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A MM's story - really resonated with me


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 29th July 2017, 4:52 PM   #31
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Even though he says his kids are his life and to have joint custody would be like giving up half of himself and he would be miserable? If someone derives all they need from their kids then couldn't that be a valid reason to stay? Especially if he doesn't love me any more than his W.

He does also love his W too. He's told me that. I love you and I love her.
If he loves his kids, he wouldn't be doing something that will put their mother at risk, as when he hurts her, he hurts them.
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Old 29th July 2017, 5:29 PM   #32
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somanymistakes - you helped me before, enormously, with one of your posts. You said to me, when pondering why WSs risk it all for an A and you said "I don't think they really think about how much they're risking with their spouses and children. "I like vanilla, but why shouldn't I have chocolate too? It's not going to make me love vanilla any less."

I repeated your ice-cream analogy to him. He said "using your ice-cream analogy I always had vanilla and then one day chocolate got thrown in and since then I couldn't imagine not having chocolate and vanilla".

So I know he wants us both. But then he says "well I wouldn't be with her if we didn't have the kids, we're very different people now". Just so confused. He just seems confused to me. His only certainty is he wants to stay so he doesn't have to share his kids, the rest is always so contradictory.
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Old 29th July 2017, 5:37 PM   #33
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So I know he wants us both. But then he says "well I wouldn't be with her if we didn't have the kids, we're very different people now". Just so confused. He just seems confused to me. His only certainty is he wants to stay so he doesn't have to share his kids, the rest is always so contradictory.
He's not confused at all.
He just told you what he wants.
He wants to stay with his wife
He HAS kids, so it is a moot point that he wouldn't be with her if it wasn't for the kids.
YOU do not want to hear that he wants to stay with her, so you are making up the "confused" excuse for why he is not with you.
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Old 29th July 2017, 5:41 PM   #34
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Yes, I know he does. Even if he loves me the same - it's irrelevant. His actions aren't confused. He's where he wants to be. He'll probably stay there. He tells me he's a bad husband. I can't disagree.
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Old 29th July 2017, 6:25 PM   #35
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No, you can't disagree.
He is a bad husband to her. And, he would be a bad husband to you.
You need to start looking for someone who would make a good husband, for you. And a good father, for your child.
Please, don't waste another day on this man - he is truly not worth your time or attention.
Best wishes.

Last edited by BaileyB; 29th July 2017 at 6:31 PM..
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Old 29th July 2017, 6:55 PM   #36
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"One day, chocolate got thrown in..." like it was just a happy accident.

OMG - this just makes me laugh. This guy is something else...

I can't imagine telling my husband "I like vanilla, but why shouldn't I have chocolate too. I can't imagine not having both - chocolate and vanilla." That is such an entitled and arrogant statement to make - it's actually unbelievable to me that someone could feel that way.
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Old 29th July 2017, 7:33 PM   #37
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Yes, I know he does. Even if he loves me the same - it's irrelevant. His actions aren't confused. He's where he wants to be. He'll probably stay there. He tells me he's a bad husband. I can't disagree.
Well, I guessing if you got real honest with yourself, you know his actions are not at all confusing. The confusion comes because you desire his words above his actions. He isn't confused or confusing you are doing that all to yourself.
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Old 29th July 2017, 8:10 PM   #38
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Serendipity,

You seem to see him as this poor conflicted guy. But remember, he is the guy who has been cheating on the woman he CHOSE to marry a year ago, a woman he already had a baby with, he chose to have sex with to get her pregnant again. And while she has been growing a baby inside her, having her body change, her emotions all over the place, he has been playing on the side with you. He lets her take care of his child (the one in utero and the one already born), take care of the house, etc while he goes off and texts you or has sex with you.

She just pushed a human out of her body and he is telling you how he loves you, all the while leaving her to take care of a newborn AND a toddler. This guy doesn't love his kids above all else - cause if he did, he wouldn't have TIME FOR YOU. He would be too busy helping with the house chores, he would be TAKING CARE OF HIS CHILDREN. But, hes not doing that...he's off telling you how much he "loves you". And i would bet a paycheck at night, when he finally does go home after remembering his WIFE just gave birth to a child, he looks at her while she is nursing/feeding their child and tells her how much he loves her - she has given him 2 children and he married her before the 2nd child was even created. He didn't have to get married - there are no laws or rules that say he had to marry her. He made a CHOICE to marry her and to get her pregnant again - to expand their family.

Yet he has you all a glitter with 'love' cause he he took time away from the kids, he proclaims to love so much, to talk to you, have sex with you, confide in you, or whatever he chose to do instead of taking care of his children so his wife could get some sleep.

Yeah, he's a winner. I hope his wife finds out, kicks him out, gets all the alimony and child support she possibly can and finds another man who wants JUST HER and wants to be a 'dad' to their kids since he can't be bothered to do it
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Old 30th July 2017, 3:57 AM   #39
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Grammie - your post hit me hard. I know he chooses her and chose her (got married, has had another baby with her...on that he very recently said to be (after I said he has all he wants) "I have a wife, but I never said to you that's what I wanted. I said I wanted kids. I wanted a wife before we started". I don't know what he means but it is crazy talk as no-one forced him to marry).

I have no doubt he tells her how much he loves her - he's told me "I love her, I love you, I don't deny it".

In my rational mind is see him for what he is, the selfish (yet brutally honest with me at least - he tells me he loves us both the same, and also tells me how hard it is being with me) user of me and her. It's hard to admit he's not conflicted or confused but just fundamentally selfish. I'm seeing it more and more. He's happy because he's doing what he wants, getting all he wants. He's got a new baby (what he wants), a family/wife (what he wants), me (what he wants)...but he doesn't want to be a full-time husband because that doesn't make him happy so that's why he's not focussed fully on his family (when he has a newborn and a wife recovering from a c-section and a toddler).

He must justify it to himself because he says "i know I'm a bad husband but I am a great father because I'm there for my kids, providing, giving them what they need". He actually called me few days ago, on loudspeaker, with his older child in the back of the car. He'd just told me how the older child now has just started recounting things that have happened when out with him back to his mother who's at home. He was talking to me and was talking about us, in front of his son. Who apparently reports back to his mother. As soon as I realised the child could hear and possibly understand I said it wasn't appropriate and ended the call - but it was like it hadn't dawned on him, the risk.

For any WSs reading, when your As ended did it make you work on your marriage and did you become better spouses as a result or were just unhappily married? I wonder if I wasn't around in his life he'd be forced to be a better, full-time husband and father because he wouldn't have anywhere else to go.


I know we both deserve better (W and me) but she's in a state of blissful ignorance. At least I have choices. Maybe that's better (for her to be in the dark) but I do sometimes think "I wish she would find out somehow" so she could make informed choices about her life and so he's exposed for who he really is. As I'm already a cuckoo in her nest it seems like a new level of cruel to shatter her illusions but I do sometimes think it would be better long-term if somehow it all came to light.
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Old 30th July 2017, 4:18 AM   #40
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Just in the interest of balance and for your views...his new baby is a week old and although I've heard from him (many texts/call) every day and he's asked to see me this past week - he did say he'd only be able to spare a few hours for lunch/dinner/coffee. He also said, for the short term at least, to see me I'd have to come closer to his home (we've always met at times and places convenient/close to me because I too have a young child). So, he is putting his children first in that regard i.e. he wants to be there for them at this time when they really need him to be I suppose. He's careful not to take time away from them to see me. He's always said he loves them above all else. He's also asked me if I could bear spending time with his family and W, so he could see me more and be more of a "physical presence in his life".

I should add I have refused to meet him and obviously won't be hanging out with the W.
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Old 30th July 2017, 4:40 AM   #41
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I do sometimes think "I wish she would find out somehow".
Of course you do, but not for some high minded reason about her choices it is about you getting out of this limbo.

If she finds out, he shuts you out of his life completely to repair his marriage and so you have no choice but to move on...
OR she finds out takes herself and the kids out of his life, and you swoop in to take the spoils...
YOU get out of limbo without having to make any decisions, they will be made for you and that I guess is what you want.

BUT he may just accept reconciliation and still reach out to you and you are then back to stage one...
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Old 30th July 2017, 4:57 AM   #42
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..his new baby is a week old
Don't you feel the least bit yucky doing this to his wife?
She is experiencing some of the most important, memorable and best days of her life. It is all about love, celebration, joy, innocence and purity of the newborn, but her utter heel of a husband is setting up "dates" with his OW..

Not only that he now wants you to befriend his wife and family so he can have both of you in one place...
Can you not see how horrible this man truly is?

I guess this is the perfect time for you to exit stage left.
There is nothing but heartache in line for you here.
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Old 30th July 2017, 5:10 AM   #43
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Originally Posted by Serendipity55;7377582"

I repeated your ice-cream analogy to him. He said "using your ice-cream analogy I always had vanilla and then one day chocolate got thrown in and since then I couldn't imagine not having chocolate and vanilla".
When your value as a human being is reduced to an ice cream flavour.

So long as you perceive yourself to wallow in weakness and compare yourself in analogy to an ice cream flavour while your life drifts by, fair play.
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Old 30th July 2017, 5:19 AM   #44
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Yes, I do. Of course I do. I'm not without conscience.

I appreciate the honesty but I am also looking for support and not judgment. I don't know his W and my primary concern is my daughter and myself - doing what I need to do to not spiral and feel out of control and that's writing on here so I keep focussed on how the A is damaging primarily for me and my loved ones. I know I'm not a victim, I chose to have poor boundaries but although she's innocent she also doesn't know so all feels OK and normal in her world. Whereas in mine, whether I am the architect of my own pain or not, everything is not good and I am struggling with the sense of disappointment and rejection. Justified or not, I am where I am.

I am not meeting up with him and I am not giving him what he wants (to be back together). I am engaging with him but I'm not giving into him.

I would add from my own personal experience that having a newborn baby isn't the best days of your life. That's a romanticised view of it in my opinion. They're incredibly hard and I found it a very difficult and painful (physically) time. I was just trying to get through it to be honest. But hopefully that's not everyones experience.
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Old 30th July 2017, 5:27 AM   #45
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I would add from my own personal experience that having a newborn baby isn't the best days of your life. That's a romanticised view of it in my opinion. They're incredibly hard and I found it a very difficult and painful (physically) time. I was just trying to get through it to be honest. But hopefully that's not everyones experience.
NO judgement from me, just trying to make you see how it looks to an outsider.

The fact you found it incredibly hard with a newborn is that not even more reason that she needs the support of a good man, not some guy who is setting up coffee dates with his OW...
Is that truly the kind of a man you would want to have a long term future with and expose your daughter to?
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