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Ex AP got in touch with me


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 4th October 2017, 1:17 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by Ahurtgirl View Post
I definitely take part of the blame but what I am saying is that if he had never met me, he would have found someone else to cheat with. At the time I met him, I wasn't looking to meet anyone. Hard to explain.
You've finally realized you were nothing special, that there was nothing "special/magical/once-in-a-lifetime" about your connections. He didn't cheat on his wife because you were the angel on earth he couldn't keep away from. He's just a cheater. Period. This is what you're saying if I understand correctly.
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Old 4th October 2017, 1:23 PM   #17
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It takes two to tango.

If both are married, who is the "OW" or "OM"?

I was married, he was married. We started flirting, he was the first to make a proposition, and I accepted.

I had never cheated before, he claims he never had (and I years of knowing him, I have never seen any evidence to the contrary).

It's both of our faults. I can't blame him, and he can't blame me.

Equally culpable, equally guilty.

If I went on to cheat again, does that then remove his guilt? If he were to cheat again - does that mean my participation didn't count?

Come on' we are all adults making our own choices - own them.
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Old 4th October 2017, 5:50 PM   #18
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Ex AP got in touch with me due to a legal reason. Gave him the info he needed. Talked a couple minutes where he told me that he was continuing to work at winning back his wife and had also found another OW (which I had figured out previously). He laughed sarcastically about how his wife continues to monitor his phone and asks if him and I have made contact. He said how great it is that she is so obsessed about me, my phone number, etc., that she is clueless to the newer OW being present in his life. So very sad. I didn't say much. No need to.
This man turned out to be a completely different person than who I thought he was. How I missed all the red flags and patterns for 5 years is very disheartening and how his wife is being cheated on again but doesn't know is even more distressing. However, I'm not contacting her - he gets to keep his new secret. She never knew about his AP before me so why should she find out about the one after me. This guy comes across as a stand up citizen, great kids coach, attends faith services, hard worker and successful, volunteers, etc. You would never guess the dark side he has, and it's not just his temper.
Maybe in this case, sure. He seems like a serial cheater who will take the opportunity, not the person. But not all affairs are created equal.
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Old 4th October 2017, 6:44 PM   #19
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Yep they are the accomplice and in my eyes just as guilty by association.
Not "just as guilty" b/c the OW or OM does not owe a single thing to the betrayed spouse. Is it wrong to date a married person? Of course. but the blame is NOT equal b/c the spouse made vows...the other person did not.

An accomplice is not the same as the principal.
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Old 4th October 2017, 7:22 PM   #20
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Not "just as guilty" b/c the OW or OM does not owe a single thing to the betrayed spouse. Is it wrong to date a married person? Of course. but the blame is NOT equal b/c the spouse made vows...the other person did not.

An accomplice is not the same as the principal.
OK but you are seeing this from the biased perspective of an OW. It is a popular view. "HE is the one breaking the vows, I am doing nothing wrong..."

BUT many people and not only BSs see it in a completely different way.
The MM/MW is married sure, but the OW/OM knew he/she was married and got involved anyway, so he/she has to shoulder an equal part of the blame.
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Old 4th October 2017, 8:34 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by RecentChange View Post
It takes two to tango.

If both are married, who is the "OW" or "OM"?

I was married, he was married. We started flirting, he was the first to make a proposition, and I accepted.

I had never cheated before, he claims he never had (and I years of knowing him, I have never seen any evidence to the contrary).

It's both of our faults. I can't blame him, and he can't blame me.

Equally culpable, equally guilty.

If I went on to cheat again, does that then remove his guilt? If he were to cheat again - does that mean my participation didn't count?

Come on' we are all adults making our own choices - own them.
Haha, personal accountability, something that should be common sense seems to be just an idealistic fantasy around here.
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Old 4th October 2017, 9:44 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by Ahurtgirl View Post
Ex AP got in touch with me due to a legal reason. Gave him the info he needed. Talked a couple minutes where he told me that he was continuing to work at winning back his wife and had also found another OW (which I had figured out previously). He laughed sarcastically about how his wife continues to monitor his phone and asks if him and I have made contact. He said how great it is that she is so obsessed about me, my phone number, etc., that she is clueless to the newer OW being present in his life. So very sad. I didn't say much. No need to.
This man turned out to be a completely different person than who I thought he was. How I missed all the red flags and patterns for 5 years is very disheartening and how his wife is being cheated on again but doesn't know is even more distressing. However, I'm not contacting her - he gets to keep his new secret. She never knew about his AP before me so why should she find out about the one after me. This guy comes across as a stand up citizen, great kids coach, attends faith services, hard worker and successful, volunteers, etc. You would never guess the dark side he has, and it's not just his temper.
As a woman, as a human being who can help another fellow human being, a woman, his wife you SHOULD tell her everything. Instead of harping some resentment towards her and inflicting your own pain on her, try helping. It's like you want her to suffer more because you suffered.

Maybe it'll bring you some peace. Reach out to her. You have nothing to lose.
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Old 5th October 2017, 4:40 AM   #23
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It is the WS who is responsible for the hurt to the BS. I agree with you there. Even if their AP threw themselves at them the onus was on the WS and them alone to say no!

It doesn't say much for the integrity of the AP for getting involved with the WS however - regardless of what he/she says about their marriage. If the AP can say 'not my marriage, not my responsibility' they presumably can't be hurt when the BS regards them poorly after the event.

If the WS simply moves along to a new AP after dday that must make both the BS and the AP feel pretty bad I would have thought - all it proves is that WS is a snake. It does not reflect either on the AP or the BS.
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Old 5th October 2017, 6:35 AM   #24
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Originally Posted by Ahurtgirl View Post
I definitely take part of the blame but what I am saying is that if he had never met me, he would have found someone else to cheat with. At the time I met him, I wasn't looking to meet anyone. Hard to explain.
None of that matters, because he didn't ask someone else instead of you, he asked you, and you accepted.

Look, I get it makes you feel better to think of this as some sort of unique situation no one else could ever understand, but it's not. Pretty much any woman, and lots of men, will tell you they have been hit on by someone who was married. Many will also be able to relate stories of someone who was married but pretending to not be.

It happens. That doesn't make it special, unique or anything else. Thinking of it that way is actually harmful, as does seeing the affair as not being your responsibility.


He cheated n his wife. With you, you helped to hurt her, and it doesn't matter if it could have been someone else. It wasn't. It was you.

What that means is that you messed up, which makes you a human being. Better to learn from your experiences instead of trying to make it everyone elses fault, as you can only change your own behavior. You're not evil, you're not a terrible person and you stand every chance of moving ahead and, if it's what you want to do, finding a great person to love and who will love you back.
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Old 5th October 2017, 6:41 AM   #25
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Originally Posted by sweet_pea View Post
Just because you don't 'owe' the BS anything doesn't mean you aren't responsible for your part in the affair or make it ok to hurt them. I mean, seriously?
It's like I see a man screaming obscenities at his wife, using every hurtful word he can think of. He sees me there, tells me she's a horrible person who is so mean to him and asks me to join in. I look at her, think maybe she really is a bad as he says, so I start screaming at her too.

I didn't start it, I owe her nothing and shouting at someone isn't illegal.

None of that changes that I am hurting her, all by my own choice and hand. He is responsible for his share, and I am responsible for my decision to take part.
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Old 5th October 2017, 7:12 AM   #26
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Just because you don't 'owe' the BS anything doesn't mean you aren't responsible for your part in the affair or make it ok to hurt them. I mean, seriously?
I didn’t say anything about blame. If we are talking about an affair in general, yes. Both parties are to “blame” b/c both participated.

I just don’t see it as equal b/c the spouse has a relationship with the betrayed spouse. You can’t impose the same duties of loyalty on a stranger.
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Old 5th October 2017, 7:42 AM   #27
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My exMM wife had an affair herself earlier in their marriage. I guess that also affects how I view the responsibility. She started it. Yes, that seem immature but seriously, it gave him the push to start all of his affairs. She was also more pissed than hurt. He said he had never seen her cry ever the entire 15 years he knew her. What type of woman doesn't cry?! I actually loved him at one point and honesty felt she never had loved him the way he deserved to be loved. Again, I take my responsibility in the affair but I definitely didn't hurt her, she just got angry and jealous about him having someone who actually cared about him. He'll always need that other person and if his wife is smart, she'll leave him first. She is losing her youth on a man who will, without a doubt leave her once their kids are grown. He will then remarry some poor unsuspecting woman who will soon realize all she did by marrying him is open up the position of the mistress. My exMM is a forever serial cheater. Each OW he has been with he destroys... He is more at fault in my exMM senario.
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Old 5th October 2017, 7:50 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
As a woman, as a human being who can help another fellow human being, a woman, his wife you SHOULD tell her everything. Instead of harping some resentment towards her and inflicting your own pain on her, try helping. It's like you want her to suffer more because you suffered.

Maybe it'll bring you some peace. Reach out to her. You have nothing to lose.
There is a No Contact for family members in place for both of us to follow. Even if I wanted to contact her, which I don't, it would break the legal binding agreement. If it hadn't been a legal question, he wouldn't have been allowed to contact me. He threatened my safety, my daughter's safety, and other extended families safety when it all ended because he lost his temper. Police were called, and it became a very dangerous situation. I have to protect myself from him so I will not be contacting his wife.
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Old 5th October 2017, 8:52 AM   #29
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Originally Posted by Ahurtgirl View Post
There is a No Contact for family members in place for both of us to follow. Even if I wanted to contact her, which I don't, it would break the legal binding agreement. If it hadn't been a legal question, he wouldn't have been allowed to contact me. He threatened my safety, my daughter's safety, and other extended families safety when it all ended because he lost his temper. Police were called, and it became a very dangerous situation. I have to protect myself from him so I will not be contacting his wife.
But this whole thread started with you telling us he contacted you! If there is a no contact order, did you call the police or report the contact?

How can you have a no contact order and still have your AP partner contact you and talk about his affairs?
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:13 AM   #30
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Originally Posted by Ahurtgirl View Post
My exMM wife had an affair herself earlier in their marriage. I guess that also affects how I view the responsibility. She started it. Yes, that seem immature but seriously, it gave him the push to start all of his affairs. She was also more pissed than hurt. He said he had never seen her cry ever the entire 15 years he knew her. What type of woman doesn't cry?! I actually loved him at one point and honesty felt she never had loved him the way he deserved to be loved. Again, I take my responsibility in the affair but I definitely didn't hurt her, she just got angry and jealous about him having someone who actually cared about him. He'll always need that other person and if his wife is smart, she'll leave him first. She is losing her youth on a man who will, without a doubt leave her once their kids are grown. He will then remarry some poor unsuspecting woman who will soon realize all she did by marrying him is open up the position of the mistress. My exMM is a forever serial cheater. Each OW he has been with he destroys... He is more at fault in my exMM senario.

You are aware that by trying to make them both look bad, you are just making yourself look worse?

When it helps your position, he is a huge liar who can't ever be trusted.

When it makes her look bad, he is truthful.

Stop, Just stop. You are keeping yourself in a competitive dynamic with her. You have this need to feel better than her. Why?

This affair isn't the whole of who you are, surely, there are lots of other reasons to be proud of yourself and have a high self esteem besides being in competition with his wife.

When you do that, you keep allowing him to have a form of control over you. Stop. Don't give him that power anymore. Wish them both well in your mind, then take a deep breath and walk away. Wash your hands of the two of them, and you will feel far better.
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