the affection, warmth, etc...is not worth the pain. Especially the pain of a d-day.

GL.
Thanks for this encouragement. Iím having a hard time not reaching out this evening, and your words are exactly what I need to hear. I know the A is just a temporary salve for larger issues, and truly, is no replacement for real connection despite the excitement of affection and warmth. Itís just hard swimming upstream some days. Thanks for your support.
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Old 31st October 2017, 2:12 AM   #50
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I remember this feeling. I broke my own self-imposed NC several times, and each time it felt great... initially. I finally realized a few things:

- He's going to take me back every time, because he really doesn't care about my turmoil. It's just a chance for more NSA sex (or ego boosts) for him. Who wouldn't turn that down?

- Each time I go back, he's going to treat me worse than before. In the meantime, he has been looking for other sources of supply. One day you may return to find he already has another OW.

- This is an addiction, and as with all addictions it takes time, and a conscious decision not to act. The best (only?) method is to end it once and for all. Ghosting didn't work for me. I felt too bad about it. I finally told him that I was done and that I didn't consider us to be friends. I asked him to delete my contact info and he complied.

- You don't have to be 100% sure about ending it. You know it's wrong, you know that eventually the cycle will repeat and you'll end up feeling horrible about it. You know that it's causing harm to others. But your mind and body are craving this drug, and that makes you rationalize. It's ok to want, it's ok to have these feelings, and you should let yourself feel them. But it's not ok to act. You have to go through the motions of not being involved with this guy until the addictive feelings pass.

It will get better. I'm 4 months out and I no longer feel any desire to contact this guy. More frequently these days I wonder what the hell I was ever thinking in getting involved with him. You'll be ok. Initially you'll feel like you can't live without him, but you can and you will.
I think youíre totally right, and Iím just allowing myself to indulge in the fantasy of it all. Itís hard to break from this attachment, and the idea of being perceived in a different light. It seems a lot of the appeal of As to begin with is the chance to be cast in a different version of yourself. We get stuck identifying with the person our spouse or life has deemed us to be, and an AP gives us relief from that suffocating grasp. However, the MM donít really love us either, or see us that way. Itís like two sick, desperate people projecting on each other to try and explore some aspect of change through each other.

I just hate my chemical addiction, and that this man inspires me artistically, and that I have crippling, unrealistic dreams about our impossible children,... I mean, I donít even have dreams of having children with my spouse. Why does this person have such a deep affect on me? Thatís what hurts the most; my inability to definitively cast it off as lust/addiction when it feels like real love.

(Is it?)

Sigh
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Old 31st October 2017, 2:15 AM   #51
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Originally Posted by BigBlueSky View Post
I understand how you feel, knowing that you care about one another but also realizing the impossibility of it all, and that it is ultimately unhealthy.

In my own life, the thing that I'm realizing is that we're using each other as a crutch. I'm wanting to return to the place where I can stand on my own, and that means that I need to learn how to walk without him. I'm realizing it is about me and my weaknesses. The days that I feel better about myself, I have less desire to reach out. I know he has his own things to deal with but it's not up to me to fix him.

You'll need to decide whether you're ok using him to fill the voids that you're missing in your life. It comes at a huge cost. You're married and it undoubtedly impacts the way that you interact with your husband. It impacts your relationships with others in your life as well. Start thinking about if it's worth it now and in the long run. Imagine this going on for another year, another five years. Is this leading you to where you want to be?
Thank you for your thoughtful response; it really resonates with me in this moment. Your suggestion of trying to imagine the long term implications is so touching.

We have no future. This crutch is just preventing me from finding solutions with my husband, and within myself.

I wish I could fast forward to five years from now...
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Old 31st October 2017, 9:22 AM   #52
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Thatís what hurts the most; my inability to definitively cast it off as lust/addiction when it feels like real love.

(Is it?)

Sigh
I doubt it. I remember a story I heard about two people who became attracted while married to others. They kissed once, and it scared them both so much they mutually decided to be apart from each other for good. Both went on to live happy lives with their partners, and in old age, after their partners had died, they reconnected. THAT is love. It was self-sacrificing and unselfish. The opposite of what you will find in an affair.

But, you know, there is only one way to find out for sure if this is love. You can both blow up your lives and find out.
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Old 31st October 2017, 1:40 PM   #53
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I think you’re totally right, and I’m just allowing myself to indulge in the fantasy of it all. It’s hard to break from this attachment, and the idea of being perceived in a different light. It seems a lot of the appeal of As to begin with is the chance to be cast in a different version of yourself. We get stuck identifying with the person our spouse or life has deemed us to be, and an AP gives us relief from that suffocating grasp. However, the MM don’t really love us either, or see us that way. It’s like two sick, desperate people projecting on each other to try and explore some aspect of change through each other.

I just hate my chemical addiction, and that this man inspires me artistically, and that I have crippling, unrealistic dreams about our impossible children,... I mean, I don’t even have dreams of having children with my spouse. Why does this person have such a deep affect on me? That’s what hurts the most; my inability to definitively cast it off as lust/addiction when it feels like real love.

(Is it?)

Sigh
I always thought if you love/ feel deeply about someone then:

1)It's natural to think about the future & children represent the future in most relationships
2) What is the greatest gift a woman can give besides the love to her man? It's a child. Maybe, that is why you are dreaming about having children with him, & not your H? Maybe, you are questioning unconsciously the core of what is your relationship with your H? And don't see a future with your H?

If you tell your H about what's going on, you're taking a huge risk that he might not wish to work out your relationship. So, think wisely before you do it. But, even if you decide not to tell your H, that does not mean you should not communicate about any issues the two of you may have within your relationship. Communicating problems is the first step to resolving them.

Last edited by Southwardbound; 31st October 2017 at 1:46 PM..
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Old 31st October 2017, 1:54 PM   #54
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Cindy, I want to post something...

Cindy, I want to post something... to you that I posted on another thread just like yours.

I don't know if you said that you still loved your husband or not but that may not even matter.

Just think about this....

************************************************** **

I want you to think about this from another perspective. I want you to think about how your husband is going to feel when he finds out. Odds are that he will, either someone will rat you out, or one of you will get caught and the other spouse will tell everyone, or you will feel so guilty that you confess as some have.

Now this all is based on you actually still loving your husband and him still loving you, but if that is true I want you to understand some of what will happen when he finds out.

What you will see is a man, that you at one time saw the benefit in marrying, a man that you loved and had children with...

1) You will see that man's soul die in front of your eyes. It will take a few minutes until he starts to realize what you or he is saying, but you will have the view that few people have of watching the soul of someone that you love crumble in front of your eyes. And you will know that your selfishness caused what you are seeing to happen.

2) You will see the man that you love or loved become weak in front of your eyes. Whether he was a strong man, or not so strong of a man, you will see any strength that he ever had leave him. He will wonder if he is even a man any more.

3) You will see a look of pain on his face that you did not even know existed. In fact, you will be horrified about the amount of pain that you have caused this man, that you once loved.

4) And you will see his love for you die a little too. The one woman that he worked hard for, the one woman that he loved, the one woman that he wanted to raise children with... well she screwed him over in the worst way a woman can, by giving herself to another man. The man that she gave herself to is more passionate and better in bed than her husband and you now love that man, not the man that has worked his whole life for his family.

BTW, the sex is more passionate and better because for the most part, it is new and forbidden. Not because he really is that much better, and if you had your OM in real life, what would you really have, another cheater like you.

5) You will realize at that point the you have singlehandedly destroyed your entire life with your own 2 hands.

So I would like for you to think about what I am telling you. If you think it is an exaggeration, ask some of the men here, or woman, that have been betrayed, if you have the courage.

I do wish you luck out of this mess that you are in...

***********************************************

This is what you are facing. And before you blow this advice and thought off, understand that I have been on both sides of this issue.

The things that I am telling you are real, and this is what awaits you if you continue in this affair...
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Old 1st November 2017, 12:06 PM   #55
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I want you to think about this from another perspective. I want you to think about how your husband is going to feel when he finds out. Odds are that he will, either someone will rat you out, or one of you will get caught and the other spouse will tell everyone, or you will feel so guilty that you confess as some have.

Now this all is based on you actually still loving your husband and him still loving you, but if that is true I want you to understand some of what will happen when he finds out.

What you will see is a man, that you at one time saw the benefit in marrying, a man that you loved and had children with...

1) You will see that man's soul die in front of your eyes. It will take a few minutes until he starts to realize what you or he is saying, but you will have the view that few people have of watching the soul of someone that you love crumble in front of your eyes. And you will know that your selfishness caused what you are seeing to happen.

2) You will see the man that you love or loved become weak in front of your eyes. Whether he was a strong man, or not so strong of a man, you will see any strength that he ever had leave him. He will wonder if he is even a man any more.

3) You will see a look of pain on his face that you did not even know existed. In fact, you will be horrified about the amount of pain that you have caused this man, that you once loved.

4) And you will see his love for you die a little too. The one woman that he worked hard for, the one woman that he loved, the one woman that he wanted to raise children with... well she screwed him over in the worst way a woman can, by giving herself to another man. The man that she gave herself to is more passionate and better in bed than her husband and you now love that man, not the man that has worked his whole life for his family.

BTW, the sex is more passionate and better because for the most part, it is new and forbidden. Not because he really is that much better, and if you had your OM in real life, what would you really have, another cheater like you.

5) You will realize at that point the you have singlehandedly destroyed your entire life with your own 2 hands.
OMG Blues this made me cry. Because it is exactly what I experienced. It is almost eight years later and his face is still crystal clear in my mind. The raw pain, the absolute horror in his eyes...all because of my choices.

Cindy, and others, please take these words to heart. There are no easy choices from this position but there are ones that show strength and integrity. Choose well.
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Old 1st November 2017, 2:08 PM   #56
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So proud of you for ending it. Now the trick is to stay away from him and don't go back to him. It will be the toughest thing you will ever do but you can do it.
Stay strong and save yourself future heartache. It really does get better with time, might be a year of recovery but one day he won't even cross your mind. I'm proof of this. He'll move on to a new woman on the side and you'll be better for it. He's going to hurt yet another female but thankfully you'll be long gone from his manipulating charm. He made you feel special and he'll make his next affair partner feel special but in his mind, you are just another one of his victims. He uses women to feed his ego.

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Old 2nd November 2017, 3:40 PM   #57
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I think youíre totally right, and Iím just allowing myself to indulge in the fantasy of it all. Itís hard to break from this attachment, and the idea of being perceived in a different light. It seems a lot of the appeal of As to begin with is the chance to be cast in a different version of yourself. We get stuck identifying with the person our spouse or life has deemed us to be, and an AP gives us relief from that suffocating grasp. However, the MM donít really love us either, or see us that way. Itís like two sick, desperate people projecting on each other to try and explore some aspect of change through each other.

I just hate my chemical addiction, and that this man inspires me artistically, and that I have crippling, unrealistic dreams about our impossible children,... I mean, I donít even have dreams of having children with my spouse. Why does this person have such a deep affect on me? Thatís what hurts the most; my inability to definitively cast it off as lust/addiction when it feels like real love.

(Is it?)

Sigh
It's hard to walk away when it feels like real love. However this "real love" is based upon lies, deceit and secrecy. Emotions in affairs are so intense, more intense than it would be in a normal relationship. That's the draw. Your husband can never compete with that. And yet the destruction carried in the wake of affairs are enormous. If that's what you choose, just understand what you are choosing. But if you choose to live out a life without MM, there is never a good time to do it, a less painful time to end it. In fact, the longer you leave it the more painful it will be to walk away. You just need to do it and let yourself heal. And read the stories of those that have been through it. I trust the fact that healing will be excruciating at times, but that better days will be ahead and the pain will lesson as time goes on.

Wishing you peace and strength.
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