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Did you ever get a sorry?


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 3rd October 2017, 2:28 AM   #1
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Did you ever get a sorry?

Did your mm or mw every say they were sorry for hurting you and leading you on?

I wish ex mm would say sorry would make dealing with him better for me. Hes the father of my son. his wife stay with him so i have to deal with her, shes not very nice to me.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 8:18 AM   #2
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Sorry??

My last AP I told her I was sorry. And I was. And am. She never said anything like that to me. Went into full victim mode after dday. I did not and do not expect any apology from her. I treated her terribly.

D.D.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 8:58 AM   #3
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Wanting a sorry to fix a problem is like wanting an inground pool to fix a hot summer. The sorry won’t make you feel better, just like a pool won’t keep August from being hot, and once you get one a whole host of problems you never planned for will pop up.

“Oh he’s sorry now? What took him so long?”

“You just did X, Y, and Z... So much for being sorry, I guess.”

“You said you were sorry, but nothing changed. I want a sorry that means something.”

“Now you’re sorry, but what about your wife?”

Don’t work on getting a sorry and don’t waste time trying to get one. It changes nothing and it fixes nothing. Work on trying to understand why he still matters that much to you and what you can do to move on from him and your feelings for him.

A lot of the time, people confuse wanting a sorry with wanting leverage (“you said you were sorry, if you were sorry, you wouldn’t do this/treat me this way/treat our child this way.”), or some sort of evidence that they’ll stop being a hassle you have to deal with. In the first situation, a sorry is meaningless for leverage and the second situation it’s meaningless for security.

Work on not needing an apology, not hoping to get one.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 6:20 PM   #4
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No. But he reminded me he told me in the beginning of our A that someone always got hurt in these relationships. I'd have been upset at "I'm sorry," it would have made me feel like a mistake.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 7:25 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by misspalmy View Post
Did your mm or mw every say they were sorry for hurting you and leading you on?

I wish ex mm would say sorry would make dealing with him better for me. Hes the father of my son. his wife stay with him so i have to deal with her, shes not very nice to me.
Your exMM isn't ever going to apologize to you. He should, but he won't. I hope you can forgive yourself for believing him and forgive him for being a jerk. This will help lessen your pain and hopefully give you some peace so you can go on without feeling hurt and anger towards him.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 10:05 PM   #6
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"I'm sorry" is about as meaningless as "I love you" when there is no action behind it. He did say it but it was more about him being sorry that he could not magically remove himself from this mess and would I please just get over it already and his life just return to the boring, drama-free state it was before. He did not do the few things I asked (leave me alone, no contact, no talking), he was not sorry. He was cocky.

But now, I hope he looks in the mirror everyday and wishes it was his last day on earth. I wish him nothing but misery.
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Old 4th October 2017, 9:16 AM   #7
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Finally, after over a year of basically no contact, we did tell each other we were sorry for hurting each other and his family. I didn't really feel he was being heartfelt about it but he at least said he was. The exMM has had a couple OW since me so it really didn't matter. The sad part was he told me he was working on winning his wife back but also showed me he found another OW that his wife knows nothing about. He said she is so focused on being concerned about him ever being in contact with me and only asks him if I have tried making contact which allows him to be honest that we haven't and he gets to be with the new OW without questions. Guess it goes to show that if you are married to a cheater, never focus on the OW, because there is a new one lined up once the one you know about is gone.
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Old 4th October 2017, 10:45 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by misspalmy View Post
Did your mm or mw every say they were sorry for hurting you and leading you on?

I wish ex mm would say sorry would make dealing with him better for me. Hes the father of my son. his wife stay with him so i have to deal with her, shes not very nice to me.
My guess is he's not sorry, as he probably doesn't feel bad about his actions.

Waiting for him to actually be able to empathize with your situation is like trying to fill a bucket with a sieve. It's likely never going to happen, and you'll drive yourself batty waiting.
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Old 4th October 2017, 10:50 AM   #9
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Guess it goes to show that if you are married to a cheater, never focus on the OW, because there is a new one lined up once the one you know about is gone.
... and the man that cheated on you with her is still the same man. This happened to me exactly like you wrote. Once I actually figured this out, this very sentiment I left him and he continued to string countless chicks along at the same time just minus me, the wife.
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Old 4th October 2017, 3:16 PM   #10
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... and the man that cheated on you with her is still the same man. This happened to me exactly like you wrote. Once I actually figured this out, this very sentiment I left him and he continued to string countless chicks along at the same time just minus me, the wife.
I did get a sorry but it was more like ‘sorry I cant give you everything you want’... its like eating a mud cake... you dont know if its cake or mud that you must react to. So a ‘sorry’ is useless most of the time, sorry or not give yourself the gift of moving on and thrive ( AND NOT REPEAT).

The above might be my case too... i dont know if its countless but it could well be and he is capable of it.. Given second chance, I would not choose be a part of his harem even for a sec but yeah the reality is that I was a suckfer for 8 months .. well better sooner than late.
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Old 4th October 2017, 8:38 PM   #11
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I did get a sorry but it was more like ‘sorry I cant give you everything you want’... its like eating a mud cake... you dont know if its cake or mud that you must react to.
Yeah I got that one too. Mostly I just know my xMM would never apologize for the things that matter.

**I want a sorry for how he very purposefully told me he loved me -- because he knew it would make me finally cave in and engage.

**I want a sorry for that time he told me he'd take all he'd learned from me, my worldview, and take it back to his wife to improve his marriage

**I want a sorry for how he never, not once, asked how I was doing after we went LC, even as I fell apart

**I want a sorry for how when I finally broke it off, he decided to twist the knife by telling me how happy he was now with his wife.

**And I want a sorry for how when I had a weak moment 8 mos ago and texted him, he just couldn't man up and say no never, but told me he "wasn't ready to talk yet" to keep stringing me along

But I'll never get a sorry for any of those things. So I don't want a goddamn thing from that man now.

Last edited by FoundMyStrength; 4th October 2017 at 9:56 PM..
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Old 4th October 2017, 10:22 PM   #12
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He wants to see his son. i think for all of us to move on it needs to be done for the baby sake.
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Old 5th October 2017, 4:53 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by FoundMyStrength View Post
Yeah I got that one too. Mostly I just know my xMM would never apologize for the things that matter.

**I want a sorry for how he very purposefully told me he loved me -- because he knew it would make me finally cave in and engage.

**I want a sorry for that time he told me he'd take all he'd learned from me, my worldview, and take it back to his wife to improve his marriage

**I want a sorry for how he never, not once, asked how I was doing after we went LC, even as I fell apart

**I want a sorry for how when I finally broke it off, he decided to twist the knife by telling me how happy he was now with his wife.

**And I want a sorry for how when I had a weak moment 8 mos ago and texted him, he just couldn't man up and say no never, but told me he "wasn't ready to talk yet" to keep stringing me along

But I'll never get a sorry for any of those things. So I don't want a goddamn thing from that man now.
aww... you deserve more than a sorry... but honey, they arnt sorry for what they done to us, they are heartless.
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Old 5th October 2017, 5:11 AM   #14
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He wants to see his son. i think for all of us to move on it needs to be done for the baby sake.
Ask him to man up and keep pants up when he sees his son. You... please DO NOT have weak moments, he thought you deserved this, ergo treated you this way... dont go any lower, its time to raise.
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Old 5th October 2017, 4:01 PM   #15
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Miss Palmy,

The only apology I was given was in response to the one I gave him. In this way, I perceived his apology to be a mirror to mine. He may have felt somewhat obligated to say it... who knows.. He may or may not have felt sorry, but I perceived that he did not. And that is OK, because I am actually sorry and was able to convey this sentiment.

In my case, I have felt that the action behind my sorry is that I will endeavor not to engage further with this man who has obligations elsewhere and cannot meet my needs or wants.

So, I agree with several other posters: a sorry without an action is quite meaningless.

Then and again...

Your situation is very different, as you two have a child together. I am not sure I would see him in a private setting alone, if I were you.

He doesn't have to apologize to you to see his child or to have a bond or relationship with his child if he goes through legal channels. I agree, an apology would be best (or nice or easiest for you to forgive anyway), but... he is not likely to do it, and if he does, he is not likely to mean it.

You'll have to learn to be strong enough to guard against his particular type of abuse.

You'll have to prioritize your child's best interest.

You'll also have to learn to eventually see this man for who/what he is so that you can protect yourself from further hurt.

You could start through the court system and not meeting this man alone under any circumstances for some length of time.
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