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Ex AP got in touch with me


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Old 4th October 2017, 8:34 AM   #1
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Ex AP got in touch with me

Ex AP got in touch with me due to a legal reason. Gave him the info he needed. Talked a couple minutes where he told me that he was continuing to work at winning back his wife and had also found another OW (which I had figured out previously). He laughed sarcastically about how his wife continues to monitor his phone and asks if him and I have made contact. He said how great it is that she is so obsessed about me, my phone number, etc., that she is clueless to the newer OW being present in his life. So very sad. I didn't say much. No need to.
This man turned out to be a completely different person than who I thought he was. How I missed all the red flags and patterns for 5 years is very disheartening and how his wife is being cheated on again but doesn't know is even more distressing. However, I'm not contacting her - he gets to keep his new secret. She never knew about his AP before me so why should she find out about the one after me. This guy comes across as a stand up citizen, great kids coach, attends faith services, hard worker and successful, volunteers, etc. You would never guess the dark side he has, and it's not just his temper.

Last edited by Ahurtgirl; 4th October 2017 at 8:44 AM..
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Old 4th October 2017, 8:48 AM   #2
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Iím confused. Are the affairs his fault? Or are they the wifeís fault because he wasnít feeling loved & adored and she wasnít giving him the time, attention, and affection that he needs?
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Old 4th October 2017, 9:40 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by Ahurtgirl View Post
Ex AP got in touch with me due to a legal reason. Gave him the info he needed. Talked a couple minutes where he told me that he was continuing to work at winning back his wife and had also found another OW (which I had figured out previously). He laughed sarcastically about how his wife continues to monitor his phone and asks if him and I have made contact. He said how great it is that she is so obsessed about me, my phone number, etc., that she is clueless to the newer OW being present in his life. So very sad. I didn't say much. No need to.
This man turned out to be a completely different person than who I thought he was. How I missed all the red flags and patterns for 5 years is very disheartening and how his wife is being cheated on again but doesn't know is even more distressing. However, I'm not contacting her - he gets to keep his new secret. She never knew about his AP before me so why should she find out about the one after me. This guy comes across as a stand up citizen, great kids coach, attends faith services, hard worker and successful, volunteers, etc. You would never guess the dark side he has, and it's not just his temper.

Don't pretend you didn't see his dark side. You knew it was there, as he was cheating on his wife with you. You were willing to look the other way.

Just like he can't blame you for the affair, you can't blame him. Accepting responsibility for your role doesn't equate to you being a bad person who enjoyed hurting his wife- it just means you made some pretty big mistakes- and that makes you human.

I can really empathize with wanting to understand why he made the choices he did, but in all likelihood, you never will Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward, as a wiser person. You have a whole lot going for you that you can offer to a relationship partner, and there are lots of men out there who would be thrilled to be with you and who won't hurt you like he did. Just use better judgement next time.
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Old 4th October 2017, 10:17 AM   #4
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Iím confused. Are the affairs his fault? Or are they the wifeís fault because he wasnít feeling loved & adored and she wasnít giving him the time, attention, and affection that he needs?
I'm saying don't blame a specific person. If it wasn't him or it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. He will always cheat. I know that I never will. My exhusband was gay. It was a completely different situation for me as there was no deception between my exhusband and I. My exhusband knew about my exMM and he even helped me with the relationship. I did learn that MM are off limits even if they tell you they are leaving their marriage.
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Old 4th October 2017, 10:21 AM   #5
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No, they don't cause the affair....but they have no problem partaking in it.

It's like saying, "I'm not the one who broke the window and started looting TV's....but hey, since the window is already broken, I'll steal one too."

I mean, it's not like this makes them paragons of virtue. Let's be real.

And as for blaming the BS...well, your character has to be scraping the underside of the bottom of the barrel to spew that shtick.
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Old 4th October 2017, 10:23 AM   #6
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Don't pretend you didn't see his dark side. You knew it was there, as he was cheating on his wife with you. You were willing to look the other way.

Just like he can't blame you for the affair, you can't blame him. Accepting responsibility for your role doesn't equate to you being a bad person who enjoyed hurting his wife- it just means you made some pretty big mistakes- and that makes you human.

I can really empathize with wanting to understand why he made the choices he did, but in all likelihood, you never will Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward, as a wiser person. You have a whole lot going for you that you can offer to a relationship partner, and there are lots of men out there who would be thrilled to be with you and who won't hurt you like he did. Just use better judgement next time.
Not pretending. I really didn't see it. His wife is having the wool pulled over her eyes too. You haven't met someone like him and you haven't been in this type of situation if you think it's as simple as you feel it is.

I did learn that if he's currently married, even if he tells you the marriage is basically over, that is a lie. I won't get involved with another married man.
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Old 4th October 2017, 10:27 AM   #7
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Not pretending. I really didn't see it. His wife is having the wool pulled over her eyes too. You haven't met someone like him and you haven't been in this type of situation if you think it's as simple as you feel it is.

I did learn that if he's currently married, even if he tells you the marriage is basically over, that is a lie. I won't get involved with another married man.
Oh, I've met cads, I assure you. I've met cads that were wooing several women at the same time - women who KNEW each other! I've wasted time with boys like that.

It IS simple, unless they hide the fact that they are married. If they are married, the aren't free to date. So don't.
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Old 4th October 2017, 10:29 AM   #8
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I am really not quite sure what your really trying to say. If he lied to you and cheated on her its his fault. The moment you learned it was a lie you should have backed away. This is what decent people do. If you stayed involved with him once you learned he was lying to you about his situation then the blame now falls on you as well.

I hope you will reach out to his wife and let her know.

C
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Old 4th October 2017, 10:42 AM   #9
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I'm staying out of his life 100%. Reaching out to his wife would just add drama to my life and I am done with their drama. I also think it's possible she has accepted he is a cheater and has decided to be okay with that flaw in his nature.
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Old 4th October 2017, 10:46 AM   #10
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I am really not quite sure what your really trying to say. If he lied to you and cheated on her its his fault. The moment you learned it was a lie you should have backed away. This is what decent people do. If you stayed involved with him once you learned he was lying to you about his situation then the blame now falls on you as well.

I hope you will reach out to his wife and let her know.

C
I definitely take part of the blame but what I am saying is that if he had never met me, he would have found someone else to cheat with. At the time I met him, I wasn't looking to meet anyone. Hard to explain.
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Old 4th October 2017, 11:10 AM   #11
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I definitely take part of the blame but what I am saying is that if he had never met me, he would have found someone else to cheat with. At the time I met him, I wasn't looking to meet anyone. Hard to explain.
So is this your way of trying to alleviate guilt on your part? You are right he probably would have just went on to the next woman that would give him what he wanted. If you finally got away from him why would you accept his call? Why would you open yourself to him like that again?

What will you do with this new information now that you have it?


C
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Old 4th October 2017, 11:15 AM   #12
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I'm staying out of his life 100%. Reaching out to his wife would just add drama to my life and I am done with their drama. I also think it's possible she has accepted he is a cheater and has decided to be okay with that flaw in his nature.
Not if he still has access to speak with you about anything. A purely legal discussion would not involve anything regarding his personal life. Anonymous notification is possible.
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Old 4th October 2017, 11:24 AM   #13
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I also think it's possible she has accepted he is a cheater and has decided to be okay with that flaw in his nature.
OK, then if that is the case then no damage done if you tell her what she already knows.
The fact he is bragging about his new OW and slyly laughing about it to you, makes you complicit in the deceit.

I get you want to shirk away from the drama but try not to justify it by the usual OW/MM/AP excuse that the spouse knows but she is OK with it, or she just doesn't want to know...
Yeah right!
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Old 4th October 2017, 12:47 PM   #14
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The title of your thread implies that this is proof that you didn't start the affair. Who are you trying to prove this to? Yourself?? I don't get it. This is about your 4th thread here with you telling us how bad this guy is. You have no control over him. You only have control over yourself. Forget about him. Worry about yourself. Only then will you start to heal.
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Old 4th October 2017, 1:15 PM   #15
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I am really not quite sure what your really trying to say.
The title of this thread is misleading, which is why I think people are having trouble understanding her point.
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