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Am I paranoid??


Moonlight_coffee

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Moonlight_coffee

Hi everyone,

 

I've been lurking here for a few months.

 

Have a mm. Well xmm. Been together a little over a year. I'm confused. Sigh thought I was ready to post and let it all out but I guess not

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Hi everyone,

 

I've been lurking here for a few months.

 

Have a mm. Well xmm. Been together a little over a year. I'm confused. Sigh thought I was ready to post and let it all out but I guess not

 

Hi MC, it's ok if you're not quite ready to post. Sounds like you are going through a lot. We're here to listen when you're ready!

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Moonlight_coffee

I am 25, xmm is 33. We live in the States and We work at the same place but different departments. Our affair was 2 years long.

 

Backstory...I was single when we started,he pursued me hard. Things were going well, we kept emotions out of it but things were good nonetheless. Fast forward to 1.5 years in.. We got a new girl (23) at the company. MM started going lunch with her daily,which was very surprising to me. I asked him if there was something going on between them to which he said no. I believed him and so I let it go. Fast forward to a couple more months, the girl would see me and make snide comments or give attitude. I do not know this girl, we work in separate departments so I have no reason to speak to her. I confronted mm again, he again denied being intimately involved with her and that they're just friends and I should trust him.

 

I didn't believe him. I ended it. But we somehow got back together. And the girl continued being rude with me for no apparent reason. The only connection I had with her is mm. I couldn't take it any longer and mm got upset with me constantly 'accusing' him. We're over now and I really am trying to move on and forget him. But I have to see both of them daily and somehow it still hurts.

 

I guess what I want to know is 1) am I being paranoid in suspecting that they are more than just friends? Was it unreasonable wanting mm to stop seeing her?

 

2) how do I move on given that I'll still have to see them daily.

 

Also to add mm seems unaffected by this and seems quite contented with her even though we are over.

 

Thank you in advance for the responses. I appreciate any insight and advice I can get. I know I posted in the correct forum so no judgements please

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Why would he be upset about you ending the affair when he has his wife and other other woman to keep him happy?

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whichwayisup

Of course he's doing whatever he wants, just like he lies to his wife, he lies to you as well. Did you think you were more special than his wife and he'd never lie to you?

 

What is it that you want from him? If the A is over, then do your best to move on and stay away from him. He's not trustworthy and he's for sure only thinking of himself. You can do better!

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It probably fair to assume that there is something happening between this man and this younger woman. If you are not ok with being one of three women he is sleeping with or being replaced by a younger woman who is "new and exciting", then you need to do as you have done and end it.

 

It is very sad that you had no problem crossing boundaries with another woman's husband, but now that the roles have changed and it has happened to you - that's not acceptable and you plan to end it.

 

I hope you find the strength to end this relationship and move forward with a new life... I can't imagine anything worse than staying with a man who has such little respect for women that he would move from one woman to another, so easily.

Edited by BaileyB
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I guess what I want to know is - Was it unreasonable wanting mm to stop seeing her?

 

Darling girl, what is reasonable? I can imagine that his wife would find it very reasonable to expect her husband to stop seeing both of you.

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Moonlight_coffee

He always got so defensive when I bring it up and says I'm being verbally abusive to him smh. He had 2 ddays but we still continued. He just makes me feel like I'm crazy for not trusting him and that my trust issues is affecting 'us'.

 

He says he doesn't have sex with his wife. Yes I don't know why but I didn't expect him to lie to me.

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whichwayisup
He always got so defensive when I bring it up and says I'm being verbally abusive to him smh. He had 2 ddays but we still continued. He just makes me feel like I'm crazy for not trusting him and that my trust issues is affecting 'us'.

 

He says he doesn't have sex with his wife. Yes I don't know why but I didn't expect him to lie to me.

 

He is gas lighting you just like what he does to his wife as well. He has total control and is quite manipulative and a great liar! You're believing everything he tells you but my guess is deep down you know what's what and are lying to yourself or in denial.

 

Why are you hanging onto a married man who has no respect for women? He certainly isn't in love with you. If he was, after 2 ddays don't you think he would have left his wife and divorced her by now? He has had plenty of opportunities to and still hasn't. That action in itself shows you where he wants to be. To still be married and having side flings/affairs with women he can fool and manipulate.

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He always got so defensive when I bring it up and says I'm being verbally abusive to him smh. He had 2 ddays but we still continued. He just makes me feel like I'm crazy for not trusting him and that my trust issues is affecting 'us'.

 

He says he doesn't have sex with his wife. Yes I don't know why but I didn't expect him to lie to me.

 

He is gas lighting you - trying to shift the blame to you so that you will get upset to distract you from the fact that he is using you and lying to you in the worst way...

 

You can't really believe what he says about his wife. Maybe they have sex, maybe they don't... But telling you that they don't is on the first page of the cheaters handbook.

 

Look - there is no redemption for a married man who has two D days and continues on with his affair - with not just one woman but probably two women (maybe more, for all that you know...). He shows no remorse, no willingness to change his ways. If he hasn't left his marriage already, the chances that he will leave are slim. And even if he does leave, he may not even chose to be with you... Don't wait for him, you will be wasting the best years of your life.

 

And yes, if he will cheat with you, he will most definitely cheat on you. And to be a cheater, you must be a liar. So, you really shouldn't believe a word this man says to you...

 

Best to leave him to his hurtful, self destructive ways... And try to find a healthier, happier relationship for you. You deserve more than this man has to offer. Don't settle for anything less.

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Moonlight_coffee

Yes I know I need to cut him off and I've made it clear to you that I never want to speak with him again. Now I just need to not let seeing them together bother me.... easier said than done. I wish I didn't feel this way

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Yes I know I need to cut him off and I've made it clear to you that I never want to speak with him again. Now I just need to not let seeing them together bother me.... easier said than done. I wish I didn't feel this way

 

Moonlight_coffee,

 

I've been where you are , with the exception of working together. I'm sorry for what you are going through, but, I can tell you that it helps that you cut the A off.

I'd suggest getting tested for std's, because there could be others, and if this other girl was angry with you for no reason, chances are, she was sleeping with him.

I got angry with myself for becoming involved with a MM, took responsibility for my part, broke it off, went NC, and never looked back.

In time, indifference will come . Seeing them together is going to be difficult,

but, if you can just rationalize in your mind, the type of person he is.

He's no good, he's like a predator, or a player, whatever it takes to

turn your stomach. You've dodged a bullet, by getting out, and hopefully haven't contracted something.

You may even find it helpful to look for employment elsewhere. Good luck,& No you aren't paranoid, trust your gut.

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The three biggest lies in the world:

 

The check is in the mail

I'll pull out

I don't have sex with my wife

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Moonlight_coffee
Moonlight_coffee,

 

I've been where you are , with the exception of working together. I'm sorry for what you are going through, but, I can tell you that it helps that you cut the A off.

I'd suggest getting tested for std's, because there could be others, and if this other girl was angry with you for no reason, chances are, she was sleeping with him.

I got angry with myself for becoming involved with a MM, took responsibility for my part, broke it off, went NC, and never looked back.

In time, indifference will come . Seeing them together is going to be difficult,

but, if you can just rationalize in your mind, the type of person he is.

He's no good, he's like a predator, or a player, whatever it takes to

turn your stomach. You've dodged a bullet, by getting out, and hopefully haven't contracted something.

You may even find it helpful to look for employment elsewhere. Good luck,& No you aren't paranoid, trust your gut.

 

Thank you and yes that's exactly where I want to reach... indifference. The weekends are soo good then when i get back to work BAM!! It's that time all over again. Yes I also hope with time I'll be able to get better

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Moonlight_coffee

Thank you all for the comments. I just wanted to know I wasn't being irrational or crazy in calling him out on his behavior

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You are being unreasonable, because you've no right to tell him who he can and cannot speak to.

 

His wife hasn't been able to stop him engaging with you, why do you think you have the power to control a cheating husband who actually isn't your husband?

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Thank you all for the comments. I just wanted to know I wasn't being irrational or crazy in calling him out on his behavior

 

It's not irrational to expect the man that you are dating to be faithful and treat you with respect.

 

What makes this situation irrational is the fact that you are expecting these two things from a serial cheater. If these are things that you expect from a partner, then this is not your guy.

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Made it clear to him*** that I don't want to speak with him again

 

This is great Moonlight, anything less, will interfere with your process

of healing, moving forward, and putting this A far behind you.

 

It took me 8 months to feel better about myself and feel the A was all behind me.

 

I've noticed that you haven't mentioned needing, "closure", again, this

is excellent on your part. You are gonna be a wiser person in the end and if you're like me, never in this position with any attached person in the future.

 

If you have someone you can confide in, it would help,when you feel weak or

just need to vent.

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Moonlight_coffee
This is great Moonlight, anything less, will interfere with your process

of healing, moving forward, and putting this A far behind you.

 

It took me 8 months to feel better about myself and feel the A was all behind me.

 

I've noticed that you haven't mentioned needing, "closure", again, this

is excellent on your part. You are gonna be a wiser person in the end and if you're like me, never in this position with any attached person in the future.

 

If you have someone you can confide in, it would help,when you feel weak or

just need to vent.

 

 

Well I don't need any closure because we had broken up multiple times b4 over the situation with this other female. I'm a very private and quiet person and I really don't like the confrontations and drama. N therefore I didn't want to confront her about 'it' because I didn't want to confirm with her that he and I were involved. Anyways after the first breakup I confided in a friend and he was understanding and said we all made mistakes. I was good and was moving on well and then here he comes three days after, saying how much he really missed me and felt depressed bcus I left etc etc and so I thought maybe I was being unfair(cause he got real mad at me 'accusing' him) and so I said I would try and trust him that they're friends n we started up again. But then the girl kept at it and every time I would ask him why would she be doing that if he didn't at least gave her reason to. He got upset and said I'm being controlling and argumentative. But then he stopped being with her(or so I thought) and so we were good again.

 

Until about a month after he picked up going back with her daily. I just said ok, this is enough if he wants to be with her then that's fine but he won't be with both of us at the same time. And so I ended it and he agreed and said we couldn't have a relationship if I didn't trust HIM. So yes no closure needed.

 

I just need to look into getting a new job and leaving his serial cheater a** behind.

 

Did I mention that she was calling him endearing names like baby, hun n dear...., but he didn't return them. N she was always the one checking in on him. I guess he likes the attention. Tsk

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I just need to look into getting a new job and leaving his serial cheater a** behind.

 

Right on Moonlight!:)

 

He sounds like a piece of work.

Edited by skywriter
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He always got so defensive when I bring it up and says I'm being verbally abusive to him smh. He had 2 ddays but we still continued. He just makes me feel like I'm crazy for not trusting him and that my trust issues is affecting 'us'.

 

He says he doesn't have sex with his wife. Yes I don't know why but I didn't expect him to lie to me.

 

Op,

to address your concerns, you have to understand why affairs happen in the first place.

 

The problem isn't in his relationship with his wife, it's with him. He cheats because he wants to ( I don't know why, and I really don't care). She- and you as well- could be the sexiest woman alive, the best in bed and serve him up gourmet meals every day, and he will still cheat and lie.

 

To me, it sounds like he is just not cut out for monogamy. He knows this, but will never, ever admit that to another living soul because he knows that by playing the poor sad sack who is misunderstood by his wife and now you, his ow. women who are "fixers" or have a competitive spirit will be drawn to him. What could be more sad and in need of attention than a man with a cold fish wife?

 

That doesn't make one single word that comes out of his mouth the truth.

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travelbug1996

This post made me LOL. Of course he is trying to get as much on the side as he possibly can. He's a cake eater and that's what they do. Don't get caught up with him. He's bad news honey.

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