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When xMM moves on to another OW


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 11th October 2017, 4:23 AM   #31
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My MM told me recently that he is struggling so much with the end of our A that he has started to confide in a female friend via messenger. He doesn't seem to realise that this could very well lead him straight into a new EA! He said that would never happen because he'd never do this again - this was the first and last A for both of us. BUT the kicker was that he said he wouldn't go there anyway because she's about to get married. Er...hello?! I'm married. You're married. Boundaries don't seem to be your biggest problem, you idiot.

The annoying thing is that I felt horribly jealous. And I know he saw that. Cue more self loathing for me...
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Old 11th October 2017, 10:11 AM   #32
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My MM told me recently that he is struggling so much with the end of our A that he has started to confide in a female friend via messenger. He doesn't seem to realise that this could very well lead him straight into a new EA! He said that would never happen because he'd never do this again - this was the first and last A for both of us. BUT the kicker was that he said he wouldn't go there anyway because she's about to get married. Er...hello?! I'm married. You're married. Boundaries don't seem to be your biggest problem, you idiot.

The annoying thing is that I felt horribly jealous. And I know he saw that. Cue more self loathing for me...
This behavior is called fishing. He's trying to suck you back in. Stay strong!
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Old 11th October 2017, 10:49 AM   #33
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My MM told me recently that he is struggling so much with the end of our A that he has started to confide in a female friend via messenger. He doesn't seem to realise that this could very well lead him straight into a new EA! He said that would never happen because he'd never do this again - this was the first and last A for both of us. BUT the kicker was that he said he wouldn't go there anyway because she's about to get married. Er...hello?! I'm married. You're married. Boundaries don't seem to be your biggest problem, you idiot.

The annoying thing is that I felt horribly jealous. And I know he saw that. Cue more self loathing for me...
He managed to find a women to confide in within 4 days of NC?... their ability to hook on is immense , these MMs < shakes head>

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Old 12th October 2017, 10:02 PM   #34
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I will tell you whats happening with me right now...

Gosh theres this old friend of mine who I discovered in our social party. Yes we were good friends at school but I actually forgot all about it as it was just a 2 yr period and its been a decade+ outta school.

I have absolutely NO intention to entertain him... nope, after all I went thru. I just keep a normal relation but I like his wife but still, I keep it minimal coz I am just over cautious now.

This guy has been texting me over and over again, I had ignored his texts and given him clues that i aint into small talk. He refuses to get it. I aint afraid to tell ‘dude please slow down’ without coating but it will happen soon.

Now, what I have been feeling is the feeling where the other person is showing the signs of hook up and I try avoid them. I have done this before but NOW is different because now I feel this is what my xMM had felt ... It makes me sad because I know I now got no respect for this person and I am giving him frivolous replies in vague intervals.... for a period of time my xMM did the same thing with me... He should have had no respect for me, now I get it in full view ( well i knew it).

BUT

I am a better person than him in this case because he never wanted me but kept me stringing with his few good boost messages to get material stuff outta me ( I spent some £800+ on him..well). I AM NOT that flimsy , I have never been. It amazes me as well like you on how a person can play with other so callously just to get what they want even thou they dont want them
around or love or respect them. Its like purely exploiting their weak feeling over you.

I will never go down to that level... I am busy shooing this one... politely or otherwise. When I dont want him, I dont want ANYTHING from him.

Sorry put my own story but wanted you to know that I was also wondering on these players.


About this - I think that when you're unclear about yourself, or about your value, you give certain signals that attract these kind of menfolk.

But yeah. The point is - know your value. Know what you're worth. Know what's important to you, and what you will and won't settle for.

What you say about people playing each other just to see what they can get... it's true. Most of us have flaws, waiting for others to exploit. But this is the true sign that someone isn't worth your time. When you realize that they're pushing a button that only they can see. The kind person unravels that and helps you heal; the time thieves and the narcissists use it to make themselves feel better.
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Old 12th October 2017, 10:20 PM   #35
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I think it's so hard because it feels like losing that one central figure in our lives all over again. A few weeks ago I decided I needed to get some help and have started seeing a counselor again. I think it's helping just to have someone listen in a compassionate way, outside of my friends and family, whom I've already burdened too much.

I think of the ups and downs like waves in the ocean during a storm. Right now you're in the middle of it and the waves are tossing you around, but they're going to get smaller and gentler if you keep on going. The goal is to find that calm water and an even keel. Forgive yourself for the lapses and just keep moving forward. You will be ok.
Thanks for this.. that's exactly what it is. There was a moment when he left that I relived age five again, where my father disappeared from my life. Really, having that moment was almost helpful... I relived that pain and did the same kind of splitting/separation I must have had to do 20+ years ago. It's not really healthy, per se, just repetition of what I already know.

I'm glad you started counseling. I had a couple false starts, but I'm going to try again. I think it's what I need; it's just my serious trust issues make it hard to even find someone to console with in a small town.

The LC is pretty sketchy... he contacts me a little, but it's mostly just friendly, work-related conversation. I think I've hit a point where I realize there's nothing here for me. No future. No anything.

Here's a Practical Magic quote for good measure. Tis the season. :

“Do you ever just put your arms out and just spin and spin and spin? Well, that's what love is like; everything inside of you tells you to stop before you fall, but for some reason you just keep going.”

Oh and while I'm at it, let's throw in some mis-attributed Shakespeare. This is why it's so difficult, so sad, even when it's nothing at all:

"Of all the words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: it might have been."

Anyway, I have good days and bad days. Today is not a great one, but I think tomorrow will be better. And each day after that, as the distance sets in....
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Old 13th October 2017, 9:14 PM   #36
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I am still so confused. I deal with people everyday who are just crappy people. They're mean and hurtful, but at least you know that they are.

But this guy... he was a soft touch. He shielded me from these others and was my safe harbor. His words were soothing, and after talking with him I always felt calm and happy. And then he turned into a completely different person, someone I didn't know. It was like a bunny suddenly turning into a snake.

I am still not sure if this was all part of his game plan. I know after things got physical he told me he was "looking for a f*** buddy", so I have to assume that this manipulation was all part of the game. That it was intentional. That maybe he saw a vulnerability in me, and exploited it.

I really don't understand how I could've fallen for it. And there are times when I look at him and still see just a big lovable goofball. He keeps that snake very well hidden, so much so that you forget it's even there.

That's why he's dangerous. It still scares the crap out of me that I was suckered so easily.
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Old 14th October 2017, 12:33 PM   #37
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Oh Jah... I identify with your story so much. That's my problem with MM... I never let myself be in a relationship with someone so gentle, sweet, and kind. My SO has his own issues that give him a certain lack of respect for women that isn't overt in our relationship, but creates its own strain.

Although it's maybe not your problem, I wonder if your MM has either a porn addiction going on or a history of childhood sexual abuse... the slightly scary story you told on your original thread sounds like one or the other.

The gentle and kind is to some degree part of a game plan, but also surely part of who he is.

But so is the snake...

So I guess if you were to give him the time of day again, you'd be taking your chances. Really, looking back at your posts, the snake side scares me. It seems he is in need of counseling too.
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Old 14th October 2017, 1:28 PM   #38
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Oh Jah... I identify with your story so much. That's my problem with MM... I never let myself be in a relationship with someone so gentle, sweet, and kind. My SO has his own issues that give him a certain lack of respect for women that isn't overt in our relationship, but creates its own strain.

Although it's maybe not your problem, I wonder if your MM has either a porn addiction going on or a history of childhood sexual abuse... the slightly scary story you told on your original thread sounds like one or the other.

The gentle and kind is to some degree part of a game plan, but also surely part of who he is.

But so is the snake...

So I guess if you were to give him the time of day again, you'd be taking your chances. Really, looking back at your posts, the snake side scares me. It seems he is in need of counseling too.
Hi Bourne,

I'm not going back to him. Not even as a friend. I tried that before - I offered my friendship, and he promised that we wouldn't be involved again. Three days later he was enticing me into his car again, bait-and-switching me into going to my place instead of where we'd planned to go. I was ready to give up and give in to him at that point, just do whatever he asked of me. And then the next day I found out he'd lied to me, and was either dating or trying to date the woman he was triangulating me with. It was crushing, and at that point I decided never to go back.

So, I don't really believe that kindness lure he set for me in the beginning was ever real. I think it's his front. It's what I needed so badly, and I think he knew that. I still want to believe, and I tried so many times to get back to that. But it never came back, and I just kept getting bitten over and over again.

As for him having a porn addiction or having been abused - could be. I think he had a difficult upbringing in a poor and violent country. He probably does need counseling. But I've learned that I can't be the one to help him. And I learned that I need to heal myself.

Hope you're doing ok.
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Old 14th October 2017, 6:08 PM   #39
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Thank you. Ok pretty much covers it. Probably I could go update my thread instead of hijacking yours...!

It's good to hear you so final. I wish I was feeling as "done" as you are. Absolutely agree that you can't be the one to help him... similar set up with me and MM, where we dances circles around our childhood hurts. Those are not there for me to kiss and put a bandaid on; those are for his wife.

In some ways, I think the snake coming out in him is a blessing in disguise. Although painful, it makes it easier to move on. Easier to tap out.

In my situation, I've tried to find inconsistencies in MM's stories, but he's mostly a kind, decent guy. You know, outside of me. I thought he was triangulating, but I think it was my own jealous mind creating a situation that wasn't really there. Which... is something I have a history of...

Regardless, it doesn't change that little fact that he's married and anything I could want has no future.

This work situation is just the worst. I'm on this LC roller coaster. It's better than the high contact roller coaster, but not much. I really don't know how to get past it, short of finding a new job. We were NC for a few days, but work things required contact and it gets me back to the same place. Or... close. I'm a little better.

When I'm thinking about him, I try to picture what he's up to with his wife and kids. It's actually helpful.. it creates a sort of distance and reminds me "not yours".

Ugh. I wish I could go back in time and fix my behavior. A different job is the only way I see out, except it's hard to match my pay and set up. I will consider myself lucky, considering your situation. Fortunately I don't work in the same building as him. Unfortunately, it still sucks.
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Old 14th October 2017, 7:48 PM   #40
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Thank you. Ok pretty much covers it. Probably I could go update my thread instead of hijacking yours...!

It's good to hear you so final. I wish I was feeling as "done" as you are. Absolutely agree that you can't be the one to help him... similar set up with me and MM, where we dances circles around our childhood hurts. Those are not there for me to kiss and put a bandaid on; those are for his wife.

In some ways, I think the snake coming out in him is a blessing in disguise. Although painful, it makes it easier to move on. Easier to tap out.

In my situation, I've tried to find inconsistencies in MM's stories, but he's mostly a kind, decent guy. You know, outside of me. I thought he was triangulating, but I think it was my own jealous mind creating a situation that wasn't really there. Which... is something I have a history of...

Regardless, it doesn't change that little fact that he's married and anything I could want has no future.

This work situation is just the worst. I'm on this LC roller coaster. It's better than the high contact roller coaster, but not much. I really don't know how to get past it, short of finding a new job. We were NC for a few days, but work things required contact and it gets me back to the same place. Or... close. I'm a little better.

When I'm thinking about him, I try to picture what he's up to with his wife and kids. It's actually helpful.. it creates a sort of distance and reminds me "not yours".

Ugh. I wish I could go back in time and fix my behavior. A different job is the only way I see out, except it's hard to match my pay and set up. I will consider myself lucky, considering your situation. Fortunately I don't work in the same building as him. Unfortunately, it still sucks.
Glad to know you're doing ok. Don't mind you updating this thread at all.

I agree that working together is very difficult. And I need to leave my job for other reasons also. But, easier said than done, especially when my self-esteem is so low. Part of me wishes I could go back and change things, and part of me was just grateful for the physical companionship. But yeah, for all the pain it caused (me), it wasn't really worth it.

I'm glad your MM was good to you. I get what you're saying about it being harder to let go because of that, but at least you know someone cared about you. You can savor that. This experience has left me with some trust issues, I think, and a lot of confusion, because I don't really know who he is.

But I do believe that good relationships have to be founded on trust and honesty. And really, how can you ever have that with someone who is deceiving his or her SO?
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Old 15th October 2017, 4:06 PM   #41
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Glad to know you're doing ok. Don't mind you updating this thread at all.

I agree that working together is very difficult. And I need to leave my job for other reasons also. But, easier said than done, especially when my self-esteem is so low. Part of me wishes I could go back and change things, and part of me was just grateful for the physical companionship. But yeah, for all the pain it caused (me), it wasn't really worth it.
I get this too... I get physical contact at home, but it's primarily sexual. Like, there isn't much cuddling, kissing, anything like that.. it immediately turns sexual. So that's what got me with MM too, that gentle touch. It's so, so hard not to think about. Someone commented on another thread - to a degree, his wife may have trained that behavior in him. So that's something I use to try to push it away in my head.

RE: self-esteem, do you have other hobbies/prospects/passions/things that boost your self esteem? Something that is so important, that I will teach my children - self-esteem!! Honestly, I wouldn't have been in the majority of the romantic relationships I've had in my life if I had self-esteem, and thought I was worth wanting, asking, and expecting certain things in a relationship.


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I'm glad your MM was good to you. I get what you're saying about it being harder to let go because of that, but at least you know someone cared about you. You can savor that. This experience has left me with some trust issues, I think, and a lot of confusion, because I don't really know who he is.
Hmm.. I don't doubt that in your situation he cared about you too. However, obviously his own demons are much stronger than any concern he may have had for you. It sounds like he made some desperate attempts to try to get you back. Certainly, these sort of experiences change your views on human nature...

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But I do believe that good relationships have to be founded on trust and honesty. And really, how can you ever have that with someone who is deceiving his or her SO?
So very true. I think this is why the cognitive dissonance of "he's a good guy!" and "he's cheating on his wife!" can only go on so long. It's crazy-making.

I really do care about him immensely...

Not sure that it's possible, but hoping we can just have an amicable work relationship until such time as it's feasible to get a different job. I feel like that's largely contingent on me having strong boundaries and concentrating on myself...

Continued good luck to you!
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Old 16th October 2017, 7:40 PM   #42
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I find myself in a similar world. Without the definitive’ he moved on’, I know he’s always fishing. I know I am one of many. It’s evident. And I can’t believe it took me so long to open my eyes and say WTF. I think I had hoped he was “a good guy” deep inside. And I knew that it wasn’t my place to feel jealousy anyway. I mean who am I to be jealous? I always think of his wife and say to myself she can be the one harboring those feelings. Not me. And how incredibly selfish is that of me. But now here I am. Feeling jealous of those other women he woo’s via text. Knowing that when he turns on that charm it’s addicting. And wanting to feel that surge of excitement that he gives. But slap across the face reality. He will do to them what he does to me. They will be just as confused as I at times. They will have that lingering hope that today he will text and tell them what they want to hear.
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Old 16th October 2017, 7:45 PM   #43
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I find myself in a similar world. Without the definitive’ he moved on’, I know he’s always fishing. I know I am one of many. It’s evident. And I can’t believe it took me so long to open my eyes and say WTF. I think I had hoped he was “a good guy” deep inside. And I knew that it wasn’t my place to feel jealousy anyway. I mean, who am I to be jealous? I always think of his wife and say to myself she can be the one harboring those feelings, Not me. And how incredibly selfish is that of me. But now here I am. Feeling jealous of those other women he woo’s via text. Knowing that when he turns on that charm it’s addicting. And wanting to feel that surge of excitement that he gives. But slap across the face reality. He will do to them what he does to me. They will be just as confused as I at times. They will have that lingering hope that today he will text and tell them what they want to hear.
So although you may feel that jealousy and desire to be on the other end. They are just embarking on that journey ahead. That roller coaster of a storm. You are not completely out but there’s a light ahead for you. No more wondering. There’s only hope ahead.
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Old 16th October 2017, 8:44 PM   #44
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So that's what got me with MM too, that gentle touch. It's so, so hard not to think about. Someone commented on another thread - to a degree, his wife may have trained that behavior in him. So that's something I use to try to push it away in my head.
I never saw that on another thread, but I agree with that.
I believe that is one reason why MM are so addictive, they have had the rough edges knocked off of them by their experience with a committed woman, so they present a very attractive face to many other women too.

They are also look like the "good guys", the guys who were willing to get married, have kids and settle down and that is also an attractive quality to many women who may have had to wade through the bitter, the misogynists, the commitment phobes, the psychopaths, the weak and the needy.. etc. etc.
They present the image of a "normal" guy and they usually know how to lay it on thick too, so they are irresistible...
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Old 17th October 2017, 5:52 PM   #45
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I find myself in a similar world. Without the definitive’ he moved on’, I know he’s always fishing. I know I am one of many. It’s evident. And I can’t believe it took me so long to open my eyes and say WTF. I think I had hoped he was “a good guy” deep inside. And I knew that it wasn’t my place to feel jealousy anyway. I mean, who am I to be jealous? I always think of his wife and say to myself she can be the one harboring those feelings, Not me. And how incredibly selfish is that of me. But now here I am. Feeling jealous of those other women he woo’s via text. Knowing that when he turns on that charm it’s addicting. And wanting to feel that surge of excitement that he gives. But slap across the face reality. He will do to them what he does to me. They will be just as confused as I at times. They will have that lingering hope that today he will text and tell them what they want to hear.
So although you may feel that jealousy and desire to be on the other end. They are just embarking on that journey ahead. That roller coaster of a storm. You are not completely out but there’s a light ahead for you. No more wondering. There’s only hope ahead.

Yes this... I heard him fishing today, unbeknownst to him. Could it just be friendly, work talk? Sure, just like he does with me. The worst part is, he's been nibbling at my boundaries again and I feel like i'm back where I started. It's so FRUSTRATING. I realize that I'm the one doing this, giving a little here, giving a little there. When we were NC (outside of 1 to 2 work-related group items) I was finally starting to feel better. He was miserable. Now he's got me back where he wants me, and can be free to chit chat with other attractive women, and toe that line, and make them available to him for his next visit.

I really feel like the only way out of this is another job. I want to die (not literally... I just want to die !)

I try to think... his poor wife. Likely she knows his behavior from the 15 years or whatever they've been together. Likely she knows he's a serial flirt. Likely she knows he fishes at work and doesn't care at this point, because he comes home to be a pain in her butt and no one else's.

I'm really struggling.

This other chick, she's also married but I can tell she likes him too. What I'm probably most jealous of is that she hasn't crossed that line, and she can play the innocent little game with him. "It's just work!" I have a coworker who's divorcing... she talks about how bad it is and how she wishes she could just fastforward to 6 months in the future. When things are better.

I wish the same. But I have to put in the work now for that to happen... and it's so very difficult.

Also, I said that I'm kind of a crazy jealous person and have exaggerated things in the past. This could be that... but there's a couple things that make me think it's something. Probably, I'm jealous of that feeling she got today from him that I didn't. And again... the thing is... does it even matter? End of the day, he's not even mine to be jealous of, so why waste my time?

I hate this stupid jealousy. I hate when I go from this place of "okay" to this ridiculous feeling of despair. I need to remind myself that this is all about me. Before I ever said "okay" there were things that made him less than ideal, even if he were an option for me. What really draws me back to him (aside from his charm and good looks!) is knowing that he can make me feel second best. That feeling I had as the younger child, growing up. That I will never be first choice, or first priority.

I want to say "do me a favor, and leave me the f*** alone." I tried it polite, and maybe I need to try it less polite.

The worst part is... I just want to find someone else as a replacement for my feelings (like maybe he's doing). I know this isn't the healthy response - and fortunately for me, it won't happen. He's a very special set of circumstances/combination of things that I like. So I'm weak, but at least I'm picky about my weaknesses.

Anyway, thanks for listening. The comments on this forum really help. Knowing others feel the same. Knowing we're struggling together.
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