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When NC is not possible


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 1st September 2017, 12:23 AM   #46
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Originally Posted by Hbroken View Post
I really respect your words midnight blue you are one of the few people here who are non-judgmental and empathic.

i find her actions unusual too because she essentially broke up with me because she wanted me to leave my family (i had never promised or even hinted at this) and be with her after she ended her primary relationship... one minute this person wants to be with you ...one text later they are completely over you and acting as if you are friends! I am amazed that a 5 year relationship can end like this and she can expect us to be conversational and friendly without any substantial NC period in the interim!
You don't have to let her go. Prepare a well thought out story to her that you are planning to leave your marriage, but don't. Make sure you come up with believable reasons beforehand so you are ready for any questions she could ask in the near future. Just keep postponing. This way, you'll be able to extend your relationship with her, while still be with your family.
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Old 1st September 2017, 4:01 AM   #47
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You don't have to leave your job, but I would suggest coming clean to your wife, if you would like to keep your family. This will all come tumbling down in the future, eventually.
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Old 6th September 2017, 12:32 PM   #48
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This is proving the hardest thing in the world. Her behaviour towards me is so inconsistent! Sometimes she will come and speak to me as if we are friends..sometimes she will see me in the corridor and give me a big smile. Yesterday we both bumped into each other in a corridor heading to the steps..she mumbled a hi and then seemed so uncomfortable to be around me! So so infuriating... I wanted to say to her that we both need to be consistent with our behaviours if we are going to get by this and remain in the same workplace... I feel so so out of control...everyday is different...I try my hardest to stay away from any common places but what does one do in this setting? I am now almost tempted to leave my job and risk disrupting everything I have worked towards in my career?
Do you think I should speak with her and ask her how she feels we can make this work so that we can both survive in the same workplace?
Again I have no idea whether she will even choose to engage in such a conversation!
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Old 6th September 2017, 12:44 PM   #49
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I relate completely; dealing with a very similar situation (though the background is different) with an xAP who seems to want to go back to being casual friends despite confessing a couple of weeks ago that she "still loves me" but "doesn't want to stand in my way of real happiness." It just shows you that two people can experience the same relationship very differently - one person puts a lot more importance and significance on it than another.

Hbroken, I can tell from your posts that you truly did love your OW and that you're taking the breakup very hard. That being said, may I ask why you never considered leaving your wife? Please understand I am asking without any judgment - the huge (and mostly recent) presence of a number of xBSs on this board who only ever post judgment and negativity is a large reason I stopped posting nearly as often. I'm just curious about how/why you decided to remain married despite being obviously in love with someone else.

Thanks ..I do care a lot for her. I don't know how much of it is love and how much of it is limerence... I do recall thinking one day that I think this relationship has run its course now...so I am sure I was emotionally checking out already... now that the affair is over, I don't miss sex or the daily chore of texting this really unhappy person (who was getting increasingly unhappy with her own primary relationship)....I do miss talking to her..she was like my best friend and also I think my ego has taken a real hit....

I decided to remain married because I don't think I was unhappy enough to leave..I never got into the affair with the intention of leaving my family...I was bored and maybe going through a midlife crisis and loved the attention...I have kids and my wife has matured considerably since the affair started ...so some of the resentments I had when the affair started no longer exist...plus I have never known my OW outside of the affair... so even though the affair went on for 5 years, the truth is that the actual time we spent physically in each others company together in those 5 years is probably less than 30 days....so very hard to give up what you know for something that you don't really know at all:-(
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Old 6th September 2017, 1:47 PM   #50
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This is proving the hardest thing in the world. Her behaviour towards me is so inconsistent! Sometimes she will come and speak to me as if we are friends..sometimes she will see me in the corridor and give me a big smile. Yesterday we both bumped into each other in a corridor heading to the steps..she mumbled a hi and then seemed so uncomfortable to be around me! So so infuriating... I wanted to say to her that we both need to be consistent with our behaviours if we are going to get by this and remain in the same workplace... I feel so so out of control...everyday is different...I try my hardest to stay away from any common places but what does one do in this setting? I am now almost tempted to leave my job and risk disrupting everything I have worked towards in my career?
Do you think I should speak with her and ask her how she feels we can make this work so that we can both survive in the same workplace?
Again I have no idea whether she will even choose to engage in such a conversation!
I don't think you should talk to her.
Start a journal whatever you want to say to her write it there like if you were talking to her.

You have to decide what is more important your healing, your career. Start taking the steps to look for something else.
It was five yrs. That's a long time. You will find a new normal just wrk through it, not a shortcut or around it but through it.
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Old 6th September 2017, 1:56 PM   #51
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This is proving the hardest thing in the world. Her behaviour towards me is so inconsistent! Sometimes she will come and speak to me as if we are friends..sometimes she will see me in the corridor and give me a big smile. Yesterday we both bumped into each other in a corridor heading to the steps..she mumbled a hi and then seemed so uncomfortable to be around me! So so infuriating... I wanted to say to her that we both need to be consistent with our behaviours if we are going to get by this and remain in the same workplace... I feel so so out of control...everyday is different...I try my hardest to stay away from any common places but what does one do in this setting? I am now almost tempted to leave my job and risk disrupting everything I have worked towards in my career?
Do you think I should speak with her and ask her how she feels we can make this work so that we can both survive in the same workplace?
Again I have no idea whether she will even choose to engage in such a conversation!
I wonder if it's inconsistent because she's having a tough time with it too. Some days she might feel stronger than others and she might put on a brave face pretending everything is ok. Other days she is probably struggling and will be awkward towards you. It might be infuriating to you that she seems inconsistent, but I doubt she is having a good time. She's made a hard decision to let you go and has a lot to work through herself.

I don't think it's a good idea to talk. It will only set you and her back. Leave her alone to heal, and give yourself space too. Then you can decide if you can handle being in the workplace with her. Maybe it's a good idea to start looking elsewhere.
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Old 7th September 2017, 11:03 AM   #52
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Thank you!
This is so so hard. I do think I am getting better but still this kind of 'cold war' at work takes its toll:-(
I am certainly paying for my sins in a big big way:-(
I am thinking of leaving my job but I think what I need to do is once I heal, have a mature conversation about what her future plans are.. If she is also planning to leave then it is worth knowing about it because I stand to lose tonnes by leaving the job... She is unmarried and therefore May in the future be planning to move anyways (?)
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Old 7th September 2017, 11:08 AM   #53
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Thank you!
This is so so hard. I do think I am getting better but still this kind of 'cold war' at work takes its toll:-(
I am certainly paying for my sins in a big big way:-(
I am thinking of leaving my job but I think what I need to do is once I heal, have a mature conversation about what her future plans are.. If she is also planning to leave then it is worth knowing about it because I stand to lose tonnes by leaving the job... She is unmarried and therefore May in the future be planning to move anyways (?)
Sad thing is before she ended it I was hoping she'd end it because I didn't want to be the bad guy! Boy did I underestaate what it would do to my ego!!!! Now all day long I am torn between the 2 wolves in my head... The honest, compassionate wolf and the raging angry ego 'addiction fix' driven wolf... I just need to feed the good wolf
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Old 7th September 2017, 2:38 PM   #54
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Sad thing is before she ended it I was hoping she'd end it because I didn't want to be the bad guy! Boy did I underestaate what it would do to my ego!!!! Now all day long I am torn between the 2 wolves in my head... The honest, compassionate wolf and the raging angry ego 'addiction fix' driven wolf... I just need to feed the good wolf
That sounds like us too. We were both waiting on each other to end it. It was hard for both of us to leave the A and we both expressed it would have been easier for the other person to say goodbye and don't talk to me again.

From your posts, it sounds like you are making progress and learning from this which is a good thing! As an ex-MOW (I think I can finally say ex!!!) I wish I could convince you somehow to keep your distance and not talk to her or have any type of long, drawn out conversation with her. With my exMM we had tried to end it so many times. Most recently from this past May to a few weeks ago, we have tried to end it and said we would. And every time he contacted me, it undid the progress and healing that I made and made my wound deeper. Even though I still care for him, it was SO hard to hear from him and talk to him because I know the ending would still be the same.

Yes, please keep feeding your "compassionate wolf"! It will be worth it in the end... I'm trusting that it will in my life too. If you feel the need to talk to her, post here instead!
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Old 8th September 2017, 6:55 PM   #55
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As an exOW

Hbroken,
I have been reading your posts and imagining it is my own exMM writing, It has been three months NC for me (he has sent two texts which I didn't answer,)As others have told you, your former AP is on her own roller coaster, and feelings and thoughts change day to day.
It is evil, but I have been hoping my exMM is missing me and yes, suffering.
I also kind of knew he was not going to be the one to break it off. Did I want to? NO. But he has a family and I hope he is never discovered.
Could be your exAP also wants to be friends- since you work in the same place it could be possible-maybe. Maybe not. She is perhaps testing her own boundaries
Is it possible to meet somewhere public to have a real talk with her? I WISH I could have had a face to face before I dumped my MM but he lived in another state.
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Old 13th September 2017, 4:16 AM   #56
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I wonder if it's inconsistent because she's having a tough time with it too. Some days she might feel stronger than others and she might put on a brave face pretending everything is ok. Other days she is probably struggling and will be awkward towards you. It might be infuriating to you that she seems inconsistent, but I doubt she is having a good time. She's made a hard decision to let you go and has a lot to work through herself.

I don't think it's a good idea to talk. It will only set you and her back. Leave her alone to heal, and give yourself space too. Then you can decide if you can handle being in the workplace with her. Maybe it's a good idea to start looking elsewhere.

could I ask you BBS, how do women react when they work with their AP that they still care for.... I mean do they tend very hard to avoid being in the same place? I mean I understand that that is the best way forward but is that what women are able to do easily...sometimes I find myself trying to work out where in the building she is... and I wonder whether she would do the same or is it much easier for her to hide away
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Old 13th September 2017, 5:01 AM   #57
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When you get to the point where you realise how you have been playing with your spouse like you wanted and thats its not fair....you will find ways to stay a mile away from anything that is jeoperdising the sanity of your marriage....when you feel the remorse, you get whole lotta ideas to avoid her.


It is unusual she wont leave you alone, its insensitive on her part, but be prepared to end convos more abruptly that should set her back. Good Luck.
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Old 13th September 2017, 7:32 AM   #58
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could I ask you BBS, how do women react when they work with their AP that they still care for.... I mean do they tend very hard to avoid being in the same place? I mean I understand that that is the best way forward but is that what women are able to do easily...sometimes I find myself trying to work out where in the building she is... and I wonder whether she would do the same or is it much easier for her to hide away
Hey Hbroken, I can only tell you how I might react. If I were her, it would really depend on the day. The fact that I might bump into you would give me anxiety. It would be hard to heal if there was a constant chance that I might see you. So some days I might long to be with my AP and try to bump into him. Other days if I feel confident in my decision to move forward I may do my best to avoid an AP. And there might be some days where I convince myself I'm ok to him and try to act normal when I do. I suspect that if she is still struggling, her behaviors and feelings would be all over the place. If she's trying hard to move on, then maybe she'll try to avoid you more? It's all speculation, but that's how I would react if I were her.

Since I don't work with mine, it plays out from a distance (which is much easier). Some days I still long to talk to him and so I'll fight with myself not to send an email. And some days I am absolutely confident that I don't want that in my life anymore and so I have no desire to reach out at all. And as I start to heal, I know that the days that I have no desire to reach out will be more.

Hope that helps. Are you struggling this week?
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Old 13th September 2017, 8:30 AM   #59
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So.... I'm reading your exchange on SL's thread and it looks like you're struggling. And wanting to have a talk with your ex. Since I can't dissuade you from doing that (I know it must be so frustrating to have so many unanswered questions on your end given the way she ended the relationship) just wanted you to think about what you want to say and what questions you want to ask. Go into with a clear purpose. And also be prepared that it won't feel like closure. You might come out of it more confused and upset. Be prepared that you will need to leave it like that and walk away. For your sake, I hope the conversation gives you some sort of resolution and peace so that you feel better about walking away. I totally get why you are wanting to have it (and whether or not people here feel like it is wise or not, I guess you have to do what you have to do).

Good luck with that and keep us posted!
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Old 13th September 2017, 10:19 AM   #60
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Hi HB, I just read some of your exchanges on SL's thread too and I didn't want to threadjack there. How you're thinking of reaching out, how you're concerned about whether she's leaving before you leave...and you ask, what about my self-preservation?

Well I ask you: what about your wife's self preservation? She is living a life that is not reality! What about her? What if she knew the amount of mental energy you are expending on xAP, what if she knew you were thinking of changing jobs because of an ended affair?

I'm not trying to be harsh, I know how hard this is, I was a MW myself. But if you don't start reframing things and stepping away from xAP, both mentally and physically, you will get sucked back in. Or you will have a d-day. It's been a couple of months. You are strong enough. You can choose the path you live moving forward...what path will you choose? Authenticity or more lies?

And I believe you should change jobs regardless of what xAP's plans are. Unless you can make some big mental strides. Or else your workplace will always be a trigger. Like I mentioned upthread, there are consequences of your actions. And finding a new job seems to be one of them.

Good luck.
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