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-   -   When xMM moves on to another OW (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/636325-when-xmm-moves-another-ow)

jah526 30th September 2017 4:21 PM

When xMM moves on to another OW
 
Just wondering if anyone has experienced this, and how did you feel?

I know I did the right thing in ending it and going NC but knowing that he's going to move on or has moved on to someone else brings up a lot of feelings for me. Anxiety mainly. Jealousy, that the next one will be treated better. A sense of injustice, that he isn't getting what he deserves. A feeling of loss, maybe. Maybe I'm not over it yet and haven't quite gotten to the point where I think "good riddance and good luck to the next one".

How do you get beyond this?

carhill 30th September 2017 4:47 PM

I ran into a number of serial/concurrent MW's in my 20's and got through it by accepting that they are who they are and letting it go. Easy? Nah, not easy. TBH, looking back on that period many years later I knew instinctively what was going on but was purposely rejecting those instincts because of infatuation and reproductive drives, steeped in socialization to believe in and trust women. Comical, actually.

Obviously, I've got the genders switched here but the dynamic IME is pretty equal opportunity. The specifics may vary by person or gender but the impact potentials are pretty similar IMO.

One glaring takeaway I processed much later was the understanding that, not having had marked incidents of betrayal at a young age, whether in family or during peer integration, I didn't have the sense for it or the tools to process it and 'get over it' the way someone with more varied life skills in that regard might. Nowadays, no biggie. Humans are nice but replaceable. Billions around. We all like to think we're important. Life goes on.

ja123 30th September 2017 4:52 PM

I haven't been there with an xMM, but with my Ex's ... the new women invariably got the fruits of all that was good that they learned from me.

Best to keep NC.

BaileyB 30th September 2017 5:11 PM

Is gratitude appropriate?

Be grateful that you were strong enough to leave an unhealthy relationship, grateful for all you have learned about yourself and all you want from a relationship from this experience, and grateful that he is not your problem anymore... You know the drama and pain that is in the future for this woman - better her than you?

starswewillnavigate 1st October 2017 5:47 AM

I think it all comes down to how you feel about yourself. If you have low self esteem and self worth, you're always going to ask "why wasn't I good enough."

You obviously have self worth, you walked away. I think Bailey is right, feel gratitude.

On a slightly different note...
I sometimes wonder if any of my xMM's xOW have posted here as well. It makes me think he can only cause pain.

elaine567 1st October 2017 6:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jah526 (Post 7427859)
Just wondering if anyone has experienced this, and how did you feel?

I know I did the right thing in ending it and going NC but knowing that he's going to move on or has moved on to someone else brings up a lot of feelings for me. Anxiety mainly. Jealousy, that the next one will be treated better. A sense of injustice, that he isn't getting what he deserves. A feeling of loss, maybe. Maybe I'm not over it yet and haven't quite gotten to the point where I think "good riddance and good luck to the next one".

How do you get beyond this?

Time and sometimes more importantly a desire to get over it and come out the other side.
Some will wallow and feel "happy" wallowing and waste good years of their life wallowing in misery. Usually over people who didn't even want them in the first place.
We can't force people to want us or treat us well or right, they do what they want to do.
No point in grieving for the man you wanted him to be, he was not that man, was he?
He was simply a man who walked along the path of life with you for a while, but you chose a different path and you will be fine.

BourneWicked 1st October 2017 8:55 AM

Ugh sorry Jah. When I'm trying to move on, I find it easiest to focus on what's wrong. If you were together, would you really have the same ideas on what to do on a Saturday morning? Would you want to watch the same movies? Would he bring you coffee in bed, or would he be sleeping in, recovering from a night of trying to pick up coworkers at the bar? Think of all the bad that wouldn't make the relationship work. Like, say, his lax boundaries.

Also... while you may have reservations about telling his wife, I don't think you should have any reservations about telling his new gf about his situation. Probably she thinks she's 'special' to lure him away from his marriage. Although this is a work situation, and might be delicate, if MM in my situation had any former relationships (I think yes, but I don't think they moved past EA) I wish someone had said to me, "Oh have fun with MM, he's really funny and wonderful to talk to, and does a really sweet sort of stalking that you will find quite enjoyable." Perhaps that would have been enough to keep me away. Perhaps you have an opportunity to save this new woman a pile of pain.

FoundMyStrength 1st October 2017 3:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by starswewillnavigate (Post 7428149)
You obviously have self worth, you walked away. I think Bailey is right, feel gratitude.

Exactly. That's how I try to feel, jah. Your xMM, my xMM, they are just sad little men who never figured out how to be real men. He didn't respect you, he doesn't respect his wife, he won't respect this woman. She's just his new play thing. He finally got bored enough to find a new toy because you refused to play ball. We should ALL feel grateful to have these MM out of our lives.

jah526 1st October 2017 4:22 PM

TBH, I was at the point a few months ago where I was ready to give up and give in to whatever he wanted from me. And then he did something so hurtful that I knew if I continued that it would be my complete and total abasement, and then I would be discarded. So I am grateful I got out before it got to that point. And I am grateful for all the good people on this board who have helped me tremendously over the past (nearly) year.

As a side note, I have decided to restart therapy again. I'm hoping it helps me be stronger.

deadsoul 1st October 2017 6:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jah526 (Post 7428495)
TBH, I was at the point a few months ago where I was ready to give up and give in to whatever he wanted from me. And then he did something so hurtful that I knew if I continued that it would be my complete and total abasement, and then I would be discarded. So I am grateful I got out before it got to that point. And I am grateful for all the good people on this board who have helped me tremendously over the past (nearly) year.

As a side note, I have decided to restart therapy again. I'm hoping it helps me be stronger.

Great idea on the therapy. It has helped me a lot. Someday, not today or even tomorrow, but someday, you will look back and know that he did you a huge favor by setting his sights on someone else. Know that. I believe that if you get yourself to a healthy place, this will happen. Right now you might feel rejected, like, why wasn't I good enough? But if you do, know that YOU are putting your self-worth into someone who just frankly does not deserve to have that much power. He's a jerk and all he did was hurt you. Know that a lot of your feelings are part of the addiction and ride them out.

You got out. You are getting stronger. He won't like that and will try to do things to hurt you because he's a sad, pathetic excuse for a human being. Wish him happiness (in your mind, of course because NO CONTACT) and also thank him for the lessons (also in your mind). I believe I've said this to you before and I know I have to say it to myself CONSTANTLY, but you know what? I'm believing it now.

This is a case where I will be proud to say I told you so. A year from now, if you keep growing and working on yourself, you will get there. I believe it. Just take a day at a time, though. Don't think about that year from now. Just think about getting through each day and loving yourself. Take care. You've come so far. Sometimes it isn't going to be easy, but YOU'VE got this! You've come a long way from where you were last year, so it's happening.

MidnightBlue1980 1st October 2017 9:36 PM

I experienced this and it hurt a lot. It took him about 2 weeks after it ended to move on to someone else. It ended abruptly as my H called his W and he told his W I was crazy, etc, so it ended in a nanosecond. His wife believed him, so he was able to freely move on. I got to experience it in real time as I had the pleasure of watching him do the exact same things that he did with me. I was dealing with the aftermath in my personal life of the fallout plus getting to see exactly how little I meant literally right in front of my face.

I would get angry with him, which made me seem very sad and pathetic to him. He would get irritated with me as he had clearly moved on, why couldn't I? "Let's just be friends" was his line but I hated his guts more than I can convey here. The whole "I love you" thing is just a line and a game to these guys, something they use to basically get in women's pants.

You need to trust that karma gets these guys. You don't have to do anything. What you reap, you sow. You need to just move on with your own life, be thankful it is not you as his wife or his latest OW. You are free to create your own destiny.

For me, his wife busted into his phone, not sure what she saw but she did see him harassing me out of pure cockiness, thinking he was a god, and she made him go away. Poof. His freedom ended that day and the shackles went on him. I happened to see him once months later and he was a shadow of a man. Not arrogant or cocky at all. They all get theirs in the end.

Vivir 1st October 2017 10:53 PM

In my case, xMM would simply tell me about all of the women who threw themselves at him. Often, they were the women all of the other men wanted and he would ignore. He would tell me that these women wanted him, but he wanted me (this was supposed to make me realize my mistake in trying to push him out of my life). When I would remind him that he was married, he would respond as if his actual wife was an afterthought!

In having dealt with the experience and aftermath of being an OW, jealousy is there, but it is far down on my list when I think of him with another OW (though I will admit that it is VERY high on the list when I think of his wife! Which is crazy considering...).

I just think that 1) these women have NO IDEA what they are getting themselves into (they are in for some serious pain) and 2) he is setting himself up for failure if he thinks these women are not going to try to ruin him when he tires of them. I honestly feel he got lucky as I walked away quietly.

He was supposed to have learned his lesson and returned to being a faithful husband. I hope that all of that future OW talk was just talk and that he hasn't gone down that road... but if he has... oh well. He is his wife's problem.

As for how to get beyond this... well. I really appreciate the replies you've already received, but I want to share with you a blog post you've probably already read. It served to make me feel a TON better, and I remember it often.

One day at a time, jah526, one day at a time.

jah526 1st October 2017 11:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vivir (Post 7428758)
In my case, xMM would simply tell me about all of the women who threw themselves at him. Often, they were the women all of the other men wanted and he would ignore. He would tell me that these women wanted him, but he wanted me (this was supposed to make me realize my mistake in trying to push him out of my life). When I would remind him that he was married, he would respond as if his actual wife was an afterthought!

I got the same thing too - "I could hook up with any of these beautiful women but I chose you". This kind of stuff really screws with your head, because you want to believe it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vivir (Post 7428758)
As for how to get beyond this... well. I really appreciate the replies you've already received, but I want to share with you a blog post you've probably already read. It served to make me feel a TON better, and I remember it often.

Natalie from Baggage Reclaim is awesome. I frequent that site often but haven't seen that particular post.

Bittersweetie 2nd October 2017 12:40 PM

My MM actually dumped me for another OW. Because I "deserved more than he could give" and we would always stay "special friends." I was incredibly angry and upset because we were soul mates, how could he do this? I could understand if he went back to his wife, but another OW?

And stupidly instead of seeing him for what he was, I kept in contact because of course we had a connection that was special. And sure enough, after his OW and his wife dumped him (though I didn't know that until later) he came back. And I was so excited. Ugh, because then even more damage was done.

Be glad you are free from this man and don't allow him to do more damage to you. Therapy helped me a lot too, along with a lot of self reflection. GL.

FoundMyStrength 2nd October 2017 5:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MidnightBlue1980 (Post 7428710)
The whole "I love you" thing is just a line and a game to these guys, something they use to basically get in women's pants.

You need to trust that karma gets these guys. You don't have to do anything. What you reap, you sow.

Yes on both counts. One of the more enlightening things about this was the response of my male friends. "Of course he told you he loved you. You wouldn't have done what he wanted otherwise." Men know what men do.

And yeah, I believe in karma. Both ways. I think I got some of it myself and I sure as h*ll hope some goes his way too.

And jah, your xMM deserves a sh*t ton of karma.


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