Discreet Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Started seeing a married man when I was married. Separated from my husband as it wasn't working out. Now have become the other woman wanting more. Children on his side are in the picture which complicates it. Have had the discussion on of children hasn't been in the picture would we be together with the reply being yes. He is worried about losing children and new family home. Both care for one another more than a fling. Not sure what our future holds and how long being the other woman will work. Feel like I will be more heartbroken if this ends than when marriage ended. Feel like this person is the one I should have been with pre marriage but paths never crossed. Anyone else been in similar situation? Advice? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 He won't leave his wife for you. Period. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Now have become the other woman wanting more. That is often a very bad situation to be in. Many MM deliberately choose MW to have affairs with, as MW do not want "more", as they have a husband. YOU are now separated, you do not have a husband, and so you are going to apply pressure to make this "real" and your MM will probably not like that one little bit. He is no doubt happy having two women in tow. Read some stories on here, your situation is not an uncommon one. MW= Married woman in an affair MM= Married man in an affair 1 Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Yes, read my post: 7 year affair over. In a nutshell, if he's waffling and hand wringing now, he will never pull the pin. My xMM never wavered, until the 'date' came. Then he turned it on me and how I ruined our R with my selfish demands. And yes, the pain of this A ending is more sharp and severe than the ending of my M. Hands down. But you have the option of walking away now before you get in way too deep like I did. It's going to hurt now or later. You just get to choose the 'when'. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Sadly, your situation is all too common. Read through this site and you will find many women who have put their faith in a married man who promised them the world... only to be hurt when he decides that he is not ready to leave his children and lose the quality of life he shares in his marriage. It is the rare exception when a man leaves his wife for his affair partner. And if they do, many will either return to their wives or decide to play the field when they are finally single... This probably won't end well for you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 This relationship is going nowhere unless you approve of being just a mistress and agree to all the downgrades and degrading behavior that comes with it. He's pretty much told you he doesn't want to lose his kids or his house. That's it. That's all you need to know. You might be important to him but not as important as his kids or House. You have no future with him. Accept it now or waste years of your life wishing for something that's not going to happen. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Have had the discussion on of children hasn't been in the picture would we be together with the reply being yes. What a totally pointless discussion of fantasy! The reality: Kids are involved, and he's made it clear that he's not going to drop them or his new house just because you chose to leave your marriage. Rather than painting what-if scenarios that will never be (no kids, no new house, or whatever else he next claims is preventing him from ditching the wife and hopping onboard your fantasy love train), focus on your circumstances. You have a married cheater, who despite all his sweet words, is unwilling to leave his current life, bought a new house (!), and will only see you when it's convenient to HIS schedule! Given the smorgasbord of better choices out there for a single woman, it makes absolutely no sense to waste years of your life waiting around for an untrustworthy cheater to ditch the wife and kids--something he has no intention of doing anyway. Right now, he has his respectable family life and, on the side, his fantasy to stroke his ego and relieve his boredom and dissatisfaction. Think about it for a second. Why would he ditch the respectability he now enjoys and turn the fantasy side distraction into a wife with everyday concerns about trash, laundry, and bills. What a nightmare! He already has someone in that role. So basically, you're expecting him to give up his fantasy on the side when you suggest becoming his main woman. Not only would he lose the fantasy piece, he also loses his social approval and his current social circle? Sorry, that's not happening. Now if you want to hang around and engage in fantasy of how you are star-crossed lovers plagued by ill-timing and that horrible wife of his he chooses to go home to at the very end of his day, he's totally game for the extra action you give him on the side. Focus on his actions and priorities, not the hot air coming from his mouth. Especially on holidays, it will become crystal clear who he prioritizes and who matters most in his life. Based on what he's already told you, it won't be you. Get out before you are in over your head and have wasted some of your best years on this guy. What you're embarking on is an exercise in futility, tears, and heartbreak. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 He's pretty much told you he doesn't want to lose his kids or his house. That's it. That's all you need to know. You might be important to him but not as important as his kids or house. You should be thanking this man. At least he has been honest with you and told you what is most important to him. He's not leading you on with false promises and dreams of a future together... Now, you can make some decisions about what you want for your future. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 The chances of him leaving is really low. Listen to his words, he's being honest. He doesn't want to lose his children (and life as he knows it) for someone that he isn't sure of. He may love you a lot but it's not enough for him to change everything and be with you. If his marriage ends, let it be because he and his wife are both unhappy and decide to divorce. Sadly for you it doesn't seem he's looking to do that though he's perfectly happy to keep you as the OW in an affair setting. I hope you end it and grieve the loss. Officially divorce your husband, be on your own and when you're really ready a great (single) guy will come into your life. This MM is going to break your heart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Did they buy a house while you two were together? He's not going any place anytime soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 ex mm had kids same age as my girls. he wouldnt leave his wife, he had his cake and ate it to, just becarefull i wish i never went there, the other woman get hurt more than the wife i think Link to post Share on other sites
smalltownwriter Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 Yes, I'm living it. Get out while you can. I was promised he would leave his wife "if..." then the goalposts keep moving. We were supposedly very close. He had a breakdown on the phone with me because he doesn't want to give up time with his kid. Regardless of whether he loves you, at the end of the day if he's a coward it won't matter - he won't leave. I'm still trying to break free from this. Get out with some dignity before it's too late. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 ex mm had kids same age as my girls. he wouldnt leave his wife, he had his cake and ate it to, just becarefull i wish i never went there, the other woman get hurt more than the wife i think No no no. The other woman chooses to be hurt or. It hurt by being in the affair with a married man. The wife? No one gave her a choice. She could not have done anything to avoid her pain, as the OW could have 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 (edited) ex mm had kids same age as my girls. he wouldnt leave his wife, he had his cake and ate it to, just becarefull i wish i never went there, the other woman get hurt more than the wife i think What are you talking about? You chose this for yourself. As the other woman who knowingly entered into an inappropriate relationship with a married man, you are in fact the perpetrator, not the victim. Get over yourself already, please. Edited July 16, 2017 by BaileyB 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ClassyTaste Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 (edited) My ExMM has 2 young sons. Recently I have read an article (another male driven stake on the female gender) that men will stay in marriages for sons at a significantly higher rate than for daughters. (this disgusted me). I will not get into the male gender bashing and their fear of strong woman who learn their game and will not put up with their sh... They not only demean women throughout their lives, but they also do so with their daughters, not sons. Bow to young boys. Abandon their dear daughters. The answer to your question is he will unlikely leave his sons, but according to studies he might if they are daughters. If one is a son and one is a daughter, he will stay for the son. Edited July 16, 2017 by ClassyTaste 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 (edited) My ExMM has 2 young sons. Recently I have read an article (another male driven stake on the female gender) that men will stay in marriages for sons at a significantly higher rate than for daughters. (this disgusted me). I will not get into the male gender bashing and their fear of strong woman who learn their game and will not put up with their sh... They not only demean women throughout their lives, but they also do so with their daughters, not sons. Bow to young boys. Abandon their dear daughters. The answer to your question is he will unlikely leave his sons, but according to studies he might if they are daughters. If one is a son and one is a daughter, he will stay for the son. I'm no angel - I was an MM in an affair now long finished. But I find it very hard to take this study seriously. I stayed for my family, but I put absolutely no more value or love into sons over daughters, or for that matter, my father over my mother..... or my uncles over my aunties, etc. Maybe I'm in the minority, but in terms of my own blood relations, gender makes no difference whatsoever. And I feel that this kind of stuff feeds anti-male attitudes. Sometimes statistics can be twisted to give whatever meaning you want. I sense some bitterness there classytaste and perhaps with some justification if your mm hurt you badly and misled you. But not all men are b**stards, and the very fact that you had an MM yourself shows that you are no angel either. I wish you all the very best. Edited July 16, 2017 by jenkins95 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 I've heard that study about men staying more for their sons. It's gotta cut like a knife when your son sees another man more than he sees you and could end up being more like his step dad than you the bio dad. Regardless of that... You have a MM who has told you the reality of the situation. As you choose to stay, you also choose to be the secret, secondary woman in his life voluntarily. Don't go and call him all kinds of everything when he dumps you and because you went into it with your eyes open. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 Yes it is very interesting subject. It’s a boy thing In an analysis of American census data, they found that men were more inclined to propose to their partners if they discovered that a baby in utero was a boy, and they were less prone to getting a divorce if the first child was a boy rather than a girl. In the event of divorce, men with sons were more likely to get custody, and women with daughters were less likely to remarry. It makes sense. If men in general, identify with and bond better with boys, then they are not going to want to leave them behind, are they? Link to post Share on other sites
Eccles Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 If you read my post you will see that my situation was not dissimilar to yours. It sounds as though your MM has already laid his cards on the table in respect to what he has and he doesn't want to lose it. Why should he, he has the best of both worlds at the moment, doesn't he? I, and probably the majority of people on this board felt exactly the same as you, but the end result is depressingly familiar - he is unlikely to do anything at all to change the current situation. If this comes to a head at home, he will chuck you under the bus until things calm down again, and then he will look to continue the relationship with you when he isn't being watched as closely. My xMM has told his wife before and packed bags, etc but has never quite has the gumption to walk out the door permanently. Its easier and less risky to stay where he is. He is very very unlikely to leave her, you just need to focus on what is the best for you in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
ClassyTaste Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 I've heard that study about men staying more for their sons. It's gotta cut like a knife when your son sees another man more than he sees you and could end up being more like his step dad than you the bio dad. Regardless of that... You have a MM who has told you the reality of the situation. As you choose to stay, you also choose to be the secret, secondary woman in his life voluntarily. Don't go and call him all kinds of everything when he dumps you and because you went into it with your eyes open. I dumped the exMM. I do not want his baggage in my life. I do not care for him enough. I also do not wish to take on sons or try to fix his issues. I have my own children and am working hard to establish a permanent family empire for them to live very comfortably in the future. I do not need a man for this. Affairs are not my fantasy. I do not think of them as exciting or miss my ex. I see them as demeaning and I am happy I have ambitions and many passions that do not leave me struggling with no contact. I do hope for those who feel the pain of having been in an affair, take that pain and use it for good. Use it to become 100 percent more driven toward topping the ex by becoming as successful in life as possible. If the article is true and as Sandy put it, a man cares more that his 'son' may look to a step dad as a role model and cares nothing or puts little thought into dear daughter using sex and men at a young age to replace him. I find it sad men seem to regard women, even their daughter's statically as less then. I was abandoned by a single father as a child, so this resonates with me more than it may others. Bitterness toward exMM? No, he does not hold that power over me. Link to post Share on other sites
ClassyTaste Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 (edited) Yes it is very interesting subject. It’s a boy thing It makes sense. If men in general, identify with and bond better with boys, then they are not going to want to leave them behind, are they? No it does not make any sense to me. They should love each sex equally. I would think (although I am not a man thank god) that they would feel more strongly as protectors of their daughters being men. But, it seems that is not the case. But what do I know. The poster mentioned he was staying for the children and a change of circumstances. I was quoting a study of how men choose to stay for boys, at a significantly higher numbers than for girls. Edited July 16, 2017 by ClassyTaste Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 No it does not make any sense to me. They should love each sex equally. They should, but some apparently don't. They don't identify with or know how to relate to girls, whereas boys can be seen as a man's best buddies. Read the article I linked, it mentions the study you quoted and others.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ClassyTaste Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 They should, but some apparently don't. They don't identify with or know how to relate to girls, whereas boys can be seen as a man's best buddies. Read the article I linked, it mentions the study you quoted and others.. I will read it when I have some time to read it at length. Thank you for the link. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 Remember that "overall, slightly more likely" doesn't mean "all men love their sons a lot more than their daughters". (I know some of you already know that but repeating for those to whom it isn't obvious) As a resident feminist I'm required to chime in and defend men lol 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 Studies like that obviously don't apply to every married man,as many have no issue abandoning their sons. Others won't leave their daughters for fear of a step dad molesting them. I'm not getting a sense from what the OP has posted on that there is actually an issue in his marriage that he would leave for. Seems to be a case of another woman being around and available for some extra fun and excitement. It's not a case of he loves you, or that he loves you more than his wife, so why would he leave? To leave the marriage he'd have to be very unhappy and head over heels in love with you, to the point that his desire to see his children on a daily basis is put aside. OP, what do you think you give him that he doesn't or can't get from his wife? Link to post Share on other sites
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