Sleepless in Stasis AP/OW

[Ren2108]

IDK quite where to start. I feel like I've been through everything that anyone has experienced and then some in this affair hell. I've been heavily involved for about 2 years now. Slightly over a year ago is when my H broke to me the news that he found us out.

 

He was certain of divorce then but I was literally blindsided. He has house picked out and we've been living semi separately. Kids don't know about his house, leaves after they go to bed, etc. Anyways, last summer was hell. AP and I have been completely selfish and totally in love and invested about the same. I have 3 kids age 39, He has 5 age 41. A slight twist to this story was he was a member of clergy during our get to know each other phase and beyond.

 

Last summer I fought like hell for him to not give up on us. I feel like I missed my opportunity to have a much cleaner mentally healthy break up. We secretly dated and saw each other when we could. He lost a job over our relationship, his membership to his church, etc. We've broke up and gotten back in contact numerous times. Last August his wife gave him an ultimatum for complete NC or get out of house.

 

He left and has been living in his own place for almost a year now waiting on me. He was fully expecting me to leave when he did. I feel like last summer did so much emotional damage to me because he gave me cold feet and was so unsure that I felt used. Needless to say he came around and worked up courage to formally separate and I didn't. He's been mad at me this past year almost. Lots of temporary breakups from my lack of change.

 

The times we've been apart it has felt like death. Physical pain. This affair feels like the worst of the worst. Very emotionally attached The latest is the wife gave him another unmet ultimatum. NC or she's filing for D. So she is. In my heart of hearts, I don't think I could do that to my kids. AP has been been a BF for years now. It's literally like choosing to kill someone and I truly think death of that person would be easier then them floating around.

 

I don't want to be a martyr and neither does my H want me to be. Right now that's what it feels like. My H didn't do anything really wrong and he's a well rounded stand up guy.

Divorce scares crap out of me and I know H is lost his patience with me and I am on last straw.

 

AP lost his mom at 1 who left her kids for another guy out of state and never contacted them again. He lost his dad to suicide at age 14. I connected with him and he emotionally attached to me like he never has before. Ive had a ton of compassion for him.

 

How the hell would I get over ditching someone who gave up everything to be with me? Albeit bad circumstances. I fear being effed up in either scenario. Been stuck in stasis. Paralyzed with fears.

Edited July 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[l8estnews]

Well, I am not sure if how much we can still help since technically, you are already at the "latter" part of the situation. Everything blew up already. You really now have to make a choice.

 

Hate to break this to you, girl, but don't you think it's too late for you to become indecisive now? You really have to make up your mind. You are stringing both guys along.

[BaileyB]

It's almost too late now... You husband has his own place and I wonder if he would even take you back. If you "weren't prepared to do that to your kids," maybe you shouldn't have been "completely selfish and totally in love and invested" with another man at the same time.

 

Either way I think you are screwed... And I can't say that I have much compassion because you have done this to yourself. The thing is,my our husband and your kids will pay the price for your selfishness and indecision.

[zanwalk]

You are in a very difficult place, I can see that, and if you allow this situation to continue you may find both men have given up on you and you would be plunged into more misery. It really is time to be decisive however hard that may be.

 

You have not only yourself and your feelings to consider, but you have two children whose welfare must be taken into account. Your husband sounds like a good man and I'm sure he doesn't want the family to split up. Your AP has given up his family to be with you, that is his decision and his responsibility, not yours. I would urge you to talk to your husband and try and work out where to go from here before it is too late.

 

You are afraid of hurting people, unfortunately everyone including yourself is suffering massively over this indecision of yours. I do feel for you as I believe you have the best intentions towards all, but don't put off resolving this issue once and for all before it has even greater consequences. You owe it to your children and husband to act now.

 

Keep posting here and we will try and help you through this.

[BluesPower]

Time to put your big girl panties on...

 

I do wish you would have posted before you blew your life up.

 

You have to make a decision. If you do not love your husband, for gods sake let him go.

 

Some people think that having an affair is the worst thing you can do to someone and it really, really is a horrible thing to do. But you know what the worst thing you can do to someone is? Stringing them along for your selfish comfort. I have lived both of them and I know. So if you ever loved or cared for your husband and you don't anymore, please let him go.

 

The other side of that is that he may not want you and I would not blame him at all, so you may not have a choice.

 

Then you are left with your AP that you "Love" so at least you have that...

 

Here is the deal, you need to "Man Up", so to speak, and make a decision and you need to do it quick, or you will lose everything and everyone.

 

Of course, you never thought about any of these consequences before you decided to have an affair, no one does.

 

I really feel sorry for your family...Good luck.

[Bufo]

Should your H begin posting at a similar site or this one the first advice he is going to get is to look into your behavior for signs of remorse. I see regret in your post but not remorse. I'm quite sure he isn't much interested in being Plan B in your life.

 

Do you feel remorse for what you have done to him with this long term A?

Do you feel remorse for what you have done to your family?

There is no way for him to forgive without remorse, and no way he will ever forget. You can't expect t to return to your pre A marriage.

 

Are you in IC? To learn how you could fall so long and hard for OM?

Your post understandably centers on you with OM coming in second place. And BH coming in third. That isn't a firm basis for R.

 

You really need to figure out what you want the rest of your life to be and communicate that to BH and OM.

Edited July 18, 2017 by Bufo
Darned auto correct!

[sandylee1]

So is is your husband waiting for you to make up your mind or is he done?

 

My view ... go to your OM. You love him and your husband can find someone else to be happy with.

 

You only get one life and the false pretences towards the kids can stop.

[Ren2108]

I've read a ton of posts on this forum and another. Everyone feels the need to point out that obvious like we don't know it. Yes, we are a POS. People don't need to berate everyone. If we didn't think we were a POS we'd be a sociopath. Yes I have been to IC. She told me to fight for marriage at first. Said her job is to prevent D but she fully understands situation. "It's tough." I've been told it's one of the most unique cases she's seen. AP's IC too. Too much detai to type in 2 years obvi. Yes, he was waiting for a change but he never fully got one. He thinks I'm still testing. Not completely thrown AP under the bus. Like someone else said yes- fear of hurting people 100%. Yes I know I shouldn't be here if that's the cAse.

 

AP is not without flaws. I think he's manipulative and selfish. He wants to do this solo trip and not talk to a soul for a week. He gave me this ultimatum at end of May that didn't work. He has little hope for me getting the balls to be with him. I said if you are going on this Mime trip to go pray me away and get comfort or something then I'm not sexing you up while I wait for you to just go have a luxurious trip by self.

 

He immediately flipped out. Wanted to end it immediately. He acts a like child sometimes. "If I can't give full love, then no love." I didn't exactly say F off. I said that makes me too emotional.

 

Anyways- just a rant.

[sandylee1]

The fact is that nobody is without fault or flaws, but I would think very carefully about choosing a manipulative selfish man.

 

That's not to say you should stay married. The fact that you choose to have an affair is an indication that you don't love your husband enough not to be unfaithful to him.

 

In much of what you've said, your primary consideration seems to be your children, not that you are torn between the love of two men.

 

So the kind thing is to let your husband go fully.

 

I'm sure you wouldn't want a son of yours to ever be in your husband's position.

[goodyblue]

I am trying to figure out what it is Bout the OM that you don't want/like?

 

You don't want your husband, but won't let him go, you don't want your OM but are claws deep holding on. No judgement here, I was OW many moons ago, I just don't understand why you are struggling.

 

Don't you feel that you are doing your husband a disservice by not letting him go so that he can find love with someone who really wants him? And the OM? He has been waiting and you... just are afraid?

 

I don't see how that is fair to anyone e including you and your kids. The kids need stability, and this situation can't possibly provide that.

 

WhAt do you really want?

Edited July 19, 2017 by goodyblue

[sandylee1]

 

I Yes I have been to IC. She told me to fight for marriage at first. Said her job is to prevent D but she fully understands situation.

 

Anyways- just a rant.

 

Something about this is a bit off IMO.

 

The therapist's job should be guiding you, with what you want to do, not preventing divorce, especially as an IC and not MC.

 

Also fighting for the marriage that you caused to breakdown, is also not the thing a therapist should be saying to a client, who isn't exactly declaring undying love for her husband.

 

The fighting is done by a remorseful cheater, not one who is still somewhat hooked on the OM.

 

Did you tell the therapist you wanted to save the marriage and commit to it? Because if not, I totally disagree with her advice..... And one of the guidelines of therapy, is not telling the client what to do.

[elaine567]

The problem here is that, neither man is sufficient for the OP, she is torn because she knows neither can give her what she wants.

 

Yes she can go back to the husband and the kids, but that would entail a lot of work, a lot of unhappiness and back to the boredom that made her seek out someone else, with the added bonus of both having to get over the affair too...

 

Unfortunately the OM is not that great a prospect either, hence the limbo.

He has just cheated on his wife and deserted his 5 kids, he is now unemployed and by the OPs own admission is "manipulative and selfish".

Great OM material, but not I guess someone to take seriously and wander off into the sunset with.

 

A dilemma.

 

The sensible thing would be to chose neither, and the longer that this situation goes on the more likely that will be the outcome, but not through an active choice by the OP. Both men will get fed up waiting and start moving on with their own lives.

[amomwhoknows]

I am all about logistic type questions for you.

 

first, you likely owe it to your husband to divorce. Frankly, he has been amazingly patient, but given the depth you have invested with this guy, I don't think your marriage can recover.

 

Second, you sound like a big ole mess. Are you able to effectively parent? Are you working? Prepared to support your kids financially, possibly with child support, maybe not, depending on custody arrangement. It is time for you to get yourself together.

 

Third, he sounds like he will most likely be a crummy long term partner. Is he in therapy to address his childhood issues? Is he actively parenting or has he walked away from his kids? Given his childhood issues, he may be likely to repeat the cycles he was exposed to.

 

Finally, given that he lost his profession (presuming that it was his main income source) how is planning to support hmself and his kids? This is often a huge issue for people who leave the clergy for reasons that aren't particularly negative. It is a bigger issue for those who leave for dishonorable reasons. What does this mean for you financially should you end up together?

[Ren2108]

His job loss was last year and found another one shortly after. The clergy thing wasn't a paid gig and totally separate. Yes he's in continued IC. Since school has been out I haven't been. Complicated as mine only has day hours. He and I both effectively parent. My H travels a lot and I do much for them. AP always around to help his W with their kids as well.

 

The kids scare me for sure. My H says he has same fears too about them too. Also- the shame and humiliation of this and everyone knowing is scary too. My parents would kill me.

 

Therapist didn't tell me what to do persay. She mentioned she'd hate to see me go down that road because it's so hard. She said one thing for sure is either option it's going to suck A$$ for a year. D and reconciliation because I also have to grieve loss of someone. It's all made me depressed for sure.

 

I don't hate H. I do have love for him. Albeit it's difficult right now. I just don't know how to act around him. He mentioned he was finally going to IC.

[BluesPower]

Look...I get it, you are at a crossroads. OK.

 

Let's look at some things:

 

1) Is your husband even willing to take you back? And why would he?

 

2) Do you want to go back to your husband?

 

3) You don't hate H, well that is good. You have some love for him, what does that even mean.

 

4) Where exactly is the OM living and is he divorced?

 

5) If you decided to go back to H, and he took you back, could you stay away from OM?

 

I am not dogging you in any way. But I have to know, do you have any idea how much you have hurt your husband? Any at all?

 

I can't tell from your posts if your husband is weak to even be talking to you at all, strong for moving out, weak for not already divorcing you, or maybe if he cares at all????

 

Your indecision is hurting so many people in so many ways.

 

What is it going to take to get your head together?

[Ren2108]

I think both of our fears (H and I) are staying for kids and not to upset lifestyle. Just the other day he met a guy divorcing after 5 years since his W's affair. Thought he could hang on but couldn't. Probably more to that story.

 

OF course I am emotionally attached to AP. Otherwise this wouldn't have ever happened. Anyone with any experience of staying at it getting better overtime? It feels like choosing to kill someone off. It's unnatural. With H of course it'd be sad too but they aren't dead. Attached for life. AP's it is a death. I feel it's worse because they aren't actually dead!

 

Horrible situation and I'd tell anyone never get themselves entangled whilst mairried. EVer.

[DKT3]

I think both of our fears (H and I) are staying for kids and not to upset lifestyle. Just the other day he met a guy divorcing after 5 years since his W's affair. Thought he could hang on but couldn't. Probably more to that story.

 

OF course I am emotionally attached to AP. Otherwise this wouldn't have ever happened. Anyone with any experience of staying at it getting better overtime? It feels like choosing to kill someone off. It's unnatural. With H of course it'd be sad too but they aren't dead. Attached for life. AP's it is a death. I feel it's worse because they aren't actually dead!

 

Horrible situation and I'd tell anyone never get themselves entangled whilst mairried. EVer.

 

But isn't that something you should not have to experience to understand? Getting involved while married.

[Ren2108]

#Duh

 

No one operating with all faculties plans one. I've been married 20 years. Became friends with him. He was jealous and manipulated me to think the H wasn't good enough for me.

 

Got desperate enough to contact a tarot reader. Actually said both of their cards to damn close too call. Good grief. Advised to keep it status quo and I will have answers by end of year. Wth?! But he said personally he sees me staying in marriage. No passion right now but there's love and stability. I'd of rather been told to run for the hills one way or other. Figures :/ Stump a psychic.

[Kjrrg]

It comes down to this; if you loved AP enough you would do what it takes to be with him. I am not saying you should do that or anything else. I am just reminding you of the cold fact of it all. That is what would happen.

[BluesPower]

#Duh

 

No one operating with all faculties plans one. I've been married 20 years. Became friends with him. He was jealous and manipulated me to think the H wasn't good enough for me.

 

Look, here is where your thinking is completely wrong...

 

I guess it just takes a while for people to wake up. I won't expect a response since you have not answered too many questions directly.

 

The part in bold shows that even now you refuse to take responsibility for your actions.

 

"He was jealous and manipulated me to think the H wasn't good enough for me."

 

Sugar, that is complete horse hockey. "YOU ALLOWED THAT", so why don't you admit it to your husband and most importantly to yourself.

 

You were bored with your husband, your marriage, and your life. YOU became friends with OM. You wanted some excitement, and you wanted some strange. That is the size of it.

 

Frankly I don't think you or your OM are self aware or emotionally mature enough to have a real relationship and make it work.

 

On the other hand, If I was your husband I would not take you back in a second.

 

Oh, and one more thing. You may not admit it to yourself and your OM may not ever breath a word of it to you... But when he started, all he wanted was some strange. Yeah, he caught feelings or just figured that he would rather screw you than his wife.

 

But make no mistake, that is what he initially wanted.

 

So you have managed to blow up everyone's life for a guy that, regardless of what he says, probably is not really that in love with you and with whom you more than likely won't be able to have a real relationship with in the long run.

 

And PLEASE, before you send the obligatory "How do you know so much smarty pants?"... Take a guess how I might know so much...

[whichwayisup]

#Duh

 

No one operating with all faculties plans one. I've been married 20 years. Became friends with him. He was jealous and manipulated me to think the H wasn't good enough for me.

 

Got desperate enough to contact a tarot reader. Actually said both of their cards to damn close too call. Good grief. Advised to keep it status quo and I will have answers by end of year. Wth?! But he said personally he sees me staying in marriage. No passion right now but there's love and stability. I'd of rather been told to run for the hills one way or other. Figures :/ Stump a psychic.

 

You're broken. To let a man or anybody outside of your marriage destroy the love you had for your husband and make you doubt him isn't a good person. Your affair partner is scum and yes he manipulated you but you totally feel for it all and detached from your husband because of it. The grass isn't greener... And you need to own your part in this and not put all the blame on the OM/MM.

 

What a mess. I hope you can get yourself into counseling and figure out what it is you want. the sooner the better. Also your kids aren't stupid, they know something is off and isn't the same.

 

Maybe divorcing your husband and being alone on you own with NO man in your life for a while would be a good thing. You and your husband can be the best co parents to your kids and be on friendly terms.

[jenkins95]

I think both of our fears (H and I) are staying for kids and not to upset lifestyle. Just the other day he met a guy divorcing after 5 years since his W's affair. Thought he could hang on but couldn't. Probably more to that story.

 

OF course I am emotionally attached to AP. Otherwise this wouldn't have ever happened. Anyone with any experience of staying at it getting better overtime? It feels like choosing to kill someone off. It's unnatural. With H of course it'd be sad too but they aren't dead. Attached for life. AP's it is a death. I feel it's worse because they aren't actually dead!

 

Horrible situation and I'd tell anyone never get themselves entangled whilst mairried. EVer.

 

I've been where you are Ren and please know that it does get better!

 

Don't feed the adiction and it will eventually die. I missed my OW a lot, but there was no way we could have stayed in contact once I had a D-day and then chose my marriage. It would have been such an insult to my damaged marriage and it would also have stopped either AP moving on. I still think of her sometimes and I wish her nothing but the best. I will never be indifferent about her, but thinking about her is no longer painful any more. She is a great girl who, like me, made some very bad, selfish decisions. We were equally to blame and I hope we equally recover. She may be "dead" to me, but I know she's out there in the world somewhere and I truly hope she learned from the experience and is now having a great life. No bitterness at all and I even have residual affection for her. I hope she occassionally thinks back with a smile too sometimes even though it was such a bad thing to do.

 

Once you get past your attachment to the AP, you will be able to objectively assess whether you can really love your husband again. Don't rush it or give up too easily. Right now, you will probably feel very little for H because your head is all over the place and you are pining for a lost love, who you are heavily invested in. Don't hurry this, it takes months to even start to get past this. The bottom line is that you know this is wrong (hence you have chosen your marriage). If you do all the right actions, get counselling and stay determined, your mind and feelings will follow your actions.

 

If you end up divorcing, it will be SO much better for everyone if you divorce amicably having tried everything over many months to fix the marriage than simply to run off with the AP.

[jenkins95]

Look, here is where your thinking is completely wrong...

 

I guess it just takes a while for people to wake up. I won't expect a response since you have not answered too many questions directly.

 

The part in bold shows that even now you refuse to take responsibility for your actions.

 

"He was jealous and manipulated me to think the H wasn't good enough for me."

 

Sugar, that is complete horse hockey. "YOU ALLOWED THAT", so why don't you admit it to your husband and most importantly to yourself.

 

You were bored with your husband, your marriage, and your life. YOU became friends with OM. You wanted some excitement, and you wanted some strange. That is the size of it.

 

Frankly I don't think you or your OM are self aware or emotionally mature enough to have a real relationship and make it work.

 

On the other hand, If I was your husband I would not take you back in a second.

 

Oh, and one more thing. You may not admit it to yourself and your OM may not ever breath a word of it to you... But when he started, all he wanted was some strange. Yeah, he caught feelings or just figured that he would rather screw you than his wife.

 

But make no mistake, that is what he initially wanted.

 

So you have managed to blow up everyone's life for a guy that, regardless of what he says, probably is not really that in love with you and with whom you more than likely won't be able to have a real relationship with in the long run.

 

And PLEASE, before you send the obligatory "How do you know so much smarty pants?"... Take a guess how I might know so much...

 

Blues...

 

By the way, whenever I see your user name, the song "Steppin' Out", an early Clapton instrumental starts playing out in my head! I thank you for that - it's a great tune!

 

Anyway....! This is a great post. Now that I am almost two years out from my A, I see that you have described my own mindset just before and during my A very well in this post. Essentially, I was bored with my life and my marriage and wanted some strange...and then OW shows up fluttering her eyelashes at me!

 

Yes, I eventually caught feelings, got my head in a mess, had D-days and blew up several people's worlds...but the reason it started in the first place was as simple as you describe, and despite my twisted mind telling me otherwise, my marriage wasn't that bad and I never stopped loving my W (thankfully she gave me another chance).

 

You speak directly and to the point blues and you make a lot of sense. Sometimes, this kind of direct, no nonsense approach is exactly what we need to hear. Please keep them coming!

[jenkins95]

Horrible situation and I'd tell anyone never get themselves entangled whilst mairried. EVer.

And Ren, as a MM who was in an affair, I will totally echo this sentiment!

 

They are just not worth it. In exchange for what amounts (when you add together the time you actually get to spend together) to a few days excitement, ego kicks and hormone rushes, the damage they do is virtually incalculable.

 

The most stuipid, selfish thing I ever did by a million miles...and I've done a lot of stupid things

 

Good luck (((Ren))). You will be okay eventually. Kudos to you for coming here to thrash things out.

[Ren2108]

Like both IC's have said, "this one is for the books." We were friends first. Said I love you months before anything physical. I have no doubt of his intentions. His wife petitioned for divorce yesterday. It's horrid love story. One that takes bigger balls than I have! Out of my pay grade. I had no idea how twisted up my mind and heart would get.