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Just ended my affair,... tormented by grief


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 28th October 2017, 12:41 AM   #31
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Originally Posted by CindyC86 View Post
I ended my two month affair with a MM twice my age yesterday. We had a one month summer fling, then parted ways, but emailed every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I ended things because I knew we had no future, and because he only loved me as a much older man could: a prize, a foil who made him feel young and alive. I was a young fool and fell deeply in love. Though I instigated the breakup, I can't stop thinking about him. Even though I know we had little in common, and he treated me with the least amount of care possible. I know I made the right decision, but am just suffering at the moment. I am addicted to his messages, his affection, his memory. When does this pain end? How long do I need to keep up NC for until I can move on? Can we ever be friends?
So what has changed? Reading your latest update, you have boundaries in place...What boundaries?

The outcome will still be the same. He isn't leaving his wife for you, he'll treat you the same way as before, you won't have more in common. All that will happen is you'll get more attached than you already are and feel more pain and heartache.

What is it that you hoping for from this affair? It doesn't seem like love, it's more like addiction and habit and this isn't healthy for you. You're addicted to how he makes you feel.

You're wasting your precious love and energy on someone who isn't worth it. And you're the one getting hurt in the process, not him. He has a full life with someone else and you're fulfilling some needs he doesn't get at home.

Think long term, how long do you intend on staying in the affair with him? Do you want marriage and children of your own one day? If so, being with him isn't going to get you a future that you want. Let alone be with someone you can spend time with openly, bring home to your parents and friends, celebrate birthdays and holidays etc..

I hope you get strong enough to end it once and for all. But sadly I think you need to go through more pain and get to the point when you've had enough to end it and walk away.
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Old 28th October 2017, 1:04 AM   #32
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whichwayisup, I'm actually a MW myself, and my spouse and I are going through some tough times. He's seeking help and I'm trying to be as supportive as possible, but it's extremely taxing. I don't want my MM to leave his wife, and I don't want to leave my husband, and actually don't want a conventional 'real future' with my AP. It's complicated. It's like we fulfill this need in each other that we aren't getting in our 'happy' marriages. We both have extremely full lives outside of this, and know we have no real future. Our age, our physical long distance, etc. Maybe it's the addiction; I'm sure that's part of it... addiction to affection, warmth, attention, support...
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Old 28th October 2017, 2:01 AM   #33
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Ahhhh I screwed up NC. MM and I are back in contact, basically back together, although this time with some boundaries set in place. We've agreed to taking breaks, so are trying NC for the next 10 days to see if the space allows us to grow apart a little. The really devastating thing is that I think we care deeply for each other, but we simply cannot be. It's so unrealistic in many ways --- but that seems to be part of its great allure and draw. Undeniably, I am happier in contact with him, than out of contact with him. A lot of my attempts to form a narrative to break up with him failed, and actually miserably backfired. I was so depressed and craven in the two weeks I tried to rid myself of him.

Part of me wonders if this was a huge mistake and if I should just delete my email account over the next ten days and be rid of it all. The other half of me is wondering what results this new approach will bring... at least I'm no longer denying my love for him, which made me clutch onto the relationship and our memories even more. Perhaps there's a chance that by acknowledging our feelings for each other, we can just fade away naturally, or morph into a true, platonic friendship. I'm not sure what to do. Having this person's love for me is so enriching and nourishing, as is returning that love to him and knowing I'm contributing positively to his life. Is it so wrong to have this source of intimacy and comfort? If we're so physically far from each other, and it just ends up being a lifelong friendship, would it be an emotional affair? I worry I will never feel this way about anyone again.

Turmoil.
You are dancing with each other.... been there many times. It always ends the same way.

Poppy.
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Old 28th October 2017, 2:10 AM   #34
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CindyC
I have nothing negative to say to you, only that I understand your decision to be where you are. The addiction feels unbearable. The elation and satisfaction from him feels like itís worth it all. At least from my perspective. I donít blame you for how you feel because when I read your post, I feel at least Iím not alone in how I feel with my AP.
I read so many othersí very insightful and supportive posts. Strangers that are genuinely concerned about the path weíre on because theyíve been in our shoes and know what lies ahead. I wish I could delete the app he and I contact one another on. I wish I could delete his number from my phone. I wish I could leave my job. But Iím afraid of feeling empty without him. And I think, how can someone have such an effect on me. Someone who will never give me a fraction of what I need. Someone who will never feel how I feel about him. It canít be love but itís intense). I wish I could be as strong enough emotionally to end the A.
Like you I donít want to end my M (rather Iím scared to end my M). Like you i donít want him to end his. I just want to feel what Iím feeling now. But I have to find a way to feel happy on my own. Without him. Iíve taken steps to start IC to sort my own issues out.
Thank you for keeping us updated and being honest. And keep coming back no matter where you are in your journey. Even though sometimes what the LS readers are saying seems harsh. It all really is for our benefit and to help open our blind eyes.
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Old 28th October 2017, 3:45 AM   #35
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Originally Posted by CindyC86 View Post
Ahhhh I screwed up NC. MM and I are back in contact, basically back together, although this time with some boundaries set in place. We've agreed to taking breaks, so are trying NC for the next 10 days to see if the space allows us to grow apart a little. The really devastating thing is that I think we care deeply for each other, but we simply cannot be. It's so unrealistic in many ways --- but that seems to be part of its great allure and draw. Undeniably, I am happier in contact with him, than out of contact with him. A lot of my attempts to form a narrative to break up with him failed, and actually miserably backfired. I was so depressed and craven in the two weeks I tried to rid myself of him.

Part of me wonders if this was a huge mistake and if I should just delete my email account over the next ten days and be rid of it all. The other half of me is wondering what results this new approach will bring... at least I'm no longer denying my love for him, which made me clutch onto the relationship and our memories even more. Perhaps there's a chance that by acknowledging our feelings for each other, we can just fade away naturally, or morph into a true, platonic friendship. I'm not sure what to do. Having this person's love for me is so enriching and nourishing, as is returning that love to him and knowing I'm contributing positively to his life. Is it so wrong to have this source of intimacy and comfort? If we're so physically far from each other, and it just ends up being a lifelong friendship, would it be an emotional affair? I worry I will never feel this way about anyone again.

Turmoil.
You need tight boundaries that keep him far away and unable to contact you! You do this FOR YOURSELF. For your future.

Do not communicate with him. He knows as long as he keeps communicating with you - you don't have room for someone new.

You need to create that distance so that you have room to date an available man (men)! Start dating immediately - and make sure no more reconnecting with your past (this OM). He's a predator preying upon you. Stop allowing that!


Get busy having fun with a man who treats you like gold!
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Old 28th October 2017, 6:29 AM   #36
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You need to create that distance so that you have room to date an available man (men)! Start dating immediately - and make sure no more reconnecting with your past (this OM). He's a predator preying upon you. Stop allowing that!


Get busy having fun with a man who treats you like gold!
Umm, OP is also married and does not want to leave her H.

Kinda changes the perspective of it all.
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Old 28th October 2017, 10:21 AM   #37
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I remember this feeling. I broke my own self-imposed NC several times, and each time it felt great... initially. I finally realized a few things:

- He's going to take me back every time, because he really doesn't care about my turmoil. It's just a chance for more NSA sex (or ego boosts) for him. Who wouldn't turn that down?

- Each time I go back, he's going to treat me worse than before. In the meantime, he has been looking for other sources of supply. One day you may return to find he already has another OW.

- This is an addiction, and as with all addictions it takes time, and a conscious decision not to act. The best (only?) method is to end it once and for all. Ghosting didn't work for me. I felt too bad about it. I finally told him that I was done and that I didn't consider us to be friends. I asked him to delete my contact info and he complied.

- You don't have to be 100% sure about ending it. You know it's wrong, you know that eventually the cycle will repeat and you'll end up feeling horrible about it. You know that it's causing harm to others. But your mind and body are craving this drug, and that makes you rationalize. It's ok to want, it's ok to have these feelings, and you should let yourself feel them. But it's not ok to act. You have to go through the motions of not being involved with this guy until the addictive feelings pass.

It will get better. I'm 4 months out and I no longer feel any desire to contact this guy. More frequently these days I wonder what the hell I was ever thinking in getting involved with him. You'll be ok. Initially you'll feel like you can't live without him, but you can and you will.
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Old 28th October 2017, 2:03 PM   #38
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I understand how you feel, knowing that you care about one another but also realizing the impossibility of it all, and that it is ultimately unhealthy.

In my own life, the thing that I'm realizing is that we're using each other as a crutch. I'm wanting to return to the place where I can stand on my own, and that means that I need to learn how to walk without him. I'm realizing it is about me and my weaknesses. The days that I feel better about myself, I have less desire to reach out. I know he has his own things to deal with but it's not up to me to fix him.

You'll need to decide whether you're ok using him to fill the voids that you're missing in your life. It comes at a huge cost. You're married and it undoubtedly impacts the way that you interact with your husband. It impacts your relationships with others in your life as well. Start thinking about if it's worth it now and in the long run. Imagine this going on for another year, another five years. Is this leading you to where you want to be?
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Old 28th October 2017, 2:48 PM   #39
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I'm realizing it is about me and my weaknesses. The days that I feel better about myself, I have less desire to reach out. I know he has his own things to deal with but it's not up to me to fix him.
This, exactly. I was noticing this pattern too, that whenever I was feeling low I'd contact him. There was nothing like the jolt I'd get when he'd catch my eye and, with a sly smile, wink at me behind someone's back. Turns out he wasn't the only one looking for a quick ego bump. I was too. But the effect over time was an overall decline in self-esteem. I'm trying to look for more constructive ways now to improve my self-esteem. It's harder work, but it's much healthier.
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Old 29th October 2017, 12:43 AM   #40
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whichwayisup, I'm actually a MW myself, and my spouse and I are going through some tough times. He's seeking help and I'm trying to be as supportive as possible, but it's extremely taxing. I don't want my MM to leave his wife, and I don't want to leave my husband, and actually don't want a conventional 'real future' with my AP. It's complicated. It's like we fulfill this need in each other that we aren't getting in our 'happy' marriages. We both have extremely full lives outside of this, and know we have no real future. Our age, our physical long distance, etc. Maybe it's the addiction; I'm sure that's part of it... addiction to affection, warmth, attention, support...
You need help. You can't go on like this....Sooner or later your husband will find out and you could lose everything that you know and love at home. Is this MM worth it? This addiction and ego feed? IS what you feel more important than what your husband and children feel? Are you ready to turn their innocent lives upside down forever because you have a lustful addictive crush on some guy who makes you feel good? Sorry that my words are harsh, trying to get you to really stop and think. You're stronger than you realize so don't let some pain and withdrawal of ending your A get in the way of fixing and affair proofing yourself and the marriage.
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Old 29th October 2017, 12:45 AM   #41
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This, exactly. I was noticing this pattern too, that whenever I was feeling low I'd contact him. There was nothing like the jolt I'd get when he'd catch my eye and, with a sly smile, wink at me behind someone's back. Turns out he wasn't the only one looking for a quick ego bump. I was too. But the effect over time was an overall decline in self-esteem. I'm trying to look for more constructive ways now to improve my self-esteem. It's harder work, but it's much healthier.
And the above is not love. Nor is it genuine care. It's good that you see you both are in the A for selfish and self serving reasons. It really has nothing to do with him, it's about how he makes you feel and vice versa.

Get counseling to work on yourself. No man should be your supply to either make or break your day. That's so unhealthy.
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Old 29th October 2017, 1:14 AM   #42
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Originally Posted by CindyC86 View Post
whichwayisup, I'm actually a MW myself, and my spouse and I are going through some tough times. He's seeking help and I'm trying to be as supportive as possible, but it's extremely taxing. I don't want my MM to leave his wife, and I don't want to leave my husband, and actually don't want a conventional 'real future' with my AP. It's complicated. It's like we fulfill this need in each other that we aren't getting in our 'happy' marriages. We both have extremely full lives outside of this, and know we have no real future. Our age, our physical long distance, etc. Maybe it's the addiction; I'm sure that's part of it... addiction to affection, warmth, attention, support...
Work on the issues with your husband. Invest time and energy with him only.

When your marriage is your primary focus it will get better!


You seem to think the marriage should be good while you're investing your time and energy into this OM...it doesn't work that way! You have focused your energy in the wrong man.

Get back on track and start paying attention to your husband. This is on you and you can change this.
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Old 29th October 2017, 9:48 AM   #43
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op,
men like your mm will do whatever they feel they can get away with. He's with you and he makes you feel like he loves you, then he goes home to his wife and does the same thing with her.

If I was a betting person, i'd willingly gamble on your A with him not being his first rodeo. You are just one of many, and when you are gone, he'll find someone else.While the old maxim of " once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't always valid, their is a kernel of truth to it. Some people just are not cut out to be with only one person. There's nothing wrong with that, so long as you don't hurt anyone else. Right now, he's hurting you and his wife and family, and you are helping him to do it, not to mention your own fmaily.

I'm not saying that to be mean to you, but because you do sound like a caring person, and I'm wondering if part of you knows this is wrong and it's just leading to more heartbreak for a whole lot of people. Is that a fair price for them to pay for you to have this "extra" in your life?
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Old 29th October 2017, 3:45 PM   #44
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op,
men like your mm will do whatever they feel they can get away with. He's with you and he makes you feel like he loves you, then he goes home to his wife and does the same thing with her.

If I was a betting person, i'd willingly gamble on your A with him not being his first rodeo. You are just one of many, and when you are gone, he'll find someone else.While the old maxim of " once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't always valid, their is a kernel of truth to it. Some people just are not cut out to be with only one person. There's nothing wrong with that, so long as you don't hurt anyone else. Right now, he's hurting you and his wife and family, and you are helping him to do it, not to mention your own fmaily.

I'm not saying that to be mean to you, but because you do sound like a caring person, and I'm wondering if part of you knows this is wrong and it's just leading to more heartbreak for a whole lot of people. Is that a fair price for them to pay for you to have this "extra" in your life?
I agree. if you read my earlier post, you will see that exMM was always full of kindness, flowers, cards and surprises. He told me he would give his wife movie tickets and pay for lunches to get her out of his way so he could be with me.

He played with my feelings for a long time and played on his wife's trust to get what he wanted.

It took me many years (too many) to understand his game. He loved one person and that was himself.
Poppy.
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Old 30th October 2017, 11:35 AM   #45
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You'll need to decide whether you're ok using him to fill the voids that you're missing in your life. It comes at a huge cost. You're married and it undoubtedly impacts the way that you interact with your husband. It impacts your relationships with others in your life as well. Start thinking about if it's worth it now and in the long run. Imagine this going on for another year, another five years. Is this leading you to where you want to be?
I agree. I was a WW. My H and I were going through a rough patch too, and I thought I could have xAP to fill in the gaps. But in reality it just muddied the waters. The A does impact all relationships, even if no one else knows.

So what kind of person do you want to be then OP? The kind of person who stands with their spouse and marriage when the tough times come? Who faces things head on? Or the kind of person who secretly escapes with another man? It's your choice.

As someone who has BTDT...the affection, warmth, etc...is not worth the pain. Especially the pain of a d-day.

GL.
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