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When NC is not possible


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 31st August 2017, 4:38 AM   #31
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Originally Posted by Hbroken View Post
I am a MM and my OW decided to call it quits 2 months ago because she felt she couldn't wait any longer. I had never said I'd leave my wife. She was previously in unsatisfying LTR and so the A worked for both of us but then she ended her relationship but I wasn't unhappy enough to end mine so our relationship ended. Since then I've never contacted her and I have accepted her decision as it was for the best. The problem is that we work in the same building and therefore try as hard as I may to avoid her we inevitable bump into each other and this happened again yesterday. I had managed to avoid her successfully for 5 weeks prior to yesterday. So she came up and said 'hi stranger.. What are you doing here?'
Me: I just had to pick up some papers (true)
Her: did you go to the party last Friday
Me:which party?
Her: so and so's party
Me: no.. I don't think I was invited
Her: yes you definitely were... I saw on facebook

Me: oh ok I haven't checked facebook for ages. Did you go?
Her: no I went to see Amber (a mutual friend) and she gave me a lift down to London
Me: cool... By this time someone came to talk to her and I got up and left

And suddenly all my progress for the past 8 weeks seemed undone and I felt sad and tearful.

I can't leave my job and can't expect her to leave here
And I am just not sure how I can manage like this. She seemed pretty calm and collected as did I (although I was really struggling inside)
Surely we can't go on like this? To my mind I can't see my progress becoming derailed like this...I could try and keep avoiding her but that is also quite anxiety inducing in itself:-( Has anyone been in this situation and how did you deal with it?
I know that it is only one incident, but I would have to guess that someone usually ends up coming clean.

She could have met someone else as well, but maybe it is something entirely different. Is she pregnant? Maybe she is going to have a baby and doesn't want you to find out, given you are married.

I understand NC, but if you are NC it is typically for a good reason.
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Old 31st August 2017, 4:53 AM   #32
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I really respect your words midnight blue you are one of the few people here who are non-judgmental and empathic.

i find her actions unusual too because she essentially broke up with me because she wanted me to leave my family (i had never promised or even hinted at this) and be with her after she ended her primary relationship... one minute this person wants to be with you ...one text later they are completely over you and acting as if you are friends! I am amazed that a 5 year relationship can end like this and she can expect us to be conversational and friendly without any substantial NC period in the interim!
I am a bit surprised nobody has touched this .

You did not plan to leave your wife or promised her such ...but you are looking for a relation ship outside your marriage and putting an ow through misery (Yes she is responsible too)

What exactly do you want... have extra marital affair where the ow should be her status quo while you enjoy going back and forth ..

Instead of focusing what's missing in you and your marriage and sorting it out ...you are concerned about how could she just drop you and move on over a text ....would it be better for you ..that she suffered but stayed.

Get your self sorted out so you don't make another ow go through this ..instead of focusing on bumping into her in corridors ...she has every right to dump you and pick up her life and move on don't grudge her her doing better ...

Sort your self out .
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Old 31st August 2017, 5:44 AM   #33
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Originally Posted by Hbroken View Post
31st Aug

Today, I have finally come to the unbearable decision to let go.

...I have to accept reality and truly move on.

...From today, I will not plot
From today i will actively try and discard ego thoughts and replace them with constructive thoughts that will add value to my life when realised.
From today, I will not do anything other than be myself.
From today, I will decide that I am enough and I don’t need anyone else’s validation to make me feel better
From today, i will be honest about my needs and expectations from those close to me
From today, I will walk away and be indifferent. From today I will not try to cross paths with her.
From today I will look for happiness within me and within my life rather than from someone else.
I am very glad to see this post from you, you were in danger of "wallowing", but now you seem to be getting yourself out of that muddy waterhole.
Good.
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Old 31st August 2017, 6:01 AM   #34
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Originally Posted by pheonixrisen View Post
I am a bit surprised nobody has touched this .

You did not plan to leave your wife or promised her such ...but you are looking for a relation ship outside your marriage and putting an ow through misery (Yes she is responsible too)

What exactly do you want... have extra marital affair where the ow should be her status quo while you enjoy going back and forth ..

Instead of focusing what's missing in you and your marriage and sorting it out ...you are concerned about how could she just drop you and move on over a text ....would it be better for you ..that she suffered but stayed.

Get your self sorted out so you don't make another ow go through this ..instead of focusing on bumping into her in corridors ...she has every right to dump you and pick up her life and move on don't grudge her her doing better ...

Sort your self out .
A) she was essentially a married woman for 5 y... She was not an OW for 5 years. She had a long term bf who she had planned a future with... When she broke up with him she decided she needed to move on.. And so I let her.. I am not quite sure what you are berating me about...
B) I am trying to focus on myself. I am trying to sort myself out. I don't want an extramarital affair anymore... I accept I erred... I am trying to get onto the road to recovery...I am not quite sure what point you are making!
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Old 31st August 2017, 8:09 AM   #35
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I hate comments that say "yes you can leave your job" and I see so many of those in so many other topics and that is complete bs. Sometimes YOU CAN LEAVE but it's not the most sane/smartest thing to do. I make 6-figures and I need every penny as I'm supporting my parents(and myself so that's two mortgages), I cannot simply find a job that easily that would pay me 6-figures, I'd have to take a huge pay cut honestly and I CANT DO THAT. Just because you can do something doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. Can I go jump off a bridge?? Yes of course, but I won't like the end result, so those comments "are you chained" or whatever are not really helping anybody AT ALL.


I'm dealing with the same situation as you at my work. It's a nightmare as I had to change everything in my daily work life so I don't run into her and I still sometimes do. It's hard, especially when she tries to make small talk, be friendly and whatnot and all I want is to be left alone.

It's amazing how they all wanna be friends after its over.


My advice is to be polite and just keep it moving when you do run into her. NO SMALL TALK, pretend you're busy and walk away. This MAY trigger her so expect a salvo of messages/emails, you just gotta stand your ground.

Good luck,
So no one can apply to jobs, send out resumes, network?

When in a job employers see you as being worth hiring
because you are employed. Those out of work are
disadvantaged this way.

So you are saying that you can not eventually find
a job in a timely fashion?

Then what's wrong with you?
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Old 31st August 2017, 8:59 AM   #36
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Originally Posted by shellybing View Post
I had gathered that she showed up at some place talking about a party she knew he was at? That is a red flag for me. . .
No...they work at the same company and happened to pass in the hall. It's easy to understand when one reads the entire post.
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Old 31st August 2017, 9:00 AM   #37
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Originally Posted by road View Post
So no one can apply to jobs, send out resumes, network?

When in a job employers see you as being worth hiring
because you are employed. Those out of work are
disadvantaged this way.

So you are saying that you can not eventually find
a job in a timely fashion?

Then what's wrong with you?
I think the poster objected to the idea that you just up and quit without having another job lined up...which some people actually suggest....which is always stupid.
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Old 31st August 2017, 9:44 AM   #38
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Up and quitting your job is generally stupid.

But IMO it's also stupid to say that you "can't" quit your job, because that muddies the issue. You could quit, it's just that it would be a stupid thing to do and have messy consequences. So then you start looking at those consequences, like how bad are they, is there any way you can mitigate them, and so on. It helps you start thinking about things in a logical fashion.

It's the same sort of thing with "I can't leave my wife", it's a too-quick answer that avoids you really looking at the details of your relationship and figuring out what parts of it matter to you and how you might be able to handle them.
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Old 31st August 2017, 10:04 AM   #39
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Up and quitting your job is generally stupid.

But IMO it's also stupid to say that you "can't" quit your job, because that muddies the issue. You could quit, it's just that it would be a stupid thing to do and have messy consequences. So then you start looking at those consequences, like how bad are they, is there any way you can mitigate them, and so on. It helps you start thinking about things in a logical fashion.

It's the same sort of thing with "I can't leave my wife", it's a too-quick answer that avoids you really looking at the details of your relationship and figuring out what parts of it matter to you and how you might be able to handle them.
But even then, you don't just up and walk into the living room and say "I want a divorce" and leave.

You don't just walk in and hand in your notice and assume you can pay your family's electric bill the next month.

And yet irresponsible strangers on the internet will tell someone to end their family's only source of income immediately. I've seen it happen.

These people are irresponsible and stupid.
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Old 31st August 2017, 11:17 AM   #40
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Originally Posted by Hbroken View Post
A) she was essentially a married woman for 5 y... She was not an OW for 5 years. She had a long term bf who she had planned a future with... When she broke up with him she decided she needed to move on.. And so I let her.. I am not quite sure what you are berating me about...
B) I am trying to focus on myself. I am trying to sort myself out. I don't want an extramarital affair anymore... I accept I erred... I am trying to get onto the road to recovery...I am not quite sure what point you are making!
The point is...

Sort your self out
Sort your marriage out .

You did not stop the affair .she did .

When you post in a public forum .be open to all kind of opinion and feedback the one you asked for and The one you did not take what you can and rest you can ignore ...its not berating just because it's a different feedback or point of view .
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Old 31st August 2017, 12:50 PM   #41
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I feel your pain! 8 years. Long distance A, married almost 25 and struggling to end a marriage to a good man, but no sexual connection. I keep saying I need to end both relationships and I am struggling to do either.

The OM seems to be able to let go so easily after we have been together. I don't understand. I guess it is just sex to him, but 8 years? It's so painful because I want that type of sexual connection in my marriage, but it has never been there, yet I have half my life wrapped up in a marriage that is decent though lacking that.
I'm so confused and hurting myself and my H, though he is unaware, I know he realizes I am not in the marriage 100%.

How do you walk away? Cold turkey? I guess so. How is it easier for one person in the situation than the other? You say you never intended to leave your wife, but you still formed an emotional connection to the OW? I wonder if my OM had feelings at all for me or just sexual? He didn't want to leave his LTR either and I have been on the fence for years.

I guess I am curious as you didn't want to leave, and now she's free but you still don't want to leave but you are very hurt. Can a man in this situation really have feelings for the OW? Sounds like you did and do.
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Old 31st August 2017, 4:57 PM   #42
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NC is always possible. You do not need to engage in any conversation. Walk away!
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Old 31st August 2017, 5:03 PM   #43
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No contact is always possible
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Old 31st August 2017, 5:28 PM   #44
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I disagree...

Without leaving my job or looking like a complete wacko at work, NC is not possible for me.

Low contact, and minimizing any non-work related discussion is possible. Honestly, NC would be easier and less painful. OP, if you can make it happen, do it. Otherwise the suggestions others made to cut the conversation off where it started were good.
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Old 31st August 2017, 9:00 PM   #45
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Originally Posted by knabe View Post
But even then, you don't just up and walk into the living room and say "I want a divorce" and leave.

You don't just walk in and hand in your notice and assume you can pay your family's electric bill the next month.

And yet irresponsible strangers on the internet will tell someone to end their family's only source of income immediately. I've seen it happen.

These people are irresponsible and stupid.
It's not that most of us are irresponsible and stupid, it's that we've tried it all and know it Does Not Work. You simply cannot feel better if you have any contact with the other person, assuming of course that you are not like many of the people posted about, who never really cared. If it was just fun, you will be okay. But if you dove in with all your heart and soul, you just have to cut your losses and leave.

Don't think I don't get it, I do. Read my posts. But if a doctor said - you need to leave your job or you will die, I bet you would figure it out. OR - tomorrow you go to work and they say, sorry, we have to let you go, you would figure it out. It really is just a job, employment at will, and it can be gone tomorrow.

It sucks. Of course. But there are consequences to actions. Next time, you learn.
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