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3 year affair


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I'm new here so I apologize if I don't use the proper terminology and/or abbreviations. My story is long so thank you for those who take time to read it.

 

I worked with my now Affair partner years before we even talked. He was always anti social and never approachable. Which was fine cause I had no desire to approach him (or anyone else) as I was happily with and madly in love with my then fiancé (now husband) well fast forward several years and I am now married and I am also now talking (only friendly) with This other man. One flirty text after another (and some inappropriate photos) we are now having sex in my car at work ?. At first (first year) its was strictly sexual. We talked everyday all day in texts and at work but no feelings were really there other than sexual attraction. Well after getting to know each other, talking all day and becoming each other's best friend we became extremely close. This once anti social ******* has completely opened up to me and vise versa. We start "hanging out" more and continue talking everyday. We mainly had our "moments" in the car but then started doing the hotel thing (forgot to mention he's married as well) we went out of town one time together but not since as the lie and cover up for that is hard. He swears he hates his wife, says they sleep in different rooms, and even says they haven't had sex in a year (I'm not sure I believe it) I feel like he is my twin flame. We connect on this insane level. I definitely fell in love with this man over the last 6 months and I have told him yet he's never said it back. His home life he claims is miserable yet mine is not. I have an amazing husband who puts me first, loves me, provides for me yet somehow I would risk it all for this other guy. If he left his wife today I would be with him in a heart beat. Although he says he doesn't love her and doesn't want to be with her he also says he won't file for divorce first cause of their son (he doesn't want to be the bad guy) I have tried to break it off with him several times (he makes comments that I break up with him 2 times a week on Average ) so at this point he doesn't take it serious. I feel like I'm waiting for him to get divorced so I can be with him. Am I foolish???? I can't seem to leave but know it's best I don't stay. I feel like I'm addicted to him and I don't really understand why. What we have is amazing but definitely not realistic. Talking all day everyday for 3 years. How do you break that? ?

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Yes, you are very foolish to risk your marriage.

 

I don't sense very much remorse for your actions or the pain that they will cause your husband when he learns of the affair. Your husband deserves more than this.

 

I could go on and on to tell you that what you have with this other man is pure fantasy, it's probably nothing more than sex for this man, that you could lose your job if you were discovered, or give you the stats that it's highly unlikely that this man will ever leave his wife for you... but, it's likely wasted energy when are so deep in the "affair fog" that you say you would leave your loving husband for this cheater if he would have you...

 

If you are really serious about ending the affair, the single best thing you could do is tell your husband. That will end it, full stop.

 

Spend some time reading some of the posts on this site - in this section and the infidelity section. Hopefully, that will give you a little more insight into how your husband will feel when he learns that the love of his life has been having sex in her car with another man at work. Perhaps, that will spark some remorse and help you to make some better decisions with your life.

 

Sorry, tough love, I know. It's good that you are here. You may not like all the comments you receive, but you will find them insightful. I really do wish you well.

Edited by BaileyB
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Holy crap! I won't lie that reply was harsh but it hit me in the gut in an eye opening way. You are right. What is wrong with me? I have this perfect life. Why the hell am I risking it all for someone who has used me for ass (even tho he swears differently) ??? my husband deserved better.

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I know, tough love... I'm sorry, I don't mean to be hurtful.

 

But, it's the truth. What the **** are you doing sleeping with another man when you have a good man who loves you and doesn't deserve to be hurt in this way.

 

A man who truly loves you would want the best for you. He wouldn't want you to risk your marriage and your life's happiness. He would want more than a few stolen moments and some risky sex in the car. This is more than likely a thrill for him. He's getting a little extra sex at work...

 

The good news, you can stop this, today.

Edited by BaileyB
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mysisterhatesme

Let me ask you something... do you think about your husband at all when you know how much this would hurt him? When you are having sex with this man, and you think about your husband?, what do you do with that feeling? stuff it down or just ignore it. I can't imagine.

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If you really feel he is your "twin flame" then why don't you just do the honourable thing, and divorce your husband so you can be with this guy. I mean, you're already putting all of your energy towards scumbag Other Man anyway, so letting your husband know what happened will mean at least one less person you have to be lying to.

 

Your husband deserves a woman who can actually honour her vows of marriage and be faithful to her husband. You are not that woman. And what is worse is that you seem to have no remorse. You may have selfish worries about losing the lifestyle you've become accustomed to, but you hardly seem to care about how the devastation that you are causing your husband.

 

Let your husband go so he can find someone better.

Edited by Imajerk17
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somuchfortheone
I'm new here so I apologize if I don't use the proper terminology and/or abbreviations. My story is long so thank you for those who take time to read it.

 

I worked with my now Affair partner years before we even talked. He was always anti social and never approachable. Which was fine cause I had no desire to approach him (or anyone else) as I was happily with and madly in love with my then fiancé (now husband) well fast forward several years and I am now married and I am also now talking (only friendly) with This other man. One flirty text after another (and some inappropriate photos) we are now having sex in my car at work ?. At first (first year) its was strictly sexual. We talked everyday all day in texts and at work but no feelings were really there other than sexual attraction. Well after getting to know each other, talking all day and becoming each other's best friend we became extremely close. This once anti social ******* has completely opened up to me and vise versa. We start "hanging out" more and continue talking everyday. We mainly had our "moments" in the car but then started doing the hotel thing (forgot to mention he's married as well) we went out of town one time together but not since as the lie and cover up for that is hard. He swears he hates his wife, says they sleep in different rooms, and even says they haven't had sex in a year (I'm not sure I believe it) I feel like he is my twin flame. We connect on this insane level. I definitely fell in love with this man over the last 6 months and I have told him yet he's never said it back. His home life he claims is miserable yet mine is not. I have an amazing husband who puts me first, loves me, provides for me yet somehow I would risk it all for this other guy. If he left his wife today I would be with him in a heart beat. Although he says he doesn't love her and doesn't want to be with her he also says he won't file for divorce first cause of their son (he doesn't want to be the bad guy) I have tried to break it off with him several times (he makes comments that I break up with him 2 times a week on Average ) so at this point he doesn't take it serious. I feel like I'm waiting for him to get divorced so I can be with him. Am I foolish???? I can't seem to leave but know it's best I don't stay. I feel like I'm addicted to him and I don't really understand why. What we have is amazing but definitely not realistic. Talking all day everyday for 3 years. How do you break that? ?

 

 

You are desrcibing and experiencing limerence. PLEASE listen to this podcast it will explain everything you're going through ... he has other ones too. You can search them on marriagehelper.com.. just search "limerence" but start with this one:

 

[PODCAST] The Three Stages of Being Madly In Love (Limerence) - The Dr. Joe Show Podcast - Marriage Helper

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pheonixrisen

3 years is a long time ...

You robbed 3 years of your husband life .

3 years of lying /betraying/going behind his back /and making a fool of him.from start of day to end of day .

 

And by your own admission he deserves better ...at the very least better than you.

 

Fair enough you fell in love with someone else while you were married ..you and the om are knowingly in this ...but what rights in devil hell does it give you to take away his right to an authentic marriage .

 

The om may never leave his wife ...he may or may not be in a happy marriage .you may just be an extra distraction on side ...you can figure that out for yourself in time

 

For now ..focus on your h and give him an out .at the very least that.he deserves that ..then this pretense of a woman you who he thinks the world off ..who much rather give up a good guy for a guy who has not been able to offer more than car sex session who could not even muster up an I love you too honey ..probably something he only reserves for his wife and child .

 

This will come crashing down as these things sooner or later always do ..5 years ago I had a Dday with my h who was in an affair for 2 years ...5 years later I am still in recovery it is single handedly the most gutwrenching painful situation i have had to experience .

 

A good man does not deserves this treatment for mere morsel .

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The problem for you is that this man and his "awful" marriage has little to lose, as he probably knows his wife is going nowhere as she loves him and she will not want to break up for the sake of the son even if she were to find out.

His marriage will continue, he doesn't want a divorce, he has told you that, believe him. If she does file he will fight her hard for reconciliation and where does that leave you --- nowhere.

OW vs wife with kids = no contest (usually).

 

YOU on the other hand, if this all comes out, will no doubt be unceremoniously dumped by your husband as men tend not to view cheating wives as "marriage material", especially a woman who has been cheating on him for 3 long years...

Even if he does stay, he will never view you in quite the same way again.

 

YOU are risking so much here and for what really?

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rumblefish12

Almost everything you described is textbook limerence. My xAP also said we were twinflames and had been together in many other lifetimes. She was sure of it. It had to be. It was destined. Guess what? When I started learning about affairs and limerence, THAT specific claim is very very common. That's when I realized there really wasn't anything special or unique about my circumstance.

 

You say it is like you are addicted. You ARE addicted. Affair behavior mirrors addictive behavior and the pleasure centers that are effected are similar to those of opiates. Your feelings are brain chemistry. Looking back at your objective view of this man before the illicit sex is probably a much better reflection of your natural level of attraction without the addictive chemicals. And that is what a life with him would be like after limerence wears off. Don't make that mistake.

 

Some will tell you to tell your H. I say no. If you want to save your marriage and not cause him unnecessary anguish, don't tell him but change your behavior. Be the wife he deserves.

 

How do you do that when you are addicted to talking to your AP everyday? Good question and the answer is going to be as hard as kicking any hard drugs out there. You have to do whatever is necessary. Most people would tell you that you have to start looking for somewhere else to work. No Contact (NC) is really the only thing that works and even with that you should be prepared to go through weeks of anguish (if not months).

 

That's the reality. It can be done. Lots of people here have done it or are doing it. There's hope. You just have to make an honest appraisal of your priorities. If you want your marriage, go NC, get as much distance as possible and do whatever it takes. Seriously, if you leave your H for this guy (which I honestly doubt this guy will ever divorce his wife anyway) you will regret it for the rest of your life.

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Rumblefish12 Thank you!!!! Every word you said made sense! I listened to the limerence podcast someone posted above and I had no idea until this morning about limerence. I didn't post here to be judge but stupid me for thinking otherwise. I simply was looking for someone like you to give a few words of advise as for obvious reasons I don't talk about this to anyone. I without a doubt believe my husband deserves a better wife but I also believe without a doubt I can be that wife again.

Thank you for taking the time to rely advise rather than judgement! It means a lot to me and you are soooo right in what you write.

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Thank you for the link. I listened to it this morning and I had no idea about limerence before now but my goodness it all made sense It's crazy. I am going to his website now. Thank you for sharing.

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somuchfortheone
Thank you for the link. I listened to it this morning and I had no idea about limerence before now but my goodness it all made sense �� It's crazy. I am going to his website now. Thank you for sharing.

 

You're very welcome. He has his own site with articles: joebeam.com and marriagehelper.com. I've listened to most of his stuff - it's really, really great. Unfortunately, there really isn't a whole lot about limerence on the internet (it's kind of a newly recognized condition)...but very real, none the less. Another good resource (not as good, but good) - limerence.net.

 

 

I wish you the very best.

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Some will tell you to tell your H. I say no. If you want to save your marriage and not cause him unnecessary anguish, don't tell him but change your behavior. Be the wife he deserves.

 

 

So you are advising that OP keep living a lie? Seriously??

 

I nearly choked on my corn flakes reading this advice. In this life, when you do bad stuff, there are consequences. OMalley's husband deserves to know about the wife he has *right now*, or more to the point, for all of *the past 3 years*. OP made the decision over and over again to betray her husband and have sex with her coworker for those 3 years, OP's husband deserves to be able to make the decision as to whether he wants to stay married to that.

Edited by Imajerk17
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Some will tell you to tell your H. I say no. If you want to save your marriage and not cause him unnecessary anguish, don't tell him but change your behavior. Be the wife he deserves.

 

From the day OP crossed the line with her AP to the day her husband finds out the truth, her marriage has been a lie. The pain and anguish has already been caused, the poor bastard just doesn't know it yet. Telling him the truth is only a courtesy he deserves because he is a grown man capable of making decisions for himself. He doesn't need anyone else making decisions for him. Continuing to live the lie just perpetuates the behavior that made the affair possible. It doesn't help anyone. There is no way OP can be the wife he deserves if she does not even have enough respect for him to tell him the truth.

 

OP, a marriage can survive anything except for lies. Lies eat away at any foundation of trust, and without trust, there can be no respect.

 

What exactly are you trying to accomplish? Do you want out of the affair or are you trying to take it to the next level? The tone of your first post suggests it's the latter. If that is the case then I'd advise you to follow your heart. Give your husband the gift of truth, file for divorce then dedicate yourself to chasing your AP. That way, both you and your husband can find happiness. Good luck.

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I am inclined to agree with Rumblefish, get out of the affair no matter what it takes, and it sounds as though only a change of employment would do that here, and start appreciating how lucky you are to have such a good husband.

 

It is not always necessary to reveal the affair to the spouse, it depends on the relationship, some people would actually prefer not to know as long as it doesn't continue or re occur. In other cases it may be that the solution is to come clean, only you can make that judgement knowing your own particular relationship.

 

Whatever you decide I wish you the best as it won't be easy.

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:)

This is that relationship FOG that is so mesmerizing... you get to experience only the best part of any relationship, sweet talk, passion, awesome sex , THE SECRET / ADVENTURE that is so hard to resist .... no gas bills, no who picks up the kid today from daycare, who cooks dinner tonight ? :)

There are 2 redflags ... he only complains about his home life, yet he is still there (obviously it cannot be that unbareable) .... he has never said he loves you in return in 3 years.

 

You, on the other hand have a great marriage, very nice husband.

I know it is very hard to turn your back on this highly fueled passionate affair..... but this would be your ultimate goal.

 

You do not want to lose your marriage with that awesome husband of yours, do you ??

Your husband proved himself, your affair partner have not, he has sex with you.

That's it.

It will be hard and you will be slightly depressed breaking it off .... but try to aim that sexual tension towards your hubby before it's too late.

HUGS ! :)

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