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Linger on, you pale blue eyes...


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 15th September 2017, 4:32 PM   #1
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Linger on, you pale blue eyes...

Hi LoveShack forum!

This is my first post here, I came here out of desperation and I don't really know what to expect, maybe just hear of someone who understands...

Today I was listening to some music and "Pale Blue Eyes" came on. Damn. I had to go to the bathroom to hide from my wife, and then I completely broke down crying...

The cause is my co worker... She and I have been working together for a year and since the first day we really got along so well... She's so beautiful, I know it's bad when I go out in the street and out of 100 women I see none seems more beautiful to me than her... And yes, she also has light eyes.

So what's the problem? Well, starting with me being married?? She's also married, AND pregnant (well she's already given birth), AND she's also my boss!! AND now I'm quitting because I've found another job, AND I'll never see her again since I'm moving to another f**cking continent! Can you see how everything is wrong??

I'm not really sure what her feelings are for me, she's just very friendly, and I never told her anything about my feelings for all the reasons I've mentioned. We just keep in contact all the time, even while she was in maternity leave. I just played it cool, played the friend, trying to find happiness in my marriage and accept that she'll just be a friend forever. But now that I'm leaving it's hitting me like a brick.

But f**kkk, why did I have to fall for a woman in these circumstances, how can I be so DUMB??? I have a wife that loves me to death, why can't I be happy with what I have?? It would be so much easier.

Last edited by eternally_confused; 15th September 2017 at 4:38 PM..
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Old 15th September 2017, 4:42 PM   #2
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EC, you've been very wise not to broach the subject of your feelings with your boss. And the fact that you're leaving the continent and the job is your good fortune!

Although you're hurting now, you're not hurting as much as you would be had you begun an affair with her! Good for you! Over time your feelings will fade into just a memory and as beautiful as you think she is now, even that will fade in your memory. Limerence is a little like beer goggles in that it covers the eyes with rose-colored glasses.

Here's wishing you the best as you move on! It seems to me you've posted to process your grieving over this and I don't mean to seem callous by focusing on writing about your moving on. I get it, you're hurting. But, it's wonderful to note that you didn't get into an affair with her or discuss your feelings with her.

Enjoy your wife who loves you to death! That's an incredible gift!
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Old 15th September 2017, 4:59 PM   #3
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LWP, thank you so much, that's really helpful!!
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Old 15th September 2017, 5:07 PM   #4
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I commend you for recognizing your weakness and doing nothing about it.

Just focus on the move and your wife. The boss will soon be a thing of the past once you move.
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Old 15th September 2017, 6:16 PM   #5
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You don't even have a relationship with your boss outside of work. Your feelings for her all based on fantasy. It sounds like a bit of escapism to me. Perhaps there is something in your day to day life that is causing you stress and leading to indulging in a fantasy.
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Old 15th September 2017, 7:02 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by eternally_confused View Post
LWP, thank you so much, that's really helpful!!
You're welcome, EC! You're going to be fine and one day you'll be so glad you said nothing, did nothing. Just read the heartache of folks who crossed boundaries in some of these threads and it may help you to feel better, Idk, but at least it will help reinforce your decision to have done the right thing!
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Old 15th September 2017, 7:07 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eternally_confused View Post
Hi LoveShack forum!

This is my first post here, I came here out of desperation and I don't really know what to expect, maybe just hear of someone who understands...

Today I was listening to some music and "Pale Blue Eyes" came on. Damn. I had to go to the bathroom to hide from my wife, and then I completely broke down crying...

The cause is my co worker... She and I have been working together for a year and since the first day we really got along so well... She's so beautiful, I know it's bad when I go out in the street and out of 100 women I see none seems more beautiful to me than her... And yes, she also has light eyes.

So what's the problem? Well, starting with me being married?? She's also married, AND pregnant (well she's already given birth), AND she's also my boss!! AND now I'm quitting because I've found another job, AND I'll never see her again since I'm moving to another f**cking continent! Can you see how everything is wrong??

I'm not really sure what her feelings are for me, she's just very friendly, and I never told her anything about my feelings for all the reasons I've mentioned. We just keep in contact all the time, even while she was in maternity leave. I just played it cool, played the friend, trying to find happiness in my marriage and accept that she'll just be a friend forever. But now that I'm leaving it's hitting me like a brick.

But f**kkk, why did I have to fall for a woman in these circumstances, how can I be so DUMB??? I have a wife that loves me to death, why can't I be happy with what I have?? It would be so much easier.

What you are experiencing is called limerence. Please read joe beam's articles on limerence. Listen to this podcast - please it will help you, I promise.

[PODCAST] The Three Stages of Being Madly In Love (Limerence) - The Dr. Joe Show Podcast - Marriage Helper


Then you can just search "limerence" on that site and he has other podcasts and articles that will help. After you are familiar you can go to limerence.net
Also but I would definitely start marriagehelper.com - he does a great job explaining limerence because he's been through it and has dedicated the last 30 years to trying to help people and couples who experience it.

Please let me know your thoughts after you listen to the podcast.. I really think a lot of your questions will be answered there

Last edited by somuchfortheone; 15th September 2017 at 7:39 PM..
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Old 15th September 2017, 7:40 PM   #8
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Thank you all for you words, I'll take your advices.

Nothing ever happened but there was definitely some flirting between us. She invited me for coffee a couple of times, I also invited her a couple of times... There were times when we didn't see each other for days and she asked me "when will I see you again?".

Did that mean anything? I don't know, some girls flirt just for fun. I decided not to push things further with this beautiful creature. The "what if?" will haunt me for a long time...
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Old 15th September 2017, 9:45 PM   #9
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You're in love with a fantasy. Get back to the real world!
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Old 15th September 2017, 10:29 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by eternally_confused View Post
Thank you all for you words, I'll take your advices.

Nothing ever happened but there was definitely some flirting between us. She invited me for coffee a couple of times, I also invited her a couple of times... There were times when we didn't see each other for days and she asked me "when will I see you again?".

Did that mean anything? I don't know, some girls flirt just for fun. I decided not to push things further with this beautiful creature. The "what if?" will haunt me for a long time...
You are so so fortunate you didn't act. You would have been miserable. The what if, huh? What if you two had had an affair and your spouses found out about it? What if you'd had an affair and couldn't be together because she wouldn't leave her husband? Or you didn't want to leave the woman who loves you to death? Or what if you'd left your spouses, married, and she cheated on you and left you? Yes, the what if's are endless.

Hugs, EC! You are in the best possible state for what has transpired! You've saved yourself great misery!
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Old 16th September 2017, 7:24 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eternally_confused View Post
Hi LoveShack forum!

This is my first post here, I came here out of desperation and I don't really know what to expect, maybe just hear of someone who understands...

Today I was listening to some music and "Pale Blue Eyes" came on. Damn. I had to go to the bathroom to hide from my wife, and then I completely broke down crying...

The cause is my co worker... She and I have been working together for a year and since the first day we really got along so well... She's so beautiful, I know it's bad when I go out in the street and out of 100 women I see none seems more beautiful to me than her... And yes, she also has light eyes.

So what's the problem? Well, starting with me being married?? She's also married, AND pregnant (well she's already given birth), AND she's also my boss!! AND now I'm quitting because I've found another job, AND I'll never see her again since I'm moving to another f**cking continent! Can you see how everything is wrong??

I'm not really sure what her feelings are for me, she's just very friendly, and I never told her anything about my feelings for all the reasons I've mentioned. We just keep in contact all the time, even while she was in maternity leave. I just played it cool, played the friend, trying to find happiness in my marriage and accept that she'll just be a friend forever. But now that I'm leaving it's hitting me like a brick.

But f**kkk, why did I have to fall for a woman in these circumstances, how can I be so DUMB??? I have a wife that loves me to death, why can't I be happy with what I have?? It would be so much easier.

Whoa,calm down a bit.

it sounds to me like you have developed a crush on a woman, and she has shown no signs of reciprocating your feelings.

That's good. You haven't done anything wrong at all, other than developing a crush...but you know what? That's actually normal for some people. They develop these feelings, but don't act on them. They are fleeting, and in time they will go.

The one thing you don't want to do is "feed the beast". Stop wasting mental effort and time on it. Think of it like your backyard. There is a lovely bed of flowers ( your marriage) with a weed ( your crush) that if left,will eventually cause the flowers to wither and die if it is left. What do you do? Do you waste your time nurturing the weed, or do you pull it out and spend your time caring for the rest of your garden?

Divert the energy your as spending pining for this woman towards your wife. Plan something special for just the two of you.
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Old 17th September 2017, 12:20 PM   #12
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Well, she was always a flirt. She was the first to offer me her phone number, cheekily jotted down in a napkin. We wrote each other by Whatsapp until my wife found out and got mad at our "friendly" messages.

I told my boss about it and she gave me her personal email to keep in contact. As I said, we kept things "friendly" but we started behaving to each other like, always checking in and keeping the other informed about our whereabouts when it really wasn't necessary.

She started working a lot with another team and I didn't see her so often. One day I texted her half-jockingly "hey, I'm gonna get jealous if you keep spending so much time with those guys, they're stealing my manager ". No answer. Expected. Then the next day she came to me actually giving me excuses! Telling me "you know, I really wasn't spending time with them, I've been working from home and doing other stuff", smiling all along.

But I know that even if I had had an affair with her and everything went magically well and we ended together, I'll still feel like a piece of crap becuase I'll ruin my wife's life.
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Old 17th September 2017, 2:09 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by eternally_confused View Post
Well, she was always a flirt. She was the first to offer me her phone number, cheekily jotted down in a napkin. We wrote each other by Whatsapp until my wife found out and got mad at our "friendly" messages.

I told my boss about it and she gave me her personal email to keep in contact. As I said, we kept things "friendly" but we started behaving to each other like, always checking in and keeping the other informed about our whereabouts when it really wasn't necessary.

She started working a lot with another team and I didn't see her so often. One day I texted her half-jockingly "hey, I'm gonna get jealous if you keep spending so much time with those guys, they're stealing my manager ". No answer. Expected. Then the next day she came to me actually giving me excuses! Telling me "you know, I really wasn't spending time with them, I've been working from home and doing other stuff", smiling all along.

But I know that even if I had had an affair with her and everything went magically well and we ended together, I'll still feel like a piece of crap becuase I'll ruin my wife's life.

You'd ruin your own life too - that's the thing though... they never see that part until it happens
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Old 18th September 2017, 5:19 PM   #14
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Pick up the book 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass and get into M counseling. Don't ever walk this road again ;-) it leads to destruction and heartache.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 2:00 PM   #15
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Well, it's over. Today was my last day at the job and I'll probably never see her again in person. Brings some closure.

I have come to accept that she'll always be just a friend. She's married, I'm married, it's just not worth it. I'll try finding love somewhere else, maybe even with my wife...

I'll write her sometime, though. It's a win to have her as a friend because she's such a pleasure to talk to.
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