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Mixed signals? Or am I just mixed up?


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Old 6th October 2017, 11:59 AM   #1
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Question Mixed signals? Or am I just mixed up?

Ok so sorry if I ramble or jump all over the place but I'm a little out of sorts now. Back story is I had an affair with a man who was also married. My husband found out and I left him. AP stayed with his wife. My husband and I tried again to make things work but he just couldn't change and I was right back to wanting out. So I left him for good. I have had no contact with my former AP. I spoke with him in the phone the day it happened briefly to warn him my husband had found out and messaged him the day after my husband had confronted him/his wife just to see if he was ok. No reply to message. So I messaged him and told him I was sorry how things ended and that I wished him the best of luck in life and that I would not contact him any more. We have now been no contact for 6+ months. Not even accidental run ins because if he sees my vehicle at the store he will go to the one down the road ( I assume it is him but could be his wife driving his truck) this was a no drama end of affair on my end. No flip outs or begging for him back just complete silence on my end so no real need to avoid me. well.... Now he is back working as a police officer in my town and I run EMS. So the other night was the first call I had to run with him on scene as well. I waited for my partner to get out before I got out and I didn't even look him in the eye. He gave report to my partner and then went in with us and once we were good he said he was going to go take the person he arrested to the courthouse to be booked. He said thank Yall for coming and left. Neither of us acknowledged the other at all. But when we came out (pt chose not to go) he was still there outside not sure why so I waited for my partner (didn't want to be alone with him) and the exAP shined the light for us to get back to truck and thanked us again for coming. We had to stay for a few more minutes typing report and he stayed, outside of his car (mind you he could have done all his talking on his in car radio but chose to stand outside of car and use his portable) To me it seemed kind of a show like look at me I know you want to get an eyeful. I'm not sure if he was originally waiting for me to come out of house alone so he could say something or what was going on. He wouldn't dare talk to me in front of anyone probably not even a hello because it would get back to my ex husband (very volatile and jealous) or his wife. I'm at the point I'm just confused. This was cut and dry over (I mean he didn't ever message back and chose to stay with his wife) so why stand around for no reason when you already arrested your subject and there was no safety reason to be on scene. (My ex husband worked for the same department until recently so I know their policies and he was not required to wait for us to leave) I guess I'm just venting but also now questioning if there was motive behind any of it? Is he sending mixed signals or am I just mixed up?
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Old 6th October 2017, 8:49 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by leaveherwild View Post
Ok so sorry if I ramble or jump all over the place but I'm a little out of sorts now. Back story is I had an affair with a man who was also married. My husband found out and I left him. AP stayed with his wife. My husband and I tried again to make things work but he just couldn't change and I was right back to wanting out. So I left him for good. I have had no contact with my former AP. I spoke with him in the phone the day it happened briefly to warn him my husband had found out and messaged him the day after my husband had confronted him/his wife just to see if he was ok. No reply to message. So I messaged him and told him I was sorry how things ended and that I wished him the best of luck in life and that I would not contact him any more. We have now been no contact for 6+ months. Not even accidental run ins because if he sees my vehicle at the store he will go to the one down the road ( I assume it is him but could be his wife driving his truck) this was a no drama end of affair on my end. No flip outs or begging for him back just complete silence on my end so no real need to avoid me. well.... Now he is back working as a police officer in my town and I run EMS. So the other night was the first call I had to run with him on scene as well. I waited for my partner to get out before I got out and I didn't even look him in the eye. He gave report to my partner and then went in with us and once we were good he said he was going to go take the person he arrested to the courthouse to be booked. He said thank Yall for coming and left. Neither of us acknowledged the other at all. But when we came out (pt chose not to go) he was still there outside not sure why so I waited for my partner (didn't want to be alone with him) and the exAP shined the light for us to get back to truck and thanked us again for coming. We had to stay for a few more minutes typing report and he stayed, outside of his car (mind you he could have done all his talking on his in car radio but chose to stand outside of car and use his portable) To me it seemed kind of a show like look at me I know you want to get an eyeful. I'm not sure if he was originally waiting for me to come out of house alone so he could say something or what was going on. He wouldn't dare talk to me in front of anyone probably not even a hello because it would get back to my ex husband (very volatile and jealous) or his wife. I'm at the point I'm just confused. This was cut and dry over (I mean he didn't ever message back and chose to stay with his wife) so why stand around for no reason when you already arrested your subject and there was no safety reason to be on scene. (My ex husband worked for the same department until recently so I know their policies and he was not required to wait for us to leave) I guess I'm just venting but also now questioning if there was motive behind any of it? Is he sending mixed signals or am I just mixed up?
It sounds like his behavior was classic MM behavior. I'm not sure I'd use the word motive but 5-6 months is about the time they come back around, to see if the fires are still burning. Things have calmed down at home, it's always easier to revive an old AP than groom a new one.
Don't go backwards. It will only end up the same except this time you may get really hurt or worse, end up with him.
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Old 6th October 2017, 9:03 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by leaveherwild View Post
Ok so sorry if I ramble or jump all over the place but I'm a little out of sorts now. Back story is I had an affair with a man who was also married. My husband found out and I left him. AP stayed with his wife. My husband and I tried again to make things work but he just couldn't change and I was right back to wanting out. So I left him for good. I have had no contact with my former AP. I spoke with him in the phone the day it happened briefly to warn him my husband had found out and messaged him the day after my husband had confronted him/his wife just to see if he was ok. No reply to message. So I messaged him and told him I was sorry how things ended and that I wished him the best of luck in life and that I would not contact him any more. We have now been no contact for 6+ months. Not even accidental run ins because if he sees my vehicle at the store he will go to the one down the road ( I assume it is him but could be his wife driving his truck) this was a no drama end of affair on my end. No flip outs or begging for him back just complete silence on my end so no real need to avoid me. well.... Now he is back working as a police officer in my town and I run EMS. So the other night was the first call I had to run with him on scene as well. I waited for my partner to get out before I got out and I didn't even look him in the eye. He gave report to my partner and then went in with us and once we were good he said he was going to go take the person he arrested to the courthouse to be booked. He said thank Yall for coming and left. Neither of us acknowledged the other at all. But when we came out (pt chose not to go) he was still there outside not sure why so I waited for my partner (didn't want to be alone with him) and the exAP shined the light for us to get back to truck and thanked us again for coming. We had to stay for a few more minutes typing report and he stayed, outside of his car (mind you he could have done all his talking on his in car radio but chose to stand outside of car and use his portable) To me it seemed kind of a show like look at me I know you want to get an eyeful. I'm not sure if he was originally waiting for me to come out of house alone so he could say something or what was going on. He wouldn't dare talk to me in front of anyone probably not even a hello because it would get back to my ex husband (very volatile and jealous) or his wife. I'm at the point I'm just confused. This was cut and dry over (I mean he didn't ever message back and chose to stay with his wife) so why stand around for no reason when you already arrested your subject and there was no safety reason to be on scene. (My ex husband worked for the same department until recently so I know their policies and he was not required to wait for us to leave) I guess I'm just venting but also now questioning if there was motive behind any of it? Is he sending mixed signals or am I just mixed up?
Why did my xMM just visit my one public social media site a year after the end of a short affair? That's just what they do. The underlying issues rarely resolve, but unlike you, most MM lack the courage or resolve to either do the work or leave the marriage. He's pining for how you made him feel. In short, he's like a little kid who wants attention.
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Old 6th October 2017, 9:08 PM   #4
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,

Based on your actions, I think you responded quite well to this unwitting and unfortunate shake up... I think you should be on your guard, if you are sure this affair will remain dead, as you never know what he may be planning for you - if anything. Just in case, because it is possible MidnightBlue is correct.

With that said, try not to look to deep into the interaction. It seems to me that both of you were trying to just get through it in this awkward professional setting without overplaying your hands or overstepping.
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Old 6th October 2017, 9:14 PM   #5
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Having worked in the first responder field for 10+ years, an officer who lingers on the scene of an arrest with EMS still on the scene is pretty standard. Policy says they don’t have to stay but many (around here most) do if they have nowhere else to be as a courtesy, especially if somebody was arrested or looked to be arrested. And they wander around outside of their cars because they spend most of their shift sitting in a car. If the weather is not freezing or snowing, if they have a reason to be out of their car then they will take it.

Could he be sending a message? Sure. But the overwhelming likelihood here is he was a police officer doing police officer stuff he would have been doing with you there or not. I wouldn’t flatter him by thinking about it if acting like you noticed, or yourself by thinking he’s doing it to/at/for you. After all, you didn’t need to do your paperwork right then and there either. So be a grey rock and keep on keeping on with what you’ve got going and leave him to whatever it is he does.
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Last edited by MandoGirl; 6th October 2017 at 9:18 PM..
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Old 6th October 2017, 9:51 PM   #6
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Well, I think you were perhaps a little mixed up to get involved in an affair with a man both you, and your now ex-husband, work with. That was going to be nothing but trouble...

Whether he was trying to get to you or not, we do not know and it does not matter... He can only get to you, if you let him get to you. Move on and ignore him. Good luck.

Last edited by BaileyB; 6th October 2017 at 10:28 PM..
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Old 10th October 2017, 5:09 AM   #7
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You did exactly what you were supposed to do. Did you give any eye contact at all? I bet he was waiting for you to fall back in his trap...or maybe he was showing he misses you...that's what I would've got out of it.
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