5 years in, and stuck

[Eccles]

Hello everyone

I have been a long time lurker on this board now for a few years, but until now had problems registering an account so couldn't post.

 

I am reaching out because I don't know what to do, or more that I DO know what to do but I don't have the strength of character to do it. A brief synopsis below:-

 

I have been in an affair with a MM for almost 5 years. He was a coworker and for various reasons I was deeply unhappy in my marriage. I would class my affair as an exit affair (wrong but it happened). He always told me that he would leave his "unhappy" marriage - the plan was that we would both leave. I came clean to my ex-husband and we divorced. He is happy now, with a family of his own. I have no regrets there. MM told his wife but he didn't see it through and stayed with her. He has left over the years, but always went back. Just causing needless pain really. Over the years we have had no contact, he had a breakdown a couple of years ago and took 3 months off work. His wife, MM and myself have been treated for depression and had counselling. In an effort to move on I changed where I worked and moved house. Not any any point, has he made any lasting changes.

 

I have had boyfriends in an attempt to move forward and have started to see someone new. I am still in contact with MM, because I am stupid. I am stupid because in spite of everything, I still love him and I can't block him and keep him blocked. He's been my best friend for 5 years and when I try to shut him out i go all panicky. i have been in therapy for this and therapist tells me NOT to block him, not to beat myself up with this black and white thinking. But I don't know how to move on. He keeps me on a hook. I know he is miserable but he is weak and he will always be weak. There has been so many D-Days over the years. His wife has phoned me up on numerous occasions - there are no secrets. His family knows, his older children know, his wife knows, everyone at work knows. But he doesn't need to change anything because he is having his cake. I KNOW this, I know I deserve better than this but I just feel so desperate about it.

 

On this board I know you all understand and many have BTDT. I am 5 years in yet and I don't understand why I am so weak. He is doing his standard "I will leave" rubbish, but it is just that, its nonsense. Just words not actions.

I don't know whats wrong with me. Any advice gratefully received.

[freengreen]

I see no scope here.. u know exactly where you are going wrong, you MM is weak and cannot be changed. Everyone around knows it and they are sitting there with that information.

 

The only hope is the persuit of peace and selfworth.

[DKT3]

You were unhappy in your marriage, you say your ex husband is now happy, and you are still Unhappy. So I guessing you viewed your marriage as the cause of your unhappiness? But if you're still Unhappy now, why do you think that is?

[Eccles]

My ex husband is happy because he had the strength to move on. I always wonder if its so difficult for the OW to let go because rightly or wrongly they have invested so much time in a pointless relationship? I wasn't happy in my marriage because I couldn't have children and it was all he wanted.

[sandylee1]

You've gone from an unhappy marriage, to an unhappy affair. Why?

 

It's led to mental health problems for the three of you in the love triangle.

 

The answer lies within you and being brutally honest you are just as weak as him, if not weaker.

 

I suggest counselling to explore why you continue to be a part of this pointless affair, which seems to bring a heap of misery.

 

You only get one life. How many more years do you want to be in this situation?

[Eccles]

Sandylee1 - Clearly my relationship with MM hasn't all been unhappy. A lot has been very happy, in spite of the circumstances. I have had therapy to address these issues. I know where the fault lies also. But it isn't easy.

I'm interested in your rather sweeping statement that I am somehow weaker though... with respect you know very little about me. But I guess you are entitled to your opinion.

[zanwalk]

I am sorry to hear of your dilemmas. One question that I have, you say that you have started to see someone new, does he know about your on/off affair? And if he does surely he can't be happy with that?

 

In order to forget your past affair you have to fully invest in the new relationship otherwise it has little chance of success. I realise that it might be early days yet with the new man, and neither of you may be sure whether it is going to last or not, but he needs to know what he is getting with you.

 

Keep persevering with NC, and do keep posting here and we will support you through this.

[DKT3]

Sandylee1 - Clearly my relationship with MM hasn't all been unhappy. A lot has been very happy, in spite of the circumstances. I have had therapy to address these issues. I know where the fault lies also. But it isn't easy.

I'm interested in your rather sweeping statement that I am somehow weaker though... with respect you know very little about me. But I guess you are entitled to your opinion.

 

It's not really a sweeping statement since your op reeks of self proclaimed weakness.

 

You are in control of you, this guy doesn't have any magical powers over you. In fact, you are living the life you want, if you weren't you would have changed it.

 

As far as happy times in the affair, where? To recap it's been five years of lies broken promises hurting innocent people, leaving coming leaving, mental and emotional breaks. Where is the happiness in that?

 

First what I'm hearing isn't love, it's a very toxic obsession/addiction. Drug addicts don't get clean by walking around with a pocket full of drugs.

 

Secondly, please stop pulling other men into this mess until you get yourself on the right path. You aren't even starting them on a level playing field. Those relationships are doomed to fail as they start.

[Eccles]

Yes. The new man does know about my past, but it is very early days. So as for pulling him in - not sure I am. I have been apart from MM for a while now - it's just not easy.

[Eccles]

And yes. Call it an obsession/addiction if you will. But I also know I love him. I shouldn't but I do. Whatever you call it, however you view it - it has been a relationship that has actually met some of my needs. However, I now want a bit of support to let go.

[DKT3]

There is no blue pill. All there is, is for you to do it. Stop communicating with him, you're not"apart" until you do that

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry, to struggle with fertility problems is so hard. My heart goes out to you.

 

I have no advice to say that I think you will find the strength you need to leave only when there is something else in your life to lead you in a positive, new direction or when it's simply to painful to stay. I hope you find joy again in your future.

[Eccles]

DKT3 - you are so right. Thank you.

[DKT3]

And yes. Call it an obsession/addiction if you will. But I also know I love him. I shouldn't but I do. Whatever you call it, however you view it - it has been a relationship that has actually met some of my needs. However, I now want a bit of support to let go.

 

I recently started watching Son's of anarchy for the first time, in a early scene the guy breaks into his exes home holds a gun to her head knocked her out, and attempts to rape her then tells her I love you....well

 

Point being, just because you think it's love don't mean it's not a toxic mess.

[Eccles]

Thank you BaileyB. The fertility issues have been a massive defining point in my life. I felt such a failure with my ex - not his fault at all. But I still did. Had lots of treatments and a few horrific late miscarriages. It does leave you damaged. You shut down after a while. Trust me, I have kept picking myself up and have made huge life changes - that have all been a mountain to climb in themselves. I am SO much better than a year ago, 6 months ago even. Just need support with those that know through the final hurdle.

I agree totally in respect to letting something into my life, it's so hard not to be closed to new people though!

Thank you for your considered post.

[Eccles]

Yes DKT3 - I do take your point. It may be love - but it's still unhealthy, and yes, toxic. Definitely.

[BaileyB]

Thank you BaileyB. The fertility issues have been a massive defining point in my life. I felt such a failure with my ex - not his fault at all. But I still did. Had lots of treatments and a few horrific late miscarriages. It does leave you damaged. You shut down after a while. Trust me, I have kept picking myself up and have made huge life changes - that have all been a mountain to climb in themselves. I am SO much better than a year ago, 6 months ago even. Just need support with those that know through the final hurdle.

I agree totally in respect to letting something into my life, it's so hard not to be closed to new people though!

Thank you for your considered post.

 

It's trauma, and it's hard to recover from life experiences this painful. Especially when you have to love your life watching other couples get pregnant and raise their kids - knowing that you have tried everything to be a mother. I understand that pain.

 

There are men out there who will be available for a healthy relationship that will bring you joy. Do your healing now, and know that something wonderful is coming for you. (And, it's not a married man;)). Best wishes.

Edited July 10, 2017 by BaileyB

[OWAmy]

I don't think you're as weak as your made out in your original post! Moving home and moving jobs are big things that you have implemented.

 

This MM needs to be totally removed from your life though and what's needed is for you to change your mindset that blocking him is bad. It isn't - it will do you the world of good and it's what's keeping you stuck. It's a really good thing - for you (and for him and his wife).

 

It's all been said already between you and him. There's nothing new to say. Buy a new SIM card, create a new email address and relegate him to the past.

[DKT3]

I don't think you're as weak as your made out in your original post! Moving home and moving jobs are big things that you have implemented.

 

This MM needs to be totally removed from your life though and what's needed is for you to change your mindset that blocking him is bad. It isn't - it will do you the world of good and it's what's keeping you stuck. It's a really good thing - for you (and for him and his wife).

 

It's all been said already between you and him. There's nothing new to say. Buy a new SIM card, create a new email address and relegate him to the past.

 

I agree with you, I don't believe she is weak at all, I just don't believe she is 100% ready and willing to let it and him go.

 

The failure you feel from the Marriage may have made you even more determined to make this toxic situation successful. At the same time, maybe a part of you knows the baby thing won't create another opportunity for rejection.

[jah526]

He's been my best friend for 5 years and when I try to shut him out i go all panicky. (

 

This is what kept me stuck. He was constantly telling me I was his best friend. It finally dawned on me what other people had been telling me for a long time - this man was not my friend. He was causing me untold amounts of pain and I realized at the end I really couldn't trust him (caught him in a lie). How can you be friends with someone you can't even trust?

 

Really question this belief that he is your friend. Look at it from all angles and ask yourself if a true friend would treat you as he has. Here is one indicator:

 

He keeps me on a hook.

 

I told him finally that he was not my friend, and at the moment I believed the absolute truth of that statement. It also allowed me to let go.

Edited July 10, 2017 by jah526

[Zulufoot]

I had the same situation. You've got an addiction (tolerance, withdrawal, craving) to the guy, when he's not in your life you are distraught because you are having craving symptoms and then you always need to go back to him to get your fix. Like an addiction to drugs or alcohol if you want to have a happy life you need to end it and move on, otherwise I can guarantee you this will continue forever, do you want to be 10 years down the track with the same problem? If he wanted to be in your life he would have left his wife the same time that you left your husband, I'm sorry I know that this hurts, but it's true. You make the choices in your life, so you can move on, it will be extremely hard, but you need to have no contact with him (like a drug) and then you will have the chance to meet someone else. He will always be someone you love and care about, but the chances of a happy future with this guy are really slim. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but life is short, so give your love to someone who can return it and make you happy.

[travelbug1996]

Time and distance will heal this burden you carry. You can't see it now but give yourself the time and distance and you will gain a new perspective about this situation.

 

What's the longest amount of time you've been NC??

[Eccles]

Thank you everyone. You are all so supportive. I'm not very good at the quoting thing on this, and also I am in the UK so I appreciate there is a bit of a time delay, but my responses below:-

 

BaileyB:

It's trauma, and it's hard to recover from life experiences this painful. Especially when you have to love your life watching other couples get pregnant and raise their kids - knowing that you have tried everything to be a mother. I understand that pain.

 

There are men out there who will be available for a healthy relationship that will bring you joy. Do your healing now, and know that something wonderful is coming for you. (And, it's not a married man). Best wishes.

Yes, absolutely - it has taken a lot of time to come to terms with it, you speak like someone who understands the pain. Thank you.

 

DKT3:

I agree with you, I don't believe she is weak at all, I just don't believe she is 100% ready and willing to let it and him go.

 

The failure you feel from the Marriage may have made you even more determined to make this toxic situation successful. At the same time, maybe a part of you knows the baby thing won't create another opportunity for rejection.

I appreciate I am weak when it comes to him, and definitely a failed marriage might make me less inclined to give up on this - this is a point my therapist also raised. Not sure I follow re. the baby thing comment. I may just be being a bit slow!

jah526 - the point you make about mistaking MM for my best friend. I am totally on board with that. I know he isn't really on my side, I tell myself this all the time.

 

travelbug1996:

What's the longest amount of time you've been NC??

The longest time we have been totally NC was 3 months. It was when he had a breakdown. His wife took his phones off him the entire time. As soon as he felt better he started calling me.

 

 

I know I can't go on like this. I know he is where he wants to be, whatever the reason is is totally irrelevant. I appreciate it is a like an addiction - the push-pull is one of the hardest things to deal with. I know I can't handle this life and don't want it either, i get so angry about it. It just bubbles up, until I block him. Problem I have is that i just unblock him again when I have calmed down.

 

I think I have reached the point several times where I have thought "enough" and in all honesty I am doing far far better than I was a year ago, I may not sound it but mentally I am much stronger. I just need the final impetus to see it through.

[DKT3]

The baby comment...well, humans tend to not set themselves up for failure. So by being involved with the MM and choosing him over available men there is little to no risk of the baby situation being a point of you feeling unworthy or rejected.

[grassisorisntgreener]

You will get to a point where his words with no action to follow will become so frustrating and painful, you will start to not care. I promise you.

 

Did he say why he "can't" leave? I know it's not easy to leave a marriage. I've been through it all. It sucks.

 

His wife knew about you and took him back? Is that correct?

 

He's weak. He doesn't have the strength or courage to leave. Or there is an obligation for him to stay. And you know what, that's okay!! You will move on. It takes time.