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Pregnant and might be from affair- could use support


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My whole situation is a mess, and I'm struggling on a day to day basis. My husband had a one night stand with a friend of mine several years ago. We worked through that over a very long time. We both wanted to stay married. One thing I was very clear on though is that I would not promise him monogamy again. Last November I began a physical affair with a work colleague. He is also married and his marriage is much more troubled than my own. We both have children and neither of us can see not being with our kids almost everyday. We usually speak on the phone daily and see each other on work trips. We live 1000+ miles apart. We talk about trying to live closer at some point but I don't know how much of that is just fantasy. Despite being 40 and being on the pill, I am now pregnant. I came clean to my husband. Based on timing, either could be the biological dad. We have talked A LOT. Husband very much wants the baby and says he does not doubt his ability to bond and care for a child that might not be his. Work friend is depressed and withdrawn and says he cannot imagine not knowing his own kid. I'm increasingly depressed. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. Also (and I know this sounds pathetic) but I really miss my friend/MM.

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I dont think you will be getting much support here. To be honest, your post enfuriates me. The real victims here are your children eventually, not any of the adults. Why people insist on staying in messed up relationships, I will never know. My advice: Get a divorce asap and file for custody of the children. There is no way this situation will ever end well for anyone...

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Indeed. I'm sorry that you are having a hard time right now, but the whole situation is pretty messed up. Your behavior, and that of your husband and boyfriend, is incredibly selfish. I feel badly for your children who will grow up in this messy tangle of broken relationships.

 

I don't have anything to offer except to say, good luck.

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Bad situation, I'm sorry you are going through this. Get an in utero paternity test. Don't mean to be harsh ,but all of you deserve each other. You reap what you sow ma'am. I just feel sorry for MMs spouse.

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MidnightBlue1980

Kudos to you for being honest with everyone. There are a lot of posts here about pregnancy and yours is the first I see in which you are honest. I'm the last person to judge anyone here. Your husband and you obviously did not work through everything and revenge affairs are pretty commonplace. It is good your husband recognizes this and is so open to your having the baby.

 

Do you want another baby?

 

The next step is for mm to tell his wife and then as typically happens, he will not be so nice towards you and it will probably help you get over him.

 

Do you want to work it out with your husband? Are you ready to declare a truce now?

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Do you want a baby?

Have you thought of the impact of this on your existing children, his child, his wife and your husband?

 

Think very carefully before you go through with this?

 

I second a paternity test in utero.

 

Its better for all concerned to know the truth.

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Bad situation, I'm sorry you are going through this. Get an in utero paternity test. Don't mean to be harsh ,but all of you deserve each other. You reap what you sow ma'am. I just feel sorry for MMs spouse.

 

That is old technology and posses some risk

to the baby.

 

New way is to draw blood from the mom and do

a DNA test. Which is safe for the baby.

 

They isolate the babies blood cells from the mom's.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

If your husband is willing to forgive you and raise the baby as his own, regardless of paternity, do that and allow MM to have visitation. Highly unlikely he'd go for and be granted custody of the child unless there's something you're leaving out about your fitness as a mother. As the child ages you can figure out what to tell him/her about paternity if your husband is not the father.

 

Depending on where you live, regardless of paternity your husband's name be on the baby's birth certificate anyway. For example, Michigan has this law.

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As far as legalities, I have consulted an attorney. I was expecting husband to (understandably) divorce me. My friend has no rights in my state. Apparently the only one who could force a paternity test would be my husband. Absent that he is the legal father. I'm not saying it should be that way but it is. Visitation would be up to us but I would allow it as the right thing to do. Attorney has advised against a paternity test if husband and I plan to raise the baby. My husband has asked me not to do one.

 

I'm not leaving out anything about my fitness as a mother. My kids, all with husband, are ages 4-14 and are truly great kids. I am deeply torn about if I want another baby, but I do think my husband and I could give baby and our existing kids a good life.

 

I can't see my friend telling his wife. Their marriage is full of conflict. She has an addiction problem and has cheated multiple times. I'm not justifying any of my past actions, but I'm also not sure I should get involved in what he does and doesn't tell her. I care for him and I've been honest with both him and my husband. We have talked much less since he learned of the pregnancy and I suppose that will continue and is for the best.

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Hi and welcome to the board

 

I think people are being far too harsh here - you are actually trying to do the right thing and I admire and respect you! I wish I had done that when I got in a mess like this!! Instead I tried to keep it all secret and regret that so much!

 

But now my son sees this biological dad (xMM) and my husband as father figures in his life. It can work- life is complicated but it can work out!

 

On the other side it's so hard to stop the affair and I still love xMM - I understand your pain there but again don't do what I did - instead move on and focus on your family!

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CautiouslyOptimistic
As far as legalities, I have consulted an attorney. I was expecting husband to (understandably) divorce me. My friend has no rights in my state. Apparently the only one who could force a paternity test would be my husband. Absent that he is the legal father. I'm not saying it should be that way but it is. Visitation would be up to us but I would allow it as the right thing to do. Attorney has advised against a paternity test if husband and I plan to raise the baby. My husband has asked me not to do one.

 

I'm not leaving out anything about my fitness as a mother. My kids, all with husband, are ages 4-14 and are truly great kids. I am deeply torn about if I want another baby, but I do think my husband and I could give baby and our existing kids a good life.

 

I can't see my friend telling his wife. Their marriage is full of conflict. She has an addiction problem and has cheated multiple times. I'm not justifying any of my past actions, but I'm also not sure I should get involved in what he does and doesn't tell her. I care for him and I've been honest with both him and my husband. We have talked much less since he learned of the pregnancy and I suppose that will continue and is for the best.

 

Then it sounds like the best thing to do for this child is to raise it as your husband's and your own. ONLY if your husband truly can accept this baby and love him/her. I know of a couple doing this and the man must truly be a saint (I don't know either of them; they are sister/boyfriend of my good friend).

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Your husband doesn't want the paternity test, but you'd surely want to know who the father is wouldn't you.

 

I don't doubt you can provide a good home to the baby, but how will you explain this to your children, if the OM comes for visitation?

 

They will know you cheated and got pregnant by another man.

 

My BIL found out his mother cheated and his brother wasn't his full brother. He didn't find out till his brother was about 15 though and he really doesn't respect her anymore.

 

The other siblings looked at him with pity and it was a terrible mess.

 

Even if you aren't thinking about the OM and his family, think about your family and how it will affect them.

 

A ONS (even with your friend) and an affair baby are poles apart, yet the ONS is your justification for having an affair.

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Then it sounds like the best thing to do for this child is to raise it as your husband's and your own. ONLY if your husband truly can accept this baby and love him/her. I know of a couple doing this and the man must truly be a saint (I don't know either of them; they are sister/boyfriend of my good friend).

 

I really can't believe what I'm reading here. The child, even not yet born, has a right to know who his biological father is. You are only looking at the situation from the adults point of view, but that's selfish.

 

Besides, do you honestly expect these people to offer a loving and nurturing environment to this child? They don't trust eachother, they don't respect eachother and they don't really love eachother anymore. Its a matter of time before things get much, much worse. Going on with this farce and pretending all is fine is going to come back and haunt them .

Edited by Reddice
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Agreed. It may not be in your legal best interest to do the paternity test, but the child and the child's father have a right to know.

 

I can't imagine why your husband would agree to raise this child as his own without knowing the truth. There are problems and trust issues in this marriage... are you actually planning to stay with your husband and/or are the two of you going to continue with the affairs? This would be the perfect excuse for your husband to pick up another woman on the side - another revenge affair for the fact that you may have become pregnant with another man's child.

 

Or, have you decided to call a truce and raise your children as a happy, blended family?

Edited by BaileyB
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To be clear, I'm not justifying my affair. I offered the ONS as background. It does not justify the affair and I never said it did. I did not mean to imply it did. I am very much thinking about my husband and children but I'm not sure what alternative you are suggesting. I doubt very very much that MM will ever come for visitation.

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I'm not sure what you mean by blended family. If MM is bio dad and wants nothing to do with kid, I'm not sure I'd call that a blended family. No one is saying we would never determine bio paternity but right now my husband says he wants to raise as his and discuss with child when older. Clearly we don't have all the answers but a prenatal DNA test is not the only option. A DNA test does not affect my legal rights but it could affect my husbands (even though very unlikely). I'm trying to respect his wishes. To do a DNA test now, I'd need to either steal his DNA or collude with MM and I'd need to spend at least $1,000 of our joint money. Some of you keep mentioning trust issues, but trust is not one of our issues. Again I'm not justifying my mistakes or pain I've caused, but I've been married 17 years and don't lie to my husband. Also he's not having affairs and he won't. He messed up the one time and still considers it the biggest failing of his life. I coped with it horribly for a really long time but someone earlier said my husband was selfish and that I just don't get at all.

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I apologize that I can't figure out how to reply to individual messages but my responses keep being added to the end. I really am struggling greatly to do very simple things.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I really can't believe what I'm reading here. The child, even not yet born, has a right to know who his biological father is. You are only looking at the situation from the adults point of view, but that's selfish.

 

Besides, do you honestly expect these people to offer a loving and nurturing environment to this child? They don't trust eachother, they don't respect eachother and they don't really love eachother anymore. Its a matter of time before things get much, much worse. Going on with this farce and pretending all is fine is going to come back and haunt them .

 

I didn't say the child doesn't have a right to know, but OP said she doubts the possible bio dad is going to tell his wife and that he's been pulling away since hearing of the pregnancy. And he lives 1,000 miles away. Doesn't sound like someone who will be involved so in my opinion is that it's fine to wait to tell the the kid the truth.

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I apologize that I can't figure out how to reply to individual messages but my responses keep being added to the end. I really am struggling greatly to do very simple things.

 

Go to the message you want to reply to and press the quote button at the end of the message, that will give you the whole message to reply to, but you can edit it if you want to just quote a sentence say, or bold a part of it for emphasis.

Add in your post after the "

" and press "submit reply"
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Darren Steez
To be clear, I'm not justifying my affair. I offered the ONS as background. It does not justify the affair and I never said it did. I did not mean to imply it did. I am very much thinking about my husband and children but I'm not sure what alternative you are suggesting. I doubt very very much that MM will ever come for visitation.

 

No but you sort of did by saying you couldn't offer monogamy so with that in mind you gave yourself permission to have this affair.

 

If you've done this out of disrespect to your husband, can you respect him if he looks after a child that isn't his?

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op,

Take a deep breath and relax a bit. You will be able to get through all of this.

 

Finding out you are pregnant is life changing, no matter what the circumstances. You have some choices to make, but you do have some time to make them.

 

Have you tried speaking with a counselor to help you sort through all of this? It can be a big help.

 

Also, there are many joys of pregnancy. The first time you see your new little one on an ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat, feeling him or her move for the first time.

 

One thing I can recommend to you, and I say this from experience. Please, find out who the baby's father is, if only for the fact that it can be really helpful if you know your child's genetic background. I was adopted, and other than the fact that my bio-mother was french canadan and my bio-father was american I don't really know anything. This has been difficult, as my children all have health issues that could be related t their genetics. If I knew a bit more, it would be really helpful and answer lot of questions.

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I'm not sure what you mean by blended family. If MM is bio dad and wants nothing to do with kid, I'm not sure I'd call that a blended family. No one is saying we would never determine bio paternity but right now my husband says he wants to raise as his and discuss with child when older. Clearly we don't have all the answers but a prenatal DNA test is not the only option. A DNA test does not affect my legal rights but it could affect my husbands (even though very unlikely). I'm trying to respect his wishes. To do a DNA test now, I'd need to either steal his DNA or collude with MM and I'd need to spend at least $1,000 of our joint money. Some of you keep mentioning trust issues, but trust is not one of our issues. Again I'm not justifying my mistakes or pain I've caused, but I've been married 17 years and don't lie to my husband. Also he's not having affairs and he won't. He messed up the one time and still considers it the biggest failing of his life. I coped with it horribly for a really long time but someone earlier said my husband was selfish and that I just don't get at all.

 

Does the OM know that he got you pregnant?

 

Did you have sex with others besides you OM

and your BH?

 

If the answer is no then you do not need the

OM to do a paternity test. The test when done

will just show that your BH is the father or he

is not the father.

 

Then by process of elimination you and your

BH will know that the OM is the father.

 

Now onto telling the OM. When a WW and a BH

are trying to recover their marriage there must

be NC with the OM. So it is best to not even

let the OM know that you are pregnant.

 

Talking about rights of the OM. Well the law of

presumption makes the BH the legal dad

of the OC.

 

What about the rights of the Marriage to be

saved. The rights of the pre-existing children

to no have their family broken up due to the

affair restarting because NC is not maintained.

 

If the OM was so concerned about his rights

why did he not date a single woman eligible

to marry him and have his children?

 

The OM ignored the laws of the land

and the laws of God. So he should be allowed

to say those laws should not apply to me

because I am special?

 

I do not agree with the OM for he is not

special. He is just a very skilled liar and

cheat.

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RecentChange
Do you want a baby?

Have you thought of the impact of this on your existing children, his child, his wife and your husband?

 

Think very carefully before you go through with this?.

 

Seriously, read the "Brian's dad thread" affair children aren't exactly always welcomed with open arms.

 

You have have other children, grandparents, community etc which can make life for a child like this a real hell.

 

I am a cheater as well, I have the bug Scarlet letter. He was married as well....But no children!!!!

 

I have to be so damn judgey but a HUGE reason why I never had kids is because they MUST come first. Certainly should be considered before engaging in such absolutely wreckless behavior.

 

They are the victims here. Your husband choose to marry you, your kids didn't choose a mom who consciously embarked on an affair.

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To be clear, I'm not justifying my affair. I offered the ONS as background. It does not justify the affair and I never said it did. I did not mean to imply it did. I am very much thinking about my husband and children but I'm not sure what alternative you are suggesting. I doubt very very much that MM will ever come for visitation.

 

By not promising monogamy following his ONS, you allowed or gave yourself permission to have an affair. That led to the pregnancy.

 

You're essentially saying you wouldn't have been unfaithful if your husband wasn't unfaithful. I call that justification.

 

Alternatives..... A termination perhaps?

 

If you weren't planning a child, it's a major life change, it's expensive and you and your husband could still split up further down the line.... Will he still be keen to see the baby... To contribute to a college fund... This child brings too much trouble IF it isn't your husband's.

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