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When NC is not possible


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 13th September 2017, 10:57 AM   #61
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Another one who didn't want to hijack the other thread.

I just don't feel you have the right to ask what her future plans are. It's really non of your business. If I were her and you approached me I'd be really pissed off and think dare you.

My thinking would be that you made your choice by not leaving your wife and I don't want to continue being the OW.

If she's already handed in her notice and you find a new job...so be it. A clean fresh working environment will have less triggers for you as well.

The last thing she needs is you cornering her and questioning her. I'd actually feel harassed if I was in that position. I hope you aren't senior to her in the workplace, or it could be viewed as bullying /and or sexual harassment.

Be very careful.
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Old 13th September 2017, 11:19 AM   #62
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Another one who didn't want to hijack the other thread.

I just don't feel you have the right to ask what her future plans are. It's really non of your business. If I were her and you approached me I'd be really pissed off and think dare you.

My thinking would be that you made your choice by not leaving your wife and I don't want to continue being the OW.

If she's already handed in her notice and you find a new job...so be it. A clean fresh working environment will have less triggers for you as well.

The last thing she needs is you cornering her and questioning her. I'd actually feel harassed if I was in that position. I hope you aren't senior to her in the workplace, or it could be viewed as bullying /and or sexual harassment.

Be very careful.
I will. I don't corner anyone. If I do ask her it will be to see if I can speak to her after work in a public place and I would ask her how things have been going for her and I would say that I find it hard to move on when we work in the same place and therefore it may work better to look for another post but before doing so I was interested in knowing if she also felt that geographical distance would work better and if she had given it any thought as well.

I doubt she would feel harassed ... In 3 months after her index text I have never even tried to look at her let alone speak with her... She is the one who has come up to speak with me.
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Old 13th September 2017, 11:27 AM   #63
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Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post
Another one who didn't want to hijack the other thread.

I just don't feel you have the right to ask what her future plans are. It's really non of your business. If I were her and you approached me I'd be really pissed off and think dare you.

My thinking would be that you made your choice by not leaving your wife and I don't want to continue being the OW.

If she's already handed in her notice and you find a new job...so be it. A clean fresh working environment will have less triggers for you as well.

The last thing she needs is you cornering her and questioning her. I'd actually feel harassed if I was in that position. I hope you aren't senior to her in the workplace, or it could be viewed as bullying /and or sexual harassment.

Be very careful.
I doubt very much that you would feel harassed ..if a guy you were in love with for 5 years and wanted to marry who then responded with 'wish you all the best' when you broke up with them by text and who then hasn't given you a single ounce of attention for the next 3 months actually came up to you and said 'hello, how's it going? I was wondering if you'd have some time after work for as quick chat in a place where you feel most comfortable.. It will only take 15-20 minutes'
I know I am hurting within but I never let it show
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Old 13th September 2017, 11:52 AM   #64
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I doubt very much that you would feel harassed ..if a guy you were in love with for 5 years and wanted to marry who then responded with 'wish you all the best' when you broke up with them by text and who then hasn't given you a single ounce of attention for the next 3 months actually came up to you and said 'hello, how's it going? I was wondering if you'd have some time after work for as quick chat in a place where you feel most comfortable.. It will only take 15-20 minutes'
I suspect I'd be furious. If 'you' dumped me like that and ignored me and then suddenly wanted to talk to me... especially with this sort of 'it will only take a few minutes' which makes it pretty clear you're NOT about to grovel for my forgiveness...

And if you then tried to turn it into lecturing me on how I needed to behave to make things easier for YOU?? That's drink-to-the-face time.

If you're not willing to be with her, leave her alone.
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Old 13th September 2017, 12:16 PM   #65
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I suspect I'd be furious. If 'you' dumped me like that and ignored me and then suddenly wanted to talk to me... especially with this sort of 'it will only take a few minutes' which makes it pretty clear you're NOT about to grovel for my forgiveness...

And if you then tried to turn it into lecturing me on how I needed to behave to make things easier for YOU?? That's drink-to-the-face time.

If you're not willing to be with her, leave her alone.
I have left her alone. I wish she'd leave me alone ;-)
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Old 13th September 2017, 12:32 PM   #66
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I suspect I'd be furious. If 'you' dumped me like that and ignored me and then suddenly wanted to talk to me... especially with this sort of 'it will only take a few minutes' which makes it pretty clear you're NOT about to grovel for my forgiveness...

And if you then tried to turn it into lecturing me on how I needed to behave to make things easier for YOU?? That's drink-to-the-face time.

If you're not willing to be with her, leave her alone.

and I didn't dump her...she dumped me!
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Old 13th September 2017, 1:14 PM   #67
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and I didn't dump her...she dumped me!
Ok but I guess she did it, because you would not leave your wife...

YOU cannot steam in there and suggest she leave her job.
If I were her and you did that to me, I would be straight onto your wife or maybe not so direct, but believe me she would know about your affair sooner rather than later, I would make sure of that...
or maybe I would just have a quick word with HR as regards sexual harassment or just plain bullying.
SHE no longer has anything to lose, she is a free agent.
It is you that is in a delicate position here.

Make up your mind to stay or leave but she has nothing to do with you now, so you need to leave her alone and forget about making any "suggestions"...
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Old 13th September 2017, 2:15 PM   #68
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and I didn't dump her...she dumped me!
You dumped her in the sense that you let her down. She wanted to be with you, and you turned her down because it would be too difficult, too inconvenient for you to give up the relationship you already have. In essence, you told her she wasn't worth it.

She chose to walk away rather than keep eating just the crumbs, but emotionally I count you as the dumper, not her.
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Old 13th September 2017, 7:31 PM   #69
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I have left her alone. I wish she'd leave me alone ;-)
No you don't! Come on ... get real. You want her to walk right up to you with tears streaming down her face saying she's dying without you and has got to have sex with you right then and there. Then you want to lick the tears off of her face and push her to the floor and stuff your wang in her mouth so she stops crying. Then you both will have the hottest monkey sex that has ever been had in the history of sex until you fall breathlessly into each other's arms for a while. Afterwards, you both get up and walk away ... in different directions.

No talk of futures (cause there aren't any)

No talk of spouses or plans gone wrong (they don't exist at that moment)

Just pure lust, painful satisfaction and yes heartbreaking LOVE that will never ever... go anywhere in the real world. (You made that choice)

That's what you want isn't it.

Come on, you can tell me. I won't tell anybody.
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Old 13th September 2017, 7:37 PM   #70
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You dumped her in the sense that you let her down. She wanted to be with you, and you turned her down because it would be too difficult, too inconvenient for you to give up the relationship you already have. In essence, you told her she wasn't worth it.

She chose to walk away rather than keep eating just the crumbs, but emotionally I count you as the dumper, not her.
How did Hbroken let her down? From day 1, the OP never said he'd leave his marriage for her. Even after she gave him an ultimatum, he still refused to leave but she choose to stay anyways. Her choice...every day...for 5 years. She let herself down.
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Old 13th September 2017, 7:47 PM   #71
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How did Hbroken let her down? From day 1, the OP never said he'd leave his marriage for her. Even after she gave him an ultimatum, he still refused to leave but she choose to stay anyways. Her choice...every day...for 5 years. She let herself down.
You're totally correct, but emotions don't always respond to logic.

I'm suspecting that from her perspective she feels that he betrayed her.
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Old 13th September 2017, 8:10 PM   #72
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You're totally correct, but emotions don't always respond to logic.

I'm suspecting that from her perspective she feels that he betrayed her.
Yep this^

You dumped her. Well actually you just didn't want to be with her. She finally got it through her head and then found the balls to say NO MORE.

I'm surprised she's keeping it together as well as she is. She must be hurting like hell. Give her a break.

Your ego should be the last thing you're thinking of here. You should be thinking about why you're still writing threads about her missing her like crazy and trying to turn it around like she's doing something wrong when she's just trying to maintain. All that "I never said I'd leave my wife" stuff goes out the window when she found herself in love with you.

And you... are kicking yourself in the ass for losing. You lost her.

Isn't that what you wanted.

?
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Old 13th September 2017, 8:27 PM   #73
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I doubt very much that you would feel harassed ..if a guy you were in love with for 5 years and wanted to marry who then responded with 'wish you all the best' when you broke up with them by text and who then hasn't given you a single ounce of attention for the next 3 months actually came up to you and said 'hello, how's it going? I was wondering if you'd have some time after work for as quick chat in a place where you feel most comfortable.. It will only take 15-20 minutes'
I know I am hurting within but I never let it show
This is a bad idea!!! Don't do it and even more selfish than you have been.
It will make YOU feel better to talk to her, it will make YOUR pain less. Because it's a transfer of emotions.

I've hardly had to see my AP the last few weeks. It has been so freeing to not see him to get distance physically and emotionally. It's aloud me to see things in a different perspective, see him in a different light.

Talking or any sort of communication even "friendly" just opens up those wounds.

If you care about her in any way shape or form leave her alone!!!
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Old 13th September 2017, 8:40 PM   #74
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Unless you're going to tell her you want to be with her honestly, there is NOTHING relevant to say.
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Old 14th September 2017, 1:55 AM   #75
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I doubt very much that you would feel harassed ..if a guy you were in love with for 5 years and wanted to marry who then responded with 'wish you all the best' when you broke up with them by text and who then hasn't given you a single ounce of attention for the next 3 months actually came up to you and said 'hello, how's it going? I was wondering if you'd have some time after work for as quick chat in a place where you feel most comfortable.. It will only take 15-20 minutes'
I know I am hurting within but I never let it show
Actually, I'd realise that I'd been kidding myself, because this guy who claims to love me, has never mentioned or promised to leave his wife and think how many more years do I want to waste on a relationship that's going nowhere fast.

When she left her relationship, it created an imbalance...she no longer has to sneak around because of her BF.

She came to her senses and did the right thing. Maybe not doing it in person wasn't great, but like I said, she was protecting herself.

Now she's single she can find a proper relationship. She did the right thing....I know you may not see it that way, but in a few months or years, you could have a different view with self discovery.
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