I was the other man and now I miss her

[Despasito]

So I've been looking for advice all over on making this click for me and it's been a while since the breakup, so I'm really looking for something profound hopefully.

 

I (33M) work with this woman who is married but not married (39F). She had a kid by her guy and has felt very miserable for years when I met her. We talked as friends and hung out. We would get along so well and one day we just couldn't take it and fooled around.

 

This continued for about a year. Meeting after work, at night, on the weekends, etc. In the beginning it was great. She was even talking about leaving her current guy but had a hard time knowing how to do it with a kid. Then it got more difficult for her to see me. I got angry (I know, stupid, what the hell gives me the right to be angry). After a while she got fed up and felt stressed by everything. I felt terrible because 1) I missed the hell out of her and 2) I didn't want her to feel I couldn't be there (read the whole NC thing so I broke some of these rules).

 

I was constantly trying to be a friend, but she avoided me. She would dodge any call or face to face interaction. After a while, she told me she can't be sneaking around and how would she explain what we were doing (even if I was just asking her to go have lunch with me). So suddenly, she was telling me the reasons I would have expected long ago.

 

Now, she was originally telling me she loved me at the beginning. She made it sound like she really wanted to be with me 100%. Now she's completely cold towards me. Like literally telling me to not talk to her unless it's related to work.

 

I can't grasp everything that happened. Like how did I screw up so bad that a woman that supposedly loved me, now can't stand me. I was so good to her and instead she wants to keep her life "drama free" which I really don't think I was.

 

What the hell do I do to realize this was for the best? Seriously, like depression has set in and it's been 2 months already. I workout, try hobbies and holy ****, the stupid pain w ont stop. I want to feel like there is a chance, but I know there sure as hell isn't one. What do I do to get over this? Can anyone tell me something that will finally get it through my thick head to let it go? I don't want to contact her anymore, but some days I know I will want to and I want that to stop already.

[sandylee1]

Your best bet is to find a single available woman and leave this one alone.

 

She has a man. She has a child with him and she's not willing to jeopardise that.

 

You were a fun escape, until you began to expect more from her. The 'other ' is meant to understand that they are a secondary relationship and not to stress the cheater out.

 

That takes the fun out of It, when 'the other doesn't stick to the unsaid rules..

 

 

- Be quiet

- Accept when you can be slotted in

- Make this fun

- Don't make demands of me to leave my primary relationship

[Despasito]

Your best bet is to find a single available woman and leave this one alone.

 

She has a man. She has a child with him and she's not willing to jeopardise that.

 

You were a fun escape, until you began to expect more from her. The 'other ' is meant to understand that they are a secondary relationship and not to stress the cheater out.

 

That takes the fun out of It, when 'the other doesn't stick to the unsaid rules..

 

 

- Be quiet

- Accept when you can be slotted in

- Make this fun

- Don't make demands of me to leave my primary relationship

 

 

Believe me, I get this, but HOW? It's not like logic doesn't let me understand this. Trust me I've read all sorts of arguments on why even IF things had gone the other way she wouldn't be right because she's just a cheater anyways, but something in me doesn't want to let this go. I want her to be asking for me back, but I know she won't and I can't get over how bad that makes me feel. I can't get over how much I put into the relationship and how much I was there for her only for her to basically be telling me to **** off. I get angry but then I just want those good times again. I can't express how badly I wish I could pull whatever part of my brain makes me want her.

[ladydesigner]

Believe me, I get this, but HOW? It's not like logic doesn't let me understand this. Trust me I've read all sorts of arguments on why even IF things had gone the other way she wouldn't be right because she's just a cheater anyways, but something in me doesn't want to let this go. I want her to be asking for me back, but I know she won't and I can't get over how bad that makes me feel. I can't get over how much I put into the relationship and how much I was there for her only for her to basically be telling me to **** off. I get angry but then I just want those good times again. I can't express how badly I wish I could pull whatever part of my brain makes me want her.

 

This will happen over time. Concentrate on yourself and grieving this A. It is for the best. Your married affair partner would have to have some serious therapy before I would ever entertain a relationship with her and being DIVORCED would have to be at the top of the list.

 

Take care of YOU and one day at a time. Also finding a new job will probably help you get over her quicker too!

[sandylee1]

The problem is that you invested too much in what was just a bit of fun for her.

 

She won't ask for you back, because she can easily get another guy for NSA sex. Some men would find the set up ideal. You aren't one of those, so this set up of being the secret lover doesn't work for you.

 

She OTOH was able to compartmentalise and keep you and her main man in separate boxes. That's a trait of most cheaters, or they wouldn't be able to carry on cheating.

[TunaInTheBrine]

I don't know if you will find this useful to your thinking at all, but I would suggest considering that you do not actually want this woman back in your life. What you want back is who you thought she was going to be to you, not who she actually is. Who she actually is, is someone who is not enough for you.

 

It's healthy to want a real relationship, which you do. She does not want that with you. She is fine with taking from you, but not giving. Love needs a balance of giving and taking. A healthy real relationship will be possible for you when you meet a woman who is willing to give and take in proper balance. When seeing people who are already committed or otherwise unready for love, you will not find this healthy give and take balance.

[anika99]

She never loved you. She probably thought she did when she said it but it was really just infatuation and lust. I suspect she was feeling a bit bored or neglected by her partner so she relished the excitement of getting attention from another man. Then it became suffocating.

 

You are better off this way. The hurt will pass and then you will find a healthy loyal partner.

[BTDT2012]

Believe me, I get this, but HOW? It's not like logic doesn't let me understand this. Trust me I've read all sorts of arguments on why even IF things had gone the other way she wouldn't be right because she's just a cheater anyways, but something in me doesn't want to let this go. I want her to be asking for me back, but I know she won't and I can't get over how bad that makes me feel. I can't get over how much I put into the relationship and how much I was there for her only for her to basically be telling me to **** off. I get angry but then I just want those good times again. I can't express how badly I wish I could pull whatever part of my brain makes me want her.

 

It just takes time. Look at it this way; you made a bad investment. Don't focus on the good times, it wasn't real. You were a diversion for her.