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On his way over, how do i confront him?


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Old 4th October 2017, 2:13 PM   #1
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On his way over, how do i confront him?

Met this guy a month ago and we've seen each other constantly since. Ive been crazy about him (tho sadly its been tempered by the knowledge that you cant trust anybody these days). Just yesterday I felt like we had had the talk that put us over the edge -- I felt like he really was making it clear that he wanted to be w me for real, wasnt just playing around. After he left I was thinking maybe it was time to take down my dating profiles.

And then I thought I had to at least do a really thorough google search on him. Of course I had done a quick check in the beginning, but I used to be an investigator and I know that if its out there, I can find it... And I did. Its not diffinitive proof that he's married. Found wife's fb page with the last family pic a year and a half old. That's not so far off from when they were breaking up according to him. Her page says married -- but maybe she just doesnt use fb much or is in denial. Seems like she hasnt posted much since then. But the thing I cant explain and I cant imagine how he's gonna is that he only told me about two of their children. This pic was of the two of them, the two kids he talks about, and a newborn!

I feel like he could come up with all kinds of explanations for all but the baby. How/why would someone leave that out? And of course he's talked some about their break up and i never got the story "she had an affair and got pregnant."

So, I found it yesterday an hour after he left. I called, he didnt answer. Texted that I was having an emergency and I needed him. By the time he got back to me I was onto other stuff. I was, truthfully, with my backup boyfriend (thank god for him!!! made last night so much easier).

Well shoot. Was gonna ask what to say to him but hes parking now. 😬 I guess Ill be back to update and moral support and decompress.... This sucks!!!
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Old 4th October 2017, 2:27 PM   #2
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sounds very fishy to me , good luck to you that it all works out but you definately need to talk !
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Old 4th October 2017, 5:16 PM   #3
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Yes it does indeed suck. Must be so hard to continue trusting when things like this happen.
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Old 4th October 2017, 5:34 PM   #4
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Did you search for official documents like a divorce degree or at least a court filing?
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Old 4th October 2017, 8:42 PM   #5
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You've known this guy about a month.. Let it go and move on.. And you say you have a back up boyfriend so focus on him and not this lying MM.
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Old 5th October 2017, 1:41 AM   #6
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I know this sounds crazy, but i really really think he's not married after all. I wish I could explain it but it would take an hour to type it all out.

As for the baby, he really believes its not his. Hes black, very dark, mom is olive toned, baby is whiter than white. I know that can happen, but looking at this baby it is hard to believe it could be his. (I do kinda feel like he needs to either be a father to the baby or find out for sure its not his before baby is old enough to realize that he's not acting like a dad. 😬 But right now thats not my concern, obviously.)

Anyhow I am trying to keep my heart open but do my best at protecting myself. Being single is hard af. No guarantees.
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Old 5th October 2017, 1:55 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by grays View Post
I know this sounds crazy, but i really really think he's not married after all. I wish I could explain it but it would take an hour to type it all out.

As for the baby, he really believes its not his. Hes black, very dark, mom is olive toned, baby is whiter than white. I know that can happen, but looking at this baby it is hard to believe it could be his. (I do kinda feel like he needs to either be a father to the baby or find out for sure its not his before baby is old enough to realize that he's not acting like a dad. 😬 But right now thats not my concern, obviously.)

Anyhow I am trying to keep my heart open but do my best at protecting myself. Being single is hard af. No guarantees.
He has too much drama! And he hasn't been honest. That's enough to say no more.

Just stop seeing him. Also it's not nice to guy number two. Consider his feelings too.
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Old 5th October 2017, 6:59 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by grays View Post
I know this sounds crazy, but i really really think he's not married after all. I wish I could explain it but it would take an hour to type it all out.

As for the baby, he really believes its not his. Hes black, very dark, mom is olive toned, baby is whiter than white. I know that can happen, but looking at this baby it is hard to believe it could be his. (I do kinda feel like he needs to either be a father to the baby or find out for sure its not his before baby is old enough to realize that he's not acting like a dad. 😬 But right now thats not my concern, obviously.)

Anyhow I am trying to keep my heart open but do my best at protecting myself. Being single is hard af. No guarantees.
Why hasn't he had a paternity test?

This is too much drama. Be careful.
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:34 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by grays View Post
I know this sounds crazy, but i really really think he's not married after all. I wish I could explain it but it would take an hour to type it all out.

As for the baby, he really believes its not his. Hes black, very dark, mom is olive toned, baby is whiter than white. I know that can happen, but looking at this baby it is hard to believe it could be his. (I do kinda feel like he needs to either be a father to the baby or find out for sure its not his before baby is old enough to realize that he's not acting like a dad. 😬 But right now thats not my concern, obviously.)

Anyhow I am trying to keep my heart open but do my best at protecting myself. Being single is hard af. No guarantees.
My advice is to remove yourself from this drama. Did you ask him whether he is married?
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:50 AM   #10
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A woman with a “backup boyfriend” shouldn’t throw stones. Pot, meet kettle.
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Old 5th October 2017, 2:43 PM   #11
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He has too much drama! And he hasn't been honest. That's enough to say no more.

Just stop seeing him. Also it's not nice to guy number two. Consider his feelings too.
I know it sounds like a lotta drama but he's in a very similar situation to mine when I was breaking up w my husband of 25 years and we stayed in the same house for a year. It was an awful situation for me and its awful for him. The way he talks about it is so deja vu.

Im not going to stop seeing him. I havent felt this way about anyone since my ex. That's three years with no adult that I felt really connected to. Yesterday we talked for hours about our exes and our families, feeling too ashamed to tell our parents how ****ed up our marriages were, how ****ed up we feel like our parents were with us and how scary it is to parent our own children. I havent gotten that deep with anyone for YEARS. And its easy to do that with him.

As for the backup guy, I do feel kinda ****ty about that. He knew everything that was going on tho. And he has a fiance that he has an open relationship with. We were together for 8 months until I met this new guy and as soon as I met him I told the old guy I couldnt have a sexual relationship w him anymore. We just happened to be meeting for dinner like half an hour after i found wife's fb page. And all we talked about over dinner was the new guy. I was completely honest with him at every step. And I was also completely honest w new guy about the old one.
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Old 5th October 2017, 2:46 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Crazelnut View Post
A woman with a “backup boyfriend” shouldn’t throw stones. Pot, meet kettle.
New guy and I had talked about the old guy on multiple occassions. I told him I was completely happy to not see old guy if thats what he wanted. But I think he felt like it was too early to say that. I kinda felt like itd be nicer for everyone if I wasnt seeing old guy anymore so I didnt. I was really from the moment I laid eyes on new guy wanting to only be with him. I never lied to anyone.

ETA: I cant remember if I already said this but after I told new guy that old guy had spent the night, we did have "the talk." He said hes not with anyone else and he wants me to not either. I told him im totally down for that and if I freak out on him again Ill make sure to bring it to him rather than lean on some other guy. I feel like an ass, but I was so sure he was married when I did it. �� I ****ed up and I think Ive learned my lesson.

Last edited by grays; 5th October 2017 at 2:50 PM..
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Old 5th October 2017, 7:21 PM   #13
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Sounds to me that you may need a scorecard to keep track of all the players in your game of life.

Are you attracted to drama? Do you enjoy uncertainty? Or are you prone to ignoring advice? Nobody posting here has any stake in the outcome. What you get here, if you want it, is unbiased advice from those unfortunates who don't want to see you in the same bad places many of us have been in. Nothing more and nothing less.

Ask new BF to answer your questions truthfully and disclose your past employment which will discourage lying or Trickle truth.
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Old 6th October 2017, 12:17 AM   #14
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Im really not sure what employment has to do with this??? And I cant even tell if you mean mine or his.
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Old 6th October 2017, 2:26 AM   #15
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Im really not sure what employment has to do with this??? And I cant even tell if you mean mine or his.
I believe it was in the context of you being an investigator - able to find out anything about anyone.
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Well, bless your heart.
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