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Just ended my affair,... tormented by grief


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Old 8th October 2017, 5:25 PM   #1
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Just ended my affair,... tormented by grief

I ended my two month affair with a MM twice my age yesterday. We had a one month summer fling, then parted ways, but emailed every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I ended things because I knew we had no future, and because he only loved me as a much older man could: a prize, a foil who made him feel young and alive. I was a young fool and fell deeply in love. Though I instigated the breakup, I can't stop thinking about him. Even though I know we had little in common, and he treated me with the least amount of care possible. I know I made the right decision, but am just suffering at the moment. I am addicted to his messages, his affection, his memory. When does this pain end? How long do I need to keep up NC for until I can move on? Can we ever be friends?
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Old 8th October 2017, 6:04 PM   #2
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I don't think you can be friends with him because it sounds like he doesn't really respect you as a person. If he mostly enjoys having you around as an ornament, he'll happily say friendly things to you, but that's not the same as actually being your friend.

Of course, I don't know either of you and maybe there's more to it, but right now it sounds like you would be too vulnerable to falling back into feelings, and he would not stop you. For your own protection you should not try to be friends.
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Old 8th October 2017, 6:43 PM   #3
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The more you stay in this, the more trapped you get. It is as plain as that, no exaggeration.

If you want to be trapoed and get kick out of the sorrow, you can engage him and be friends. You will never know what it is to be ‘free’ because you will have a string to you. Your choice, your life.

I went thru all of it and cutting off an affair string is so astonishingly self powering.
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Old 8th October 2017, 7:06 PM   #4
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[QUOTE=CindyC86;7433731] I ended things because I knew we had no future, and because he only loved me as a much older man could: a prize, a foil who made him feel young and alive. I was a young fool and fell deeply in love. QUOTE]

your a smart women. you know what you need and deserve.
you will love and be loved again.

Pain is growth. its ok to feel the way you do.

it wont kill you, it wont last forever

this too shall pass
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Old 9th October 2017, 9:10 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CindyC86 View Post
I ended my two month affair with a MM twice my age yesterday. We had a one month summer fling, then parted ways, but emailed every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I ended things because I knew we had no future, and because he only loved me as a much older man could: a prize, a foil who made him feel young and alive. I was a young fool and fell deeply in love. Though I instigated the breakup, I can't stop thinking about him. Even though I know we had little in common, and he treated me with the least amount of care possible. I know I made the right decision, but am just suffering at the moment. I am addicted to his messages, his affection, his memory. When does this pain end? How long do I need to keep up NC for until I can move on? Can we ever be friends?
My affair sounds remarkably like yours. Brief affair during a summer work assignment followed by nonstop texting and emailing before I ended it.

I won't sugarcoat this. Even a couple of months of an affair is enough to get you hooked on the drama, the ups and downs, the push and pull, the addiction of looking at your phone and email desperately waiting for him.

As freengreen said, you just have to cut the string. No more texts, no more emails, no more social media. Never again. Thats the only path to freedom. And it will take longer than you think. At 6 months no contact I was feeling better. At one year, I am beginning to feel free.

Hang in there. It will get better.
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Old 9th October 2017, 12:37 PM   #6
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Thank you for the support

I know I made the right decision, but it's still so hard not to obsess about it; to think about him, and still fantasize about our next encounter.

Thank you so much for your support, LS is a godsend.

One excruciating day at a time...
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Old 9th October 2017, 8:46 PM   #7
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Stop communicating with him, move on with your life even if the pain is killing you. Focus on something else and be with friends and families most of the time.
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Old 10th October 2017, 4:47 AM   #8
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Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm 4 days into the end of my 7 month A and am completely broken - physically and mentally. I flip between panicky fluttering in my chest and overwhelming sadness. And all of this is in secret as I am also a MW. What a mess.

I can't tell you how to make it better as I'm right in the middle of it myself. But I can just reassure you that we'll get through it. Because we have to.
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Old 10th October 2017, 1:55 PM   #9
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I failed, but admirably

So I totally screwed up and contacted my MM because our last correspondence was so abrupt and emotional; I was not proud of it and wanted us to have some real closure. At the time, I was feeling strong about my decision, and to be honest, exchanging words in a clear, rational way made our breakup feel more stable. I was filled with anxiety wondering how he was, but now I don't have to worry about how he's doing - we know we will both eventually be okay and can move on.

Hang in there, Sparkling Storm. I am also a MW and it is excruciating to bear it all alone. I'm so grateful to this online community. We can at least relate to each other and lean on each other in this struggle.

Some tips I found online... let yourself grieve the loss 30 minutes a day. Or, ten minutes out of every hour. Every day you give yourself less time. At least, having achievable markers makes it seem more manageable me.

Back to Day 1 of NC for me, but this time it feels more achievable. I still love that man, though...

Stay strong, friends.
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Old 10th October 2017, 9:11 PM   #10
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Closure is a myth. Really. You can have the best ending and it will still feel horrible. It sounds like you feel like you'll both be able to move on, but the pain will come back again.

It *does* get easier.

Take a day at a time, sometimes an hour, sometimes minutes
Keep busy: exercise, volunteer, do hobbies
journal (this has helped me immensely)
counseling
Grieve it. Don't fight it. I spent a long time fighting it and it took longer.

Treat it like an addiction because that's basically what it is. Read and post. I lurked while in my A and posted after I confessed. I wish I had started sooner.
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Old 10th October 2017, 9:18 PM   #11
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I am sorry that you feel the way you do. Break ups are hard and it sounds like, in this case, the breakup was the right thing to do. I would suggest keeping yourself busy, find a new hobby, get involved and meet new people. I think the healing will come in time. I do not think it is a good idea for you to communicate with him anymore because it only makes things harder. I pray that you find healing and a new direction.
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Old 11th October 2017, 12:26 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CindyC86 View Post
S... I am also a MW and it is excruciating to bear it all alone...

Back to Day 1 of NC for me, but this time it feels more achievable. I still love that man, though...
He's twice as old as you, you two had very little in common, and he treated you carelessly, AND you're married.

I have to ask out of pure curiosity, no judgements I promise:
- How did OM meet and seduce you?
- What qualities does he have that makes him so attractive to you?
- How do you feel about your husband and your marriage? What qualities does your husband lack, that OM has? What buttons did OM push that your husband did not?
- And finally, you said you are a young fool. How old are you and how long have you been married?

Again, no judgements - I'm just curious about how female sexuality and attraction works.
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Old 13th October 2017, 2:04 AM   #13
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My story compares to yours in which I am MW involved with a MM. it has been a 4 months since it started and has intensified to a point where it is driving me insane. It started out with simple flirting to kissing and hasn’t gone farther than that except for now daily texting and him professing feelings which the cynic in me only sees as a ploy. I am digging myself deeper and deeper into an emotional hole of obsession and self destruction. I tried to end it but came back to it. And everyday I want to stop but everyday I want him more.
How did you find the courage to end it? I can’t fathom a day without hearing from him.
I fear that the deeper i fall into this emotional hole, the farther I fall from reality. You described it so clearly when you said “panicky fluttering in my chest and overwhelming sadness”. This is me before the end of the A. What shall I expect when I have actually ended it or if d-day arrives?
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Old 13th October 2017, 4:04 AM   #14
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you cant be friends again cos your end up where you were, Its like a drug where u need him, with my exmm i miss the friendship more use to text all the time now its only about our son.

hes still with his wife she knows about the affair and my son
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Old 14th October 2017, 10:49 PM   #15
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I agree, all communication must stop. At least that is what I did. I tried ending the affair with my MM so many times, it was like I was addicted to him. Finally, I moved to another state. I had a LOT of pain, and I missed him, but in the end ( 20 years later ) it was the best thing I could have done. However now, 20 years later his wife and her family are stalking me because they feel I should give her money!? Help!
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