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I became the other man and broke apart a family


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 21st September 2017, 8:38 AM   #16
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Very bad idea to try and speak to the husband as he may actually know nothing about you as she hasn't told him anything, cheaters are very good liars
OR
he may be a psychopathic crazy with a gun...

This is the world of extra marital sex not the world of bf/gf so anything is possible. Lying is the norm.

STEP back, you do not want to saddle yourself with a cheating woman and a kid and an irate husband for the next God knows how many years so just be sensible and get rid of her and her baggage out of your life, is my advice.
Find a nice uncomplicated single woman to "save"..
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Old 21st September 2017, 8:49 AM   #17
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op,

you are being used.

some people in this world are just that...users. They will drain people's emotional resources until they are a husk, then move on to the next.

That what this woman sounds like to me.

I suppose that in the end, when you get right down to it, one has to be okay with the person looking back at them in the mirror every morning. You are not. You are engaging in behavior that goes against your values system, which is at the core of who "you" really are.

You know this is wrong for you. you know you are not happy. you know she can't be trusted.

What will you do? Stay and get even further and further down the rabbit hole until you have lost who "you" are and are emotionally barren, or will you rip off the band aid and protect your emotional and mental health?
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Old 21st September 2017, 9:06 AM   #18
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Originally Posted by BoboFett View Post
I'm as stupid as they come.

She came to my place before work. She said that she feels that she made the right choice, her husband handled everything very calmly and just asked how they should proceed with the finances. He also asked her to take off their wedding ring. And that he hopes they can stay good friends. Her mom and her step-dad are supportive too, though sad.

I asked her if we can go to work, but she said she had a very hard night and asked me if she can rest at my place for a while. One thing led to another, she hugged me and started passionately kissing me and I made the stupidest thing - I let us have sex. So all people who said I've done a good thing - I actually lost control and made things worse. I really wish I was stronger to push her away.

I really feel that I don't have another option, but to see things through with her. I never asked for the responsibility, and it's killing me, but my actions led to this. I do care about her and it's hard to imagine what me leaving will do to her. I also promised to her I won't disappear. I know this sounds very childish "I made a promise", but I try to live by my promises.

You guys right I'm not happy, because everything feels rushed and my inner voice keeps yelling at me that something is wrong. I feel like I went to sleep being single and woke up with a wife and a 3 years old child. She says that her meeting me just made her realize that she can't be with her husband any more, that she can't lie to him while she has feelings for me, so she was prepared to end things without firm assurances, just to be able to pursue this chance for happiness. She said that she left work crying yesterday and when she got home he asked what's wrong and she just couldn't lie to him. Before that we agreed that we won't rush into anything.

I have this feeling like I'm just too nice and weak to say a firm no to her. I say no, but she somehow finds a way to lead me into doing what she originally wanted. This doesn't mean that I'm off the hook for my actions, it actually makes them worse.

I'll ask her for her husband's contacts. I think it's only fair that I hear his side of the story. I know that today made everything 100% worse, but maybe there is still a chance. How should I handle this meeting, if she gives me his contacts? I want to explain to him that the last thing I want is to break apart a family. I gave in to my impulses and made mistakes, but this is just wrong on so many levels. He sounds like a stand-up guy, and she said they are very close, and I just can't wrap my head around the fact that she can leave him like this. This makes me wonder if she will leave me just this easily for the next guy when the sparks stop flying (and I know they will).

I know exactly how it feels when another man takes away somebody you love - I lived through that a year ago and am not fully recovered yet. This makes me feel like a piece of ****, and no better than the guy that took her away from me... In my case I wasn't married to her, so this happening in a marriage and with a child makes things so much, much worse. I actually explained that I had this experience and don't want to do this to anyone else, but she brushed it off.

I keep beating myself up, like this is somehow would help. I really am trapped. I guess the only next step is manning up and talking to her husband.
That's not your 3 year old child the child already has a father &
That's not your wife .

You had sex with a married woman .And you are going on about you woke up with a wife & child promises made and life tide up....calm down .

It has been said enough time it's a very long road from separation (If she is actually separated based on one talk) to an actual divorce .

Stop playing a victim ..as though you don't have control and everything is happening to you .

And she did not leave her family for you.
so stop taking that responsibility on your self .She did that for her own self .her own selfish desires .

Call her h and ask .do not meet him in person .
Let see what she says when you ask for the h number.
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Old 21st September 2017, 10:01 AM   #19
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You guys right I'm not happy, because everything feels rushed and my inner voice keeps yelling at me that something is wrong.

Listen to your inner voice. You know what you are doing is wrong. This isn't what you want. Let her leave her husband if that is what she wants to do. Don't let her move in with you. Tell her to come find you when she is divorced.
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Old 21st September 2017, 11:20 AM   #20
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What the hell dude. You fcked her once, that doesn't mean she can force herself into your life and make you into an insta-husband and stepdad!

Who the hell leaves their husband and breaks up their family for a friend they kissed twice. A CRAZY PERSON! Man up, communicate your feelings, and back away from this hot mess!

Copy and paste your posts here and email them to her. Tell her that this is how you really feel, but you are having a hard time saying it to her face.
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Old 21st September 2017, 3:28 PM   #21
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Hi Bobofett,

I did something very similar to you ... got myself in to a situation where I "went along with it" as I didn't want to hurt other half's feelings ... and 20 years later I am still in the same situation because I CAN'T let go - I would rather make sure others are happy and sacrifice my own happiness in order to achieve this ... so to the outside world I am living a normal family life - but inside my head I am in torture every single day as this is not the life I wanted or want now ... however I wont ever change this as I couldn't cope with the devastation that others would feel if I did so ....

.... PLEASE DO NOT GO DOWN THE ROUTE I HAVE ... I get what you say about making promises and keeping them and being "the nice guy" ... I have done EXACTLY the same thing, by being "the nice woman" - but it is KILLING me EVERY SINGLE DAY ...

... and I guess by finally having sex with your "lady friend" this has probably shown commitment to her ... commitment that you apparently don't want!! ... I so wish you had been stronger and not done this ... but you don't need anyone ramming this down your throat - you know it yourself.

I can only urge you to be strong ... sit down with your lady friend and tell her how it is ... sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind .... stop this now - instantly - before you too are potentially 20 years down the line, unhappy, as I am ... don't waste your life ... please.
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Old 21st September 2017, 3:32 PM   #22
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... and you say you are trapped - no you aren't - you just need to put a STOP to this immediately ... you are only trapped if you want to be - you have not made a commitment to your lady friend.
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Old 21st September 2017, 5:17 PM   #23
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comman man.. live up to your name.. Bobafett ...
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Old 21st September 2017, 9:46 PM   #24
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no one can break up a family apart from the cheater. dont take the blame it was the cheater that did
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Old 21st September 2017, 10:08 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by BoboFett View Post
There is so much text and so little meaning.

I never asked for any of this, but wasn't firm enough, so I gave her hope and she made a choice for both of us. I knew what I was doing, but fooled myself into thinking I'm a knight in shining armour. Me switching jobs was partly because I wanted to create a distance between us and think things through clearly. Didn't have the chance.

I can't say firm no to her because I see how every time I said no hurt her, and the I just can't hurt her... So I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

My inner turmoil doesn't matter. I need to make concrete steps to resolve this. My conviction is to try to do everything to save their marriage, even if she says that ending it is the right choice.
Don't contact her husband. It is her marriage and he is her responsibility. You have no business interfering in their relationship and you have no right to talk to him. And, if he is angry with you... it will not end well.

Life is about choices. Everyday, we all make choices - some good, some bad, and some absolutely terrible choices. But at the end of the day, we are each responsible for our choices. The lives we create, are a result of the choices we have made.

You are responsible to make your own choices. You, and only you. If you decide to stay because you feel like you don't want to hurt this woman and you have no other choice (which of course, you always have the choice to end any relationship), well... that is a choice that you are making. You are choosing to allow this woman, who makes her own terrible decisions, to make the decisions for you... And that, is an absolutely terrible choice.

So, if you stay with this woman out of whatever very misguided obligation you feel towards her and your life is unhappy... don't be surprised. You don't get to play the victim and complain. Your life, just like everyone else, is a result of the choices you have made.

If you don't like the situation, make a different choice.

Last edited by BaileyB; 21st September 2017 at 10:19 PM..
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Old 22nd September 2017, 12:23 AM   #26
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Everything BaileyB said.

Plus this woman sounds absolutely NUTS. Who decides to leave her husband after kissing another guy? If she did this, it's because of her, not because of you. It could have been anybody. Don't get saddled down with some crazy lady and her kid because you want to be nice and you feel guilty for stealing away this crazy lady from her husband. And if he really is so ready to let her go without a fight, what does that say about her? Run away! And even though you slept with her... still that's not some sort of commitment on your part. It's just not.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 3:10 PM   #27
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Had similar feelings for a coworker... Actually my manager. We never kissed or anything because I did all to restraint myself, but it sucks so much to find someone with such a beautiful connection and not being able to be together.

Well, it's just the way life is.

Last edited by eternally_confused; 22nd September 2017 at 3:15 PM..
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Old 22nd September 2017, 8:12 PM   #28
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Well, I calmed down a little and followed your advice. Did not contact the husband.

Me and N. had a talk and I communicated that I feel extremely unhappy with what we are doing and that I can't be with her.

She didn't take it particularly well, was very heartbroken, said she loves me. We agreed to be in each other's lives though as friends - I know it's not the best idea, but can't live with going NC with her - it just seems too cruel/unnecessary.

About her husband, she said that it was a decision made not because of me, but rather something that me coming into her life helped her realize needed to be done.

Anyway, I don't kid myself that this is over and done, but I feel it's a step in the right direction.

Feel very bad about the breaking her heart and this whole situation, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror again.

I don't see why she is a user or a bad person. Maybe I have rose-tinted glasses, but I don't really see her as such.

Thank you for all your help!
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Old 24th September 2017, 8:05 AM   #29
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The more the fog clears, the more I think it was the right choice.

I guess the biggest red flag for me was how fast she was willing to leave her husband. Another red flag was that she kept pressuring me to define our relationship.

I think sometimes "what if we had something special", but the sobering though is that at some point in the past she loved her husband enough to get married, and to have a child with him, which was a planned decision in their case.

I feel really bad and guilty about the whole thing. I guess it could've been anyone in her case, but it was ME. I feel bad for her, for her husband, and for her child. I guess the irreparable damage to their marriage is already done...

What do I do next?
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Old 24th September 2017, 8:20 AM   #30
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Originally Posted by BoboFett View Post
The more the fog clears, the more I think it was the right choice.

I guess the biggest red flag for me was how fast she was willing to leave her husband. Another red flag was that she kept pressuring me to define our relationship.

I think sometimes "what if we had something special", but the sobering though is that at some point in the past she loved her husband enough to get married, and to have a child with him, which was a planned decision in their case.

I feel really bad and guilty about the whole thing. I guess it could've been anyone in her case, but it was ME. I feel bad for her, for her husband, and for her child. I guess the irreparable damage to their marriage is already done...

What do I do next?
NO CONTACT. And just learn from this. Resolve to never be "that kind of person" again. Draw a hard line you will never cross.....never become involved in any way with a married woman.

Hang in there. You're not a horrible person.
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