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When xMM moves on to another OW


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 3rd October 2017, 3:37 AM   #16
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Well mine told me he had one before me and he had to let go her even if both were ready to marry ( tell me more about how he was ready) because of his daughter.

.. after all of the things he went thru that women, he and her are still ‘friends’.. she is seperated, he stands married.

(She was still there)Next it was me...

I am sure there willbe someone after me but thankfully I am at a point where I say to myself ‘ he is what he is, his life’ I basically refuse to be a fallback for these kind of people ( men or women).. they respect no one but themselves. They fallback because they can bleed us dry not because they need help.

I was only there for 8 months...That previous women’s been and still is.. gosh, some serious self esteem issues because all he uses OWs is for his ego boosting. Poor exOW of his, and.. poor wife of his and poor future OWs of his. I feel bad for them but I am thankfull I aint part of the circus anymore.

Good Luck you are there.. just hold on... the light is near

Last edited by freengreen; 3rd October 2017 at 3:47 AM..
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Old 7th October 2017, 6:19 PM   #17
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How are you holding up Jah?
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Old 7th October 2017, 9:36 PM   #18
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Thanks for asking, Bourne. It's the hardest question for me to answer. Been up and down. Trying to keep myself busy, and that helps.

I am so confused about everything, wish I had answers. Maybe therapy will help some.
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Old 7th October 2017, 10:09 PM   #19
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try to think to your self your luck its not you now, i found affairs wasnt good for my mental heath. in time you will heal and move on but the ow will have deal with the same as what you are now.

hope thinks work out for you
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Old 8th October 2017, 9:38 AM   #20
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I guess what I'm struggling with the most is how people can hurt others, only think of themselves, and be able to sleep soundly at night. And not only that - have others think highly of them. This isn't the only area of my life where this is happening, and it's making me crazy.

I think it's hard to try to live a life of integrity when as the MM used to say, "everyone else is doing it".
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Old 8th October 2017, 10:57 AM   #21
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I hear you. I had some similar thoughts... I might as well, because everyone else.

Thing is, everyone isn't. There are a lot of people who have good, strong monogamous relationships. There are others who follow a swinger lifestyle or something similar to incorporate the fact that they don't feel like being sexually "stuck" with the same person for the next fifty years.

Does the affair make you feel good? Does it make you a better person? Does it make you happy?

I guess I reached a point where it was feeling bad more than it felt good. Where I felt like I was only important when it was convenient. Did you relapse? I'm capable of a relapse at this point, but what I've realized from this is that I want someone who wants all of me, the good and the bad, nights and weekends. It's unfortunate because a little late, I've realized I probably didn't pick the right person to settle down with. But I picked a good person, a faithful person. The issues that MM has would not make him a great long term partner anyway, until he works those out.

Ugh.. anyway best of luck to you and keep posting on your journey.

And did he truly move on, or do you think you were overreacting? part of what happened to help me say no was believing similar, that he has a new start to an EA with a different OW. And then realizing, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if he spends more time with another female coworker due to meetings, etc, than me, because it just doesn't matter. I shouldn't be worried if I'm fifth rather than fourth on his list of priorities, after wife, kids, and everything else he actually cares about. It doesn't f***ng matter

I'm having a bit of a rough time because it's losing a friendship too, to someone who's generally kind and funny and thoughtful. But - I'm clinging to certain things he did and said that bothered me, that showed lack of follow through, that showed how unimportant I really am in his life until I can get through the haze to the other side. I'm hoping to make it through, and when I am that it's like every other bad relationship decision I've had in the past, and I just don't care (beyond generally wishing him well) about what's going on in his life.

How does it go - experience is the best teacher? Boy do you learn...
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Old 8th October 2017, 11:05 AM   #22
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Oh! And one other thing...

Maybe you spoke to this before, but I think it's important to identify why you crave this feeling. Why do you want to feel second best? Why does this painful longing feel like love to you?

Some people are love addicts, and like the unhealthy roller coast (I guess that's me). It took me some time to realize that MM seemed perfect compared to some more emotionally healthy people I've met in the past because he reminds me very much of my father in many ways. And, just like my father, he will never choose me.

Despite the bad of the affair, strangely I did work through some of my childhood issues with... enough that I have a stronger sense of self and self-esteem than I did prior. I'm hoping to translate that to stronger boundaries as well...
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Old 8th October 2017, 12:51 PM   #23
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Hi Bourne,

Thanks for your replies. No, I haven't relapsed. That addictive pull feeling has passed, and I no longer feel any desire to run and talk to him when I'm feeling low. I can pass him in the hallway and not acknowledge him at all. Without saying too much, I told my manager I don't want to be on a project with him and she reassured me that I wouldn't have to. Thankfully she didn't try to pry.

So, at least behavior patterns are changing and I'm adapting to a new normal. But internally I am still struggling. Someone in my family has recently screwed me over in a big way, and it seems like in various areas of my life I'm dealing with people like this - low-conscience, low-empathy people who run over others every chance they get and never seem to feel the effects.

I am learning from it though. Learning to stay away from toxic people, or at least minimize my interaction. I just need to do it sooner, rather than waiting for the 999th red flag to appear.

I know what you mean about missing the friendship. I was talking with someone about this the other day, and he said it's like this - someone gives you a piece of cake, and then punches you in the face. Do you think they're a good person? I'm keeping that analogy in mind, and it's helping.

I'm doing okay I guess, but I think I'm at the stage where I'm "feeling the feelings", and it's a little rough. Good luck to you also, Bourne.
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Old 8th October 2017, 8:23 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by BourneWicked View Post
And did he truly move on, or do you think you were overreacting?
TBH, I don't know if he has. And honestly, if it were anyone else but this one person, I think I'd be ok with it. But I think the fact that he used her to triangulate with me makes me dread that outcome more. It must be dredging up FOO issues...
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Old 8th October 2017, 8:50 PM   #25
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Jah I'm glad you're adapting. I'm kind of clinging to your story at the moment because I'm at the beginning of the separating part. The NC/LC at work truly is awful.

Sorry to hear about the bad family situation. Us sensitive types tend to take care of people who continue to disappoint and let us down. I agree you have to cut ties, but also agree that it's difficult. Especially when you see these people, and they call you or are entangled in your social network. It sucks too... I find that I'm drawn to the red flag/dramatic type. Like the "normals" are just boring. I'm trying to get away from that, and stop inviting the drama into my life. It's hard to go black and white when you're used to color. Never mind that the technicolor is featuring a horror movie...

Ironically re: the potential replacement OW, I think I'm feeling similar. I feel like she was a replacement for me, a new shiny toy who hasn't made the mistakes I have (or, I really hate to say, hasn't been 'easy' like me). The triangulation thing...! It makes me sick but I feel like I may have washed my hands of it. If only because I've said no, I'm not going to fight for your affections. In fact, I'm going to avoid you at all costs, thanks. A little curious about your FOO issues but feel free to elaborate, or not However, if I get stuck in a meeting with the two of them, I might just "pull the fire alarm" style find an excuse to leave. Because right now I'm feeling strong - but not that strong.

Glad you are hanging in there. Stay strong. You give me hope for me! Take care
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Old 8th October 2017, 10:25 PM   #26
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FOO issues... I believe there was narcissism in my family. From what I've read, the narcissistic parent often makes one child the golden child and another the scapegoat. Let's just say I wasn't the golden child. I was, however, a "good girl" - pretty much bent over backwards trying to do everything right, and in the end nothing was ever good enough.

It's probably why being with men who don't really accept me as I am feels normal to me. I keep striving for that carrot, for that one day when they'll finally say I'm good enough, that I'm accepted. If I don't have to fight to win someone's approval it somehow doesn't seem worthwhile to me.

I'm trying to be aware of this tendency because I actually do have people in my life who love and accept me as I am and I often find myself overlooking this. I'm trying to be more conscious of this, and nurture these good relationships.

Yes, the potential replacement... it's what finally got me out of it too. I knew I wouldn't be able to withstand that blow to my ego, so I got out. The drama still plays out in my mind though, and that may take a while to subside. I am trying though.

One thing I've learned through all this - you may think you are strong enough to handle things. You are not. This pull is very powerful, and the only way really to avoid being sucked in is to avoid it altogether.
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Old 9th October 2017, 4:00 AM   #27
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FOO issues... I believe there was narcissism in my family. From what I've read, the narcissistic parent often makes one child the golden child and another the scapegoat. Let's just say I wasn't the golden child. I was, however, a "good girl" - pretty much bent over backwards trying to do everything right, and in the end nothing was ever good enough.

It's probably why being with men who don't really accept me as I am feels normal to me. I keep striving for that carrot, for that one day when they'll finally say I'm good enough, that I'm accepted. If I don't have to fight to win someone's approval it somehow doesn't seem worthwhile to me.

I'm trying to be aware of this tendency because I actually do have people in my life who love and accept me as I am and I often find myself overlooking this. I'm trying to be more conscious of this, and nurture these good relationships.
There are other roles too and one is the lost child.
If you were the "good kid" who nobody really took notice of, then maybe you are "a lost child".

Quote:
The Lost Child
The Lost Child is usually known as “the quiet one” or “the dreamer”. The Lost Child is the invisible child. They try to escape the family situation by making themselves very small and quiet. (S)He stays out of the way of problems and spends a lot of time alone. The purpose of having a lost child in the family is similar to that of The Hero. Because The Lost Child is rarely in trouble, the family can say, “He’s a good kid. Everything seems fine in his life, so things can’t be too bad in the family.”
This child avoids interactions with other family members and basically disappears. They become loners, or are very shy. The Lost Child seeks the privacy of his or her own company to be away from the family chaos. Because they don’t interact, they never have a chance to develop important social and communication skills. The Lost Child often has poor communication skills, difficulties with intimacy and in forming relationships. They deny that they have any feelings and "don't bother getting upset." They deal with reality by withdrawing from it.
In an NPD family, The Lost Child just doesn't seem to matter to the narcissist, and avoids conflict by keeping a low profile. They are not perceived as a threat or a good source of supply, but they are usually victim of neglect and emotional abuse.
Dysfunctional Family Roles ? Out of the Storm
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Old 10th October 2017, 4:37 PM   #28
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I guess what I'm struggling with the most is how people can hurt others, only think of themselves, and be able to sleep soundly at night. And not only that - have others think highly of them. This isn't the only area of my life where this is happening, and it's making me crazy.

I think it's hard to try to live a life of integrity when as the MM used to say, "everyone else is doing it".
I will tell you whats happening with me right now...

Gosh theres this old friend of mine who I discovered in our social party. Yes we were good friends at school but I actually forgot all about it as it was just a 2 yr period and its been a decade+ outta school.

I have absolutely NO intention to entertain him... nope, after all I went thru. I just keep a normal relation but I like his wife but still, I keep it minimal coz I am just over cautious now.

This guy has been texting me over and over again, I had ignored his texts and given him clues that i aint into small talk. He refuses to get it. I aint afraid to tell ‘dude please slow down’ without coating but it will happen soon.

Now, what I have been feeling is the feeling where the other person is showing the signs of hook up and I try avoid them. I have done this before but NOW is different because now I feel this is what my xMM had felt ... It makes me sad because I know I now got no respect for this person and I am giving him frivolous replies in vague intervals.... for a period of time my xMM did the same thing with me... He should have had no respect for me, now I get it in full view ( well i knew it).

BUT

I am a better person than him in this case because he never wanted me but kept me stringing with his few good boost messages to get material stuff outta me ( I spent some £800+ on him..well). I AM NOT that flimsy , I have never been. It amazes me as well like you on how a person can play with other so callously just to get what they want even thou they dont want them
around or love or respect them. Its like purely exploiting their weak feeling over you.

I will never go down to that level... I am busy shooing this one... politely or otherwise. When I dont want him, I dont want ANYTHING from him.

Sorry put my own story but wanted you to know that I was also wondering on these players.
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Old 10th October 2017, 6:45 PM   #29
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FOO issues... I believe there was narcissism in my family. From what I've read, the narcissistic parent often makes one child the golden child and another the scapegoat. Let's just say I wasn't the golden child. I was, however, a "good girl" - pretty much bent over backwards trying to do everything right, and in the end nothing was ever good enough.

It's probably why being with men who don't really accept me as I am feels normal to me. I keep striving for that carrot, for that one day when they'll finally say I'm good enough, that I'm accepted. If I don't have to fight to win someone's approval it somehow doesn't seem worthwhile to me.


I'm trying to be aware of this tendency because I actually do have people in my life who love and accept me as I am and I often find myself overlooking this. I'm trying to be more conscious of this, and nurture these good relationships.

Yes, the potential replacement... it's what finally got me out of it too. I knew I wouldn't be able to withstand that blow to my ego, so I got out. The drama still plays out in my mind though, and that may take a while to subside. I am trying though.

One thing I've learned through all this - you may think you are strong enough to handle things. You are not. This pull is very powerful, and the only way really to avoid being sucked in is to avoid it altogether.
Your post resonates with me so much, and your FOO issues are similar to mine. Narcissism was pretty rampant for my father, but my memories are minimal of him. Apparently I remember him enough that I've managed to summon up an image of his personality and looks, though in a kinder, more handsome and successful package.

Affairs pull this stuff up like dredging bodies from the river bottom. I thought I was well past all these issues from my childhood, but clearly I just buried them.

This LC is awful. I'm struggling right now. Sometimes I feel fine - and I'm very good at not initiating contact - but others he's all I think about.

Keeping busy... hope you are too!
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Old 10th October 2017, 9:39 PM   #30
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Your post resonates with me so much, and your FOO issues are similar to mine. Narcissism was pretty rampant for my father, but my memories are minimal of him. Apparently I remember him enough that I've managed to summon up an image of his personality and looks, though in a kinder, more handsome and successful package.

Affairs pull this stuff up like dredging bodies from the river bottom. I thought I was well past all these issues from my childhood, but clearly I just buried them.

This LC is awful. I'm struggling right now. Sometimes I feel fine - and I'm very good at not initiating contact - but others he's all I think about.

Keeping busy... hope you are too!
I think it's so hard because it feels like losing that one central figure in our lives all over again. A few weeks ago I decided I needed to get some help and have started seeing a counselor again. I think it's helping just to have someone listen in a compassionate way, outside of my friends and family, whom I've already burdened too much.

I think of the ups and downs like waves in the ocean during a storm. Right now you're in the middle of it and the waves are tossing you around, but they're going to get smaller and gentler if you keep on going. The goal is to find that calm water and an even keel. Forgive yourself for the lapses and just keep moving forward. You will be ok.
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