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Saw my Ex-MM and broke NC


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lavenderblue

I could so do with some advice:-(

i am 33 and met my b/f james when i was 16.

after 8 years together, i had a one night stand with a friend and told james and broke up with him. After dating someone else for a couple of years i got back together with james and was completely committed and devoted to him.

However after a couple of years, i started feeling neglected...something was missing...i was unhappy but always felt james was my soulmate and i really wanted to think of a future with him...

This was 5y ago.....

i then met a guy, arthur at work...i was attracted and i knew he was too... i didn't know he was married...in any case i pursued him and he did not reject my advances..however before it became serious he told me he was married and had 2 kids..this didn't detract me and i kept demonstrating my interest in him..eventually we embarked on an affair...it was amazing...he was so giving..so caring...the sex was amazing....i knew i was falling in love but i also knew he was married and had never once said that he would leave his family for me.

i unfortunately couldnt give up arthur or james despite trying to walk away from arthur on many occasions, i kept going back to him.

 

As time progressed, my disastisfaction with james increased... he didn't want to marry me, he didn't want kids, he just wanted me to be there to support him, cook him meals, help tidy his house..i started feeling trapped. i asked arthur to run away with me but he said he could never do that because he couldnt desert his family. This situation kept on going for the past 5 years...finally my dissatisfaction with james led me to break up with him. i wanted to be happy again, i wanted to be taken care of, all my friends were married and had kids and i was never going to get that with james. i never told him about arthur but the split was friendly...james also felt that we were no longer compatible.

 

i asked arthur again... but he said he couldnt leave his family for me and he also knew that our relationship would not last if i broke up with james because he could only provide me with the things james couldnt provide me with and not all the things that james could provide me with

so 10 days ago (2 months after breaking up with james), i also broke up with arthur....

 

so in a couple of months, i have broken up with my b/f who i have known and been with for 17 years and my AP who i have been with for 5 years...needless to say i am feeling emotionally completely devastated.

 

i need to start dating again in the hope that i might meet a guy who could give me all the things that i crave (esp as my biological clock is ticking fast at 33) however my concerns are:

 

1) having experienced all the roller coaster emotions of an affair, will i be able to be happy in a new settled relationship? Are there any women here who have been in the same boat as me?

2) how long do you think i need before i can think of dating again

3) Is it likely that i will end up in another affair again?

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i need to start dating again in the hope that i might meet a guy who could give me all the things that i crave (esp as my biological clock is ticking fast at 33) however my concerns are:

 

1) having experienced all the roller coaster emotions of an affair, will i be able to be happy in a new settled relationship? Are there any women here who have been in the same boat as me?

2) how long do you think i need before i can think of dating again

3) Is it likely that i will end up in another affair again?

 

You have proven that you have no loyalty, that you will cheat, that you will break up a family with children, and you are mostly a taker than a giver...Speaking as a man, you are a very undesirable woman at this time; I do not care how good looking you maybe or how good you are with sex, your selfishness is too much right now to try and create love.

 

Your post has so many i,i,i and nothing that you are willing to offer to another man…RUN to every source that you can so that you can get your outlook and actions in life in much better order!...You can get better but you have to face the truth about yourself and take strong actions to change.

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You had a five year affair and never got caught. You've gotten away with it. So what you've learned is that if the going gets bad in a relationship, you can step out and have wild and crazy affair sex, and no one gets hurt. My question to you is: Why WOULDN'T you do it again?

 

At this point you are not a safe partner. You need therapy.

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Mrs. John Adams

what exactly are you looking for from Loveshack?

 

permission? criticism? advice?

 

You know in your soul what you want...you know your own situation better than we do...you know your own boundaries...

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hope you figure out a way to stop cheating.

 

You are prime for another A. No consequences.

 

Do not add kids into the mix.

 

try IC to figure some things out about why you are so selfish.

 

How would you feel if you did get married and your H had a five year affair on you?

 

Have you apologized to the wife of the man that you cheated with for five years?

 

Before you get into another relationship, get tested for stds.

 

also warn your future partners that you like to cheat.

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You have proven that you have no loyalty, that you will cheat, that you will break up a family with children, and you are mostly a taker than a giver...Speaking as a man, you are a very undesirable woman at this time; I do not care how good looking you maybe or how good you are with sex, your selfishness is too much right now to try and create love.

 

Your post has so many i,i,i and nothing that you are willing to offer to another man…RUN to every source that you can so that you can get your outlook and actions in life in much better order!...You can get better but you have to face the truth about yourself and take strong actions to change.

 

Please read this 10x

 

You don't need another man. You need to go to therapy and work on yourself so that when you do embark on another relationship....it will be a healthy one.

 

Love is about what you give to another person, not what you receive. You didn't love either of those men and they didn't love you either.

Edited by aileD
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As time progressed, my disastisfaction with james increased... he didn't want to marry me, he didn't want kids, he just wanted me to be there to support him, cook him meals, help tidy his house..i started feeling trapped.
He did not want to marry you or have children with you, because what you were giving him was not enough. He subconsciously knew that something was wrong. He sensed that you were not all in. Because of this, in his mind you were not good wife material. Here is the thing about you being in an affair. Although you think that you were getting away with something because James did not know about the affair, your affair negatively impacted your relationship with James, and how you treated him, such that he was dissatisfied and did not want to commit.

 

In trying to get James to marry you even though you were cheating on him, you were trying to play him the fool. Turns out he is not a fool, and now you are alone. So how did that whole cheating thing work out for you? Was it worth it?

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The title gave me the idea you were the cheated on one, oh boy was I wrong. Okay let me break this down for you.

 

1. Your best years are behind you. At 33 you're rapidly going into decline. This might sound harsh and many women hate to hear it. But for someone who has no children, you are 3 years over what is considered old for a first child. You squandered your best years, finding a husband who "can give YOU all YOU need" at this point might be very hard.

 

2. You're not a good prospect for a wife. Age where children is concerned is just one thing. You've also proven that you are a repeat cheater. Who will find excuses to step out.

 

3. You have at no point said what you are providing for a relationship that a man would even want to marry you and have children with you. Once again, your biological clock isn't ticking, it has run out. You are already in the age group where risks are sky rocketing and various issues are a concern.

 

You are way past your prime, you aren't faithful at all, you phrase the entire question in a way that makes it seem any prospective relationship would be extremely one sided etc.

 

 

 

You had your chance(s), you messed it up. From here on out it's only downhill.

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lavenderblue

thank you...i get that and i know that this is something that i will regret for the rest of my life

I specifically wanted to ask women who have been in my boat...how they found it when they went into new relationships...was it easy to forget the AP?

As you know from my story, i was in a 5 year affair with a MM whilst with my on-off boyfriend of 17 years. I broke up with my Bf after 7 continuous years together (5 of which were also with my AP)..i then became a single woman and my AP, Mr unavailable (as he wouldn't leave his wife - not that he had ever suggested that he would)...when i broke up with my AP, i did it by text and he wished me well and has never ever been in touch since. I am now alone...i am somewhat scared that i wont ever be happy again having experienced the intensity of the affair... i know i am a terrible person but i just need some advise from someone who has been in my shoes

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whichwayisup

Maybe being alone and on your own would be best for a while. Figure out who you are without any man in your life.

 

James and you are done, you cheated on him more than once and even though the love was there you two weren't compatible, your lives just weren't meshing together and it wasn't working.

 

You're not a terrible person, you just made some bad decisions that now have left you scarred. Therapy can help you find yourself again and be the woman you're meant to be. Rely on good women friends to help you through this and support you. Bond with friends with your friends, reconnect with people you may have neglected... Keep busy, find some new passion/hobby that will occupy your time and energy too.

 

Some day when you're ready and the timing is right a great (single) guy will be there and the past will be in the past.

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thank you...i get that and i know that this is something that i will regret for the rest of my life

I specifically wanted to ask women who have been in my boat...how they found it when they went into new relationships...was it easy to forget the AP?

As you know from my story, i was in a 5 year affair with a MM whilst with my on-off boyfriend of 17 years. I broke up with my Bf after 7 continuous years together (5 of which were also with my AP)..i then became a single woman and my AP, Mr unavailable (as he wouldn't leave his wife - not that he had ever suggested that he would)...when i broke up with my AP, i did it by text and he wished me well and has never ever been in touch since. I am now alone...i am somewhat scared that i wont ever be happy again having experienced the intensity of the affair... i know i am a terrible person but i just need some advise from someone who has been in my shoes

 

You may have better luck finding someone that can relate in the OW forum.

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Be alone for a while and get into therapy asap.

 

You need to become someone in whom a guy would want to invest emotionally. Yes, sex is important but it's feelings and emotions that make it long term. Looks fade but integrity , morals , trust , honesty, faith, loyalty ( heavy words !) make a person much more beautiful than anything in the world. That's where the real beauty lies.

 

If you want a child , adopt one. If you want a love relationship with a guy , become a safe partner first but do understand that your past will be a part of your life for a long time and it will be a deal breaker for many guys.

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You cheated through your whole life. Cheating is normal thing for you.

33 years old and acting like this. Dont go into another relationship and crush another man please.

Imagine if your friends knew about your cheating ways? They would not stay friends with you for sure.

 

Tell the other wife,she deservers to know.

Find yourself a good therapist.

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Look cheating is bad, but its "okay" if you find your not built for monogamy. Alot of people are not. LTR's and marriage are tough and work, and your going to be in the same position (down times, tempted) in any marriage.

 

You can have kids without being married, and you can even have kids in an open or poly relationships. People do it. There are sites for meeting people with similar views.

 

As someone who unknowingly end up and fell in love with a cheater/non monogamous woman (who none the less wanted a good stable man to marry and be a dad) I think you need to try therapy and also your going to have to be very honest with any man you get serious with about your past relationship challenges or desires.

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lavenderblue

I specifically wanted to ask women who have been in my boat...how they found it when they went into new relationships...was it easy to forget the AP?

As you know from my story, i was in a 5 year affair with a MM whilst with my on-off boyfriend of 17 years. I broke up with my Bf after 7 continuous years together (5 of which were also with my AP)..i then became a single woman and my AP, Mr unavailable (as he wouldn't leave his wife - not that he had ever suggested that he would)...when i broke up with my AP, i did it by text and he wished me well and has never ever been in touch since. I am now alone...i am somewhat scared that i wont ever be happy again having experienced the intensity of the affair... i know i am a terrible person but i just need some advise from someone who has been in my shoes

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MidnightBlue1980

It was not exactly the same situation but when I was single I was in a relationship with a guy who was married, separated on and off. It was a terrible experience and dragged on 3 years till I finally ended it by moving. So its not the same as I was not in a relationship, but it was a pretty bad experience all the same. I dated right away and about 6 months later met my now husband. 8 years later I would have an affair (the reason I am here). My husband also had two affairs while he was single with married women. He also had an affair the same time as my affair.

 

So your answer is that unless you resolve the issues within yourself that led to you staying in an unhappy relationships - TWO unhappy relationships - which did not meet your needs, there is a decent chance you will do so again. Why? Because people who engage in affairs have weak boundaries, bad coping mechanisms, tend to be weak with resisting things like attention, flattery and seduction and in general have a higher need for excitement and stimulation that other people.

 

So you need to really figure out why you let yourself be basically used by a married man and accept leftovers. You need to work on your self esteem and self worth and develop yourself as an independent woman who has no time or desire for such unsavory things as an affair with someone else's husband.

 

I'm not a fan of sitting around gathering dust and yes you are 33. I dated right away but you really need to think about all these issues so you don't end up back here in 10 years.

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MidnightBlue1980
relationships...was it easy to forget the AP?

 

It's very easy because it was never about the AP. The AP could have been anyone. It was always about you.

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My former situation similar to yours:

 

In a relationship for 10 yrs (broke up at 5yrs then after 1.5yrs back together). Also with someone who was anti-marriage, anti-kids.

 

Had an affair but broke off with boyfriend a few months in.

Affair went on for 3.5yrs after then.

I had no interest in meeting guys and in that time had a child alone.

 

Look I am now with my xMM and we are very happy, BUT only because I ended the affair and then we became a proper couple after he divorced.

 

The key is being accountable for bad decisions on your part - staying in a relationship too long when you were ill matched and having the affair. If you accept this you'll do a lot better than some of the disaster stories you read about on here.

 

Have you learned lessons from your experiences?

 

I can honestly say that whilst I am very happy now I think I would also have been happy if things hadn't worked out. I think I'd reached a point where I'd done a lot of introspection and accepted that I wouldn't get far with self pity.

 

If you wanted to date then I say, why not? Keep it casual and go without expectations and desperation. As I see it - and what I thought was... I hadn't been in proper relationships so no need for the timescales to grieve the relationships ending!

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Also - agree with MidnightBlue especially on "boundaries". I am really tough when it comes to boundaries these days. A liberating experience!

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give yourself time to get over both of them. in dating world there married men who lie on dating sites

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Your best bet is to go to therapy and explore your poor mechanisms for dealing with difficult situations. No judgement from me, I was in a similar situation. But unless you dig deep and figure out how and why you did this, you're bound to repeat it.

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SammySammy

I was an OM, but I'd like to answer.

 

1) I don't think a marriage can be as exciting as an affair. Not long term. Because marriages become routine and the commitment to stay together has to be based on something other than excitement.

 

2) You can start dating immediately.

 

3) But, the result will be the same (yes, you will cheat) unless you learn that happiness and satisfaction come from inside. A man or a marriage can't give you that.

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I am a former OW.

 

YOu were too young to commit to anybody at 16.

 

YOu need to live a life and find out what you would need and like.

 

Do not even think about marriage or a baby. Get out into the big world and experience everything.

 

Remove yourself from any former relationship and start dating again.

 

Poppy.

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