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Struggling to find the truth


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 29th October 2017, 11:37 PM   #91
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I think my therapist is advocating my affair.
My youngest brother is a physician, he once asked me what do you call the worst student in medical school? Doctor...

Not all therapist are good, in fact a great deal are flat out horrible.

With that being said, it's the therapist job to help you, not necessarily your marriage and/or your APs marriage. Sadly, I've heard of therapist that encouraged affairs and hiding it from spouses.
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Old 29th October 2017, 11:42 PM   #92
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Some people aren’t meant to be therapists. I’ve heard my ex tell me that her therapist told her to “just do what makes you happy”. Andddd that attitude landed everybody in buttload of unnecessary pain.

I’d find somebody else tbh but that’s your call.
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Old 29th October 2017, 11:44 PM   #93
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I think my therapist is advocating my affair.
Why do you think this? What has your therapist said to make you believe that he/she is advocating your affair?
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Old 30th October 2017, 8:11 AM   #94
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Hey scout, just caught up on your other thread. How are things?

Why do you think your therapist is advocating for your affair? From reading your posts, you don't seem to be completely happy with the affair and AP. What goals have you been working on in therapy? Has it been helpful? Glad that you're posting again.
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Old 30th October 2017, 8:42 AM   #95
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It's possible you're misinterpreting, because you secretly want to believe that there are signals encouraging you in doing the things you are tempted to do.

It's possible that your therapist is misinterpreting the situation and therefore giving you confused advice. He or she only knows what you tell them. If you've skewed the truth or left important details out to make yourself look better, your therapist may be making suggestions based on false information.

It's possible that your therapist's goals and belief sets are not what you expected. If you went to them for help and said that your problem was that you are unhappy and don't know what you want, then they may be trying to find ways to help you explore your own desires and happiness, rather than trying to make you socially conform. The therapist may think his/her responsibility is solely to you and not to your husband, your AP, your AP's family, or anyone else. If you want help exiting the affair you might need to explicitly ask for it.
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Old 30th October 2017, 9:08 AM   #96
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I was seeing a therapist who was like that "do what makes you happy" when obviously the situation with xMM was making me anything but.

I found a new therapist.
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Old 30th October 2017, 10:05 PM   #97
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Hey scout, just caught up on your other thread. How are things?

Why do you think your therapist is advocating for your affair? From reading your posts, you don't seem to be completely happy with the affair and AP. What goals have you been working on in therapy? Has it been helpful? Glad that you're posting again.
Hi bigblue and everyone! Yes, it has been awhile. I've been seeing this therapist for two years. Almost as long as I've known MM. She's helped me through some tough times, so I can't say she's incompetent. MM and I sometimes go through periods of not talking (back in July he said he needed to focus on work and home life so he would not be able to "put a tremendous amount into our relationship."). I thought thAt was the end, but my therapist kept saying he'd pop up again, and he did. But when I would tell her she'd be almost gleeful about it. Hard to explain! She said something like it's not over between you two and this could go on for a while. I said I did not want to cease contact, but to limit it and stop thinking about him so much,but I'm not sure she can help with that. Honestly, I think seeing her is a trigger for me but I'm afraid to stop seeing her because she's the only one I can talk to.

So yes, I've been in contact with MM on and off. We did have coffee back in September when he came to town. And it was just coffee. I felt good about the meeting,even though it was just an hour. I got a few things off my chest. But there is still so much more I want to say.
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Old 31st October 2017, 1:54 AM   #98
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Hi bigblue and everyone! Yes, it has been awhile. I've been seeing this therapist for two years. Almost as long as I've known MM. She's helped me through some tough times, so I can't say she's incompetent. MM and I sometimes go through periods of not talking (back in July he said he needed to focus on work and home life so he would not be able to "put a tremendous amount into our relationship."). I thought thAt was the end, but my therapist kept saying he'd pop up again, and he did. But when I would tell her she'd be almost gleeful about it. Hard to explain! She said something like it's not over between you two and this could go on for a while. I said I did not want to cease contact, but to limit it and stop thinking about him so much,but I'm not sure she can help with that. Honestly, I think seeing her is a trigger for me but I'm afraid to stop seeing her because she's the only one I can talk to.

So yes, I've been in contact with MM on and off. We did have coffee back in September when he came to town. And it was just coffee. I felt good about the meeting,even though it was just an hour. I got a few things off my chest. But there is still so much more I want to say.
For the love of God, dump her! She is NOT the only therapist in the world. There are a zillion others you could find if you wanted to.

If you don't want to stop contact, then no amount of counselling will help you.

Poppy.
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Old 31st October 2017, 9:54 AM   #99
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If you don't want to stop contact, then no amount of counselling will help you.

Poppy.

I think you are exactly right, Poppy. I have to want to do it. I am going to have to try harder to move on. Reading some posts about "faking it until you make it" - that might be what I have to do. I know he's bad for me. Even if we said we'd be friends. It's sad to think of never speaking to him again, but I suppose it is what I have to do. All this time I struggled with whether he was/is a good person or not or just using me. I think I need to walk away.
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Old 31st October 2017, 9:56 AM   #100
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It's possible you're misinterpreting, because you secretly want to believe that there are signals encouraging you in doing the things you are tempted to do.

It's possible that your therapist is misinterpreting the situation and therefore giving you confused advice. He or she only knows what you tell them. If you've skewed the truth or left important details out to make yourself look better, your therapist may be making suggestions based on false information.

It's possible that your therapist's goals and belief sets are not what you expected. If you went to them for help and said that your problem was that you are unhappy and don't know what you want, then they may be trying to find ways to help you explore your own desires and happiness, rather than trying to make you socially conform. The therapist may think his/her responsibility is solely to you and not to your husband, your AP, your AP's family, or anyone else. If you want help exiting the affair you might need to explicitly ask for it.
You raise some good points, especially about thinking her responsibility is just to me. I feel like she's rooting for the MM over my husband.
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Old 31st October 2017, 12:14 PM   #101
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I could also be interpreted as her not watching you sound judgemental.

Saying he'll pop up again doesn't mean she supports the affair.

Therapists aren't there to police your morals and values.
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Old 31st October 2017, 1:08 PM   #102
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Every therapist is different, and just because they are a therapist, that doesn't make them good at their job.

One thing I found helpful when seeing a counselor was to be very upfront about what it is you want. You are an important part of the process ( the most important part) and you have every right to ask questions, make comments and let your therapist know if you feel they are going down the wrong road.

This is just my opinion, but a good therapist is there to guide you in your exploration of yourself and whatever your issues may be. they are not there to tell you what to do our push their own values/agenda on to you. if you feel that is what is happening and you don't like it, try and speak up.
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Old 2nd November 2017, 3:25 PM   #103
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Thanks for the update, scout.

Would you say you're getting anything out of therapy? I kind of think that if you've been seeing her for a couple of years, it's easy for that relationship to become stale unless you're continually actively setting goals and working towards them. Maybe you should address that with her next time if you don't feel like there is any progress being made. And if you feel like she's a trigger for you, consider finding a new therapist. It's not a bad idea to get a new perspective from someone.

Regarding your MM, are you happy with how things are going? How has it been impacting your other relationships and your inner life?
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Old 2nd November 2017, 9:33 PM   #104
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Thanks for the update, scout.

Would you say you're getting anything out of therapy? I kind of think that if you've been seeing her for a couple of years, it's easy for that relationship to become stale unless you're continually actively setting goals and working towards them. Maybe you should address that with her next time if you don't feel like there is any progress being made. And if you feel like she's a trigger for you, consider finding a new therapist. It's not a bad idea to get a new perspective from someone.

Regarding your MM, are you happy with how things are going? How has it been impacting your other relationships and your inner life?
Hi Big Sky Blue and everyone who cares!

I think I have outgrown my therapist. I have been seeing her for two years. I guess I was afraid of letting go of her in case something happened with MM. I think like many people here, it comes in waves, sometimes I really miss him, like last week. This is embarrassing, but I was out at an event last week. It was an event with people from the same industry (it's kind of a small industry within a larger one). Anyway, a few glasses of wine and I texted him. Now this is the cringeworthy part, and I haven't even told my therapist, I told him I loved him. I don't know why I did that and I just cringe thinking about it. I don't like the way I act when he's involved, I feel like a stupid teenager instead of an almost 50 year old woman.

I decided that he is no good for me, and I have to try the NC thing again. I am going to try very hard not to text him. I won't block him, because I know how bad that feels. Kind of rambling here, but I think I may finally be ready to move on. (famous last words....
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