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I became the other man and broke apart a family


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 29th September 2017, 3:43 PM   #46
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Well, after interacting with her husband we stopped communicating with N. However she got through to me that what I was doing (pulling away) was hurting her very badly. I bumped into her at work and she was very pale and sickly looking. She asked me to talk to her and I reluctantly agreed.
She basically said very passionately that I'm "the one", and she wants so much more than she ever wanted with anybody else. She also wrote me a letter wxplaining her feelings, which I was extremely moved to read. She said that her H is not her husband anymore and haven't been for a long time, because he stopped caring for her. I still said that this isn't right and I can't be with her. She said that I will never be happy unless I switch off my rationality and give in to my feelings.

I feel extremely guilty for hurting her. Every time I pull away, she gets through to me and shows how badly it hurts her. I don't know how to do it without this extreme guilt that I cause her such pain.

What if she is genuine and I'm pushing away someone who really loves me? But at the same time there is a wisper in my mind that I might be manipulated... But she makes it sound like I ran from hapiness in my life...

Rationally, I understand that there are so many red flags and questionable things, but at the same time rejecting someone who says that she loves you and want to do everything in her power to be by your side and help you is so extremely hard.

Guilt, guilt, guilt... This is what I feel. I really don't know what I feel besides that, and it she is not giving me any space to figure it out. I feel like I'm a torturer and a tormentor to her.
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Old 29th September 2017, 4:22 PM   #47
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Guilt, guilt, guilt... This is what I feel. I really don't know what I feel besides that, and it she is not giving me any space to figure it out. I feel like I'm a torturer and a tormentor to her.
This isn't what love feels like. Back away from the crazy. This is a can of worms you don't want to keep opened up!
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Old 29th September 2017, 5:45 PM   #48
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I think the other people said it best. Run. Run as fast as you can. If you stay with her just look at the husband and see your future.

Its not worth it.

C
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Old 29th September 2017, 6:06 PM   #49
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Originally Posted by BoboFett View Post
Well, after interacting with her husband we stopped communicating with N. However she got through to me that what I was doing (pulling away) was hurting her very badly. I bumped into her at work and she was very pale and sickly looking. She asked me to talk to her and I reluctantly agreed.
She basically said very passionately that I'm "the one", and she wants so much more than she ever wanted with anybody else. She also wrote me a letter wxplaining her feelings, which I was extremely moved to read. She said that her H is not her husband anymore and haven't been for a long time, because he stopped caring for her. I still said that this isn't right and I can't be with her. She said that I will never be happy unless I switch off my rationality and give in to my feelings.

I feel extremely guilty for hurting her. Every time I pull away, she gets through to me and shows how badly it hurts her. I don't know how to do it without this extreme guilt that I cause her such pain.

What if she is genuine and I'm pushing away someone who really loves me? But at the same time there is a wisper in my mind that I might be manipulated... But she makes it sound like I ran from hapiness in my life...

Rationally, I understand that there are so many red flags and questionable things, but at the same time rejecting someone who says that she loves you and want to do everything in her power to be by your side and help you is so extremely hard.

Guilt, guilt, guilt... This is what I feel. I really don't know what I feel besides that, and it she is not giving me any space to figure it out. I feel like I'm a torturer and a tormentor to her.
This is not love.

And, she is not genuine. Run and don't look back.
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Old 30th September 2017, 1:52 AM   #50
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Do you reaily need all this drama in your life. Deactivate fb for now and make it clear you don't want this relationship.

Your frievds
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Old 30th September 2017, 2:50 AM   #51
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Originally Posted by BoboFett View Post
Well, after interacting with her husband we stopped communicating with N. However she got through to me that what I was doing (pulling away) was hurting her very badly. I bumped into her at work and she was very pale and sickly looking. She asked me to talk to her and I reluctantly agreed.
She basically said very passionately that I'm "the one", and she wants so much more than she ever wanted with anybody else. She also wrote me a letter wxplaining her feelings, which I was extremely moved to read. She said that her H is not her husband anymore and haven't been for a long time, because he stopped caring for her. I still said that this isn't right and I can't be with her. She said that I will never be happy unless I switch off my rationality and give in to my feelings.

I feel extremely guilty for hurting her. Every time I pull away, she gets through to me and shows how badly it hurts her. I don't know how to do it without this extreme guilt that I cause her such pain.

What if she is genuine and I'm pushing away someone who really loves me? But at the same time there is a wisper in my mind that I might be manipulated... But she makes it sound like I ran from hapiness in my life...

Rationally, I understand that there are so many red flags and questionable things, but at the same time rejecting someone who says that she loves you and want to do everything in her power to be by your side and help you is so extremely hard.

Guilt, guilt, guilt... This is what I feel. I really don't know what I feel besides that, and it she is not giving me any space to figure it out. I feel like I'm a torturer and a tormentor to her.
She's a master manipulator. You really want to be used by this woman?

She's toxic. Don't let it be you she uses.

At work, make it clear you want absolutely NO contact. No sappy letters and no communicating.

Get busy doing other things...you need distractions from her manipulation a.
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Old 30th September 2017, 9:22 AM   #52
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She is totally manipulating you. You're not "the one". Right now any man who was willing to rescue her and take responsibility for her would be "the one". Healthy relationships are supposed to start by two healthy (and single) adults meeting and courting for many months where their feelings slowly and naturally grow. It's a mutual experience and it takes a lot of time. It's not one person guilting another person, it's not one person trying to make the other person take responsibility for them. Anyone who tells you that you're the one after only knowing you for a couple of months and barely spending any time with you outside of work, is a person who has issues that cannot be fixed with a new romantic relationship.

Even if this woman wasn't married she doesn't sound like a healthy candidate for a relationship. Her emotional manipulations and neediness would be suffocating. I'd take what she says about her husband not caring with a grain of salt. By the things she has said to you I suspect that this woman expects more than anyone can give her. You need to get her and her husband out of your life. Chalk this up to a lesson learned about getting too close to a married woman (and too close to a coworker).

Last edited by anika99; 30th September 2017 at 9:26 AM..
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Old 30th September 2017, 9:41 AM   #53
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I was 24, married, and the mother of 6 and 1 year old daughters. My marriage was a sham, I was going through a real dark time, I was depressed, and a close friend decided to take me out to cheer me up. We went to a club, I was bored after about 10 minutes, I wanted to leave, but didn't want to ruin my friends good time. So, I waited. A few hours in, I couldn't take any more "fun". I turned to Friend to ask if we could go, saw he was chatting with a man I didn't know, that person's eyes locked with mine and...WHAMMO. I just knew. I knew he was "it", "the one", it was love at first sight. Totally insane, right?

A few weeks later, I threw a party at my house. I invited people from the club and neighbors. He came. When we ran out of food and drink, I didn't want to let anyone under the influence drive, so I offered to walk to the store. He offered to go with me. We walked and talked for about 3 hrs as an open store at that time of night isn't exactly easy to find.

He was 24, raised in an upper middle class household with intact family, was more educated than I by far, had no children or experience with children as he was the youngest sibling and none of his friends or family had young kids, and he had never been married.

A week later, we had our first date and passionate kisses. The following week we met and made out again. The week after, we had sex. A few weeks after that, I love you's had been spoken and I'd left my marriage to be with him.

Everyone, my friends and family, thought I was insane to leave a marriage with two young kids for some guy I met at the club and had only known for about 3 months. They all said it wouldn't work and I'd regret it.

His friends thought he was insane for even thinking about giving up his single life to take on a married woman and her two young children. Especially considering he'd never even held a baby, much less lived with one!

We've been married for 14 years, a couple for a total of 17 years.

Of course there were doubts, but at the end of the day we worked out because we were deeply in love, very compatible, wanted to be with each other more than anything else, and we mutually committed to our love and having a life together. So, yes, insane affairs sometimes turn into happily ever after.

If you aren't in love with this woman and completely convinced she is "the one", you need to let her go...completely. Anything less is cruel to both of you.
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Last edited by MJJean; 30th September 2017 at 9:43 AM..
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Old 30th September 2017, 4:14 PM   #54
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIQzRogbMZw

Sloan "The Other Man"
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Old 1st October 2017, 2:48 AM   #55
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How do I deal with the guilt of breaking her heart?
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Old 1st October 2017, 3:54 AM   #56
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This is going to sound cruel but....


You deal with the guilt of breaking her heart by knowing that you are not breaking her heart. As soon as she finds some other smuck to drag into the drama pit she will forget about you.


Unless you love constant drama, then proceed with her. She will dictate what jobs you work, the husband she claims doesn't love her will post more comments about you destroying his family, and you will be back here in the future complaining about her doing the same thing to you that she did to her H.


Here is the lovely thing. It is your choice.
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Old 1st October 2017, 6:00 AM   #57
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How do I deal with the guilt of breaking her heart?
That is what dating is all about, else we would all be married to the person who had a crush on us in elementary school...

She may indeed love you, but you can't base a whole relationship on that.
One sided relationships are doomed to fail but if you were both young free and single, then it may be worth the gamble, BUT here it sooo complicated other people are bound to get hurt and for what?
..A 2 month EA, a kiss and a quickie before you went to work...
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Old 1st October 2017, 7:45 AM   #58
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How do I deal with the guilt of breaking her heart?

You make the best decisions for YOUR life. And, getting involved with a married woman, dealing with her angry and threatening husband, assuming responsibility for children that are not your children, getting involved in all this drama... Well, you'd be a silly man to get involved in all this...

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 1st October 2017 at 9:02 AM.. Reason: topical content ~T
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Old 1st October 2017, 10:35 PM   #59
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BoboFett, some of your statements stood out to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoboFett View Post
She said that her H is not her husband anymore and haven't been for a long time, because he stopped caring for her.

She said that I will never be happy unless I switch off my rationality and give in to my feelings.

What if she is genuine and I'm pushing away someone who really loves me?

Rationally, I understand that there are so many red flags and questionable things, but at the same time rejecting someone who says that she loves you and want to do everything in her power to be by your side and help you is so extremely hard.

Guilt, guilt, guilt... This is what I feel. I really don't know what I feel besides that, and it she is not giving me any space to figure it out. I feel like I'm a torturer and a tormentor to her.
This woman may feel whatever she likes, but she is toying with you. She may not call it that, but toying and manipulation is what it is.

She says her husband is not her husband because he doesn't care for her anymore. As you know, a DEATH or a DIVORCE are the only events that would mean he is no longer her husband.

She wants you to switch off your rationality and make major decisions based on your feelings:
1. She is not looking out for your best interests by advising you in such a way.
2. She is a MARRIED woman asking a man who is not her husband to do something (anything) to benefit HER.

She may love you, and you may love her. But she is not free. And you will be hurting yourself by giving anything to this woman who has made a legal choice to get it from someone else - who seems to be willing to fight for what is his... Someone who genuinely loves you will do their best to do what is in your best interest - especially if they KNOW for a fact that they cannot give you what you need and/or want. She doesn't appear to be doing this.

The bolded... man. If she were doing everything in her power, you would probably not feel the need to ask our advice. She would be doing something altogether different, and one of those things would be not going to be with her husband every single day after manipulating the crap out of you

I am advising you to, just for a moment, consider that she is actually the torturer and tormentor. Just consider it. Not you, but her. What would such a scenario entail? Because, as far as I am concerned, manipulating you and using your indecision against you and intruding on your life and telling you the sky is royal purple when it is obviously sky blue is torturing and tormenting YOU - someone who is simply seeking love and a relationship.

Why am I imagining her with little red devil horns on her head?...

Last edited by Vivir; 1st October 2017 at 10:40 PM..
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Old 1st October 2017, 11:30 PM   #60
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Have only read the initial post.

You are not responsible for ruining this child's life. All you did is kiss this woman twice. You have no obligation to her, you don't owe her anything, and she is still technically married.

Don't think that just because she told you that she is leaving her husband (I doubt it) that you're now supposed to take her on full-time. She pushed the boundaries, ignored your pleas to the contrary, and now you're supposed to forever have her under your wing?

Please.
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