Feeling perplexed

[Chica80]

*I'm posting here as it pertains to A's hoping it doesn't get moved.

 

So for the last month I've been distancing from AP. I knew I wanted things to end. My heart and head just had not been in sync.

 

Anyways a couple of weeks ago one of my male co workwr friends who knows of AP, and knows AP, told me I need to block him. Start dating get out there. So I went on a dating app. Have been on a couple dates. They were fun and a distraction. Last night I went on a date with this guy. The chemistry was so good! It was fun to be out and just enjoy being.

 

The thing is, now confused, a part of me feels I'm betraying my own feelings. And also so not ready for a relationship at all. The purpose of dating was to be casual have fun go out. I guess I'm just feeling confused about the feelings and messiness of it.

Not sure if anyone can relate.

[Methodical]

Why do you feel you are betraying your feelings?

 

There is nothing wrong with going on dates even though you aren't ready for a relationship. Just be honest when you meet someone who says they are looking for the love of their life and tell them you aren't ready for a commitment of any kind.

[Chica80]

Why do you feel you are betraying your feelings?

 

There is nothing wrong with going on dates even though you aren't ready for a relationship. Just be honest when you meet someone who says they are looking for the love of their life and tell them you aren't ready for a commitment of any kind.

 

No I am, I say I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm looking to date casually.

 

I guess I feel like I'm betraying my feelings because not over AP, at all. Not enough time has passed, I feel.

[BaileyB]

As long as you give the men you date an honest explaination of what they can expect, there is nothing wrong with going out to have some fun.

 

Is it possible that by going out on some dates - meeting some new people and having some fun again - may actually help you to see that there is great possibility for the future and help you to get over the end of the affair?

 

If there is one thing that I have learned from grieving the death of my mother, time often has little to do with the healing. It's what you do during the time that is most important. There are people who suffer a loss and haven't actually healed or moved forward in life, years after their loss. So, I wouldn't get too hung up on the time that has passed.

Edited September 1, 2017 by BaileyB

[Chica80]

Ok I guess here is the confusing part for me......not saying that this date will turn in to anything...

 

I've had two serious relationships. High school bf. We were together into our early 20s. I met STBX. About a year later, but had dated in between a bit. Together with ex 10 yrs. In A w AP last two yrs.

 

I haven't had this "chemistry" or feelings attraction when first meeting someone. With ex it happened over time. I was not really attracted to him at first, just because he wasn't my type. But it grew over time.

 

Even w AP, we have known eachother 5+ yrs since working together and were "friends" I was attracted to him. But it was after knowing him his personality who he was etc. I was attracted and drawn to him some time before A happened, but nothing had ever occured between us until it did.

[Chica80]

* I guess the surprising feeling was wow I'm really digging this guy and was excited prior to date. There was def sparks.

[Southwardbound]

*I'm posting here as it pertains to A's hoping it doesn't get moved.

 

So for the last month I've been distancing from AP. I knew I wanted things to end. My heart and head just had not been in sync.

 

Anyways a couple of weeks ago one of my male co workwr friends who knows of AP, and knows AP, told me I need to block him. Start dating get out there. So I went on a dating app. Have been on a couple dates. They were fun and a distraction. Last night I went on a date with this guy. The chemistry was so good! It was fun to be out and just enjoy being.

 

The thing is, now confused, a part of me feels I'm betraying my own feelings. And also so not ready for a relationship at all. The purpose of dating was to be casual have fun go out. I guess I'm just feeling confused about the feelings and messiness of it.

Not sure if anyone can relate.

 

You feel this way cause unconsciously you still feel attached to the AP. It doesn't matter how good the date was.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It could be because a part of you is used to the pain so it feels odd without it.

 

Pain is addictive.

 

Look at people who get out of prison, commit a stupid crime only to get back in jail.

 

It takes more strength to be okay with freedom. When you are in constant pain, you can avoid dealing with the rest of your life.

[Chica80]

It could be because a part of you is used to the pain so it feels odd without it.

 

Pain is addictive.

 

Look at people who get out of prison, commit a stupid crime only to get back in jail.

 

It takes more strength to be okay with freedom. When you are in constant pain, you can avoid dealing with the rest of your life.

 

Hmmm an interesting point.

[BaileyB]

* I guess the surprising feeling was wow I'm really digging this guy and was excited prior to date. There was def sparks.

 

That's a great thing! Go for it!

 

Don't waste any more time grieving for a man who is a part of your past. He's not worth it!

 

Always believe something good is in your future. And, don't be afraid to grab it!

[Poppy47]

HI Sunshine,

 

Go out just for the sheer fun of it... it doesn't have to be anything else. It can shake you up and maybe get you into a more positive frame of mind.

 

I think people in Affairs can fall into a mindset... nobody else can ever live up to the AP.

 

It's a very limiting view. There are millions of men in the world and of course there can be somebody else for you.

 

Enjoy,

Poppy.

[Chica80]

HI Sunshine,

 

Go out just for the sheer fun of it... it doesn't have to be anything else. It can shake you up and maybe get you into a more positive frame of mind.

 

I think people in Affairs can fall into a mindset... nobody else can ever live up to the AP.

 

It's a very limiting view. There are millions of men in the world and of course there can be somebody else for you.

 

Enjoy,

Poppy.

 

Thank you. Im trying not to overthink it, but it's difficult.

[Hbroken]

Thank you. Im trying not to overthink it, but it's difficult.

 

I think you are seeking validation....you are missing the attention from the MM and now you need it so you are convincing yourself that you are really into this guy...I am willing to bet it won't be anything more than a passing fling at most

Go for it but remember that unless you have worked on yourself and properly healed and worked out why you got into an affair, you will probably find yourself in more unhealthy relationships in the future

[elaine567]

Your relationship with you MM is going nowhere, so you need to move on whether that is now or in 6 months time or in six years... it is immaterial in the grand scheme of things.

We do not get extra points according to the time spent crying over our lost loves. Everyone moves on, the world turns and we have to make the best use of the time allotted to us.

So if this OLD guy floats your boat then why not?

 

Best not to remain loyal to people who do not have the same idea of loyalty as you.

Your MM is staying with his new wife, his loyalty such as it is, is to her and his marriage, and not to you, you need to take that fully on board and act accordingly.

Be a little selfish, grab what YOU want out of life, I think you may be owed some of that...

Leave your MM and HIS baggage in the dust.

[Chica80]

I think you are seeking validation....you are missing the attention from the MM and now you need it so you are convincing yourself that you are really into this guy...I am willing to bet it won't be anything more than a passing fling at most

Go for it but remember that unless you have worked on yourself and properly healed and worked out why you got into an affair, you will probably find yourself in more unhealthy relationships in the future

 

Not seeking validation.

Seeking to enjoy being able to go out with someone enjoy a nice evening out without having to hide and lie.

 

Unlike MM I know why I got into A. I have been in therapy and read articles books and talk ad nauseum.

 

For me it's been two years. Two years of knowing and understanding that what we had was genuine and true, but not enough for him. I stayed by on the side excusing his behavior and "being understanding" because I knew his reasons. Because I felt I wanted to be supportive of him. Taking what crumbs I could. And living on this roller coaster of "you deseve better than this" "there is no future for us" "it pains me I can't give you everything" but never truly letting me go. Come close, closer oh too close....

I stood by and watched him get married, everyone congratulate him and talk about them etc. And recently the birth of his first child.

And even with all those many slaps in the face, I stayed. Because he still gave me something.

 

So to put it simply. Not seeking validation. I've learned that comes internally. Now just seeking to work on it externally.

[BaileyB]

Not seeking validation.

Seeking to enjoy being able to go out with someone enjoy a nice evening out without having to hide and lie.

 

There is absolutely nothing stopping you from doing this - except maybe yourself... Try not to get into your own way...

 

Just go out on a few dates and have some fun! I always find that my perspective has a way of changing when I'm out in the world, enjoying the company of good people, and having some fun. It may not take you long to realize, you are more ready than you thought...

 

Elaine is right, we don't get extra points for the time spent crying over lost loves. You have already wasted too much of your life on a dead end relationship - don't waste any more time.

 

Your journey is moving forward in a positive direction. You are doing good work. Be proud of yourself and keep moving forward.

[Chica80]

There is absolutely nothing stopping you from doing this - except maybe yourself... Try not to get into your own way...

 

Just go out on a few dates and have some fun! I always find that my perspective has a way of changing when I'm out in the world, enjoying the company of good people, and having some fun. It may not take you long to realize, you are more ready than you thought...

 

Elaine is right, we don't get extra points for the time spent crying over lost loves. You have already wasted too much of your life on a dead end relationship - don't waste any more time.

 

Your journey is moving forward in a positive direction. You are doing good work. Be proud of yourself and keep moving forward.

 

Thank you!

[BigBlueSky]

*I'm posting here as it pertains to A's hoping it doesn't get moved.

 

So for the last month I've been distancing from AP. I knew I wanted things to end. My heart and head just had not been in sync.

 

Anyways a couple of weeks ago one of my male co workwr friends who knows of AP, and knows AP, told me I need to block him. Start dating get out there. So I went on a dating app. Have been on a couple dates. They were fun and a distraction. Last night I went on a date with this guy. The chemistry was so good! It was fun to be out and just enjoy being.

 

The thing is, now confused, a part of me feels I'm betraying my own feelings. And also so not ready for a relationship at all. The purpose of dating was to be casual have fun go out. I guess I'm just feeling confused about the feelings and messiness of it.

Not sure if anyone can relate.

 

Maybe you feel that way because being attracted to someone and having romantic feelings for them somehow minimizes what you feel for your AP and what you had together. For me, being in an A for so long, it's hard to imagine being truly happy and okay with life.... Our realities have been wrapped up in our As for so long that it's hard to imagine life outside of it. It can be scary... It's unknown and different.

 

Hope you are able to go with it and enjoy dates and new friendships. Letting go is hard... But life can be so so much better.

[Chica80]

Maybe you feel that way because being attracted to someone and having romantic feelings for them somehow minimizes what you feel for your AP and what you had together. For me, being in an A for so long, it's hard to imagine being truly happy and okay with life.... Our realities have been wrapped up in our As for so long that it's hard to imagine life outside of it. It can be scary... It's unknown and different.

 

Hope you are able to go with it and enjoy dates and new friendships. Letting go is hard... But life can be so so much better.

 

Ya you're right, I feel moving on minimizes things. My emotions what I felt learned etc.

 

The thing is I've never done casual...but it's where I want to be.

[Chica80]

So I saw the cute guy again yesterday.

It was nice. He kissed me and we were talking, at one point there was something he said it triggered me, about MM. I went to the bathroom. I started crying.

When I came back he asked if I was ok.

We talked more he told me about his divorce his marraige. Etc. Where getting info from AP used to be like pulling teeth, this guy is all about the talking the sharing.

 

It's only the second time we have went out. He didn't ask questions or was intrusive. He said I would share when I was ready.

Well it all ended up coming out. My divorce, A with MM. I cried.

I have no idea what he thinks at this point. He was very sweet. But I totally over shared, way too much. More than I intended.

 

I have no idea what to expect now. For the first time I don't have any expectations. If we continue to see eachother great. If we dont. That's ok too.

 

But I can't help this feeling of.....fear, uncertainty, but peace too at the same time.

[Anne5113]

I'm so happy to hear that you were excited going into this date with a new guy and not only that you felt a spark of some kind. I'm sure most OW that have dated while involved with a MM, do it to attempt to put effort into anything besides the one-sided relationship that affairs create. Unfortunately, they are rarely excited about it because the date could never compare to their MM & many times any chance for a spark is doomed from the beginning. You & this special guy passed those hurdles (YAY), but it's left you a little confused. All of the previous suggestions could definitely be contributing to your feelings. I also think it could be a little fear. As excruciatingly painful being an OW is, there's a certain safeness about it. You are aware of the difficult aspects in the relationship and even if you don't like them, you know what to expect. You don't have this with your new friend. It's a gamble, one you might actually win at instead of the security of knowing what you are going to lose.

[Chica80]

I'm so happy to hear that you were excited going into this date with a new guy and not only that you felt a spark of some kind. I'm sure most OW that have dated while involved with a MM, do it to attempt to put effort into anything besides the one-sided relationship that affairs create. Unfortunately, they are rarely excited about it because the date could never compare to their MM & many times any chance for a spark is doomed from the beginning. You & this special guy passed those hurdles (YAY), but it's left you a little confused. All of the previous suggestions could definitely be contributing to your feelings. I also think it could be a little fear. As excruciatingly painful being an OW is, there's a certain safeness about it. You are aware of the difficult aspects in the relationship and even if you don't like them, you know what to expect. You don't have this with your new friend. It's a gamble, one you might actually win at instead of the security of knowing what you are going to lose.

 

Wow!! You're so right! I went into A, knowing it has an end. Right it's almost like subconsciously I know you're not going to pick me. I know the ending. But I'm going to do it anyways it's "safe".

 

There is no known here. The possibilities are endless. It could be nothing. We could become friends. We could be more who knows. And right now I actually don't care.

I am in the moment. I like him he likes me we enjoy spending time together and that's enough. I'm honest about where I stand what I've been through.

 

It feels really free in a way.

[What_Did_I_Do]

I dated sporadically throughout my A, not to seek validation or to get revenge on xmm, but to hope there was someone out there that could spark enough interest so I could detach from the A. Unfortunately, if I was interested in the man, he did not reciprocate so slowly began to lose that hope on finding that 'one'.

 

Our attempts at dating (and failure to find that connection with a SG), may be similar to MM and their view on marriage...it's better the devil you know. Comfort. They stay M and we hang onto the A.

[Chica80]

I dated sporadically throughout my A, not to seek validation or to get revenge on xmm, but to hope there was someone out there that could spark enough interest so I could detach from the A. Unfortunately, if I was interested in the man, he did not reciprocate so slowly began to lose that hope on finding that 'one'.

 

Our attempts at dating (and failure to find that connection with a SG), may be similar to MM and their view on marriage...it's better the devil you know. Comfort. They stay M and we hang onto the A.

 

I don't believe in the "one" or soulmates.

I've dated before a couple times during A, a date here and there. There wasn't any chemistry. So yes I went back because I went to what I knew. And maybe there wasn't chemistry because I wasn't truly open.

 

I didn't believe that I would never find what AP and I had. I believed and still do it hurt because it was unique to us. We are individuals so of course it could not be replicated. But it can be different. Maybe better?

 

I'm not going to minimize what AP, and I had it was meaningful, it was real....but it was very painful and ultimately not how I want to live my life.

[OWAmy]

Ok I guess here is the confusing part for me......not saying that this date will turn in to anything...

 

I've had two serious relationships. High school bf. We were together into our early 20s. I met STBX. About a year later, but had dated in between a bit. Together with ex 10 yrs. In A w AP last two yrs.

 

I haven't had this "chemistry" or feelings attraction when first meeting someone. With ex it happened over time. I was not really attracted to him at first, just because he wasn't my type. But it grew over time.

 

Even w AP, we have known eachother 5+ yrs since working together and were "friends" I was attracted to him. But it was after knowing him his personality who he was etc. I was attracted and drawn to him some time before A happened, but nothing had ever occured between us until it did.

 

I find it fascinating that for you the chemistry has happened over time. I'm one of those people who has had electricity in every single one of my relationships (about 5 - 3 serious). It is that *spark* that begins everything. I'm not saying my way is the best way at all - quite often it can blur red flags etc. Your building up of chemistry over time seems healthier to me. Are you experiencing chemistry with the guy you recently met?

 

It does sound like you are coming to the end what with distancing yourself. It's how these things end if there isn't a D-day or an argument. Always best to be the one to initiate the ending as it does (in time) boost your self esteem that you did the right thing.

 

I would keep dating but it will be hard to keep things casual if you meet someone you really like.