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Two Married People Affair and Divorce


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SweetBabe83

Before you judge just hear me out.

 

My husband has physically and mentally abused me for years. Recently, I met a man who is a fireman after my mother's home caught fire. A few weeks later he contacted me and asked how she was. We started talking about some things and found out we have a lot in common. A month went by and he told me he was married but unhappy and had depression for years. He said for the first time in about 3 years I aroused him.

 

It has been three months and I believe I love him. He told me he had fallen for me about a month ago. He mentioned we have a lot of changes to think about soon. He has a 25 year old child so no kids are involved. I have read men rarely leave for a mistress. But I dont know if I am his side chick and he is my side dude considering. I am 16 years younger than him but I love it. I am in my 30's so I am an actual mature woman.

 

All I know is he has had me in his home several times and I have dropped him off at his doorstep with the wife home. He said he did not care if she seen it. He mentioned to me he wants to get caught so he can just be out with it and get kicked out. He comes to my home when my husband is away for work trips.

 

Is this typical cheater behavior for a man who does not plan to leave. He has also told his co workers and friends about me. And he wanted to meet my mother. He did. And she likes him. Ahe also lnows what is going on and is just glad I am happy.

 

I feel safe. I have his number in case my husband abuses me again and he said he would be there and help. I am divorcing anyway but I am waiting on my raise to hit.

Edited by SweetBabe83
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It does sound like a man who is ready to divorce, except that the one thing he needs to do is file papers. Ask why he hasn't done that. He may just have a wife who will put up with this and he wants more than one woman, so be sure you set your own boundaries.

 

And obviously you need to get out of your abusive relationship no matter what. This guy is cheating right under his wife's nose, so it might be best to just get out of your relationship and be single for a bit.

 

Also, I have to caution you that if he knew you were being abused he could be an abuser also (I mean he is rubbing his wife's face in it already) and be attracted to you because he thinks you'll put up with HIS abuse. So do NOT get in a hurry with this guy. Be on your own.

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If your husband is abusive, when he comes to know about your affair, you have no idea how things will go.

 

Take Care

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Also, I have to caution you that if he knew you were being abused he could be an abuser also (I mean he is rubbing his wife's face in it already) and be attracted to you because he thinks you'll put up with HIS abuse. So do NOT get in a hurry with this guy. Be on your own.

 

Yes as an abused woman, you are in a very vulnerable state at the moment, you might as well have "potential victim material" tattooed on your forehead and that attracts all sorts of men up to no good, including married ones who are often on the lookout for women like you.

Being abused you will be hungry for attention, any attention, and so you will put up with stuff that other women would see as huge red flags...

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SweetBabe83

I find it a little offensive to paint me as a victim. Tjr last fight my husband was provoking me and I hit him with a screwdriver and he needed stitches. I have stayed with him because I like his money....not that I am afraid to leave. I also own several guns....so let him try.

 

 

I really do not think my boyfriend id abusive. I stood him up twice on purpose and he communicated with me perfectly. Also, I asked him to do some sadist sex acts on me and he was afraid of hurting me.

 

I have heard his wife on the phone in the background. She is really nasty.

 

We bonded because we both feel like we live in the same situation. I have also asked some close friends if they know him. He has been a fireman foe 12 years. All say he is a good guy and all know of his wife being kind of overbearing.

Edited by SweetBabe83
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I would tell him you can't sleep with him again until he's filed for divorce (and hopefully you will soon too). That will ensure that he's not just bullshltting you.

 

Remember that the way people seem when you first meet them and they're trying to give a good impression, is often WAY different than how they are in a relationship. Has he been introspective on what HE did to contribute to his bad marriage? If he's blaming it all on his wife, that's a bad sign. And have you? Just because your husband is abusive (and I'm sorry, that is terrible and no woman deserves to be treated that way!) doesn't automatically make you innocent.

 

My affair partner and I were both married, both got divorced, and now we are in a relationship. One of the reasons I felt relatively secure about choosing to be with him, and vice versa, is that we spent a lot of time thinking about our own faults and working to improve them. Otherwise it's easy to repeat your poor decisions when the going gets tough - which it always does at some point.

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SweetBabe83
I would tell him you can't sleep with him again until he's filed for divorce (and hopefully you will soon too). That will ensure that he's not just bullshltting you.

 

Remember that the way people seem when you first meet them and they're trying to give a good impression, is often WAY different than how they are in a relationship. Has he been introspective on what HE did to contribute to his bad marriage? If he's blaming it all on his wife, that's a bad sign. And have you? Just because your husband is abusive (and I'm sorry, that is terrible and no woman deserves to be treated that way!) doesn't automatically make you innocent.

 

My affair partner and I were both married, both got divorced, and now we are in a relationship. One of the reasons I felt relatively secure about choosing to be with him, and vice versa, is that we spent a lot of time thinking about our own faults and working to improve them. Otherwise it's easy to repeat your poor decisions when the going gets tough - which it always does at some point.

 

He told me about two years after marriage he just stopped liking her and he has had 2 affairs over a ten year span. I had an affair for two years prior but he was single.

 

I plan to tell him no sex once I get to where I am divorcing. I hardly see it is fair for me to demand he leave his wife while I am still married.

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ItStartsFromWithin

 

I find it a little offensive to paint me as a victim.

 

I asked him to do some sadist sex acts on me and he was afraid of hurting me.

 

Tjr last fight my husband was provoking me and I hit him with a screwdriver and he needed stitches.

 

I have stayed with him because I like his money....

 

 

OK....Quietly and quickly exiting this thread. Good luck

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SweetBabe83

 

I find it a little offensive to paint me as a victim.

 

I asked him to do some sadist sex acts on me and he was afraid of hurting me.

 

Tjr last fight my husband was provoking me and I hit him with a screwdriver and he needed stitches.

 

I have stayed with him because I like his money....

 

 

OK....Quietly and quickly exiting this thread. Good luck

 

Sadism? I am a dominant female and typically I prefer to be a sadist. He is quite submissive. But I thought it would be nice to see if he had it in him.

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independentwoman
Sadism? I am a dominant female and typically I prefer to be a sadist. He is quite submissive. But I thought it would be nice to see if he had it in him.

 

Your posts are quite confusing. In your first post you say don't judge you because your husband is physically and emotionally abusive.

 

Then you say that you abused him (screwdriver incident)

 

Then you say you're only with him for money.

 

Then you say you're a dominant woman.

 

Just confused here about all this?

 

If your MM was a stand up guy, he'd leave, not have an affair just leave.

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So you and your husband are actually both abusive, plus you use people for money. You and your MM are both serial cheaters so apparently you both think cheating and lying are okay. Sounds like it should be a match made in heaven but it probably won't work out due to the lack of integrity you both have.

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I find it a little offensive to paint me as a victim. Tjr last fight my husband was provoking me and I hit him with a screwdriver and he needed stitches. I have stayed with him because I like his money....not that I am afraid to leave. I also own several guns....so let him try.

 

Well, that just makes it even more offensive. You are both abusive and you admit that you put your well being and safety at risk everyday because you like his money. Nice.

 

I have no patience for a man who doesn't have the courage to tell his wife that he wants a divorce and file the papers. Encouraging you to drop him off on his doorstep with the hope that she will find out and kick him out is cowardly...

 

And of course, the other big red flag is that he suffers from depression. Is suppose you will learn soon enough if his depression is situational related to his unhappy marriage or if it will become more of a challenge for your relationship.

 

I do hope that you find happiness because nobody deserves to live in an abusive relationship. But, it would seem that you have a long way to go to get to a healthy and happy relationship...

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Darren Steez
Before you judge just hear me out.

 

My husband has physically and mentally abused me for years. Recently, I met a man who is a fireman after my mother's home caught fire. A few weeks later he contacted me and asked how she was. We started talking about some things and found out we have a lot in common. A month went by and he told me he was married but unhappy and had depression for years. He said for the first time in about 3 years I aroused him.

 

It has been three months and I believe I love him. He told me he had fallen for me about a month ago. He mentioned we have a lot of changes to think about soon. He has a 25 year old child so no kids are involved. I have read men rarely leave for a mistress. But I dont know if I am his side chick and he is my side dude considering. I am 16 years younger than him but I love it. I am in my 30's so I am an actual mature woman.

 

All I know is he has had me in his home several times and I have dropped him off at his doorstep with the wife home. He said he did not care if she seen it. He mentioned to me he wants to get caught so he can just be out with it and get kicked out. He comes to my home when my husband is away for work trips.

 

Is this typical cheater behavior for a man who does not plan to leave. He has also told his co workers and friends about me. And he wanted to meet my mother. He did. And she likes him. Ahe also lnows what is going on and is just glad I am happy.

 

I feel safe. I have his number in case my husband abuses me again and he said he would be there and help. I am divorcing anyway but I am waiting on my raise to hit.

 

Depression is not something that can be cured by being "aroused". it's a black cloud that is over you, something you constantly fight, the fact this guy who's a fireman and regularly meets people from traumatic situations because while it's ok to check up on people, it seems strange that knowing you were married he would then pursue something.

 

Nevertheless if your husband is abusing you is what you're doing to the OM's wife fair? But more importantly if your husband was abusing you, why on earth would you bring your lover to your house?

 

He's met your mom, but have you met his?

Have you talked to his wife?

Have you met the family, friends and co-workers?

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He told me about two years after marriage he just stopped liking her and he has had 2 affairs over a ten year span. I had an affair for two years prior but he was single.

 

Sounds like a great guy. What if he just "stops liking" YOU once all the hormones die down?

 

As a former cheater, let me provide a translation for you:

 

I had two affairs over a ten year span = I haven't been able to keep my pants on basically since the ink dried on my wedding certificate.

 

Sorry to be cynical, but not only have I been a cheater, but I also know that some firemen (not all) have quite a reputation as womanisers.

 

Good luck and keep posting. X

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I was feeling that I understood where you wetter coming from, then your next post was so different.

 

You actually seem like a user and abuser too. It's like you flipped a switch and became someone else.

 

You have a serial cheating fireman, who hasn't got the guts to tell his wife he wants out.... And maybe after 2 affairs and being mistreated you'd sound just like his wife too.

 

You both need to sort yourselves out.

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This sounds like the next episode of Jerry Springer.

 

Very dysfunctional,. I just hope Thier are no small children involved. None of you sound like stable suitable partners .

 

I don't know any of you, but I know human behavior, your behavior is not that of an abused woman, it's more that of an abusive woman. Maybe at the very least you and your husband are on equal footing in that area. But more likely it's you since many of if not all the aspects of the Marriage you documented here sounds like you are abusive in about every way one can be.

 

Sorry but I smell a major case of transference here.

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SweetBabe83
This sounds like the next episode of Jerry Springer.

 

Very dysfunctional,. I just hope Thier are no small children involved. None of you sound like stable suitable partners .

 

I don't know any of you, but I know human behavior, your behavior is not that of an abused woman, it's more that of an abusive woman. Maybe at the very least you and your husband are on equal footing in that area. But more likely it's you since many of if not all the aspects of the Marriage you documented here sounds like you are abusive in about every way one can be.

 

Sorry but I smell a major case of transference here.

He started the abuse...I just refuse to take it. Call me abusivr if you want.

 

I am bipolar and have PTSD and OCD so I understand depression. I also understand how no or low sex drive goes with it.

 

I dont hope his wife leaves. If she did I would just see him. When I divorce I plan to see many men if he is still married. I told him that too. He said he wants to leave. I think he is waiting to see if I leave because he is a jumper. My friend did the same. Would not leave her husband until her new boyfriend was able to move her in.

 

I am not interested in meeting his wife. That is crazy. I have no business meeting her.

 

Yes firemen have a reputation for being serial cheaters and abusive. But so are other men. I have a feeling I cannot be faithful myself....to anyone. So I can understand cheating.

 

Also....for me...it depends on money. If the wife takes more money and makes him havw less than my current husband that won't work. I won't take a dip in living conditions.

 

Probably would not work out....definitely no marriage in my future. But I would be willing to live together. I already have a place of my own somewhere else...so I have no issue livinf in a home not owned by me.

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He started the abuse...I just refuse to take it. Call me abusivr if you want.

 

I am bipolar and have PTSD and OCD so I understand depression. I also understand how no or low sex drive goes with it.

 

I dont hope his wife leaves. If she did I would just see him. When I divorce I plan to see many men if he is still married. I told him that too. He said he wants to leave. I think he is waiting to see if I leave because he is a jumper. My friend did the same. Would not leave her husband until her new boyfriend was able to move her in.

 

I am not interested in meeting his wife. That is crazy. I have no business meeting her.

 

Yes firemen have a reputation for being serial cheaters and abusive. But so are other men. I have a feeling I cannot be faithful myself....to anyone. So I can understand cheating.

 

Also....for me...it depends on money. If the wife takes more money and makes him havw less than my current husband that won't work. I won't take a dip in living conditions.

 

Probably would not work out....definitely no marriage in my future. But I would be willing to live together. I already have a place of my own somewhere else...so I have no issue livinf in a home not owned by me.

 

Well.... umm..I got nothing. At least you are honest

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I find it a little offensive to paint me as a victim. Tjr last fight my husband was provoking me and I hit him with a screwdriver and he needed stitches. I have stayed with him because I like his money....not that I am afraid to leave. I also own several guns....so let him try.

 

 

I really do not think my boyfriend id abusive. I stood him up twice on purpose and he communicated with me perfectly. Also, I asked him to do some sadist sex acts on me and he was afraid of hurting me.

 

I have heard his wife on the phone in the background. She is really nasty.

 

We bonded because we both feel like we live in the same situation. I have also asked some close friends if they know him. He has been a fireman foe 12 years. All say he is a good guy and all know of his wife being kind of overbearing.

 

Based on this, YOU are the abuser, and I would advise your OM to walk away from you if he were here.

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SweetBabe83
Based on this, YOU are the abuser, and I would advise your OM to walk away from you if he were here.

 

Except for the fact that my husband has abused me and he has been arrested for it once. So....he IS abusive.

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RecentChange
Except for the fact that my husband has abused me and he has been arrested for it once. So....he IS abusive.

 

And you CHOOSE to stay for money.

 

That's all on you know. You choose to stay with a man who is abusive.

 

He's abusive because you allow him to be by staying.

 

Don't like it? Leave

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Except for the fact that my husband has abused me and he has been arrested for it once. So....he IS abusive.

 

Ever heard of the old saying... Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

You can point your finger at him all you want... you are both abusive. If he hurts you, the thing to do is call the police and leave the relationship.

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You sound a bit off balance OP. I would concentrate on your mental health and get to a stable place before pursuing a relationship.

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My mental health is fine.

 

I am just going to ghost him. Basically I have been sleeping with him when his wife was at work.....in their house. But I really do not feel any connection. We both find it funny though to sleep in the bed she sleeps in.

Since I really do not care for him I dont want him to get caught and kicked out.

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