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Just ended my affair,... tormented by grief


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I ended my two month affair with a MM twice my age yesterday. We had a one month summer fling, then parted ways, but emailed every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I ended things because I knew we had no future, and because he only loved me as a much older man could: a prize, a foil who made him feel young and alive. I was a young fool and fell deeply in love. Though I instigated the breakup, I can't stop thinking about him. Even though I know we had little in common, and he treated me with the least amount of care possible. I know I made the right decision, but am just suffering at the moment. I am addicted to his messages, his affection, his memory. When does this pain end? How long do I need to keep up NC for until I can move on? Can we ever be friends?

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somanymistakes

I don't think you can be friends with him because it sounds like he doesn't really respect you as a person. If he mostly enjoys having you around as an ornament, he'll happily say friendly things to you, but that's not the same as actually being your friend.

 

Of course, I don't know either of you and maybe there's more to it, but right now it sounds like you would be too vulnerable to falling back into feelings, and he would not stop you. For your own protection you should not try to be friends.

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The more you stay in this, the more trapped you get. It is as plain as that, no exaggeration.

 

If you want to be trapoed and get kick out of the sorrow, you can engage him and be friends. You will never know what it is to be ‘free’ because you will have a string to you. Your choice, your life.

 

I went thru all of it and cutting off an affair string is so astonishingly self powering.

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staggerlee71
I ended things because I knew we had no future, and because he only loved me as a much older man could: a prize, a foil who made him feel young and alive. I was a young fool and fell deeply in love. QUOTE]

 

your a smart women. you know what you need and deserve.

you will love and be loved again.

 

Pain is growth. its ok to feel the way you do.

 

it wont kill you, it wont last forever

 

this too shall pass

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FoundMyStrength
I ended my two month affair with a MM twice my age yesterday. We had a one month summer fling, then parted ways, but emailed every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I ended things because I knew we had no future, and because he only loved me as a much older man could: a prize, a foil who made him feel young and alive. I was a young fool and fell deeply in love. Though I instigated the breakup, I can't stop thinking about him. Even though I know we had little in common, and he treated me with the least amount of care possible. I know I made the right decision, but am just suffering at the moment. I am addicted to his messages, his affection, his memory. When does this pain end? How long do I need to keep up NC for until I can move on? Can we ever be friends?

 

My affair sounds remarkably like yours. Brief affair during a summer work assignment followed by nonstop texting and emailing before I ended it.

 

I won't sugarcoat this. Even a couple of months of an affair is enough to get you hooked on the drama, the ups and downs, the push and pull, the addiction of looking at your phone and email desperately waiting for him.

 

As freengreen said, you just have to cut the string. No more texts, no more emails, no more social media. Never again. Thats the only path to freedom. And it will take longer than you think. At 6 months no contact I was feeling better. At one year, I am beginning to feel free.

 

Hang in there. It will get better.

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I know I made the right decision, but it's still so hard not to obsess about it; to think about him, and still fantasize about our next encounter.

 

Thank you so much for your support, LS is a godsend.

 

One excruciating day at a time...

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Stop communicating with him, move on with your life even if the pain is killing you. Focus on something else and be with friends and families most of the time.

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Sparkling Storm

Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm 4 days into the end of my 7 month A and am completely broken - physically and mentally. I flip between panicky fluttering in my chest and overwhelming sadness. And all of this is in secret as I am also a MW. What a mess.

 

I can't tell you how to make it better as I'm right in the middle of it myself. But I can just reassure you that we'll get through it. Because we have to.

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So I totally screwed up and contacted my MM because our last correspondence was so abrupt and emotional; I was not proud of it and wanted us to have some real closure. At the time, I was feeling strong about my decision, and to be honest, exchanging words in a clear, rational way made our breakup feel more stable. I was filled with anxiety wondering how he was, but now I don't have to worry about how he's doing - we know we will both eventually be okay and can move on.

 

Hang in there, Sparkling Storm. I am also a MW and it is excruciating to bear it all alone. I'm so grateful to this online community. We can at least relate to each other and lean on each other in this struggle.

 

Some tips I found online... let yourself grieve the loss 30 minutes a day. Or, ten minutes out of every hour. Every day you give yourself less time. At least, having achievable markers makes it seem more manageable me.

 

Back to Day 1 of NC for me, but this time it feels more achievable. I still love that man, though...

 

Stay strong, friends.

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Closure is a myth. Really. You can have the best ending and it will still feel horrible. It sounds like you feel like you'll both be able to move on, but the pain will come back again.

 

It *does* get easier.

 

Take a day at a time, sometimes an hour, sometimes minutes

Keep busy: exercise, volunteer, do hobbies

journal (this has helped me immensely)

counseling

Grieve it. Don't fight it. I spent a long time fighting it and it took longer.

 

Treat it like an addiction because that's basically what it is. Read and post. I lurked while in my A and posted after I confessed. I wish I had started sooner.

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I am sorry that you feel the way you do. Break ups are hard and it sounds like, in this case, the breakup was the right thing to do. I would suggest keeping yourself busy, find a new hobby, get involved and meet new people. I think the healing will come in time. I do not think it is a good idea for you to communicate with him anymore because it only makes things harder. I pray that you find healing and a new direction.

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S... I am also a MW and it is excruciating to bear it all alone...

 

Back to Day 1 of NC for me, but this time it feels more achievable. I still love that man, though...

 

 

He's twice as old as you, you two had very little in common, and he treated you carelessly, AND you're married.

 

I have to ask out of pure curiosity, no judgements I promise:

- How did OM meet and seduce you?

- What qualities does he have that makes him so attractive to you?

- How do you feel about your husband and your marriage? What qualities does your husband lack, that OM has? What buttons did OM push that your husband did not?

- And finally, you said you are a young fool. How old are you and how long have you been married?

 

Again, no judgements - I'm just curious about how female sexuality and attraction works.

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My story compares to yours in which I am MW involved with a MM. it has been a 4 months since it started and has intensified to a point where it is driving me insane. It started out with simple flirting to kissing and hasn’t gone farther than that except for now daily texting and him professing feelings which the cynic in me only sees as a ploy. I am digging myself deeper and deeper into an emotional hole of obsession and self destruction. I tried to end it but came back to it. And everyday I want to stop but everyday I want him more.

How did you find the courage to end it? I can’t fathom a day without hearing from him.

I fear that the deeper i fall into this emotional hole, the farther I fall from reality. You described it so clearly when you said “panicky fluttering in my chest and overwhelming sadness”. This is me before the end of the A. What shall I expect when I have actually ended it or if d-day arrives?

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you cant be friends again cos your end up where you were, Its like a drug where u need him, with my exmm i miss the friendship more use to text all the time now its only about our son.

 

hes still with his wife she knows about the affair and my son

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Strawberries123

I agree, all communication must stop. At least that is what I did. I tried ending the affair with my MM so many times, it was like I was addicted to him. Finally, I moved to another state. I had a LOT of pain, and I missed him, but in the end ( 20 years later ) it was the best thing I could have done. However now, 20 years later his wife and her family are stalking me because they feel I should give her money!? Help!

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My story compares to yours in which I am MW involved with a MM. it has been a 4 months since it started and has intensified to a point where it is driving me insane. It started out with simple flirting to kissing and hasn’t gone farther than that except for now daily texting and him professing feelings which the cynic in me only sees as a ploy. I am digging myself deeper and deeper into an emotional hole of obsession and self destruction. I tried to end it but came back to it. And everyday I want to stop but everyday I want him more.

How did you find the courage to end it? I can’t fathom a day without hearing from him.

I fear that the deeper i fall into this emotional hole, the farther I fall from reality. You described it so clearly when you said “panicky fluttering in my chest and overwhelming sadness”. This is me before the end of the A. What shall I expect when I have actually ended it or if d-day arrives?

 

Grasshopper, I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling to end things with your MM and that you're feeling trapped in obsession. I hated that feeling, always waiting for the next correspondence, wondering what he was doing; the obsession of not fully knowing or having. After all, an affair is less than a half life, a sliver of what you really need in a real relationship. What helped me end things is that he started responding as if I were a sounding wall - I would tell him things about my life and experiences, but he seemed more interested in relaying parts of his life to me. Maybe that was partially the age difference (he's in his fifties) or his form of intimacy, but I just started to feel he didn't really care for me particularly. I could've been any younger woman he was ****ing to regain youth and vitality in his life. Those realizations and a feeling of imbalance in the relationship made me understand it wasn't worth my obsession and mental sanity. I blame hormones, but I was starting to have really intense, crazy thoughts about him,... thoughts that my rational mind rejected. I couldn't leave myself so vulnerable. But, it also helps that our A happened over the summer, and now we live on different coasts and never see each other. That was part of it too; he wanted me to fly and see him and assume all of the burden and risk, while he just stayed put. Not very chivalrous. Every day the obsession wanes a little and I understand I made the right decision, but it is still a monumental struggle not to reach out to him.

 

Grasshopper, lock into your understanding that you need to end things and that you don't like the obsessive version of yourself you have become - trust your gut. You can do this! I'm day five of NC and the first few days were just excruciating,... but every day gets a little better. It's still such a huge effort not to think about him in the old, oxytocin entrained way, to wonder what he's thinking, if he misses me, why he hasn't even tried to fight for me, etc... but in the time I hope the spell will be broken. Stay strong, grasshopper.

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Mornings are so hard. I wish I had the strength to delete my secret email account, but I guess I'm still not ready. Part of me cherishes all of our interactions and still wants to hold on, irrationally hoping he'll reach out to me, try to win me back. Is that just my ego talking? Despite being the one to initiate the breakup, I'm really grappling with feelings of rejection, because he didn't love me. If I believed he really loved me, I would have stayed.

 

It's so strange to have broken up with someone for that reason. Coping is difficult. I just need to accept I made the right decision and move on, but I'm the one who's heartbroken. Affairs!! Don't enter into them, friends, what a burden of guilt and grief.

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Cindy thank you for your words of encouragement. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in how I am feeling . Because many times it feels as though I am just aimlessly wondering about struggling in my own self inflicted sorrows. In a world where I have to suck it up and be quiet because of the taboo and negativity that so many have regarding this exact type of situation. I can’t share with my closest friend. I can’t walk around sulking and eating jugs of ice cream like most heartbroken women. I just bury it deep inside. Thankfully I can come here and read similar situations and know that I am not alone.

 

Your most recent post is a mirror of my own woes. And I wonder how we can be so heartbroken over men that obviously aren’t worth our tears. It’s the rejection as you said. Because you seem to be very aware that you did the right thing. You did. I applaud you for that. I can’t even imagine NC. My situation may be somewhat different. I work in close proximity with mine. So I have to maintain professionalism so as to not draw attention.

 

I wish i would have come across this before I entered this whole predicament. I may have saved myself a world of sadness and confusion.

 

You’re one day closer everyday to getting through this!

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somethingelse

I have to start out admitting that I too am an OW - three years. Do yourself a favor. NC. I tried ending mine and went back and I can tell you what torment it really is this far down the line. I'm a mess of my own but I can tell you something different from those recovering, it never gets better. NC.

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I have to start out admitting that I too am an OW - three years. Do yourself a favor. NC. I tried ending mine and went back and I can tell you what torment it really is this far down the line. I'm a mess of my own but I can tell you something different from those recovering, it never gets better. NC.

 

This should be an eye opener for me. I want so much to end it but i simply can’t summon up the courage. And this frightens me of who I am And why I am here. And where I will be. And your statement IT NEVER GETS BETTER scares me.

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Bittersweetie

I am 9 years out from my A and d-day. And I will say: it does get better.

 

I fully admit I was addicted to xOM. Even after my d-day, I still thought of him, looked online at him even though I did not want anything to do with him.But finally I realized, if I was going to fix things, I needed to start with myself. I started working on myself and my marriage and helping my husband work through my betrayal.

 

Was it easy? No. Did things resolve themselves in a short time? No. Did it hurt?

Heck yeah. But I kept going, one slow day at a time, hoping that at some point things would get better.

 

And they did. Though it may sound weird, I am proud of myself, proud that I stuck with working through the really hard things, proud that I stayed and looked in my husband's eyes even though I just wanted to crawl away and hide. I'm proud that I chose this path and faced my demons.

 

The fact that I worked through all of this pain makes me feel stronger moving forward, that I can tackle anything that comes my way, that I will never make the same choices I made before. I try every day to live with as much honesty and integrity as I can, and am thankful for all that I have.

 

So please, don't give up. It's a marathon; stay the course. Please.

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MidnightBlue1980
This should be an eye opener for me. I want so much to end it but i simply can’t summon up the courage. And this frightens me of who I am And why I am here. And where I will be. And your statement IT NEVER GETS BETTER scares me.

 

Of course it gets better. But it won't until you end it. There are exceptions of course but generally speaking, assume you are not the exception to the rule. Generally speaking, men cheat on their wives because you are offering sex. That is really all there is to it regarding the other woman. I'm sure you are pretty, flattering his ego, reminding him of younger days and so on. The truth it that it's not about you. It's about him, his issues, probably his boredom with life, his marriage, work, who knows. What it isn't is about his love for you.

 

The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can end it and move on.

 

That does not mean it does not hurt. Oh, it hurts. I wanted to kill myself from the pain. It's a chemical things. If you had a friend going through the DTs from a heroin addiction, it wouldn't be any different. You are addicted to a drug. A very bad drug which will only destroy you.

 

You need to cut off completely and take care of yourself. These guys don't care about us. They will use us and throw us away, like toilet paper.

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Of course it gets better. But it won't until you end it. There are exceptions of course but generally speaking, assume you are not the exception to the rule. Generally speaking, men cheat on their wives because you are offering sex. That is really all there is to it regarding the other woman. I'm sure you are pretty, flattering his ego, reminding him of younger days and so on. The truth it that it's not about you. It's about him, his issues, probably his boredom with life, his marriage, work, who knows. What it isn't is about his love for you.

 

The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can end it and move on.

 

That does not mean it does not hurt. Oh, it hurts. I wanted to kill myself from the pain. It's a chemical things. If you had a friend going through the DTs from a heroin addiction, it wouldn't be any different. You are addicted to a drug. A very bad drug which will only destroy you.

 

You need to cut off completely and take care of yourself. These guys don't care about us. They will use us and throw us away, like toilet paper.

 

 

Read this, understand it and accept it. It's the truth from God's lips to your ears. Midnight must have gotten tired of hearing me say it, but, this is exactly the A scenario my wife was in, and it's also exactly the situation I honestly believe most women are in when involved with a married man. Yes, as MB pointed out, there could be a lot of things going on, boredom, annoyed at his wife, blah, blah. Take the sex off the table, he'll run in the other direction. I can just about promise you that. For any of the ladies reading, if you don't know where you stand, it's simple "Nothing physical again until you file divorce papers". You'll find out real quickly where his "heart" is and where his feelings for you really originate (about 2-3 feet lower, depending on height).

 

I'm sorry for your pain, and I know this has to be a terrible situation to be in. Reading these stories for the past (almost year!) has really brought to light many things for me, most notably, how badly I hurt women in the past. What I thought was a mutual "let's have fun together" wasn't that at all, women, by and large, just don't operate that way. And I know I did a lot of damage, not as an AP, but because I was operating like these APs are, treating women like men and expecting them to get everything they need from the relationship through sex. That's just not how it works, which is very unfortunate for women in A's; the man, despite what he says is almost certainly there for sex/fun and not to love you. He has someone he loves already (even though, of course, he tells you different).

 

Please read these words and other stories here and understand the trade you are making. Kind words for sex. If that's a good trade for you, then at least you're getting what you came for. But don't expect to trade sex for real love, that's not a component of A's for many (I'd say most/almost all) A's for men. And yes, all those "love you" soulmate discussions? When his W finds out and he's forced to chose, you will, as MB says, be thrown away like toilet paper and most likely (as my W was) blamed for initiating the entire thing. You will be made into a monster in anyone who will listen to the "poor" MM's story. It's as predictable as the sun coming up tomorrow morning.

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I'm sorry for your pain, and I know this has to be a terrible situation to be in. Reading these stories for the past (almost year!) has really brought to light many things for me, most notably, how badly I hurt women in the past. What I thought was a mutual "let's have fun together" wasn't that at all, women, by and large, just don't operate that way. And I know I did a lot of damage, not as an AP, but because I was operating like these APs are, treating women like men and expecting them to get everything they need from the relationship through sex. That's just not how it works, which is very unfortunate for women in A's; the man, despite what he says is almost certainly there for sex/fun and not to love you. He has someone he loves already (even though, of course, he tells you different).

 

Overtaxed, just curious - did you lie to these women to get them to have sex with you? Did you tell them that you loved them? Or were you up front about just wanting to have fun and that's it. Because I think that's where the pain comes in for many of these women. They take the guy's words at face value.

 

My situation was different in that he was pretty up front about what he wanted. But there was still a lie in there because he kept claiming we were "friends" (he'd spent many months grooming me) when clearly we were nothing of the sort.

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I have to start out admitting that I too am an OW - three years. Do yourself a favor. NC. I tried ending mine and went back and I can tell you what torment it really is this far down the line. I'm a mess of my own but I can tell you something different from those recovering, it never gets better. NC.

 

I was in an affair for almost 9 years. I wholeheartedly agree with you that is never gets better for the OW. It gets worse and worse until you think you have gone insane.

 

At some point, I began remembering small things exMM had said casually. I began to put it all together. He had totally hooked me into believing he had feelings for me. THAT WAS THE KEY ! He

 

Of course he didn't have feelings. I was just the supply of his fantasy, recreation... call it what you will. Mind you, he went to great lengths to ensure he kept his supply going. He was a master puppeteer. He manipulated me and his wife in exactly the same way.

 

9 years seems a very long time to be involved. He found me just after my husband of 33 years had died and I didn't know where I had landed. After I met ex MM I don't think I ever had a chance . He hooked me and kept me.

 

I am an intelligent, successful, good looking woman and well to do in my own right. I still shake my head and wonder how I was enthralled by him for so long.

 

NC and the realisation that it was only an affair are the best ways to move forward. You WILL get over it but only if you stop thinking he loved you.

 

Poppy.

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