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D-Day Happened - Affair Over - Completely Shocked & Devastated


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Jimmy James

Short version:

She's married, I'm single. We're both in our 40's. She has three young children & we have been having an affair for appx 1-1/2 years. Neither one of us has been in an affair before.

 

She was an old girlfriend of mine from about 20 years back & after reconnecting we fell very hard for each other & quickly fell into an affair. We both have never experienced such an amazing & intense connection & relationship.

 

She loves her husband as a friend & the father of her children, but they fell out of love with each other several years ago, around the time her youngest was born (about 6 years ago). They live as roommates & haven't been intimate or shared a bed in years, but other than that she says he's a good dude & a good father.

 

She's been seriously talking about leaving her marriage the last few months to be with me, but her only reservations lie in how her children will handle the split. Just in the beginning of June we were making plans to slowly introduce me to her children.

 

3 weeks ago her husband discovered the affair. He told their children everything! Now, besides coldly responding to my occasional texts of concern, she has pretty much disappeared. She told me it's not at all what she wants, but she has to do this for her children.

 

Her husband has said he wants a separation, but wants to try living together. However, she's still lying to him & telling him nothing is going on. She says she's doing this so he doesn't tell their children anything more. I told her she needs to come clean.

 

A few nights ago she contacted me out of the blue & highly emotional; demanding that I end things with her (I did by her request), accusing me of having other women on the side (I do not & never did) & playing mind games with her...then she told me never to contact her again. I sent her one text the next day saying I'm not giving up on her, but she never responded. So, I figured I'd respect her wishes & not contact her anymore.

 

Just like that...bam! I'm out of the picture. I don't get it! Just the day before D-Day she was telling me how much she loves me & planning our future together. Is this a normal reaction to this situation? Does she just need time & space...or is this really over for good? I feel like I was discarded like a piece of trash as soon as things got tough.

 

Longer Version:

After 15 years of not speaking, the 'one that got away' suddenly came back into my life. We actually met 20 years ago & were an on/off couple for the next 2-3 years. Strangely we always bumped into each other, no easy feat in a major metropolitan city, and we'd start right back up. During one of those 'off' times she met someone else & got engaged. I was crushed, but let her go. We stayed in contact for a while after she was married, but I ended it because it was too hard for me because I still loved her.

 

Fast forward appx 15 years later & she contacts me out of the blue, supposedly just to say hi. This turned into daily conversations, hours at a time. Clearly the spark & connection was intense & an emotional affair began. I knew she was married, but I assumed that she was separated because it was always her & just her kids, she was always talking to me & she was free to do what she wanted when she wanted. She never mentioned her husband again after our first chat.

 

Eventually we met up in a group setting, but everyone left & we found ourselves alone with a strong emotional/physical attraction & intense sexual tension. We didn't sleep together that night, but over the next couple months it eventually progressed to that.

 

After about 4 months of since we first began talking I finally confronted her about her marriage. She told me that they were not separated officially, but they lived like roommates, hadn't been intimate in years & hadn't even share the same bed in years. other than that he wasn't a bad guy, she just didn't love him anymore. I asked her if she planned on leaving her marriage & she said no. So, ended the affair because there was no future & we were really falling hard for each other. However, she cried & begged me to just give her some time so she could figure things out. I agreed & we continued on, things getting more intense as time went on. I'm in my mid-40's I had never experienced such an amazing & intense relationship before. Same with her! For both of us, it was what we always dreamed of in a partner & relationship. She recently described it as "like a fairy tale".

 

Several months ago she began saying that she wants to leave her marriage, but her 3 young children are holding her back in making the final decision. She says her husband is a great father & provider, but that's where her love for him ends for her. We began to talk about how we're going to make the transition for everyone & plans about our future. She was a bit back & forth on this, but I understood because she was very worried how her children were going to take it. She's a fantastic SAH mother & very involved in their lives. Like any other mother she doesn't want to break their hearts or potentially jeopardize their overall well being.

 

Beginning of June she began serious talk about pulling the trigger. She was very scared, but we also were making plans to slowly introduce me to her children (I've never met them for obvious reasons) while she figured out how she was going to tell her husband she wants out. He was never around, nor went to any family functions, & he was clearly unhappy too. So, she figured he wouldn't put up too much of a fight.

 

 

One Saturday afternoon, mid-June, I get a barrage of texts from her husband stating that he knows all about us, followed by a lot of profanity & physical threats. She was out of town at a recreational event & a couple hours later she contacted me telling me that he told their children everything without even speaking to her first. Of course she was devastated, as was I. Over the next 3 weeks she stopped contacting me all together. She used to contact me several times every day. Now, she would only coldly respond to my texts of concern. She told me it's not at all what she wants, but she has to do this for her children.

 

Her husband has said he wants a separation, but wants to try living together. However, she's still lying to him & telling him nothing is going on. She says she's doing this so he doesn't tell their children anything more. I told her she needs to come clean.

 

 

A few nights ago she contacted me out of the blue & highly emotional; demanding that I end things with her (I did by her request), accusing me of having other women on the side (I do not & never did) & playing mind games with her...then she told me never to contact her again. I sent her one text the next day saying I'm not giving up on her, but she never responded. So, I figured I'd respect her wishes & not contact her anymore.

 

 

Just like that...bam! I'm out of the picture. I don't get it! Just the day before D-Day she was telling me how much she loves me & planning our future together. Is this a normal reaction to this situation? Does she just need time & space...or is this really over for good? I feel like I was discarded like a piece of trash as soon as things got tough.

Edited by Jimmy James
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Read the stories here, you will find yours is more common than different. Bet is her husband is NOT the only one she has been lying to. It's easy to plan, however when reality meets fantasy, fantasy almost always loses out.

 

Don't look back, because once she feels it calm at home she will reach out, if you allow it the cycle will repeat

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It is normal, at least for me. Scarily similar situations in some ways, but my xmw is 41, I am 34. Full on PA/EA. We also only knew each other for about a year. She has three young kids, didn't dislike her husband that much but she was falling for me, they were just roommates etc. Very wishy washy woman as well. Our A lasted for two months before D-Day. Talk of the future, how much she loved and was obsessed with me, I actually met each of the kids at some point or another. But once she got caught after one of our nights together that was it, even though she acted in the days following that we may be back on. Nope. Eventually she or her husband blocked me at every turn (he had access to all of her accounts and could see everything sent to her phone) and went NC. Her H wasn't as angry with me and was actually polite (up until my 4th or 5th attempt to contact her -- don't do this) but I never responded to anything he said.

 

Anyway. Point being, she promised a lot but when push came to shove she chose her family (the kids primarily, according to her) instead of a legal separation/chance to actually date me as he offered. We have not spoken in almost two months and the last time I tried to speak to her was about 30 days ago. I have a huge thread up on here if you want to read more, some of the things I say are quite pathetic. It is normal, your xmw has made her decision (even without D Day, she could have stayed with you years ago but apparently got engaged to someone else instead), and it is best for you to try and move on. She may try to contact you again, especially with how long you have know each other, but don't wait around for it any longer and especially do not get caught up in an A again. I am still in a bad place with the end of mine, but I am getting better each day. You will too if you actually try and move on. Know that if she truly wanted to be with you, she would do everything in her power to do so and stop this crazy drama. I know you may be thinking she needs "space" but what she really needs to do is follow through and leave her H or stop talking to you and let you find someone who can actually be with you. Otherwise you are just wasting your time and the hurt will continue. She is not being held prisoner, and despite how difficult a divorce can be, again -- if she loved you that much she would do what it takes to be with you completely. I certainly did. And I got burned, big time.

Edited by Kjrrg
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Truth is that a married person, especially one who has been married for a long time, will always chose the marriage as that is the safest option. (There has to be some abuse, or mental illness or some other very serious problem at home to make them even consider leaving for an AP.)

 

They usually do a cost benefit analysis, weigh up all the advantages/disadvantages and they realise their bread is better buttered at home with their spouse, their kids, their pets, their friends and their neighbours, than stepping out into the unknown with someone who has "questionable morals". When the chips are down better to choose the "innocent" spouse than the "devious" AP.

Insanely hypocritical yes, but not uncommon thinking.

 

Of course, some WSs have no intention of ever leaving, the thought never enters their head, the future faking is just fantasy, part of the game not ever meant to be taken seriously by anyone. It can be a shock when they realise it was taken very seriously by the AP.

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If they had no intimacy for six years and lived like roomies it should have not been such a surprise to him.

 

Most normal married couples who haven't agreed on celibacy would realise there was a big problem.

 

So I don't think she was being totally honest with you.

 

Also the shame of her kids knowing she's a cheater is immense. If she leaves, that confirms everything their dad has said and she looks bad in their eyes... Difficult to respect and she's lost a degree of her ability to talk or discipline them about right and wrong without looking like a hypocrite.

 

Even if she loves you... Love isn't enough.

 

You'd need to be extremely wealthy.

Keep her in better than her current lifestyle and you'd need to be accepted by her kids in order for her to be happy.

 

No chance you'll be accepted now really... As dad has exposed it.

 

She won't be happy unless her children are happy.... If she leaves... They'll likely want to live with him... As she was unfaithful.

 

You can provide some things... But not everything for her.

 

Best to not attempt contact... Messing about with another man's wife can lead to serious and dangerous consequences.

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She almost certainly lied about not being intimate with her husband. That's Cheater script 101.

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Jimmy James

Thanks all! I guess deep down I knew it was over the moment I received texts from her husband. I was just hoping she'd either take a stand or use this opportunity to finally end things with him. Clearly that didn't happen. Instead she continued to lie to him & began ignoring me.

 

The funny thing is, I read plenty of stories like this long before D-Day happened, but I guess I naively thought that what we had was different...real...special. I mean, why wouldn't I? We've loved each other for so long!

 

On the bright side she did tell me several times after D-day that she missed me terribly & loves me. However, last Thursday she texted me in an emotional mess demanding that I just end things with her. I'm not exactly sure why, she wasn't making much sense, but I assumed so she didn't have to do it & she could move on. I did end it with her by her request...then she got very angry with me & told me never to contact her again. WTH?

 

Anyway...I'm in so much shock & I'm completely heartbroken. I guess I had that coming, all things considered. I know she'll be back one day, as we have a long 20 year history of not being able to stay away from each other. However I refuse to restart an affair with her (or anyone for that matter). If she's not single, or at the very least taking the steps to end her marriage, I'm not interested.

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bathtub-row

Jimmy, I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sure the emotional shock is severe, not to mention that the two of you have considerable history together. This just compounds the problem and clouds the issues even more. You need to be careful because many affairs that end after D-day resume shortly after. I'm sure this gives you hope but it should really make you fearful because she has zero intentions of leaving her marriage and it's extremely unlikely that she and her husband aren't intimate. Most men simply won't put up with that, and most people who sleep in the same bed together are going to eventually have sex. They share a life that you simply don't understand and aren't a part of.

 

It's not that you're not significant to her. The problem is, marriage is an extremely tangled web and you have gotten yourself sucked into the trap of being caught in the middle. I used to be really naive and wonder what the big deal was about getting involved with a married person if they were willing to risk their own marriage. That wasn't my fault, right? I'll tell you what the big deal is -- your own life and your own heart. This relationship, that seems to be completely right, is nothing more than a dead-end street. It is going to cause you to end up alone with nothing to show for it and no one by your side. And she won't feel your pain one bit because she'll have her husband and family and many years of a long-term relationship. I hope you'll think about that. True love doesn't put you through the wringer like this.

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Jimmy James

UPDATE

 

Well she contacted shortly after I left my last post. Apparently her husband has been stalking my FB & got very angry about a post I posted today, which was a video of somewhere we went together. He says that he can see her in it, but honestly no one can make out the figures far in the background, one of which was her. You can't see her face or anything.

 

If you caught what I wrote in my original post...the husband has been dragging their young children (11, 8 & 6) into this to try & turn them against her...& of course me. Anyway, she went on to tell me that she loves me very much & if he didn't drag the children into this she would be running to me right now. However, she feels that the children despise me because of this & always will...& that if her & her husband split up he will tell them that it's because of me & their mother. Therefore we can never be together & that I should move on & find someone that can give me all of herself & make me completely happy.

 

I'm still heartbroken, but I do commend her on ending things in a loving way. I wish she saw the light at the end of the tunnel, but I cannot help her any longer. She must figure this out herself.

 

Thank you all for your advice, feedback & support. :)

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You can't believe anything she says. She has chosen her marriage and she will give you whatever reason sounds best and still leaves her looking like a good person in your eyes, so she blames her choice on her husband.

 

If believing that her husband the big meanie keeping you two apart makes it easier for you to let go, well then believe that. But be careful of hanging onto hope that she will find a way to somehow magically find a way to be with you because she truly loves you.

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However, last Thursday she texted me in an emotional mess demanding that I just end things with her. I'm not exactly sure why, she wasn't making much sense, but I assumed so she didn't have to do it & she could move on. I did end it with her by her request...then she got very angry with me & told me never to contact her again. WTH?

 

Most likely this was done at her husband's request and he was probably sitting there the whole time watching.

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She's been lying to him and she's been lying to you.

 

Her golden opportunity to leave the M but she has stayed, that tells you everything you need to understand.

 

You would really want a woman like this?

 

She's always been intimate with her husband...stop believing g her lies.

 

All her future faking with you was to keep you coming back for more. She's greedy and sneaky - heck, she still won't be honest. She's using you - but she can't any longer if YOU stop allowing her to use you.

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UPDATE

 

However, she feels that the children despise me because of this & always will...& that if her & her husband split up he will tell them that it's because of me & their mother.

 

Therefore we can never be together & that I should move on & find someone that can give me all of herself & make me completely happy.

 

Thank you all for your advice, feedback & support. :)

 

That was always going to be a key factor, especially in a marriage where the husband isn't a bad person.

 

This is what I said about this upthread

 

you'd need to be accepted by her kids in order for her to be happy.

 

No chance you'll be accepted now really... As dad has exposed it.

 

She won't be happy unless her children are happy....

 

If he was nasty, it would be a different case.

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Miss Clavel

he's using parental alienation. which is immoral if not illegal and any judge worth his salt would put a stop to it.

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Midwestmissy

Miss Clavel, what he did may be wrong, but it was a reaction to the trauma of finding out. She broke the contract first, He's trying not to drown and is grasping at anything. He's much less angry than he is hurt. The issue here is that she did this to the kids, to the family. He's reacting to it out of pain. She did the wrong thing first and brought this mess into her home. Things are probably making sense suddenly tonthe bh and he's realizing how many times she lied to him and the kids.

 

I'm always amazed that no one cheating considers the kids during the affair and then after dday gets on a high horse about how they're affected by the truth. The damage was done to the family by the lies. The truth is when they can begin to heal.

 

His reaction was far from ideal, but she hurt them by cheating. She left the family and the marriage emotionally but doesn't want any loss. She wants all her choices to come to her consequence-free. It's not possible.

 

I also believe she's staying exactly where she wants, in the marriage. She had an out but doesn't want it. Yet she's also a coward and won't make an honest clean break with the op. It's that conflict avoidant bull that got her in this mess. So she refuses to shut the door completely on the affair by making her bh look like a meanie. Seriously?

 

Sexy is standing up for your family and your commitments. What she's doing is ugly, considering that her bh is probably getting another story altogether.

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he's using parental alienation. which is immoral if not illegal and any judge worth his salt would put a stop to it.

 

No, no judge in this world is going to say anything about anything that can't be classified as child abuse. This hardly qualifies for that.

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Midwestmissy

I agree reboot. During the affair, I was put through emotional abuse for months. That's my wh and his ic description of how he treated me. As a result of the abuse and his absence, I had to be a sub par parent (vomiting, crying, distracted, confused) AND do double time because of his absence. The children were affected, and when they found out about the affair (they saw gross emails, then wh confessed to them after dday) they were livid. They'd been angry with me during the affair because I was a train wreck and they only had one parent present. Of course wh was the hero during the lies because he was working sooo hard. And this was only a 4-6 month affair.

 

The truth hurt, but the abuse and alienation started way before I knew what was going on.

 

You do see on these forums sometimes how incredulous some ow/om are at the volatile reaction to the affair. But that begs the question: if you thought the reaction was going to be rainbows and laughter, why go to such lengths to lie and hide? If no one was going to be upset, why so much deception to cover ones backside?

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What he did

 

he's using parental alienation. which is immoral if not illegal and any judge worth his salt would put a stop to it.....

 

He is telling his children the truth... That their mother is having an affair.

 

That's not something a judge would have an issue with, depending on how it's done. There is no law against telling your children the truth and... He could have left the youngest two out of it... But some quarters will say if a child understands what cheating is... Then their old enough to be told about it.

 

The man is desperate to keep his family together.

 

Just think OP.... You are devastated it's over... Spare a thought for how he feels... Knowing his wife has been intimate with another man for months now.

 

If he didn't find out... This would have gone on for ages... There's really no evidence she was doing anything to leave him.

 

When you bring children into the world, it's a huge commitment... I presume he doesn't want to be a single part time dad and as parents... Being a role model for your children is important... Otherwise they end suffering the consequences in later life.

Edited by sandylee1
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bathtub-row
Miss Clavel, what he did may be wrong, but it was a reaction to the trauma of finding out. She broke the contract first, He's trying not to drown and is grasping at anything. He's much less angry than he is hurt. The issue here is that she did this to the kids, to the family. He's reacting to it out of pain. She did the wrong thing first and brought this mess into her home. Things are probably making sense suddenly tonthe bh and he's realizing how many times she lied to him and the kids.

 

I'm always amazed that no one cheating considers the kids during the affair and then after dday gets on a high horse about how they're affected by the truth. The damage was done to the family by the lies. The truth is when they can begin to heal.

 

His reaction was far from ideal, but she hurt them by cheating. She left the family and the marriage emotionally but doesn't want any loss. She wants all her choices to come to her consequence-free. It's not possible.

 

I also believe she's staying exactly where she wants, in the marriage. She had an out but doesn't want it. Yet she's also a coward and won't make an honest clean break with the op. It's that conflict avoidant bull that got her in this mess. So she refuses to shut the door completely on the affair by making her bh look like a meanie. Seriously?

 

Sexy is standing up for your family and your commitments. What she's doing is ugly, considering that her bh is probably getting another story altogether.

 

Hate to say it but I think you're dead wrong. There is no excuse for what he did. She kept the kids out of it. Her husband didn't. He's just using emotional blackmail on her and, assuming it's true that he did this, it just shows you what he's made of and why she feels alienated from him. He should've been an adult about it and should've thought about what his actions would do to the kids.

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Having an affair when you have children, IS bringing them into really.

 

Because the very nature of your actions is jeopardising the safety and security of their home.

 

Funny how the poor betrayed spouse gets blamed every which way.

 

 

Assuming he said "Your mum is cheating on me and might leave for another man"

 

If he's seen emails or texts to back it up.... Which judge would chastise him for this?

 

It's not what I would do.... I'd only tell my children if we were definitely splitting up..... But this is the devastating impact of infidelity.

 

A wayward spouse, must be prepared for the consequences.

 

Unfortunately, those poor children are probably in a terrible state caused primarily by their mother.

 

Considering this marriage has allegedly been sexless for years, she should have left to be with her true love and there wouldn't be this situation.

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Midwestmissy

He should've been an adult about it and should've thought about what his actions would do to the kids.

 

The children's mother should have done the same. She didn't consider them and now she's crying foul.

 

Not sure how old they are, but chances are they suspected as well. Cheaters think it all happens in a bubble but they're rarely as discreet or savvy or sophisticated as they imagine themselves to be.

Edited by Midwestmissy
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Guys and girls...

 

Listen, unless you have been through it yourself, and you did nothing wrong, it is not really right to say what the husband should or should not have done.

 

When people find out that their spouse is having and affair, THEY LOSE THEIR MIND!!!

 

I did and lots of other guys did. If you all have felt that level of pain, first hand, and unless you are some type of supper person, and super in control of all your emotions, it is not really valid for you to comment.

 

I lost my mind and was more angry then I had ever been in my entire life. One step past where I was at, and I would have killed my wife. I would have spent the rest of my life in jail.

 

So lets get off of the husband for how he handled it.

 

To OP, just like most of the OW's on this site. She used you, she was never going to be with you, you were her toy.

 

No matter what she said...

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"Not sure how old they are, but chances are they suspected as well. Cheaters think it all happens in a bubble but they're rarely as discreet or savvy or sophisticated as they imagine themselves to be."

 

OP stated they're 11,8,6.

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Guys and girls...

 

Listen, unless you have been through it yourself, and you did nothing wrong, it is not really right to say what the husband should or should not have done.

 

When people find out that their spouse is having and affair, THEY LOSE THEIR MIND!!!

 

I did and lots of other guys did. If you all have felt that level of pain, first hand, and unless you are some type of supper person, and super in control of all your emotions, it is not really valid for you to comment.

 

I lost my mind and was more angry then I had ever been in my entire life. One step past where I was at, and I would have killed my wife. I would have spent the rest of my life in jail.

 

 

 

So lets get off of the husband for how he handled it.

 

To OP, just like most of the OW's on this site. She used you, she was never going to be with you, you were her toy.

 

No matter what she said...

 

I really like your post Blues. Of course people lose their mind. Their whole world is turned inside out in a second.

 

I say let's be a bit more humane to the husband. He might have been a bit more circumspect, but he wasn't .

 

I haven't always been perfect and neither has anyone.

 

Poppy.

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Having an affair when you have children, IS bringing them into really.

 

Because the very nature of your actions is jeopardising the safety and security of their home.

 

Funny how the poor betrayed spouse gets blamed every which way.

 

 

Assuming he said "Your mum is cheating on me and might leave for another man"

 

If he's seen emails or texts to back it up.... Which judge would chastise him for this?

 

It's not what I would do.... I'd only tell my children if we were definitely splitting up..... But this is the devastating impact of infidelity.

 

A wayward spouse, must be prepared for the consequences.

 

Unfortunately, those poor children are probably in a terrible state caused primarily by their mother.

 

Considering this marriage has allegedly been sexless for years, she should have left to be with her true love and there wouldn't be this situation.

 

Lots of judges would chastise what this BS did. You don't drag kids that young into adult situations. Not ever.

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