LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > The Other Man / Woman

Just ended my affair,... tormented by grief


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

Like Tree77Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 15th October 2017, 12:20 AM   #16
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
My story compares to yours in which I am MW involved with a MM. it has been a 4 months since it started and has intensified to a point where it is driving me insane. It started out with simple flirting to kissing and hasnít gone farther than that except for now daily texting and him professing feelings which the cynic in me only sees as a ploy. I am digging myself deeper and deeper into an emotional hole of obsession and self destruction. I tried to end it but came back to it. And everyday I want to stop but everyday I want him more.
How did you find the courage to end it? I canít fathom a day without hearing from him.
I fear that the deeper i fall into this emotional hole, the farther I fall from reality. You described it so clearly when you said ďpanicky fluttering in my chest and overwhelming sadnessĒ. This is me before the end of the A. What shall I expect when I have actually ended it or if d-day arrives?
Grasshopper, I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling to end things with your MM and that you're feeling trapped in obsession. I hated that feeling, always waiting for the next correspondence, wondering what he was doing; the obsession of not fully knowing or having. After all, an affair is less than a half life, a sliver of what you really need in a real relationship. What helped me end things is that he started responding as if I were a sounding wall - I would tell him things about my life and experiences, but he seemed more interested in relaying parts of his life to me. Maybe that was partially the age difference (he's in his fifties) or his form of intimacy, but I just started to feel he didn't really care for me particularly. I could've been any younger woman he was ****ing to regain youth and vitality in his life. Those realizations and a feeling of imbalance in the relationship made me understand it wasn't worth my obsession and mental sanity. I blame hormones, but I was starting to have really intense, crazy thoughts about him,... thoughts that my rational mind rejected. I couldn't leave myself so vulnerable. But, it also helps that our A happened over the summer, and now we live on different coasts and never see each other. That was part of it too; he wanted me to fly and see him and assume all of the burden and risk, while he just stayed put. Not very chivalrous. Every day the obsession wanes a little and I understand I made the right decision, but it is still a monumental struggle not to reach out to him.

Grasshopper, lock into your understanding that you need to end things and that you don't like the obsessive version of yourself you have become - trust your gut. You can do this! I'm day five of NC and the first few days were just excruciating,... but every day gets a little better. It's still such a huge effort not to think about him in the old, oxytocin entrained way, to wonder what he's thinking, if he misses me, why he hasn't even tried to fight for me, etc... but in the time I hope the spell will be broken. Stay strong, grasshopper.
CindyC86 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th October 2017, 11:07 AM   #17
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 14
Mornings are so hard. I wish I had the strength to delete my secret email account, but I guess I'm still not ready. Part of me cherishes all of our interactions and still wants to hold on, irrationally hoping he'll reach out to me, try to win me back. Is that just my ego talking? Despite being the one to initiate the breakup, I'm really grappling with feelings of rejection, because he didn't love me. If I believed he really loved me, I would have stayed.

It's so strange to have broken up with someone for that reason. Coping is difficult. I just need to accept I made the right decision and move on, but I'm the one who's heartbroken. Affairs!! Don't enter into them, friends, what a burden of guilt and grief.
CindyC86 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th October 2017, 4:07 PM   #18
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 33
Cindy thank you for your words of encouragement. Itís comforting to know that Iím not alone in how I am feeling . Because many times it feels as though I am just aimlessly wondering about struggling in my own self inflicted sorrows. In a world where I have to suck it up and be quiet because of the taboo and negativity that so many have regarding this exact type of situation. I canít share with my closest friend. I canít walk around sulking and eating jugs of ice cream like most heartbroken women. I just bury it deep inside. Thankfully I can come here and read similar situations and know that I am not alone.

Your most recent post is a mirror of my own woes. And I wonder how we can be so heartbroken over men that obviously arenít worth our tears. Itís the rejection as you said. Because you seem to be very aware that you did the right thing. You did. I applaud you for that. I canít even imagine NC. My situation may be somewhat different. I work in close proximity with mine. So I have to maintain professionalism so as to not draw attention.

I wish i would have come across this before I entered this whole predicament. I may have saved myself a world of sadness and confusion.

Youíre one day closer everyday to getting through this!
Poppy47 likes this.
grass-hopper is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th October 2017, 10:28 PM   #19
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 10
I have to start out admitting that I too am an OW - three years. Do yourself a favor. NC. I tried ending mine and went back and I can tell you what torment it really is this far down the line. I'm a mess of my own but I can tell you something different from those recovering, it never gets better. NC.
somethingelse is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th October 2017, 10:08 PM   #20
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by somethingelse View Post
I have to start out admitting that I too am an OW - three years. Do yourself a favor. NC. I tried ending mine and went back and I can tell you what torment it really is this far down the line. I'm a mess of my own but I can tell you something different from those recovering, it never gets better. NC.
This should be an eye opener for me. I want so much to end it but i simply canít summon up the courage. And this frightens me of who I am And why I am here. And where I will be. And your statement IT NEVER GETS BETTER scares me.
grass-hopper is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th October 2017, 12:20 PM   #21
Established Member
 
Bittersweetie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 720
I am 9 years out from my A and d-day. And I will say: it does get better.

I fully admit I was addicted to xOM. Even after my d-day, I still thought of him, looked online at him even though I did not want anything to do with him.But finally I realized, if I was going to fix things, I needed to start with myself. I started working on myself and my marriage and helping my husband work through my betrayal.

Was it easy? No. Did things resolve themselves in a short time? No. Did it hurt?
Heck yeah. But I kept going, one slow day at a time, hoping that at some point things would get better.

And they did. Though it may sound weird, I am proud of myself, proud that I stuck with working through the really hard things, proud that I stayed and looked in my husband's eyes even though I just wanted to crawl away and hide. I'm proud that I chose this path and faced my demons.

The fact that I worked through all of this pain makes me feel stronger moving forward, that I can tackle anything that comes my way, that I will never make the same choices I made before. I try every day to live with as much honesty and integrity as I can, and am thankful for all that I have.

So please, don't give up. It's a marathon; stay the course. Please.
__________________
~ What you allow, is what will continue. ~
Bittersweetie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th October 2017, 7:02 PM   #22
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,808
Quote:
Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
This should be an eye opener for me. I want so much to end it but i simply canít summon up the courage. And this frightens me of who I am And why I am here. And where I will be. And your statement IT NEVER GETS BETTER scares me.
Of course it gets better. But it won't until you end it. There are exceptions of course but generally speaking, assume you are not the exception to the rule. Generally speaking, men cheat on their wives because you are offering sex. That is really all there is to it regarding the other woman. I'm sure you are pretty, flattering his ego, reminding him of younger days and so on. The truth it that it's not about you. It's about him, his issues, probably his boredom with life, his marriage, work, who knows. What it isn't is about his love for you.

The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can end it and move on.

That does not mean it does not hurt. Oh, it hurts. I wanted to kill myself from the pain. It's a chemical things. If you had a friend going through the DTs from a heroin addiction, it wouldn't be any different. You are addicted to a drug. A very bad drug which will only destroy you.

You need to cut off completely and take care of yourself. These guys don't care about us. They will use us and throw us away, like toilet paper.
MidnightBlue1980 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th October 2017, 9:31 PM   #23
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 771
Quote:
Originally Posted by MidnightBlue1980 View Post
Of course it gets better. But it won't until you end it. There are exceptions of course but generally speaking, assume you are not the exception to the rule. Generally speaking, men cheat on their wives because you are offering sex. That is really all there is to it regarding the other woman. I'm sure you are pretty, flattering his ego, reminding him of younger days and so on. The truth it that it's not about you. It's about him, his issues, probably his boredom with life, his marriage, work, who knows. What it isn't is about his love for you.

The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can end it and move on.

That does not mean it does not hurt. Oh, it hurts. I wanted to kill myself from the pain. It's a chemical things. If you had a friend going through the DTs from a heroin addiction, it wouldn't be any different. You are addicted to a drug. A very bad drug which will only destroy you.

You need to cut off completely and take care of yourself. These guys don't care about us. They will use us and throw us away, like toilet paper.

Read this, understand it and accept it. It's the truth from God's lips to your ears. Midnight must have gotten tired of hearing me say it, but, this is exactly the A scenario my wife was in, and it's also exactly the situation I honestly believe most women are in when involved with a married man. Yes, as MB pointed out, there could be a lot of things going on, boredom, annoyed at his wife, blah, blah. Take the sex off the table, he'll run in the other direction. I can just about promise you that. For any of the ladies reading, if you don't know where you stand, it's simple "Nothing physical again until you file divorce papers". You'll find out real quickly where his "heart" is and where his feelings for you really originate (about 2-3 feet lower, depending on height).

I'm sorry for your pain, and I know this has to be a terrible situation to be in. Reading these stories for the past (almost year!) has really brought to light many things for me, most notably, how badly I hurt women in the past. What I thought was a mutual "let's have fun together" wasn't that at all, women, by and large, just don't operate that way. And I know I did a lot of damage, not as an AP, but because I was operating like these APs are, treating women like men and expecting them to get everything they need from the relationship through sex. That's just not how it works, which is very unfortunate for women in A's; the man, despite what he says is almost certainly there for sex/fun and not to love you. He has someone he loves already (even though, of course, he tells you different).

Please read these words and other stories here and understand the trade you are making. Kind words for sex. If that's a good trade for you, then at least you're getting what you came for. But don't expect to trade sex for real love, that's not a component of A's for many (I'd say most/almost all) A's for men. And yes, all those "love you" soulmate discussions? When his W finds out and he's forced to chose, you will, as MB says, be thrown away like toilet paper and most likely (as my W was) blamed for initiating the entire thing. You will be made into a monster in anyone who will listen to the "poor" MM's story. It's as predictable as the sun coming up tomorrow morning.
SoleMate likes this.
Overtaxed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th October 2017, 10:18 PM   #24
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 319
Quote:
Originally Posted by Overtaxed View Post
I'm sorry for your pain, and I know this has to be a terrible situation to be in. Reading these stories for the past (almost year!) has really brought to light many things for me, most notably, how badly I hurt women in the past. What I thought was a mutual "let's have fun together" wasn't that at all, women, by and large, just don't operate that way. And I know I did a lot of damage, not as an AP, but because I was operating like these APs are, treating women like men and expecting them to get everything they need from the relationship through sex. That's just not how it works, which is very unfortunate for women in A's; the man, despite what he says is almost certainly there for sex/fun and not to love you. He has someone he loves already (even though, of course, he tells you different).
Overtaxed, just curious - did you lie to these women to get them to have sex with you? Did you tell them that you loved them? Or were you up front about just wanting to have fun and that's it. Because I think that's where the pain comes in for many of these women. They take the guy's words at face value.

My situation was different in that he was pretty up front about what he wanted. But there was still a lie in there because he kept claiming we were "friends" (he'd spent many months grooming me) when clearly we were nothing of the sort.
jah526 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th October 2017, 2:26 AM   #25
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: sydney Australia
Posts: 1,285
Quote:
Originally Posted by somethingelse View Post
I have to start out admitting that I too am an OW - three years. Do yourself a favor. NC. I tried ending mine and went back and I can tell you what torment it really is this far down the line. I'm a mess of my own but I can tell you something different from those recovering, it never gets better. NC.
I was in an affair for almost 9 years. I wholeheartedly agree with you that is never gets better for the OW. It gets worse and worse until you think you have gone insane.

At some point, I began remembering small things exMM had said casually. I began to put it all together. He had totally hooked me into believing he had feelings for me. THAT WAS THE KEY ! He

Of course he didn't have feelings. I was just the supply of his fantasy, recreation... call it what you will. Mind you, he went to great lengths to ensure he kept his supply going. He was a master puppeteer. He manipulated me and his wife in exactly the same way.

9 years seems a very long time to be involved. He found me just after my husband of 33 years had died and I didn't know where I had landed. After I met ex MM I don't think I ever had a chance . He hooked me and kept me.

I am an intelligent, successful, good looking woman and well to do in my own right. I still shake my head and wonder how I was enthralled by him for so long.

NC and the realisation that it was only an affair are the best ways to move forward. You WILL get over it but only if you stop thinking he loved you.

Poppy.
Poppy47 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th October 2017, 4:00 PM   #26
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by Poppy47 View Post
At some point, I began remembering small things exMM had said casually. I began to put it all together. He had totally hooked me into believing he had feelings for me. THAT WAS THE KEY ! He

Of course he didn't have feelings. I was just the supply of his fantasy, recreation... call it what you will. Mind you, he went to great lengths to ensure he kept his supply going. He was a master puppeteer. He manipulated me and his wife in exactly the same way.

NC and the realisation that it was only an affair are the best ways to move forward. You WILL get over it but only if you stop thinking he loved you.

Poppy.
I needed this today. I keep reading through LS and thinking ďmy story is different, he cares for meĒ. But he doesnít, does he?
And I think if he didnít feel the way he feels then why is he constantly telling me? What can he possibly get out of this? Why canít he just move on to the next one? Why would he work so hard to keep me close and keep me thinking he cares for me? When I know he can move on to someone else in an instant. Or can he? Have I just built him up to be this great guy?
But after reading your post. My story is no different than anyone else here. Heís manipulative. Heís got me convinced he and I are different. Heís hooked me. And I bite that bait ever so eagerly in hopes of ??? (Honestly I have no idea. I have no hopes of anything from him, except disappointment and heartache)
grass-hopper is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th October 2017, 5:55 PM   #27
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 4,249
Quote:
Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
I needed this today. I keep reading through LS and thinking “my story is different, he cares for me”. But he doesn’t, does he?
And I think if he didn’t feel the way he feels then why is he constantly telling me? What can he possibly get out of this? Why can’t he just move on to the next one? Why would he work so hard to keep me close and keep me thinking he cares for me? When I know he can move on to someone else in an instant. Or can he? Have I just built him up to be this great guy?
But after reading your post. My story is no different than anyone else here. He’s manipulative. He’s got me convinced he and I are different. He’s hooked me. And I bite that bait ever so eagerly in hopes of ??? (Honestly I have no idea. I have no hopes of anything from him, except disappointment and heartache)
I am both an xMOW and a BS many times over and what you just described is my WH.

why is he constantly telling me? Because he can
What can he possibly get out of this? What you are giving him
Why can’t he just move on to the next one? They do when their supply runs out or they get bored
Why would he work so hard to keep me close and keep me thinking he cares for me? Because it's working
When I know he can move on to someone else in an instant. Or can he? Yes they can
ladydesigner is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th October 2017, 8:51 PM   #28
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: sydney Australia
Posts: 1,285
Quote:
Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
I needed this today. I keep reading through LS and thinking “my story is different, he cares for me”. But he doesn’t, does he?
And I think if he didn’t feel the way he feels then why is he constantly telling me? What can he possibly get out of this? Why can’t he just move on to the next one? Why would he work so hard to keep me close and keep me thinking he cares for me? When I know he can move on to someone else in an instant. Or can he? Have I just built him up to be this great guy?
But after reading your post. My story is no different than anyone else here. He’s manipulative. He’s got me convinced he and I are different. He’s hooked me. And I bite that bait ever so eagerly in hopes of ??? (Honestly I have no idea. I have no hopes of anything from him, except disappointment and heartache)
My ex AP was constantly loving and thoughtful. He would text every morning
and evening and phone at the same time each afternoon. He looked after me once when I had surgery and brought flowers every time he came to my place. He was always looking for opportunities to go out to different nice places with me. I couldn't fault his behaviour towards me in punctuality and kindness.

I was definitely built into his daily timetable. I honestly thought he cared deeply for me and I have many love letters saying so.

NOt long before I dumped him, he slipped up and said I was his"outlet". I was shocked and of course he smoothed it over. A bit later, he admitted that he had been posting private photos on social media. He refused to show me and said they were personal and private.

He began to boast about how he could get away on an overseas trip with me by manipulating his wife. I was stunned again.

WHERE HAD MY MIND BEEN FOR 9 YEARS???? It all unravelled very quickly after those events. He was manipulating me same as his wife. It was an epiphany for me.

He went to great lengths to maintain his "outlet" and he did it because I allowed it. He knew how alone and lost I was after my husband's death and kept me that way.

I have never looked back and neither will you with the right mind set.

Cheers,
Poppy.

Last edited by Poppy47; 27th October 2017 at 8:54 PM.. Reason: Need to add more
Poppy47 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th October 2017, 9:07 PM   #29
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 319
Quote:
Originally Posted by ladydesigner View Post
When I know he can move on to someone else in an instant. Or can he? Yes they can
Hm, not sure about this. I don't know how easy it would be. I doubt the majority of women would be interested.
jah526 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th October 2017, 10:52 PM   #30
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 14
regression

Ahhhh I screwed up NC. MM and I are back in contact, basically back together, although this time with some boundaries set in place. We've agreed to taking breaks, so are trying NC for the next 10 days to see if the space allows us to grow apart a little. The really devastating thing is that I think we care deeply for each other, but we simply cannot be. It's so unrealistic in many ways --- but that seems to be part of its great allure and draw. Undeniably, I am happier in contact with him, than out of contact with him. A lot of my attempts to form a narrative to break up with him failed, and actually miserably backfired. I was so depressed and craven in the two weeks I tried to rid myself of him.

Part of me wonders if this was a huge mistake and if I should just delete my email account over the next ten days and be rid of it all. The other half of me is wondering what results this new approach will bring... at least I'm no longer denying my love for him, which made me clutch onto the relationship and our memories even more. Perhaps there's a chance that by acknowledging our feelings for each other, we can just fade away naturally, or morph into a true, platonic friendship. I'm not sure what to do. Having this person's love for me is so enriching and nourishing, as is returning that love to him and knowing I'm contributing positively to his life. Is it so wrong to have this source of intimacy and comfort? If we're so physically far from each other, and it just ends up being a lifelong friendship, would it be an emotional affair? I worry I will never feel this way about anyone again.

Turmoil.
CindyC86 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
If your affair has ended, would you go back in time and still have the affair? Ahurtgirl General Relationship Discussion 46 22nd October 2016 5:00 PM
Tormented after affair ended... ! Babsinhealing The Other Man / Woman 198 23rd March 2016 7:55 PM
D-Day after Affair ended? QuakerOats The Other Man / Woman 8 2nd April 2014 3:31 PM
affair ended --but now what-- samstar The Other Man / Woman 0 26th July 2011 4:34 AM
I just ended my affair SassyC The Other Man / Woman 19 27th May 2010 7:13 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 3:56 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.